The Oldie

To use this TPCASTT method I’m unableJargon, jargon everywhere, nor any tiger burningA poem etherised upon a table A pleasure-dome, a demi-paradise of fableSlithy toves and dappled things resist discerningTo use this TPCASTT method I’m unable This na

Aftershave is taken in raid Royal Sutton Coldfield Chronicle Week Camper van abandoned on wrong side of M6 Birmingham Mail New toilets better than a rickshaw Congleton Chronicle £15 for published contributions NEXT ISSUE The July issue is on sale on

Anne Robinson (p19) has left Countdown ‘to make way for an older woman’. She was on The Weakest Link. She hopes to become a dutiful Cotswolds housewife even though, for obvious reasons, she isn’t married. Nigel Havers (p25) was in Chariots of Fire, A

What is your first recollection of the Queen? Mine dates back to Coronation Day, 2nd June 1953. I am five and sitting on my father’s shoulders, in the rain in the middle of the crowd in the Mall, holding onto to his forehead with one hand while tryin

Knowing the author to be a shining beacon of male inadequacy with so little about which to brag, that mythical beast ‘the regular reader’ will indulge this one tiny boast. Not once in my 58 and a half years on this wretched planet have I received a c

It was a peculiar sort of start to the century’s greatest political scandal, 50 years ago. Initially dismissed as a ‘third-rate caper’, the June 1972 break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington DC’s Watergate building mus

Goblin mode describes a deliberate embrace of slovenliness and squalor. When in ‘goblin mode’, a person spends as long as they possibly can indoors – ideally in bed in egg-stained loungewear. They will defer errands, decline invitations, spurn exerci

In the Cotswolds, nearly four decades ago, my then husband would stand in the bedroom half-dressed on a Saturday evening wailing, ‘Do you think it’s a blazer do or a cardie do?’ We were arrivistes but not entirely stupid. We knew that in the Coln Val

Oldies of a certain vintage may remember when the sight of an unadorned male head was remarkable. Men’s hats were everywhere, as any old film or newsreel will amply demonstrate. Throughout the 19th century and well into the 20th, a gentleman leaving

Many people yearn for a Press that is fairer and more balanced. They deprecate partisanship, and sometimes admiringly point to supposedly more even-handed American newspapers. Yet it is the outrageous partiality of British publications, especially th

I recently ‘did the rounds’ at Deal Castle. That, the nice English Heritage people told us, was where the phrase originated. The castle, built in 1540 to a design personally approved by Henry VIII – which may explain why its plan looks like a Tudor r

A friend of mine was mugged recently in Central Park. He and a friend visiting from France were wandering along the bridle path in one of the park’s more genteel stretches, near John Lennon’s old building, the Dakota. Two men stepped out of the shado

The plaque on the door of my hotel room said ‘Superior Room’. Once inside, I searched for evidence for this rather grandiose claim. None was apparent, though there was a chocolate on the pillow. And the toilet paper had been folded into a neat point

The mood in my trenches is particularly grumpy at the moment. I pride myself on not complaining about new initiatives, but the latest brilliant wheeze has properly riled me. With levels of literacy falling, in part because of school closures, schools

Deal in Kent has been nominated as ‘one of the best places to live’ in the United Kingdom for the third consecutive year, according to a survey in the Times. The town has transitioned from being a rather rough resort back in the 1950s – natives remem

What does your ideal pub look like? Many of you will remember George Orwell’s imaginary tavern. He called it The Moon Under Water in a 1946 article in the Evening Standard. It had good beer, no piano, simple food, an open fire, barmaids who called yo

● The English words skin, nice, science, insect and segment all derive from the Proto-Indo European root sek, ‘to cut’. ● The skin of a Panamanian golden frog contains enough toxin to kill 1,200 mice. ● The skin is the largest organ in the human body

Twenty years ago, I had a short, pithy and productive altercation with the late Sister Wendy Beckett (1930-2018), the art commentator, while I was cleaning her bathroom. She lived in a caravan in a wood near our monastery. I mentioned casually that I

Fifty years ago, on 30th May 1972, I was on duty at BBC Radio London when we learnt about a devastating accident in south London. Battersea’s Big Dipper, packed with 31 riders, began its ascent of the initial incline. Seconds later, it hurtled back d

LANCASTER (PG) Well, that’s the 2023 Oscar for Best Original Score sorted out. The opening credits of this exemplary documentary show a Lancaster bomber, flying over a lake and dam. The background tune isn’t The Dam Busters March, as you might imagin

Let’s talk about talking Why are the British, when they congregate, at ease only if they talk about the weather? A possible answer is that their education system values above all else reading, writing and arithmetic. I’ve always found that odd. It’s

Complicated game shows Whatever happened to straightforward TV quizzes, such as Double Your Money? A weekly highlight. Hughie Green would gush, ‘I mean that most sincerely, folks, ’ and gently tease the contestants. Now we’re bombarded with endless,

Sceptre £20 Melvyn Bragg is our greatest living Cumbrian – even bigger than haulage king Eddie Stobart. Like Wordsworth, Melvyn is Cumbrian born and bred, and has never really left Lakeland or stopped loving it. He is now a national treasure, loved b

It is disturbing enough to listen to Start the Week and hear Russell Foster on circadian sleep patterns – followed by the story of the Sackler family’s evil drug OxyContin (Book of the Week). But have you tried Radio 4’s Lusus, where you’re immersed

CHEAPO MICHELIN MAN I always become anxious when I’m asked by someone I don’t know to recommend a restaurant. There are just too many variables, not least cuisine, décor and noise – and budget is the top trump. People invariably start off full of bra

SILLY DRINKING GAMES We’re about to embark on the best time of year for watching live sport. Or so conventional wisdom has it. Wimbledon, the Open, Henley, the British Grand Prix, Ascot, the Derby and half a dozen test matches will follow one another

GEORGIAN WINE ON MY MIND I first tried Georgian wines during a bizarre press trip to the breakaway Georgian republic of Adjara, in March 2004. Most of our party were election observers – the renegade president of Adjara, Aslan Abashidze, was desperat

When you picture a great watershed between two rivers, a mountain ridge probably comes to mind – not a reedbound marsh barely 20 yards above sea level. But Redgrave and Lopham Fen is a miraculous, albeit low-key place. This hidden fen is the source o

In most walks of life, one plus one equals two. Sometimes at the bridge table, one plus one can equal one. Dealer South Neither Vulnerable The bidding (1) Splinter bid looking for a heart slam, showing club shortage. In truth, a tad optimistic facing

Q My wife and I have been invited to an indoor dinner party with around 15 guests. We are concerned about catching COVID, but would go if we knew everyone had had a negative lateral-flow test first. Our hosts have made no such request with the invita

IN COMPETITION No 280 you were invited to write a poem called Cutting. My cue was a 19th-century Norwegian painting I’d seen of a woman cutting bread. You widened it to cutting hair and grass, being cut down to size and cutting people dead in the str

Editor Harry Mount Sub-editor Penny Phillips Art editor Jonathan Anstee Supplements editor Liz Anderson Editorial assistant Donna Freed Publisher James Pembroke Patron saints Jeremy Lewis, Barry Cryer At large Richard Beatty Our Old Master David Kowi