In today's episode we discuss the concept of mentalising: our ability to understand what goes on in our own and another person's state of mind. Mentalising is something that we learn when growing up. The better our primary caretakers are at tuning in and paying attention to our physical and emotional needs as a child, the better we are as adults to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as those of others. Mentalising means that we can step outside of our self and look in: what am I feeling/thinking/doing and why? And why is my partner responding in this way? What's going on for them?Mentalising is a skill we learned as well as an attitude. Those who are good at mentalising are good at emphasising and in this process they also learn something about themselves. Good mentalisers are interested and curious in other people and what makes them tick.Couples in distress usually struggle with their mentalising capacities. They are often not in tune with their own states of mind and they struggle to engage with their partner's inner landscape. Stress is the enemy of mentalisation. Our brain goes offline and we are simply acting in survival mode losing connection to others.