The Opposite is True: Discover Your Unexpected Enemies, Allies, & Purpose Through the Eyes of Counter-Intuitive Psychology

By Efren A Delgado

Underestimated & Ambitious? Don't apologize for imperfections (they're your catalyst for success!)

 

We humans have forever struggled with our imperfections. We're conditioned to hide them. We disguise them, and we spend our lives fighting to overcome them. Yet, our many flaws serve a greater purpose… if we're willing to see the truth. Our weaknesses can actually reveal great benefits, not only in how we view ourselves, but in defining our purpose.

Former FBI special agent and relentless student of psychology, Efren Delgado offers a unique perspective on human nature, encouraging you to harness your imperfections—your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, insecurities, and emotions—and transform them into your greatest strengths.

Told through captivating real-life stories—including from his extensive counterintelligence and counter-criminal FBI careers—engaging fables, and insightful research from psychology, science, and literature, Delgado unveils the hidden patterns of human behavior that govern our interactions with our work, the world around us, and the world within us—ourselves.

Embark on a journey to transform your life from stagnant to successful by understanding the true drives of human motivation. Embrace your flaws and uncover the life-changing benefits they can bring.

You'll learn how to:

• Master an advanced empathy mindset to skyrocket your productivity.
• Discover three rules for overcoming any fear.
• Change past traumas into power skills for real-world resilience.
• Expand your mental perspective with the profound power of gratitude, happiness, and humility.
• Recognize adversity as the catalyst for purpose, action, and success—and how to adapt your thinking to utilize it.

If you're seeking clarity, wisdom, and actionable insights to navigate life's challenges, The Opposite is True is your guide. Embrace the paradoxical and surprising truths of our existence, take refined action, and unlock your unrealized potential.

The Opposite is True unravels surprising and counterintuitive truths, propelling you toward genuine success. Discover the hidden virtue of imperfection and learn how to strive for excellence—not perfection.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ad Hoc Publishing
• Release date: Aug 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9798987715215

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Copyright © 2023 Efren Delgado

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Preface

Due to the sensitive missions of both the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s (FBI) National Security and Criminal Divisions, I am required to submit any written material intended for public release to the FBI for review. In order to fulfill that obligation, this manuscript was submitted to the FBI Prepublication Review Office, which had no objections to the publication of its content, as presented. However, the opinions expressed are mine and not those of the FBI.

Though I am bound by my former security clearances, I also remain personally motivated to uphold the FBI’s national security objective to preserve the infrastructure of the United States and the Criminal Division’s commission to uphold the United States Constitution which defends its free people against crime or tyranny. As U.S. citizens—the people—we are each responsible for ensuring that our unalienable human rights are never compromised, in contrast to the will of the enemy.

Table of Contents

Foreword

VOLUME 1: Foundations

Prelude

PILLAR I: OPENING DOORS

Chapter 1 Frogged

Chapter 2 Trauma: The Common Denominator

Chapter 3 Shoot For The Stars, Land On The Moon—Then Mars

Chapter 4 Acumen: Penetrating The Mind

Chapter 5 Understanding: Switch On The Insight

PILLAR II: GIFTS OF ADVERSITY

Chapter 6 The Seed Of Wisdom

Chapter 7 Mountains Present Options

Chapter 8 Juice Box (Better Than Coffee)

Chapter 9 Sharpen Your Dual-Edged Sword

Chapter 10 Father Abraham: Keeping Doors Open

PILLAR III: OIL AND WATER

Chapter 11 Emotion And Logic Do Not Mix

Chapter 12 Only Fear The Fear

Chapter 13 Tougher Than Silken Skin: Turtles, Negative Nancys, And Rhinos

VOLUME 2: Implementations

Bridge

PILLAR IV: PATTERN RECOGNITION

Chapter 14 Groupthink Is For Suckers (Usually)

Chapter 15 Society-Think (It Matters)

PART I Deathtrap

PART II Deathproof

Chapter 16 Power—The Natural Corruptor (Unless You Insert Humility)

PART I Rocks Roll Downhill

PART II Antigravity Insight

Chapter 17 Blue Pill Or Red Pill? (Ripen Your Comfort with Reality)

Chapter 18 Trust Your Gut (Especially When It’s Upset)

