My Silent Cacophony: On Therapy, Hospitalization, and Treatment

By Jonathan Ashline

My Silent Cacophony follows the author's journey as he navigates the world of anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses before eventually finding himself checked into a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York. Jonathan is accompanied in his struggles by personified versions of many of his emotions, such as anxiety, depression, confidence, rage, love, and paranoia. Some of these emotions seek to guide Jonathan toward mental health, while others interfere with his daily life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Ashline
• Release date: Jan 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9798985870336

Book preview

This is (mostly) a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2023 Jonathan C. Ashline

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in book reviews.

First edition paperback March 2023

Cover art by Mikhael Benson

ISBN 979-8-9858703-2-9 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-9858703-3-6 (ebook)

www.JonathanAshline.com

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Table of Contents

Coming to Terms                        4

Another Word of Caution                 6

i hate my life                         7

Anxiety Returns                         8

Dawnstar                         13

Rejection                        14

The High Cost of Eros                18

Six Blocks                         22

Confidence V. Phone                26

2 grams                                 30

Valentine’s Day                        31

:)                                35

CPEP: Night One                        36

A Quiet Place to Die                 43

CPEP: The Phone                44

15 Minutes                        47

CPEP: My First Day                 48

Decaf                                51

CPEP: Night Two                52

Rain                                56

CPEP: Dr. Luca                         57

My Brother, Michael                63

CPEP: Family Visit                65

Jesse                                71

CPEP: Jonathan                        72

Will I?                                75

CPEP: Group                         76

One Day At A Time                87

CPEP: Hold Me Back                88

Cosmic                                94

CPEP: Discharge                        95

The (Newer) 21-Point Scale for Mental Health                                99

About the Author                 100

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Coming to Terms

A diagnosis is a funny thing. On the one hand, it can help identify and focus attention on a medical issue or problem. On the other hand, it can also trap you in a web of self-monitoring behavior. Comparing your every action, sometimes your every thought, to the label that's been placed upon you by some supposed expert. I have reached a point in my journey where I have (most days) outgrown my diagnosis. That will be the subject of my third novel, My Fight for Balance: On Recovery, Healing, and Growth , but this book, My Silent Cacophony , was very different.

In this book, I attempted to tell my story surrounding my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. That means the suicidal tendencies that I battled, my disappearance and hospitalization, the diagnosis, and my reaction. Some of it will be hard to read, much of it was terrifying to live through, and all of it was a struggle to overcome. Thus, I can say, in more ways than one, that this book has been the hardest piece of writing I've ever published before.

I am aware that it’s a tall order, but my hope is that this struggle bus of a book will translate into equally as enjoyable or illuminating to read. Either way, I invite you to come along with me on my mental health journey to the hospital and beyond.

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Another Word of Caution

Out of an abundance of caution, I’d like to include a trigger warning here. My Silent Cacophony  contains references to suicide, self-harm, drugs, and a host of other adult content and themes. If you think you may be emotionally triggered by any of the above-mentioned, this book might not be for you.

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i hate my life

i hate my life

the words slip out

the clouds begin to form

the darkness takes hold

i fucking hate my life

i’m miserable now

angry, even

mad at the universe 

its conception of me

i didn’t ask for this life

i never once requested

the suffering

the heartache

the pain 

i hate my life

i want it to end

an end to the pain

an end to the tragedy

that is my existence

Anxiety Returns

You think you’re really clever, don’t you?

The voice comes from just over your shoulder, and you startle. 

"You thought you’d just write me off?!

The old familiar voice belongs to Mr.