It's Not A Secret

By Max Turner

Transgender Londoner Adam keeps running into an infuriatingly rude Danish migrant Elias at different points during his transition. Elias is very confused by Adam, the easy friendship they develop and how attractive he starts to find the curious self-made man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Independent Publishing
• Release date: Feb 29, 2024
• ISBN: 9781739402853

Max Turner

MAX TURNER writes urban fantasy books and is also a science and physical education teacher. His first novel, Night Runner, was a Red Maple Award Honour Book and a finalist for the Sunburst Award. Its sequel, End of Days, was shortlisted for the Ottawa Book Award. He lives in Ottawa with his wife and three children.

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Revised Edition 2024

First published in print and e-book 2017

Copyright © 2017 by Max Turner

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in, or introduced to a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims damages.

The following is a work of fiction; names, characters, businesses, places and incidents are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons living or dead, events, places and locations is purely coincidental.

Max Turner asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

This Edition

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-7394028-4-6

eBook ISBN: 978-1-7394028-5-3

Cover Design by Max Turner

It’s Not a Secret

Max Turner

Author’s Note

Roughly set in the early 2010s: before streaming and when access to trans healthcare in the UK did not involve the waiting lists that it now does.

As this story includes a trans masculine main character, I have laid out below content warnings regarding both anatomy and story content that trans readers may wish to consult to ensure they are comfortable with this story.

Anatomical References: Mentions of top surgery, mentions of metoidioplasty, surgery recovery, binding, packing, gender dysphoria. Fingering (vaginal and anal), penetration (vaginal and anal), butt plugs, blow jobs, and pegging.

Terms used to describe trans masculine genitalia:

Content Notes: Misunderstandings and confusion, ignorant behaviour, misgendering, transphobic behaviour/language, dead-naming, angst, violence, Priapism, enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn romance, and a happy ending. Although not stated, it is heavily suggested that the character of Elias may be in some way neurodivergent.

Year One: August

Elias Sørensen licked his lips as he watched the young woman across the bar. He had been watching her for a while— her slender but firm shape in her black pantsuit, her dark curls not quite shoulder length. He was mesmerised, not least by the way she threw her head back when she laughed. 

The deep green scarf she wore loosely around her neck made it difficult to get an exact view of her from where he sat. But he imagined she was quite beautiful. After all, he was only attracted to beautiful women. Unfortunately, without going out of his way, he could only really see her back and, partially, her side. But it was an enjoyable view, nonetheless.

Elias pushed a hand through his mop of greying hair then straightened his thin beige sweater as he ran through scenarios in his head of dating such a woman. Maybe that specific woman, if she could be wrested from the man who was currently accompanying her. He shifted in his chair slightly as he imagined it.She would fawn over him, of course. And adore his sense of humour. Because, whilst he might currently be sitting alone in his observations this quiet Sunday afternoon in a Soho bar, that wouldn’t always be the case. No matter what his brother said, he would definitely meet the right woman someday.

Sipping his beer, Elias watched silently as an hour ticked by. The man with her clearly did not deserve such an attentive and beautiful companion. She seemed to be laughing less and less as time went on. And then, quite suddenly, the conversation became explosive. 

The man stood up abruptly, finger in the woman’s face as he growled words under his breath that Elias wasn’t quite close enough to hear. The menace in them was unmistakable, though. 

Elias would never treat a beautiful woman like that and was appalled to find no one was intervening on her behalf. He looked around and saw a barman on his way over to the commotion, but other patrons who were closer did nothing. They kept their heads down, ignoring the situation.

Were he closer, Elias would, of course, have stepped in. He was gallant like that—a real gentleman.

Even so, he could practically hear Mikkel huff his disdain in his ear as though his brother were in the bar with him. 

Mikkel was constantly accusing him of not doing all the things he said he would do, that he made things up and exaggerated. As if Mikkel knew anything! Elias huffed inwardly. 

He couldn’t help it if his brother had never been present to bear witness to his chivalry in action or observe his prowess with beautiful women. Especially since he was back in Copenhagen and truly had no idea of Elias’s life in London. The thought of their rather annoying argument on the phone the night before, precisely about this, drove Elias to his feet and across the room before he processed what he was doing. 

He slowed his approach once he regained awareness, realising that, indeed, the man was swearing and looked angry. The woman was shouting back at him now, clearly upset, whilst the barman tried to calm them both.

The next he knew, Elias stood beside the beautiful woman, facing the angry man. 

