Cärl Brüder Versus the Self-Publishing Apocalypse!

By Russell Holbrook

We all know that self-publishing can be challenging, but for one writer, it's hell!

 

Cärl Brüder was a young self-publishing guru, his name whispered in awe and admiration among hopeful writers. His webinars and courses were like golden tickets to the world of successful indie publishing, and students from all walks of life flocked to him with dreams of becoming best-selling authors. He exuded confidence and charm, his words laced with promises of wealth and stardom that seemed within reach for those who followed his teachings. And yet, for one particular student, these promises remained elusive and unattainable, creating a mounting sense of desperation and disappointment. The reality of their situation slowly dawned on them as they faced the daunting question: what happens when the young teacher's guarantees of success don't come true? It was a problem that threatened to shatter their dreams and leave them lost in the harsh reality of the publishing world.

 

Totally recommended if you like Carlton Mellick III, Cameron Pierce, Adult Swim, and the wacky and weird!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Splatterpiece Press
• Release date: Feb 24, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224801626

Russell Holbrook

Staff writer #001428, Russell Holbrook, writes books, stories, and music exclusively for the glory of Valkos Enterprises Department of Letters and Distractionary Materials. He has been a faithful and steadfast employee of the division since 1989 when, as a teenager, he was moved from his assignment on the conveyor line at the Valkos computer parts recycling supercenter to the Writers of Distractionary Materials warehouse where he continues to occupy his very own desk with an inspirational cactus, under a small window on the 17th floor. He lives in West Mable Town with his legally registered life partner and their five furry children.   

Book preview

Narrator’s Note

Dear reader, thank you for taking the time to read my humble communication. As we all know, we live in uncertain economic times. With this reality comes the challenge of making a consistent living. This challenge can be especially daunting for those working in the arts or other creative fields. I honestly did not wish to take on the job narrating the story you are about to read but, as rent was due and my agent hadn’t received any other offers, I agreed to do the job. Although I had little to work with, I want you to know that I have sincerely done my best with what I was afforded. Never before have I encountered such inane, difficult characters. They never showed up to work on time, they were rude and demanding, and they insisted on taking lunch at the inconvenient time of 3:17 p.m. every day. In addition to the unruly characters, the set was dangerous and accidents were barely avoided on several occasions. The director was aloof and difficult to communicate with and the producers were rarely available for any advice, to answer questions, or to hear my concerns. However, despite these hazards and hardships, the crew and I pulled together and saw the project through to its completion. Although I feel that the results to be completely ludicrous, I hope that you will find our efforts to your satisfaction. Thank you again for your time and understanding.

Most sincerely,

The Narrator

February 2024

An abstract rendering of Dehumanizer after a sighting in Avondale Park, July 2017. Drawing by Westley Boyer. Used with the kind permission of the Valkos Department for the Study of Mythical Creatures and Local Folklore.

One

It was a balmy Tuesday morning in late July when Cärl Brüder sat down at his Ultra-Tech 9.0 Fancy Pants Edition computing station. He glanced at the digital clock atop one of the four sleek chrome speakers he used for blaring gospel hip-hop jams and inspirational online videos. His left eyebrow sprung up. Cärl’s official countdown clock was telling him he had precisely one hour left before his next webinar, How to Excel with Good Intentions and Become a World-Wide Best-Selling Author in Thirty Minutes or Less, was scheduled to begin. A tiny thunderstorm churned in his pants as the young authorpreneur thought about all the unsuspecting saps he would dupe at the end of the webinar, when, after riling them up for approximately one hour and sixteen minutes and tapping into those long-held and unacted-upon dreams, with a natural salesperson’s perfect timing, he would drop his pitch and watch the tear-soaked money come rolling in. He thanked his Jesus for all the not-so-smart people in the world who felt that they had something to say, that believed deep in their naive lizard brains that they were worthy, that they were good enough, to write a book!

Bless their little itty-bitty hearts, Cärl thought to himself with a wry grin.

Cärl surveyed his custom-built computing station to make sure everything was in order. His solid gold earbuds sat clean and sparkling beside the gleaming platinum keyboard. The aerodynamic, space program-grade weightless aluminum and glass monitor was streak-free and perfectly centered for optimum visibility and low natural light interference. The drive hummed peacefully; its murmur filled Cärl’s soul with peace and joy. He breathed easily and felt relaxed. He pushed back in his plush, comfy rolling chair. Bobblehead bling-bling Jesus nodded to him from his perch on top of the right-hand speaker. Cärl sensed total and complete swellness. He smiled: only fifty-eight minutes to go before he would help a whole new crowd of internet seekers get started on their way to a new life. Only fifty-eight minutes till—

A rumble shook the computing station. Cärl’s comfy desk chair trembled and rolled twelve millimeters in an unexpected westerly direction.

Dang it! What the heck was that? Cärl exclaimed.

A small, disquieting earthquake rattled Cärl’s entire special webinar broadcasting mancave. High-pitched screeching spewed out of his highest of high-tech speakers. Horrifying squiggles crisscrossed Cärl’s monitor screen, filling him with dread.

My special super high-tech monitor! What’s happening? He cried. I gotta stop this weird weirdness!

Cärl frantically pounded away on the keys, sending command after command to the computer. The squiggles only got squigglier. Dang it, y’all! Cärl hollered. He tapped on the keys again and again but to no avail. Two whole minutes went by. Two whole effing minutes!! Cärl couldn’t understand