Cult Classics for the Modern Cult: Cult Classics for the Modern Cult, #1

By Michelle Browne

Ten insane short stories from the B-movie realm fill out this anthology. There's a little violence, some adult (18+) content, and a lot of completely bizarre creatures. Straighten your altar to the dark gods, pop open a can of your favorite mutagen, and hold on tight--there are threats much bigger than Godzilla, and they're coming to a Kindle near you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michelle Browne
• Release date: Feb 22, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224327737

Michelle Browne

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partners-in-crime and their cats. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and nightmares, as well as social justice issues. She is currently working on the next books in her series, other people's manuscripts, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Book preview

Forward

Michelle Browne

This collection is a product of a specific moment in time in the indie publishing revolution: the uprising of crypto-erotica. In the wake of Fifty Shades of Grey, the market for saucy stories boomed. And soon, because the limits of human creativity and depravity have no event horizon, unusual tales were flooding the market. BDSM, an entirely different kind of Monster Mash, and all sorts of freaky paramours became the flavor of the month.

I am proud to call some of these depraved, creative types my friends and collaborators. The collection that follows was inspired by crypto-erotica, but more, it’s inspired by the B-movies (and C-movies, and Z-movies...) that lie at the heart of the trend.

Some of these stories contain sexuality and erotic elements—those are mostly at the back end of the book. Violence, swearing, and really strange monsters abound. If any of these things bothers you, or you are easily offended, turn back now before it’s too late.

For the rest of you degenerates and odd sorts, welcome to the first collection of Cult Classics for the Modern Cult. If you like it, please leave us a review or check out our first Christmas collection, Frost and Other Stories, here. http://www.amazon.com/Frost-Other-Stories-Ian-Rideout-ebook/dp/B00HHT1HIG/

And remember—the journey into a dark cabin in the woods begins with a single footstep and a dropped flashlight.

Attack of the Giant Abominable Gopher People

L.K. Hatchett

Houses that dot the landscape are imploding as giant holes open up beneath them. Billboards and road signs are disappearing the same way. It's as if the GAGs know, and they are searching. They may even know they're getting close. Too close.

Glancing over at the General as he reloads his rifle once again, I wonder what the secret is.

Can this thing go any faster? he shouts.

The short answer? No, it can't.

When they called for a driver to get General Kasper to the White House, I volunteered. Then they gave me the worst vehicle to get away in. This damn jeep doesn't even have a top. What were they thinking? The fucking aliens can easily take our heads off in this death trap.

I shudder at the thought, the wind blowing through my short hair giving me the sensation that it's from long, sword-like claws swiping too close. It's making me too damn jumpy.

A hole opens up to our right and I swerve away from it. But we're still too close as a giant mammal-like rodent person jumps at us from out of the ground. He swings at us with his sword-like claws. The sound of them schinking together motivates me to press the pedal further, even though it's already as far down as it will go. As big as they are, they sure are fast. It swipes again and the General plants his foot in its face. The beast falls away. General Kasper is lucky his leg wasn't severed by the massive machete-like teeth.

Howling in excitement, some of my jumpiness bleeds away. Maybe we'll complete the mission with this piece of junk vehicle after all.

The ground begins morphing to our left as movement underneath displaces the soil. I try not to watch in horror as an entire house gets swallowed up, the one closest to us yet. Two more of the beasts come up from the ground as a family escapes from their collapsing home, only to be devoured.

Concentrate! the General yells as the scene momentarily shocks me into a wobbly swerve. He fires more rounds at the horrific aliens. 

Feeling sluggish and slow despite my expertise as a driver, I'm in a haze. The whole world seems to slow down. Emptied rounds of ammunition fly across the dashboard in slow motion as General Kasper keeps shooting. Blood bursts into the air, splattering the hood as a gopher gets too close. Bits of bloodied bone smear across the windshield as I flip on the windshield wipers.

Time speeds up again when a billboard leans over the road ahead of us. I swerve hard to the left and almost ram a truck. The others on the road are in my way.  A hole opens up in the pavement and swallows the truck. In my relief that he didn't wreck us, I feel a twinge of regret that he met such a tragic end. The regret is short-lived as a new challenge presents itself. There is so much debris and destruction that I'm not sure what I'm looking at.

Curve! I yell as the road suddenly veers off to the right.

Yanking the steering wheel to the right, I feel myself leaning into the turn. My heart leaps into my throat as the jeep tilts up on two wheels. The General appears to be unconcerned, still unloading his weapon with deadly accuracy. Jerking the wheel back to the left, the jeep crashes back down on all four tires. My arms fly hand over hand across the steering wheel, the vehicle wobbling left and right before I regain control of it. 

