Kiss My Impeccable Rear End

By Keu Dinku

Tales of despair, insanity and most important, hope. Each one exhilarating than the other. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Keu Dinku
• Release date: Feb 16, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224449880

Book preview

1.The dying man.(excerpt from fiends).

I arrive at Josto's place and find him sick as a flea bitten starving dog, in his own words at least. He tries to convey that he's miserable but it's so damn hard to take him seriously. His usual air of gaiety is too embedded an impression. His wincing seems like a ploy. His groans sound like malicious gurgles. His predicament seems to lack authenticity.

He's entertaining the notion that he's about to croak. I ask him if so, then why hasn't he phoned for medical assistance. He snaps at me rapidly, informing me that he knows for a fact, that professor Waldo has an arrangement with the hospitals around, a sinister one at that, where they promise to neglect a good number of critical patients. Since his is the biggest coffin business around, the more deaths around, the more coffins he sells.

It's all preposterous and I tell him so. He assures me his clarity stems from the almost sage like vision imbued on souls floating between life and death. Anyway, the guy is nuts the way I see it. He refuses to lie on his side but rather does it on his back, arms stretched across his chest, just like a bloody corpse. Aaliyah seats quiet beside him, she's nervous like hell. She has no experience in handling dead bodies.

Josto has the idea to phone the morgue, seconds before his passing away. I laugh at this, everyone else is silent. Aaliyah shakes her head and starts to sob into her palms.

Cheer up you bloody fool, you're scaring the girl, I try my best to ease the situation, but he won't cede an inch. He's cock sure the reaper is about to strike and it's none of our bloody business whether we believe him or not.

The next minute, he's convinced that he doesn't want to die childless. He beseeches me to leave the room briefly so that he can see to it with Aaliyah. Aaliyah then stops her crying and issues a cruel laugh,I won't raise an orphan, she spits this out defiantly.

Josto sighs and remarks, There's worse things than dying childless. He wants me now to name my first child after him if I  ever have children. I remind him am an antinatalist but he won't hear me out. Just pop one out in honor of my memory, he barks out. Am now convinced there's no ounce of reason rattling in his empty brain.

Even if he did truly die on me now, I wouldn't dream of having a child just so I can name it after him. He finally gives up. Don't bother, I know you're a lying bastard. Even if you were to promise me on my deathbed, I know you'd spit on my headstone after the funeral and do the opposite of it, he utters in a hopeless tone.

––––––––

I'm running out of patience and tell him that he's damn right. He then wants to send me to the market for a tie. He's donned his only suit for his last rites but couldn't find his tie. Aaliyah wouldn't go as she was afraid to leave him in his fragile state. Why bother? They'll just strip you naked anyway and put you on display atop a cold slab, I try to reason with him.

He says it doesn't matter, what he wants to ensure is that everything is in order. He even entertains the idea of calling up professor Waldo in order to bargain the price of a coffin. He changes his mind, suggests that I should be the one to do it. I just sit back, gaze at him amused.

His phone starts ringing and he weakly turns his head. He's injected with instant strength when he sees that it's his father. He picks it up with enthusiasm. Josto doesn't inform him of his impending doom.

After a while though, it seems Josto is bent on quarreling with his father. He's offering sarcastic replies and at times resorting to incoherent mumbling. After