Let’s Put on a Show: A Collection of Plays

By Rosie Taravella

Rosie Taravella's "Let's Put on a Show" offers a retrospective collection of her plays from the 1990s, a testament to her unique talent for character-driven humor and truthful narratives. The anthology includes "Pa's Funeral," a comedic exploration of a family unraveled by the patriarch's death and unexpected surprises he leaves behind. "Rose's Bowl-O-Rama" flips the lives of bowling alley workers and patrons when an advertising agency considers them for a TV endorsement. "A Shrink in the Family" follows the return of a professional therapist to her hometown, where her judgmental family awaits. "Lovers Lake" is a romantic comedy featuring two park rangers with contrasting personalities vying for leadership. "Hide and Freak" is a poignant monodrama that features a woman grappling with her dysfunctional past. Lastly, "The Wives" provides a humorous and touching account of five women, acquainted through their husbands' company picnics, attempting to bond. "Let's Put on a Show" encapsulates Taravella's knack for authentic dialogue, humor, and touching storytelling.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350915471

Book preview

A Foreword by the Playwright

These plays served my purpose at the end of the twentieth century – to be discovered as an actor in Hollywood, but also to bond with talented friends who just wanted to keep the show going. I had the good fortune to fall in with a bunch of incredibly talented people in Charles Nelson Reilly’s acting class, but also the ability to write, and the capability to produce theater. After earning lots of residuals from acting in several commercials, I had some cash and became the one who frequently said, Hey kids, let’s put on a show. As so we did, under the various names of my production companies: Broads on the Boards Productions, The All Original Playwright Company (in partnership with Lisa Soland), and The Padrina Group. Sometimes the venues we used shared production credit, and many of them gave us a break on renting their spaces.

Some of these efforts bared fruit – gaining the attention of talent and literary agents, being invited to act in other theatre productions in Hollywood’s Equity-Waiver theatres, and, in the case of Pa’s Funeral, having my work optioned as a film script. As a new member of the Writers Guild, I registered two sitcom pilots and workshopped them as plays, with many of the same wonderful actors playing roles. Lots of this work went nowhere, but we had fun.

The early years of the 21st century coincided with my desire to leave my acting and writing efforts behind, and to get a real job. I have worked in executive leadership at nonprofits ever since, utilizing many of the talents I picked up as a producer: fundraising, hiring (which I sometimes consider casting), and leading talented people to positive outcomes. At the age of 60, I started cleaning up the basement of my home in New Jersey and found my scripts, which were lying dormant for over 20 years. They’ve been cleaned up and they are here for you to enjoy.

—Rosie Taravella, Port Murray, New Jersey, July 2023

Part I: One Acts, Pilots

and Monodramas

Pa’s Funeral

Production History

Pa’s Funeral premiered at the Tamarind Theatre in Hollywood on October 8, 1995. The production was directed by Mark Fauser. It was performed by:

Rosalie Rorello: Rosie Taravella

Antonio Torello: Robert D’Avanzo

Anna Torello: Anita Gregory

Man in Yarmulke: Charles Venturi

Benedetto Torello: John D’Aquino

Crying Woman: Christy Noonan

Angela Torello (Ma): Judith Scarpone

Don Vito Geone: John Cirigliano

UPS Guy (Ivan): Ed Beechner

Carlo Torello (Voice Over): Gene Wolande

Pizza Guy: Michael Caron

Enzo: Brandon Meyer

Pa’s Funeral became the basis for Carlo’s Wake, an independent film produced in 1998 by Triple Axel Productions, starring Martin Landau and Rita Moreno.

Cast of Characters

Rosalie Torello: A thirty-five year old, somber Italian woman in a black dress, who has taken on the role of family matriarch now that her mother has run off with another man.

Antonio Torello: Rosalie’s thirty year-old brother, a struggling musician who is conflicted over his black sheep status.

Anna Torello: The youngest in the family, Anna is a twenty-eight-year-old bulimic, pursuing her father’s dream for her to become an opera singer.

Man In Yarmulke: A mourner for the dead man in the next room who mistakenly stops in to pay respects to Carlo.

Bennetto Torello: Carlo’s eldest son and pride of the family, Bennetto is a thirty-seven-year-old tuna fisherman who Rosalie dotes on-- much to the chagrin of Antonio and Anna.

Crying Woman: A sexy woman in a waitress costume, a surprise visitor to Carlo’s wake.

Angela Torello (Ma): Carlo’s outspoken and sexily clad wife, who’s estrangement from her children must be dealt with upon her arrival at Carlo’s wake.

Don Vito Geone: A famous mobster and another surprise visitor to Carlo’s wake.

UPS Guy (Ivan): A handsome, muscular delivery man.

