The Father Wound...and Beyond: Confronting and Healing the Greatest Wound of All

By Bob Allen Kroll and Bob Schuchts

There is a wound in almost every man's heart, an unblessed injury passed down from the one man in our lives who was called to protect and care for us. This is "the father wound." It cuts deep into our souls, destroying our unique identity, and causing us to erect barriers of anger and shame that affect us and our children's lives for generations to come. But there is hope to break this cycle of pain caused by abuse and neglect. Author Bob Kroll examines this complicated maze of confusion and self-destructive habits and provides a rock-solid approach for Catholic men to find healing and restoration through faith, forgiveness, and foundational living. Through personal story, biblical exegesis, and practical application, this book walks with the reader along the road to recovery, so that he can become the great man, husband, and father he was called to be by God.

The Father Wound...and Beyond will help you discover the battles within your heart, and what you can do to live life to the fullest—a must read for every Catholic man who is serious about his faith!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350931792

Book preview

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I willingly and joyfully submit all the material contained in this book to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church for final judgment.

Bob Allen Kroll

© 2023 Bob Allen Kroll

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, except in the case of brief quotations in the context of reviews, without written permission from With All Your Heart Institute, Neenah, WI. Contact at: www.withallyourheart.org

Scripture texts in this work, unless otherwise noted, taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture texts designated NIV taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scriptures texts designated ASV public domain and can be found at https://www.biblegateway.com/.

English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for the United States of America copyright © 1994, United States Catholic Conference, Inc.—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: Modifications from the Editio Typica copyright © 1997, United States Catholic Conference, Inc.—Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

ISBN 979-8-35090-645-5 eBook 979-8-35090-646-2

Front cover image © iStock by Getty Images

Back cover portrait © Jason Allen Kroll

To my earthly dad, Bob Frank Kroll, and to my Heavenly Dad, Abba.

Contents

Foreword by Bob Schuchts

Introduction

PART 1 : CONFRONTING THE WOUND

Chapter 1: Childhood Father Wounds

Chapter 2 : Attack on Fatherhood in the Beginning

Chapter 3 : The Effects of Fatherlessness

Chapter 4 : What is the Father Wound?

Chapter 5 : The Fatherhood of God

Chapter 6 : What Does a Child Need from a Father?

PART II : HEALING THE WOUND

Chapter 7 : The Heart and the Mind

Chapter 8 : The Properties of a Heart Wound

Chapter 9 : The Prison Cell of Unforgiveness

Chapter 10 : Forgiveness: The Key to Overcoming Our Wounds

Chapter 11 : My Life-Changing Story of Forgiveness and Healing

Chapter 12 : What Will Be Your Personal Story of Healing?

Acknowledgments

About The Author

Notes

And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers; lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. (Mal 4:6 ASV)

Foreword by Bob Schuchts

I first met Bob Kroll at a men’s retreat in 2010. This was the providential weekend which he writes about in this book. That event changed his life and inspired his passion to help men find healing from the father wound. Bob almost didn’t make it to that retreat. His flight from Wisconsin was canceled at the last minute when a violent storm arose. There were no flights available in any of the airports throughout the Midwest. Compelled by the Spirit, he and his friend Shawn drove 18 hours through the night, making it just in time for the start of the conference. 

I was there that weekend and can vouch for the account he shares in this book, as he enthusiastically told me about it then, and now describes it in vivid detail more than ten years later. I have followed Bob’s journey since that men’s conference, and I have seen the fruit of the changes in his life and in all his relationships. His relationship with his wife and children is noticeably different. He has forgiven his father and healed his relationship with his parents. As you will see, he is passionate about sharing these graces with you, the reader. He now spends his time, resources, and knowledge helping men find healing of their father wounds so that they can become the husband and father all men desire to be.

Men and women alike have father wounds. While both men and women will benefit from this book, it is only men who can be fathers. As Bob notes, we cannot be the husbands and fathers God calls us to be until we face and heal our father wounds with our own fathers and grandfathers, and especially with God the Father. Most of our personal, familial, and societal problems originate in this father wound. That’s why we all need the kind of healing that Bob describes in this book. He starts by showing us why we need it. He then provides detailed descriptions of the effects of this wounding in our lives and how we perpetuate this wounding as husbands and fathers, until it is healed. Finally, Bob provides guidelines for how to work through the healing process.

