What Happened to the Herd: A Kitchen Guide to the Presidency

By Mark P. Yeager

Have you ever wondered if America could witness a Presidential candidate who truly understands the challenges of everyday life? Can someone break free from the shackles of politics as usual to make a real difference? In "What Happened to the Herd," Mark Yeager presents a captivating, fictitious account of events that just might bring about an unprecedented political transformation.

Meet Jane McQueen, a resilient single mom who excels at juggling the many facets of her family's life. Managing the daily grind is her expertise, and she takes it all in stride. However, her life takes an unexpected turn when she receives a discarded computer with Artificial Intelligence capabilities as a Federal bequest. With her characteristic ease and efficiency, Jane swiftly trains her newfound assistant to navigate the complexities of family life.

But that's just the beginning of her extraordinary journey. When her child's social studies class nominates her as a Presidential candidate, Jane's world is turned upside down. She combines her acquired political skills with the remarkable capabilities of her AI assistant to launch an unplanned and unprecedented campaign for President. In the process, Candidate McQueen shatters the conventional wisdom that drives professional, poll-driven politicians. She demonstrates that the practical know-how and core values guiding the lives of ordinary Americans are more compelling and productive than the actions of her polished opponents.

Integrity in leadership is a binding necessity, and no one understands this better than citizens like Jane, who have earned their successes by adhering to proven principles. With nothing more than the financial backing of a bake sale and a voter base not yet old enough to vote, Candidate McQueen embarks on a remarkable journey, riding a wave of popular support deep into the heart of Presidential politics.

In "What Happened to the Herd," animated dialog and insightful asides are artfully woven together to satirize the increasingly unpopular workings of our national political system. Mark Yeager's book is a thought-provoking exploration of how everyday values have the power to restore hope to the ballot and infuse integrity back into public office. This compelling narrative challenges the status quo, leaving readers inspired to envision a brighter and more authentic future for American politics. Dive into this engrossing tale and embark on a journey to rediscover hope and integrity in the heart of American democracy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 19, 2024
• ISBN: 9780964640320

Mark P. Yeager

Mark Yeager, an accomplished author with a knack for both mainstream and specialized publications, burst onto the literary scene with his debut book, 'Breakfast is Only the Beginning.' In this humorous masterpiece, he shares the comical yet enlightening adventures of managing a house full of preschool-aged children who unwittingly teach their parents the essence of effective leadership. Drawing from his rich personal experiences as a dedicated parent of three and a professional background as a physician researcher, Mark Yeager's latest work, 'What Happened to the Herd,' skillfully marries the raw emotions of an ordinary voter with the insightful perspective of a specialist. This gripping narrative offers a brisk and engaging story that vividly captures the frustrations experienced by everyday Americans at the ballot box, while also offering a glimpse into a future solution. Mark Yeager is a voice that resonates with readers, delivering stories that are as relatable as they are transformative.

Book preview

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What Happened to the Herd

© 2023 Mark P. Yeager

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Cover art courtesy of Patricia Hanlon.

ISBN 978-0-96464-031-3

eBook ISBN 978-0-96464-032-0

Contents

Introduction

Prologue

I The People’s Work

II A Better Magnet

III Preposition Substitution

IV True Pie

V The Pebble’s Shadow

VI Epilogue

-for Annie-

Our soldiers leave their post at night

to rise on heated winds,

and there deny a cloud’s still sounds,

then turn their scornful souls to ground

where heedlessly they tread upon

a pebble’s shadow cast at dawn.

INTRODUCTION

Neurologists and gadget wizards agree: The human brain is the most advanced computer ever produced. It has instant access, high-speed processing, multisensory inputs, endless memory, portability, wireless connectivity, and hands-free operation. It also sleeps a third of its useful life, auto-medicates to impair processing, resists upgrades, and lacks an option to restore factory presets—hence the appeal of a manufactured computer. The first computers were well-mannered microchips that politely displaced a few inefficient old-timers like hand-entered ledgers, fountain pen letters, carbon copies, and rotary phones. Their progeny are less mannerly; they carelessly exploit search engines, software algorithms, and social babble to deliver an excess of information that creates an abundance of opportunities for social mischief. Most people don’t even know it’s happening, or don’t want to know.

You know who does know? Politicians. Apex politicians instinctively use excess information to forge facts into emotions. It’s the essence and the end game of their calculating minds: Contort an innocent fact and any possible consequence to make themselves look good, make an opponent look bad, or better yet both. They call that a win. They think it’s their job. Here’s something to think about: Since having facts and computing consequences are what present-day artificial intelligence computers do, that means the master skill of a modern politician is available to anyone.

So why doesn’t someone with a benevolent brain and a generative mind befriend a modern computer endowed with universal data access and analysis capacities so together they could do what politicians won’t do—make our lives better by making better choices? In other words, their job. It is the contention of this book that the foundation to compel that kind of political sea change exists in abundance where all of us either live or have lived—in a family. Families have the answer to a world of political mischief. Families are where a human brain first encounters the world’s information and learns how to use that information to make the choices humans need to thrive. With modern computers, all the world’s facts and their implications are available to anyone, including someone who believes in the importance of human truths over political calculations. Something else to think about.

Prologue

Some people want to rule the herd. Most don’t. Those who do claim it’s complicated. Those who don’t know it’s not. It’s simple, like gravity. Isaac Newton became famous for making gravity complicated. He wrote a law that said it’s better to have an apple fall on your head than an anvil. Everyone already knew that. Here’s something else everyone knows: Whenever you do one thing in life, something else always happens. Newton had a law for that too. It said For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Everyone else just calls it consequences or life. Live right and reign, or mess up and be ruined. Physics for dummies. Humans in herds have spent their evolutionary existence learning to live with all the simple facts of life, so by now they have a system to teach them how things work and how to make them work right. That system exists in the hotbed of human growth and development known as a family. It’s where people who don’t want to rule learn how it’s done. I’ll show you.

