The Asshole Squirrel Rides Again

By Seth Chambers

This is the sequel to Legend of the Asshole Squirrel. In this tale, the obnoxious tree rat undergoes a perilous journey while being pursued by a relentless enemy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Seth Chambers
• Release date: Mar 6, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224105472

Seth Chambers

Seth Chambers is writer of fantasy, science fiction, and horror. His work has appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, Daily Science Fiction, and the 2015 Year's Best Science Fiction and Fantasy Novellas. He is now making a foray into screenplay writing, with the aim of seeing his visions blazed across the silver screen. Seth served in the army as an infantry medic, labored on a multitude of farms, and worked as a bike messenger in Chicago for twelve years. He currently lives in Florida with PJ Chambers (his wonderful wife), Grey Kitty (his perfect cat), and Babé (his adorable pit bull). Seth can be contacted at [e-mail].

Book preview

1. Squirrels Throw the Best Parties

Once upon a time there lived a certain little squirrel who underwent a series of tragic events, all because he was a little asshole to his neighbor, who happened to be an alligator. It's your basic squirrel-pisses-off-alligator/alligator-hunts-down-squirrel story, of which you can learn from Legend of the Asshole Squirrel.

The squirrel had also come close to starring in a major action movie, but his dreams were thwarted by none other than his former neighbor, the alligator. The alligator went on to become a major action star and marry an up-and-coming starlet named Linda Lancaster, while the squirrel went into rehab.

But that was okay, because he was fed up with Hollywood phoniness, anyway. Besides, he was able to channel his emotional trauma into stage acting, back in his hometown of St. Augustine, Florida.

The squirrel was very happy working as a stage actor. Very, very happy and totally, totally fulfilled. Because who wouldn't want to perform on a tiny stage, in a non-air-conditioned firetrap of a community theater, before an audience made up largely of homeless people looking for a place to sleep? Why, it was a dream come true! In fact, the little tree rat often cried himself to sleep chittering, a dream come true!

And so, to celebrate his thespian achievement, he threw a big party for all his little squirrel friends. Then he got very, very drunk at the party, because he was so happy and so fulfilled.

The asshole squirrel was a legend among his fellow squirrels. He had actually mingled with Hollywood greats. He had been followed around by the Paparazzi, and had even kick-boxed a reporter. The asshole squirrel had appeared on the cover of People magazine, was a guest on The Ellen Show, and was even named Asshole Celebrity of the Year.

Tell us about Hollywood! his friends all begged.

Ah, good old Tinsel Town, mused the asshole squirrel, taking a sip of his gin.

Why did you come back here? asked one of his friends, who worked as a stagehand at the theatre.

I returned to the land of my birth, proclaimed the asshole squirrel, "for the sake of my art. Oh, I could've made it in the movie biz. Easily. I had the Great White Director himself eating from the palm of my hand. But I chose not to sell out."

A collective gasp arose from his adoring friends.

"You see, one day the Great White Director says to me, he says, I want you to jump over the island of Maui on a wave runner. And I looked him right in his beady little eye and told him to stuff it! Such stunts were beneath my dignity as an artiste. Then I stormed off the set. Screw Hollywood! And screw The Great White Director!"

His friends cheered again, and the stagehand asked, Then why do you keep a poster of The Great White Director on your wall?

Why, to throw darts at, of course!

All his friends laughed, and it was at this moment that he  spotted Seniorita Margarita, a sweet young lady squirrel from the theater, gazing at him with wide, adoring eyes. She was an understudy at the theater, though by day she worked as a Mac Genius at an Apple Store in Jacksonville. She was quite technologically proficient, especially for a rodent. In fact, while gazing with wide, adoring eyes at the little asshole, she was also using an iPad to video his impassioned speech. His heart began to pound.

Then he glanced over at the poster of The Great White Director and mumbled to himself, "I wouldn't make a movie for you if you begged me!"

With that, he whipped a dart at the poster with all his might.

2. The Great White Director's New Clothes

Ow! cried The Great White Director, when the tailor poked him in the backside with a pin.

Sorry, sorry, squealed the tailor, who just happened to be a spider monkey with a serious energy-drink habit.

The shark was being fitted for new clothes in a posh Rodeo Drive boutique. The spider monkey was zipping around with pins, needles, and a pair of scissors, getting the fit of the shark's new clothes just right.

The spider monkey was ecstatic at the opportunity of outfitting The Great White Director. While the spider monkey worked, the shark mused upon his rise to success.

It hadn't been easy. He made a lot of movies that flopped at the box office, but that didn't discourage the giant fish one bit. Even though he was a shark, and therefore possessed a brain that was only the size of a Vienna sausage, he made up for his lack of intellect with sheer tenacity, along with great quantities of Bacardi. Eventually, his determination paid off, and he began producing hit movies and even became known far and wide as The Great White Director. Eventually his career peaked with his blockbuster masterpiece, Death Leap, which fans and critics alike hailed as Blackhawk Down meets Baywatch.

Riding the wave of fame that followed Death Leap was exhilarating. The shark figured, hey, I got it made in Hollywood, now it's time to enjoy myself. And so, he attended the