I enjoyed reading this book. And I’m excited for you to read it. It is relatable, practical, and wise. I could relate to so much of what Bob has written here. I, too, had a father wound, and I have experienced tremendous healing in the way that Bob describes in this book. In fact, I believe my own father was on the same men’s retreat that Bob attended. I remember standing up and giving the talk on the father wound, with my father sitting in the front row. My dad then heard my brother Bart share his experiences of my dad leaving when he was five (and I was 13). After these talks, my dad walked up with tears in his eyes, genuinely grieved at hearing how his actions and abandonment had hurt us and his other children. But he was also deeply grateful for the ways God was redeeming those wounds in our lives. My dad then asked how he could heal his wounds with his dad, who had died 40 years earlier. After a few instructions and an hour of deep prayer and reflection, my dad came back with great joy on his face. In that hour, he walked through much of what Bob Kroll describes in this book. This will be your guide to the healing of your father wounds.

You may wonder whether you have a father wound, and if you need this book. Trust me, you do. Whether you had a great dad, no dad, or a dad that was abusive, or sometimes loving, or just absent, you have a father wound. We all have a primordial father wound from the Fall. And it is in some way or another influencing every generation of father-son relationships. It is affecting your identity as a son and influencing all of your relationships. Throughout this book, you will discover a tried-and-true pathway for identifying and healing this father wound. This book could very possibly be life-changing for you, as Bob passes on what he has discovered in his own healing journey. Read it slowly. Take it to heart. And then thank God for his fatherly love that has brought this book into your hands at this moment. Could this be your divine appointment? Are you as determined as Bob Kroll was when he drove those 18 hours to experience his personal transformation? 

As I finish this, I am praying for you and for all the people that will be blessed by you reading this book. 

Glory to the Father!

Bob Schuchts, author of Be Healed and founder of the John Paul II Healing Center

Introduction

Gentlemen, I believe the number one problem in our world today is the failure of a father to love his child. A father has an effect on a child like no other person in the world. A father has the authority to stamp onto his child’s heart one of two powerful messages: My dad loves me or My dad does not love me. When a child experiences a deficiency of love from the number one male caregiver in his or her life, an emotional injury can develop that often leads to various emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical disorders. These negative conditions can bring about an internal personal conflict, as well as external conflicts with others. These conflicts will continue to perpetuate until emotional healing occurs.

Why do I believe this to be the most significant crisis of our current times? Because a huge portion of fathers in the world today have abandoned their duties as a father. When a child feels the abandonment of a father’s love, he or she often becomes confused and angry. Confusion leads to bad choices. Anger leads to damaged relationships. Confusion does not bring about good marriages and anger can destroy good marriages. Both can poison a marriage before it starts or damage one irreparably in the end. Good marriages bring healthy children into the world, and the human family—man, woman, and child—form the foundation of a good society. A father initiates marriage and family. It begins with him, and its success is based upon his dedication to the family. Men, I believe with all my heart that we’re not doing so well in this area in our world today.

A father has an effect on a child like no one else. When you got into trouble as a kid, why did mom say, Wait until your father gets home? Dad has the final say. No one can overrule the judgment calls he makes. No one is stronger, faster, braver, or smarter than dad. He is the ultimate in courage and strength in our world.

Think about the fathers in history: the biblical patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob; the early Church Fathers, St. Clement, St. Ignatius of Antioch, St. Irenaeus, St. Augustine; the Founding Fathers of the United States, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson. These men, when imparting their praiseworthy virtues during the pinnacle of their lives, brought greatness to the people of their times. None of these fathers were perfect, but their substantial influence changed the world for the better.

We, as fathers, also have the ability to massively influence those placed in our care. We have been given this responsibility by our Father in heaven. All authority and power comes from God the Father. He created everything out of nothing and called it good. He laid down the laws of the universe. The movement of every galaxy to the movement of every electron obeys the rules laid down by the Father. And we, as fathers, are given this power and authority for good. What we do and say, or what we fail to do and say—for and to our children—has consequences for years and decades to come.

A father’s failure to love a child can take place in basically two ways: abuse or neglect. Abuse can be physical, psychological, sexual, verbal, or emotional. : Neglect is the absence of a father’s duty to care for all of his child’s physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. Abuse is the sin of commission. Neglect is the sin of omission.

This deep and lasting pain is what I call the father wound. I define the father wound as the long-term emotional pain a person suffers caused by the abandonment of a father’s love. This wound is a major epidemic in our world today, and it is having devastating consequences everywhere. Many of us have not only passed this wound onto our own children, but we have also suffered this wound from our own fathers. Genetics are passed down to the next generation, and so are the wounds through generational sin.

So, I have a question for you: On a scale of one to ten, with ten being great, and one being not good at all, how would you rate your childhood relationship with your earthly father?