Carlo Torello (Voice Over): Patriarch of the Torello family, he utters his final words to his children on a cassette tape from his hospital bed.

Pizza Guy: A young delivery man who comes to mourn his favorite customer, Carlo.

Enzo D’Angelo: Owner of the funeral home.

Setting

The Sunset Room:

a viewing room at D’Angelo’s Funeral Home, Brooklyn.

Time

The present.

SCENE

Setting: We are in the Sunset Room, a viewing room at the D’Angelo Funeral Home. The decor is over-opulent yet faded and somewhat outdated. In the middle of the room, in a shiny black coffin, lies THE BODY OF CARLO TORELLO, early seventies. Rows of folding chairs flank the coffin upstage, on either side of the room’s entrance.

ROSALIE TORELLO enters in the room where her deceased father rests. Arias from Verdi’s Rigoletto play on the sound system, followed by other opera favorites.

Rosalie kneels at Carlo’s coffin, dabbing at her eyes. She lays a hand on his stiff shoulder.

ROSALIE

It’s just you an’ me, Pa. Just like it’s always been. None of the other kids are here on time. Just thought I’d let you know that. Not that they don’t love you. It’s just that none of ‘em loved you like me.

(wiping her eyes)

I did everything you asked me to do. I got you a crypt in the mausoleum. I told ‘em you don’t like bugs, so they got you one up real high. It’s gonna be a pain in the ass to bring you flowers, but that’s okay. I had the undertaker prop up your head so your neck will look longer. And...

(pointing to the speakers)

...I made the reel. I put Rigoletto first, just like you said. Bella Figlia, fair daughter of love. Remember when you used to sing this to me?

Rosalie mouths along silently. Then:

ROSALIE

Is that loud enough for you?

(beat)

Listen, Pa, I found the will. I hope you don’t mind that I read it. Mingia, Pa... when Ma finds out you left her off it, the shit’s gonna hit the fan. I mean, I don’ care. The whore don’t deserve a dime. Let her come talk to me, I’ll tell her why her name ain’t on the paper. And you don’t have to worry about her ruining today, Pa. She ain’t comin’. She’d be a fool to come here. She knows we’d all kill her the minute she walked in the door. Leaving you like she did. Then she finds out you’re sick, and what does she do? She goes to Scottsdale with Uncle Chavy. Avoids you like the plague. You know, I’m pretty sure Ma don’t even know that you croaked.

Rosalie looks behind her, toward the hallway and lobby.

ROSALIE

Everybody’s asking where she is. I told ‘em she knew you were dead, an’ she didn’t wanna come. You shoulda seen Aunt Josephine. She gave Ma the evil eye.

Rosalie extends the index and pinkie finger of her left hand-- the Italian evil eye gesture.

ROSALIE

She said, When that bitch dies I’m gonna spit on her grave. Not that she’s gonna get a chance. Aunt Jo’s gonna croak before anybody else does. I’m surprised you beat her to it. That goiter? Bigger than her whole head. Don’t worry, Pa, she can’t hear me. She’s in the next room stuffing the entire buffet into her face. I just know there ain’t gonna be any left for Bennetto.

Rosalie pauses, then smiles.

ROSALIE

Yeah, Pa. That’s the surprise I was tellin’ you about! Bennetto’s coming to see you off! Well, he got the tuna boat to turn around, that’s how. He’s got pull. You know why? Cause he’s your son.

Rosalie sniffles, not knowing that ANTONIO, her younger brother, has heard the last few sentences. He enters angrily.

ANTONIO

Oh, sure, make everything right for Bennetto. Mr. Important. What’s a matter? Your other brother don’t deserve any food?

Rosalie addresses him without turning around.

ROSALIE

Antonio, just eat all the God damn food you want, all right? I don’t suppose you brought any? You gotta leave everything to me, huh? As usual.

Antonio holds up a bunch of fliers, advertising his next guitar performance.

ANTONIO

I had a gig! You know I woulda done whatever I could for Pa.

ROSALIE

Then why are you late?

ANTONIO

I went to the Horse and Chariot Room. I did an entire Rosary for some guy named Maury Shapiro.

Rosalie crosses to the doorway and pokes her head out.

ROSALIE

(yelling)

Enzo, I told you, you got the signs mixed up! Carlo Torello is in the Sunset Room! Now change the sign!

Rosalie crosses back to Antonio. They hug.

ROSALIE

How you been? You never come by.

ANTONIO

I been too sad, Rose. Too sad.

They stand over the coffin, staring at Carlo for a long time. Antonio Chokes up.

ANTONIO

He’s never gonna see my children.

ROSALIE

None of us are gonna see your children.

ANTONIO

What’s that supposed to mean?

ROSALIE

Wha, you gonna find a girl crazy enough to lay under you?

Antonio raises his arm, as though to strike Rosalie.