I

The

People’s

Work

One

Hi, Mom.

How was school?

Okay, we watched a movie.

You do that at home.

It wasn’t any good.

Must be time to raise the school tax.

What?

Never mind. How was practice?

One kid had a bloody nose and got to leave early.

Some kids have all the luck.

Him and me were partners so I had to sit out.

"He and I were partners."

Not anymore, I got a new partner.

You need to do your homework.

I can’t. I’m hungry.

Then do your homework.

You want me to eat my homework?

I want you to do your homework so you won’t go hungry.

I don’t get it.

You will.

The family system is simple: parents work, their kids go to school, and along the way, the parents give the kids a few tips on successful existence. It’s a proven plan—thoughtful, effective, and simple.

I’m still hungry.

Think of it as part of your homework.

Starving?

No, learning what’s important.

That’s not my homework.

Then what is?

I gotta watch something on TV.

You can’t be serious.

It’s about some famous science guy.

Which one?

The dead one.

That’s a long list.

My teacher said he was really smart.

You mean Einstein?

Yeah, him. He’s dead, right?

He’s dead; his ideas are still alive.

‘Cause he was really smart, right?

Because he did more homework than anyone else.

He must have watched a lot of TV.

He didn’t have a TV.

Really?

Humans in herds always complicate things. Politicians do it for a living. Scientists do it for pride. Albert Einstein did it when he said that time could be slowed and saved if a body moved fast enough. For most people that sounded suspiciously like working harder, only Einstein called it a theory of relativity, and that made it complicated and made him famous. Then it helped make the atom bomb, which maybe made scientists proud but made most people worry the world was about to end. When enough people worried about a limited lifespan, appliance manufacturers decided to sell a dumbed-down version of relativity theory that told people they could buy more time with a time-saving appliance. It was a marketing stroke of genius. Washing machines, dryers, and vacuums were sold by the millions as helpful hardware for hardworking persons hoping to buy a little extra time. Instead, their new appliances added complexity to the lives of people who no longer had time to think while writing a longhand letter or hanging wash on a clothesline. For every time vacancy created by a timesaving device, there were suddenly dozens of time-eating activities hustling to fill the void. Chaos on schedule—a new twist on the old system.

Don’t you have any other homework?

Yeah, but it’s kind of hard.

That’s kind of the point.

Can I watch TV till my science homework comes on?

No. You have play practice tomorrow. You can practice your lines if you’ve got nothing else to do.

Do I have to?

You said you would.

That’s ‘cause you said I should.

I said you could and you said you would so you should.

What time is it?

You can tell time.

What time is my practice?

There’s a schedule on the refrigerator.

Where’s my homework?

I put it on the refrigerator.

When’s dinner?

When I make it.

What is it?

Check the refrigerator.

The time-consuming challenge of a time-saving appliance was managed first by the Refrigerator Mom. Refrigerator Moms were omnipotent entities who placed any minor fact or fragment of their lives under a magnet on a refrigerator door so they could stay focused on their priorities for living a good life. It was an effective and easy intervention—and maybe a symbolic act of revenge since refrigerators were an original time-saving appliance. Refrigerator Moms prospered for as long as one parent worked for a salary that supported a full-sized refrigerator while a second parent managed the family’s non-remunerative necessities. With a Refrigerator Mom at home, domestic participants could always check with Mom or the refrigerator for effective guidance and orientation, respectively. If it wasn’t in one of those two places, it either wasn’t important or it realistically didn’t exist, respectively.

Can you make dinner now?

Is that one of your lines?

No.

"Then it’s, please can I make dinner."

How come people have to say, ‘please’?

They don’t.

How come they do?

They get tired of fighting.

People still fight.

Soldiers fight.

They don’t say ‘please’.

No, they salute. Would you like to salute for your dinner?

I would never salute you.

You would if you were starving.

"I am starving."

You‘re hungry, not starving.

How do you know?

If you were starving, you’d say ‘please’.

That’s too much to remember.

You have no idea.

When all their lists and schedules effectively papered over a double-wide refrigerator, Refrigerator Moms adapted by adopting a new device misnomered as a smartphone—another stroke of marketing genius that failed to live up to its name. Instead of enjoying some hoped-for time off, smartphone Moms start their days wondering, What did I already forget? Then they check in with their smartphone looking for help to forget what they forgot the day before so they can concentrate on what they can’t forget in the day ahead. While their fingers work their phones, their brains process the new day’s new thoughts, and they back up the old day’s old thoughts to a smartphone or a spouse, neither of which is demonstrably time-saving or smart. If smartphones quickened paces and pulses in family life, priorities remained unchanged for moms who instinctively know that complicating everything doesn’t change what’s important.

Do I have to?

’Have to’ what?

Say ‘please’.

If you’re hungry, yes; if you’re starving, no.

What’s the difference?

I’ll explain later when I have the time.

How come you get to be in charge all the time?

Because I’m the grown-up, I buy the food, and I love you. Do you want to be in charge?

Not really.

Good choice.

One person controls their destiny. Two people can either get along or they can put someone in charge. Families do both. They get along for as long as they can, and then they put someone in charge. Usually they put a parent in charge because parents have the motivation to succeed at their job as parents so their kids can succeed at growing up—motivation squared.

Two

When will I grow up?

When you learn to be more like me.

C’mon, Mom, I’m serious.

So am I.

What’s it like?

Worry more, sleep less.

Do you have to stay awake to worry?

I don’t, but I do.

Worry is a parent’s first job and the first thing they learn. A top-down system