Growing up, I lived in an old farmhouse built in the early 1900s. My three brothers and I shared a 12x12-foot bedroom upstairs, with two sets of bunk beds. The floors throughout the house were two-inch hardwood. When I was about 12, our old house had a small renovation done. We had linoleum flooring installed in the dining room, with a glossy finish, and a golden design on an off-white background. I am sure Mom and Dad were proud of the new look, especially since they rarely had any money for such luxuries as new flooring.

Being the oldest, I usually found something to entertain myself and my siblings when boredom hit. One uneventful day, a short time after the new linoleum flooring was placed, I was looking for something to do. I had it! I filled a pitcher with water and poured a thin layer of it onto the shiny linoleum floor. We then sprinted from our living room to the dining room and slid on our backsides along the new floor. But to play that game, I needed to move a huge and heavy table out of the way to the side of the room. This was not a dining room table, but a pool table. Mom and Dad had bought the pool table so that they could practice their favorite game in preparation for bar time and billiards.

You can imagine how heavy a seven-foot slate pool table is. Slate, as in the stone, about one and a half inches thick. But I pushed it out of the way, probably with help from one of my brothers. And then we had a grand old time slipping and sliding on the wet floor!

Later that day, Dad came in. The pool table was still to the side of the room since I had not moved it back. He looked down at the floor and he saw gouges and skid marks in the new linoleum from the pushing of the heavy pool table across the floor. I had not even realized we had done that when we relocated the table. But Dad saw it right away.

He called me into the dining room. He pointed to the damaged floor and said angrily, Did you do that? I told him that, yeah, I must have when I pushed the table to the side. Without warning, he began to smack me hard on the back of the head, about eight or ten times in a row. My eyes were shut tight as he struck me, and I remember seeing stars with every blow to my brain stem. I didn’t duck. I didn’t put up my hands to protect myself. I just stood there and took it.

There is something very devastating that takes place when you are struck in the head or the face. Why? Because it is a direct assault on your identity. Your face is how people recognize and identify you. Four of your five senses are specifically located within your head. Your cognitive functions take place within your brain. You think and imagine and remember and make decisions and move your muscles because of the processes which take place in your head. An assault to the head is most devastating when it comes from a father.

After the attack, I walked away, crying and humiliated. I was only about 12 years old. My mistake was unintentional, and I felt that the repercussion was excessive. Yes, the new floor was damaged, But Dad, I thought, I did not know that would happen! I would never have moved the table had I known! I received a message loud and clear from Dad: You are an idiot. You are stupid. You are careless. You are worthless, or at least worth less than the linoleum. I don’t want you around here anymore.

Not only was I physically and emotionally wounded after this incident, but I was also extremely angry, as my 12-year-old sense of justice told me that my dad’s reaction was wrong. He was dead wrong! I walked away from the dining room into the living room and turned towards the steps leading upstairs, feeling complete shame, but also extreme rage. I stopped at the foot of the stairs at the corner and turned around where my dad could not see me. I raised my arms as if holding a shotgun and pointed it at Dad. Tears of betrayal ran down my face as I saw the one man who should love me unconditionally, even when I mess up. Demons from hell were probably swirling around me, screeching in delight as my fury escalated and reached a point of no return. I sighted in on the man who had attacked me. I pulled the trigger of my imaginary gun, and my body recoiled from the blast. I wanted to kill my father. And I had killed him—in my heart.

During those difficult times with my father, on a scale of one to ten, the relationship I had with my father was at most, a two.

In this book I will demonstrate why most of the troubles you have in life are related to an emotional wound, and specifically, a father wound. Now I know, we have all been hurt by all sorts of people in our lives, wounds beyond just your dad. You may or may not have been wounded by your father, but perhaps by your mother, or by siblings, other relatives, teachers, babysitters, bullies at school, total strangers, or even by your own spouse or your children. But if you go back far enough into the history of any of these wounders, you will find a father who wounded them that eventually made its way down to you.

Men, I want to propose to you that the emotional wounds that are received directly from a father as a young child are the most intense and overwhelming wounds of all. A father has an authority over his children that no other person in the universe has. This authority has the power to affect a child to his or her core for a lifetime.

In the pages you will soon read, I am going to show you the underlying cause of many of your negative thoughts, emotions, and character traits. You will begin to understand why you have problems with relationships—with your wife, your children, your co-workers, with anyone. You will learn why sometimes you have uncontrollable rage, or perhaps the opposite, why you feel like a wimp, afraid and passive. You will discover why you have certain impulses or addictions that you cannot rid yourself of. You will see the root causes of issues like anxiety, depression, phobias, immaturity, impatience, lack of motivation, workaholism, low self-esteem, a lack of trust in God, and many others. You will see how many of these problems relate to a father wound that you received.

Not only will you know why these issues exist for you, you will learn how to overcome these problems permanently. I will explain how to discover your true identity and to help you realize that