I, uh… he started, faltering for a moment before Mikkel’s accusations spurred him on. You should not talk that way to a lady! He admonished loudly.

The man and woman both stopped shouting. The man glared at him, initial indignation chased off his face by astonishment, and then he laughed. A cruel and angry laugh that annoyed Elias. He didn’t like being laughed at and had done nothing to deserve it. 

Piss off! The man finally said as his laughter subsided. 

Don’t… the woman started to intervene; her voice was melodic, and Elias was glad to have been able to hear it. 

Don’t talk to me, freak! The man was shouting at the woman again. 

She replied, "I’m the freak? You’re the one asking me to be in your private fucking video collection on a second date!" 

Her words were full of rage, and she was using very unladylike language that might have put Elias off if he hadn’t seen that the situation made it completely understandable.

The barman was suddenly alongside them, giving up on politely trying to calm things. It took a moment for Elias to realise he was asking all three of them to leave.

He blinked.

I’m not leaving. I have done nothing! He looked back to his lone table with his latest pint sitting almost untouched, a silly waste. 

Just keep out of this. The man snarled as he went to grab the woman’s arm and pull her off her barstool. The young woman squealed in his tight grasp, and Elias saw red.

This was his chance to be the man Mikkel always said he wasn’t. He swung a punch. 

And then it was a mess. 

Fists were flying, and he wasn’t sure which belonged to whom. The disturbance spilt into a group of middle-aged men beside the bar, who also became embroiled.

The barman was shouting that he was going to call the police as Elias was pushed into one of the empty bar stools and stumbled, landing hard on his knees. 

He was getting back to his feet amongst the commotion when he felt his arm being tugged. Then suddenly, he was outside, being pulled along the London street just fresh from the rain. He was pulled around a corner just as he heard the sirens of a police car. 

The hand pulling him let go, and they stopped, both panting as he looked up into a glorious smile that made his heart sing in his chest. 

The beautiful woman had rescued him right back. This, Mikkel probably would believe, and Elias would have to make clear his courageous actions in protecting her modesty. 

Hey. Thanks. The woman told him, grateful. Sorry for manhandling you. I know you were trying to help. I didn’t want you to get into trouble with the fuzz, for my sake.

Elias focused and took in the unobstructed view of the beautiful woman.

Only… it wasn’t a woman. Maybe. 

She was wearing almost all black but for the green scarf that obscured her chest—where his eyes had been drawn for confirmation.

Elias was sure she was a woman. She had to be a woman. That wasn’t something easily mistaken, surely? But there was something not wholly feminine about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He then noticed that her smile had vanished; her face had fallen as Elias scrutinised her. 

Well. Thanks again. She said flatly and turned to walk away, deflated. It made Elias sad to know he had caused upset, and he grabbed her hand. Mikkel had told him before about looking at women in such a way, and he cursed himself and then his brother for being right. He definitely shouldn’t have been trying to look at her breasts.

Are you ok? Were you hurt? He asked because it felt better than apologising for ogling her, and he was sure he probably should check.

She spun and pulled her hand away, looking at first shocked and angry that he had touched her – for which Elias scolded himself again. Then she seemed to soften and replied.

No, not hurt. Well, just my feelings. As usual. Just when you think the world is a better place… Her words were full of biting humour, and she trailed off into a little smile. I’m Adam, what’s— 

I should walk you home, miss. Elias interrupted her, nodding and suddenly unsure what to do in such a situation. He decided on chivalry as he talked over her. It might not be safe for ladies at night.

The woman’s face fell in a way he had never seen before. Disappointment, sadness, and anger all directed at him. 

Which seemed pretty rude. Surely, she would know that some men were not as honourable as he was and that he was being kind in offering her his protection. 

I’m fine. Her voice was cold as she backed away from him and turned. 

This time, when she walked away, Elias didn’t stop her. 

Year Two: April

Adam Thomas was waiting to be served at the bar when someone shuffled against him as they moved into the gap beside him.

Oh fuck.

Adam looked over and saw that the person next to him was the drab-looking moustached foreigner who had stepped in on that awful blind date he’d had last year in another local pub. One of the dates, anyway, before he finally gave up on dating altogether. And now this guy was here to rake up a shitty memory. 

Adam didn’t want to deal with misgendering tonight; his day had been bad enough already.

He’d thought being a journalist had been difficult as a woman, but that felt like a cakewalk some days since he’d come out and started to transition. At least he was passing more now, the months of testosterone finally paying off. 

The only downside so far was that it really did make him super horny but