The Oldie1 min read
Map Of British Drunks
This is the story of drink maps. It’s not about pub crawls or plotted ale trails. Instead, these are maps with an agenda that was hostile to drinking alcohol, made by the Temperance Movement. The logic at the time of the maps’ creation went: if peopl
The Oldie2 min read
Valerie Eliot
April 1979 was wet. The week leading up to Easter was especially dismal. I had been in Berry Brothers, the wine shop, for just over a year, building up a group of regular customers: people living in London with a love of wine, who would drop on a wee
The Oldie2 min read
El Sereno
1 Not still angry? (7,3) 6 Reversible raincoats must be a con (4) 10 Extra source of security for customs (5) 11 Stroke insect (9) 12 Seeming reliable, and at home with golf (8) 13 Figures income covers what plant may produce (5) 15 Down-to-earth bei
The Oldie4 min read
I'm The Neighbour From Hell – In Lisbon And Wales
Mary holds that there’s no point in my trying to find greener grass by relocating to a corrugated former Wesleyan chapel perched on a Shropshire hill. Forget the tragedy that Shropshire has become fashionable. No, Mary believes I am a ‘dyed-in-the-wo
The Oldie1 min read
Not Many Dead
Grandmother lifted into air as jacket caught on shutters Daily Telegraph ‘True gentleman’ TV presenter Andi Peters spotted in Conwy North Wales Chronicle Café to reopen today amid bollard works The Press (York) £15 for published contributions SIGN UP
The Oldie3 min read
Gardening
Some gardeners, against Dame Nature’s better judgement, prefer a clean swathe of tilled earth between their plants. ‘There’s tidy,’ they say around here. The Dame was occupying the ground long before we humans set foot on it; better, then, to do it h
The Oldie2 min read
Green Economy In The Red
Do you believe in net zero? Woe betide you if you don’t, because it has taken on the mantle of a national religion to rank alongside the NHS. The government has passed a law to say we must hit it by 2035. Labour has responded with an even more evange
The Oldie5 min read
The Longest Day
Dawn was breaking in the English Channel when a young infantryman named Lionel Roebuck struggled onto the deck of his landing craft. It was Tuesday 6th June 1944, and he and his comrades had been pitched and tossed through the waves for the past 12 h
The Oldie5 min read
Readers' Letters
SIR: The Old Un asked readers to send suggestions as to about why terrorist Rose Dugdale rebelled (March blog). I can perhaps own up to what changed her. It could have been the night in 1963 when I was ordered to sleep with her. I met her at a party
The Oldie4 min read
How Your Garden Grows
Every Living Thing: The Great and Deadly Race to Know All Life By Jason Roberts riverrun £25 The year is 1707. Separated by some 700 miles (as the Corvus comix flies), two naturalists are born, destined for world fame. Social climbing (sorry, mobilit
The Oldie5 min read
D-Day On The Home Front
Darlings [Laura’s six siblings], My life seems to go on very much the same. I broke my record by having a tummy upset the day before D-Day. D-Day sent my temperature up. [They] plugged M&B [antibiotic] down me, which made me feel like a damp piece of
The Oldie3 min read
Watch Out, Alcoholics And Mrs T
Sometimes – for example, when I try to find out the prevalence of Dupuytren’s contracture – I wonder whether Pontius Pilate wasn’t on to something when he asked what truth was. A search into Dupuytren’s contracture – a thickening of tissues in the pa
The Oldie3 min read
Haunted By Michael Winner's Ghost
Long mislaid in my chaotic west-London house – which exists, as we will see, in a microclimate of its own – is a gift from the late Michael Winner. He and I were enemies for years, and then friends. It was once a fact of journalistic life that persis
The Oldie3 min read
I'm Dying To Cure The Cost-of-living Crisis
I’m too much of a Catholic convent girl to be persuaded by the arguments favouring euthanasia – now called ‘assisted dying’. But if I were to be tempted by the campaign advanced so successfully by Esther Rantzen, the point that might lure me is money
The Oldie4 min read
My Vote? None Of The Above
I thought about voting in the local elections, but in the end I decided against it. I belonged to that very large number of people – millions – who never wanted the embarrassment and expense of a London mayor in the first place. We are comparable to
The Oldie5 min read
The Old Un's Notes
Joan Morecambe, who died on 26th March, on her 97th birthday, was a perfect exponent of that crucial yet underrated role, the showbiz wife. From the 1950s, when Morecambe and Wise were just jobbing comics, to the 1980s, when they’d become Britain’s b
The Oldie3 min read
Motoring
Renault’s adopted Romanian orphan, Dacia (pronounced datcha), are rightly renowned for their range of cheap, reliable, no-frills vehicles. They do exactly what they say on the tin. Now, courtesy of Dacia, within months we’ll be able to buy something
The Oldie4 min read
I'm Half Joe Biden And Half Michael Flatley
I know I have come a bit late to the party – I have only just begun to discover the joys of mindfulness. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what the word meant until my physiotherapist, Finola, 34, explained it to me. Mindfulness means living in the p
The Oldie5 min read
'You're Nicked!'