ANTONIO

You speak with that trash mouth in front of a dead man? You’re no sister of mine.

ROSALIE

I don’ care anymore!! You understand? I did everything for Pa! Everything! I don’ wanna see you cry over him now that he’s dead. Five years you never say a word to him! Now you’re all sad? Va fattina caminata! You’re worse than Ma!

Antonio slaps Rosalie.

ANTONIO

Don’t mention the slut in front of him.

ROSALIE

He’s dead.

ANTONIO

He can hear you. Show some respect.

They look at Pa, each making the sign of the cross. Then:

ANTONIO

Rosalie...you got a hundred bucks you can loan me till Thursday?

Rosalie swats Antonio.

ROSALIE

Get outta here!

ANTONIO

Pa woulda wanted you to take care of your brother in his time of need!

ROSALIE

Ha! You know what Pa wanted? Don’t tell me what Pa wanted! I knew that man better than anybody.

ANNA, the youngest sibling, enters, holding a giant cup of coffee. She sees Pa, sobs, sets down her cup and flings herself on the coffin.

ANNA

I can’t believe he’s gone! I can’t believe he’s gone!

Anna attempts to climb into the coffin. Rosalie and Antonio pull her off.

ROSALIE

What the hell’s the matter with you? You’re making a spectacle of yourself!

ANTONIO

And you’re ruining his suit! Whaddaya gotta crawl in the coffin for?

ANNA

Because life is shit! If Pa gets to check out, then I’m goin’ with him! Besides, I’m gonna miss the no-neck bastard.

ANTONIO

Don’ make fun of his neck! He hated that!

ROSALIE

Now you’re gonna miss him, Anna? Where you been? You saw him in the hospital one time! One time! I lived there! Where were you when his bed pan needed changing? Huh? And where were you....

(pointing at Antonio)

...when he rolled over on his IV and blood spurted all over the place? Where were either of you when he pulled the catheter out of his...thing!

ANTONIO

(clutching his groin)

Never mind! You told us about that catheter enough!

ANNA

Don’t start with me, Rosalie! I loved this man as much as you! Just because you got no life don’ mean you can get down on me!

ROSALIE

Whaddaya mean, I got no life?

ANNA

Wha, you had a date lately?

ROSALIE

Oh, like you’re gonna find a man crazy enough to lie on top of you?

ANTONIO

TRASH MOUTH!!

ANNA

I got a man! I got Brian.

ROSALIE

Yeah, yeah. Brian. That ain’t no man. The day you moved in with that Americano you broke Pa’s heart!

ANNA

How do you know that? You don’t know what Pa was thinkin’!

ROSALIE

Well, why buy the cow...

ANTONIO

Rosalie, don’t pick on Brian! He and Anna are the only ones who ever come to see me play!

ROSALIE

And there you go. That proves he’s got a screw loose.

ANNA

You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got a man! The only man who ever went near you was Pa!

ROSALIE

(them’s fightin’ words)

That is not true! That is not true! What about Jimmy Cozanato?

ANTONIO

He don’t count! He’s a priest now!

ANNA

See? You scared him away from women!

ROSALIE

He had a calling!

ANNA

He’s a swish! He’s got earrings to match his robes!

ROSALIE

Disraciata!

Rosalie slaps Anna. They each make the sign of the cross. Then:

ROSALIE

Pa didn’t want me to marry him anyways.

ANNA

How do you know?

ROSALIE

He told me before he died. He told me lots of things. Things you’ll never know ‘cause you were too busy hanging around Starbucks drinking latte.

ANNA

Ha! The only reason you hung out with Pa so much in the end was so he’d put you back in his will!

ROSALIE

I was never written out of the will! You were!

ANTONIO

Sta ta zit! We all were, at one time or another. Pa changed that will so many times, he shoulda kept it on an Etch-a-Sketch.

A pause. Then, A MAN WEARING A YARMULKE walks in, and stares at Carlo’s corpse. Finally:

MAN IN YARMULKE

Where’s his neck?

ANNA

I think you want Maury Shapiro. He’s in the Horse and Chariot Room next door.

Rosalie heads for the doorway, while Antonio hands a flier to the man.

ANTONIO

Tomorrow night. Uncle Pete’s Pub. Be there.

ROSALIE

(yelling out the door)

Enzo, are you deaf? Change that sign!

MAN IN YARMULKE

(to Rosalie, pointing at the corpse)

Nice suit. Men’s Wearhouse?

ROSALIE

(shoving him out of the room)

Next door!

Rosalie returns and sits. Antonio studies Anna.

ANTONIO

Anna, you don’ look so good. You gotta eat more. Eat. They got a buffet out front.

ROSALIE

Who’s they? I put the tripe and the pasta fazoli out front!! And everything else! I decide who gets to eat.