That's why you're the driver, General Kasper grins.

Debris flies all around us as a gopher person suddenly erupts through another billboard, flying straight at us. General Kasper shoots him in the head and his body flops limply across the hood.

Great shooting, I grin back. That's why he's the gunner.

Never leave home without one, son. The General pats his gun almost lovingly.

I'm not really much of a soldier, and I'm certain General Kasper knows that. Before the invasion, I was a professional stunt driver. You know those annoying car commercials that used to be on television? The ones that display a warning, Do not attempt. Professional driver on closed course. Well, that's me. I'm the professional driver. Or I was, until they came.

Arriving from outer space without warning in great numbers, the giant beasts immediately began burrowing large networks beneath the surface of the Earth. Bipedal, covered in gnarly hair with rodentine faces, they have long sword-like claws and they mean to kill us all. 

Close to the city now, I drive up on an overpass. The General starts shooting again as I gun it. They can't get us up here, but I can already see where the overpass ends. I can smell them; the stench rising from their holes is tangible. The shooting stops as the General pauses to reload his weapon.

I stare in horror as a hole opens up at the bottom of the overpass. A giant gopher pops out of it, snarling ferociously and gnashing his giant machete teeth. Slamming on the brakes, I already know our forward momentum is too fast. The General fires round after round into him, but the beast doesn't move.

Tires squeal over pavement and we run head on into the alien. My head slams forward onto the steering wheel. Stars erupt across my vision as pain shoots over my forehead. Warm liquid stings my eyes and I realize I'm bleeding.

I look over at the General, He is momentarily stunned by an airbag that deployed from the dash. Mine must have malfunctioned. Seeing the General's rifle on the floor, I reach down to pick it up and the airbag suddenly pops out of the steering wheel across my back.

Fucking shit! I yell. I try to sit up and can't, trapped in an awkward position fully doubled over under the steering wheel. Irritation prickles over my skin.

The General starts yelling and my panic triples as I try to free myself. The entire jeep is being jerked around, and the fog from my mind disappears with the clarity that we are in the clutches of one of the giants. We are going to fucking die. The mission failed. What a really shitty way to go.

I am able to crawl my way out from under my trap just as the GAG grabs the General between its teeth and flings him out of the jeep. Pulling the gun up with me, I barely get a round off before the creature wrenches it from my hands and flings it away as well.

We are going to rid this planet of you human filth, the creature says, his voice whistling through his teeth.

My eyes widen. "So you fuckers can talk."

The gopher stands to his full height and laughs. "That is why you’ll lose. You fuckers are too stupid to realize our capabilities."

All I can do is watch in horror as the beast pulls back his fist and spears me with one of his sword-claws through the shoulder. I scream through blinding pain as I'm pulled out of my seat.

The next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground on my stomach, opening my eyes, wincing at the bright sun. Maybe I have been dreaming after all. There's dirt in my mouth, my teeth grinding on the grit. I spit it out and pain lances through my shoulder. I close my eyes and open them again. Damn, this hurts. Nope, still not dreaming. It's a living nightmare that never ends.

Ah, the human finally awakens. Your species is so fragile. We will easily take you all down. That whistling voice again. I curl my lip in disgust. This...thing is really starting to piss me off.

Painfully rolling over onto my back, something catches my eye and I pause. There is a flash of light, like a reflection off of metal. My heart races when I realize it's the rifle, practically right next to me. I can grab it with an outstretched hand, but any sudden movements at this point will only get me killed.

Continuing the roll to my back, I act as if I've been defeated. The creature is towering over me, some kind of disgusting liquid dripping from its mouth. The drool falls with a huge splash that soaks my left leg. I shift the wet appendage slightly against the gun.

Why haven't you killed me yet? I ask. Keep him talking. He won't notice my gradual movement towards the gun.

You don't know? the abomination said. You really are as dumb as you look.

He's not watching me, and I manage to slide directly over the weapon.

Why don't you enlighten a dumb 'ol human like me, then, I say.

You mean, before I kill you? The gopher whistles, its head tilting to the side like a confused dog.

I stare at him. It takes effort not to roll my eyes. I briefly wonder how these creatures are so technologically smart. Maybe this one was on the short end of the gene pool. If you'd be so kind.

The GAG points its long claw towards a mass on the ground about twenty feet away. A lump forms in my throat when I realize it's General Kasper. My eyes linger on his prone form. I think he might be breathing, but I can't tell for certain.

That one looks dumber than you, the alien