Mary Whitehouse regarded The Sweeney as gratuitously violent and disrespectful to the forces of law and order. Meanwhile, the Observer thought Detective Inspector Regan ‘knocks Barlow, Dixon, PC Plod and even baldy Kojak into a cocked helmet’. The Pr
The Oldie3 min read
Tessa Castro
IN COMPETITION No 305 you were invited to write a poem called Dawn Chorus. I liked Charles Owen’s description of the cock or rooster as ‘Hot hacksaw-headed, braggart-breasted,/ Liveried in flame’. Wally Smith was right to call ‘A jay’s call like a bl
The Oldie2 min read
Dad's Saviour - A Naked Lady In A Pub
I was born in Edinburgh in 1955, joining an older brother and sister, my mum and my dad in a typical upstairs-downstairs tenement block. Dad, a bobby on the beat (and a mason), discovered there was a need for police in New Zealand, with promise of yo
The Oldie3 min read
Virginia Ironside
Q I’ve been happily married for years, with a son of 14. The problem is that I remember my wife became friendly with another man about the time my son was conceived and I’m becoming convinced it’s his child. Can I ask my wife for a DNA test? It might
The Oldie3 min read
The Magna Carta yew
Five minutes from the madness of Junction 13 of the M25, where Britain, frankly, appeared irredeemably ruined – dirty, noisy, frantic, ugly – there was a small place that changed everything. Along a suburban road, cherry plum blossom exploding from f
The Oldie2 min read
Rant
We were invited to a kitchen supper the other night. It’s an outdated phrase – where else do you entertain these days? The occupants of every single household near us in London have smashed down walls to create an open-plan eat-in kitchen with a vast
The Oldie2 min read
Farming Today? A Complete Nightmare
Did you know that queen bees can suddenly start laying eggs that make drones instead of worker bees? So instead of a colony of industrious females busily making honey to feed the hive, you have nothing but useless drones. All the bees starve to death
The Oldie4 min read
My Odessa family
When we conjure up visions of the great Black Sea port of Odessa today, we aren’t likely to see the elegant French-style boulevards, the grand, honey-coloured buildings and the proud Russian Orthodox churches. We see dead bodies, twisted metal, piles
The Oldie4 min read
RIP The Posh Fatty
When I was in my twenties, Jennifer Paterson regularly used to invite me to her flat in a mansion block in Victoria. My God, she was a good cook, and I struggled to resist her magnificent dishes, even though at the time I had an eating disorder. Sitt
The Oldie2 min read
Commonplace Corner
Showbusiness is like sex. When it’s wonderful, it’s wonderful. But when it isn’t very good, it’s still all right. Max Wall Women, even more than the working class, is the great unknown quantity of the race. Keir Hardie Will she kiss him under the nos
The Oldie2 min read
Drink
My Scottish friend Paul, with whom I regularly watch rugby and partake of more single-malt Scotch than perhaps is wise, doesn't exactly defy the perfidious Sassenachs’ stereotyping of his countryfolk. He has a keen eye for a bargain. He recently aler
The Oldie4 min read
Tragic King of the Guinea Pigs
Here are some delights for you! Charles Lamb (not the great essayist) was a somewhat sad and lonely child, born in 1816. His particular passion was a fascination with chivalry and tournaments. And he built an exquisite castle for hundreds of pet guin
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