ANNA

Oh, yeah? Nice job. The uncles are out there chowing like it’s the Last Supper. We gotta let them in here soon or they’re gonna eat all the braciole.

(panicking)

And I didn’t have any dinner!!

ROSALIE

Wait till Bennetto comes. What he doesn’t want, you can eat.

ANTONIO

Oh, of course. Mr. Wonderful gets to eat before everybody else. Mr. Fisherman. Mr. Leave Town Before The Shit Hits The Fan! You act like he’s royalty.

ANNA

Sure, now that Pa’s dead, she’s takin’ over for him. Everybody knows Pa loved Benny the best.

ROSALIE

(taking another swipe at Anna)

What’s the matter with you? You think Pa didn’t love you? After all that money he spent?

ANTONIO

Rosalie, don’t start.

ROSALIE

Voice lessons, drama, posture class, for what? To turn you into an opera singer. And how do you pay him back? Opening night, the diva pukes on the baritone.

ANNA

I had stage fright!

ROSALIE

You let Pa down with that stomach of yours!

ANTONIO

Shows how much you know, Rosalie. You’re not one of the musicians in this family. Anna will sing again! Pa wanted her to, and she will!

ROSALIE

Oh, yeah? How’s she gonna sing Lassu in Cielo when she can’t keep her food down?

Anna starts to heave. She grabs a boat-shaped floral arrangement to throw up in. Antonio grabs her.

ANTONIO

Anna, no....

ROSALIE

Ta lia, you see what I mean!

Rosalie suddenly notices that Anna is about to heave into the boat-shaped flowers. She grabs them out of Anna’s hands.

ROSALIE

Don’t throw up in that! Benny’s tuna boat sent that!

ANTONIO

(sitting Anna down with another flower basket)

Would you stop, Rosalie? Mingia, if Benny wasn’t your brother, you’d marry the guy!

ROSALIE

A tu sei un disgracio! Now you listen to me. We never see Bennetto. He’s always fishing. Why? Because he’s earning a living. ‘Stead of bein’ a sponge.

ANTONIO

Wait a minute. Are you callin’ me a sponge? You’re callin’ me a sponge?

ROSALIE

I’m just sayin’, do something useful with all that time off, Tony. I mean, I didn’t exactly see you rushing to St. Joe’s to clean Pa’s bedpan.

ANTONIO

Yeah? Well, Bennetto didn’t clean Pa’s bedpan either! What about that?

ROSALIE

He was fishing!!

ANTONIO

He’s avoiding you! He doesn’t wanna be around to take your crap! Things get tough and he’s outta here. That bastard takes right after Ma.

Anna slaps Antonio.

ANNA

Don’t mention that whore in front of Pa!!

Antonio makes the sign of cross, kissing his hand and laying it on Carlo’s shoulder.

ANTONIO

Sorry, Pa.

The music swells. The three siblings begin mouthing the words.

ANNA

Pa’s favorite.

ANTONIO

Who made the reel?

ROSALIE

(exploding)

I made the reel! The non-musician in the family!

BENNETTO, the oldest brother, enters quietly. He stands in doorway, looking toward the coffin with disdain. Rosalie spots him first. She’s on him like a wet T-shirt.

ROSALIE

Bennetto! You’re here! Did you catch a lot of fish? You must be hungry. Have something to eat.

Bennetto pushes Rosalie off of him.

BENNETTO

(crossing to coffin)

I will, Rose, I will. But first, I gotta see Pa, an’ nothing’s gonna stop me.

ANNA

Bennetto! You look good.

BENNETTO

(stopping, smiling)

Really? Thanks, Anna.

Bennetto continues to cross to the coffin. Antonio intercepts him, slapping him on the back.

ANTONIO

Hey, bro. How’s it hangin’?

BENNETTO

Fine, Tony.

ANTONIO

(handing him a flier)

Can I talk to you?

BENNETTO

Tony, please, lemme go, will ya?

ANTONIO

Fine! Mr. Prodigal Son don’ have time for his brother!

BENNETTO

I wanna see Pa!

He makes it to coffin. Rosalie makes the others sit down.

ROSALIE

(whispering)

Sit, sit. Let Bennetto have some time alone with Pa.

ANTONIO

What for? You didn’t let me have time alone with Pa!

Anna gets up and looks out the doorway, toward the lobby.

ROSALIE

Sta ta zit! You coulda had time alone with Pa while he was alive. No. Instead you gotta play your guitar.

ANNA

(to herself)

Mingia, the squingili’s gettin’ cold...

ANTONIO

Oh. It’s okay for Bennetto to make a living, but I can’t support myself by playing my guitar?

ROSALIE

You’re darn right you can’t. It’s not a real job.

ANNA

(excited)

Aunt Mary brought