PART I Our Sixth Sense

PART II Moat Crossing

PART III Peel Your Eyes

PILLAR V: ONE SIMPLE NOTION

Chapter 19 Your Epithet: Virtuous, Wicked, Or Somewhere In Between

Chapter 20 Making Intelligence Intelligent (Knowledge Acquisition And Tactical Application)

PART I of iii Moody Skies

Chapter 21 Making Intelligence Intelligent

PART II OF III Cloaked Emperors

Chapter 22 Making Intelligence Intelligent

PART III OF III Illumination

Chapter 23 Parlay Your Purpose

Lasting Reflexions

Bibliography

Foreword

I’VE RESEARCHED, TAUGHT, AND BEEN fascinated by the diversity of human behavior all my life. Growing up in the rough streets of the Bronx in New York sparked my early interest in behavior and led me to an education in psychology, sociology, and anthropology. You might know me best for the controversial Stanford Prison Experiment (SPE) that my team and I conducted in 1971.

When I received a message from my wife that former FBI Special Agent Efren Delgado wanted to authenticate his interpretation of the SPE from my point of view in a chapter of his book, I was impressed by his pursuit of accuracy.

Efren sent me a copy of his manuscript so I could review the chapter that included my study, but he also invited me to examine the entire book for context if I wished. Right away, Efren’s straightforward yet empathetic choice of words in his short message intrigued me.

I made time to review the chapter and was immediately engaged by his in- depth and introspective look at behavior. His descriptive insights paint a vivid portrait for anyone interested in psychology to visualize psychology. Efren not only grasped my view of the SPE study—a demonstration of how social situations influence evil and power—but expounded its various components with his own ideas, further deciphering both the dark and benevolent elements of power itself.

Enthralled by what I read in Chapter 16, I was compelled to look at the rest of his manuscript. Although I initially expected a decent book with perhaps some interesting anecdotes about an exciting FBI career, I was amazed to instead find a brilliant analysis of the various facets of humanity. Efren harkens back to excerpts from classic literature, incorporates fun parables, and employs modern storytelling to illustrate his views with poignant precision.

This is not a how-to textbook. Nor is it a regurgitation of other works of psychology, philosophy, or the other humanities. To give him a really big compliment—The Opposite Is True is a work of art.

Efren’s elegant use of language makes abstract psychological concepts personally tangible for the reader. His vast range of ideas are layered and developed artistically as the book progresses, much like a builder would begin with a concrete foundation yet somehow conclude with reassuring optimism and inspiration.

This book, however, is not for the faint of heart.

Its level of intensity drowns you deeply in a stark crevasse of evil at one moment, then flings you back into the light with a poetic rescue of detailed rationale the next. The Opposite Is True will also serve your everyday interactions with others, and it exposes healthier methods to interact with yourself—a tool we often neglect. You’ll be taken aback by the salient patterns he’s observed that are often overlooked by most of us.

Efren’s open vulnerability expands beyond the academic world and invites you to participate in his gritty experiences. His depictions of other notable lives offer applicable demonstrations of how and why we should all live more deliberately. He does not hold anything back. And every theory he offers, including the opposite is true, is corroborated by his own visceral admissions and unexpected exchanges with deviants and their victims or by his use of history, allegory, and scientific principles to take you on a spiritual journey to motivating, yet practical, enlightenment.

The Opposite Is True, yes. But this is but one of many paradoxes he exposes throughout his text that will leave you reflecting on your past, digesting your now, and contemplating the gaping-wide door of your unique future.

—Philip Zimbardo, PhD

Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Stanford University

Palo Alto, CA ~ 2022

VOLUME 1

Foundations

Prelude

An arrow has one motion and the mind another. Even when pausing, even when weighing conclusions, the mind is moving forward toward its goal: to enter others’ minds and let them enter yours.

—MARCUS AURELIUS, Meditations¹

∞

YOU MIGHT BE AS MINTED as some of the clients I’ve protected in my recent life or as broken as some of the criminals I’ve investigated in my former life. Regardless, you continue to be called by your loftier ambitions, and those dreams are growing impatient with you.

You may sense that there is a greater resource you have not carefully considered that could enable you to maximize your dormant powers. The first step toward discovering this prosperity ingredient is an important one, and here’s a hint:

People want to be heard, and people want to be understood.

So whether you run a Fortune 500 company or are working in the mailroom contemplating your next move—if you find yourself searching for answers and are driven to winning—empathy is the underrated and vital asset to ignite your unrealized potential. You will discover counterintuitive paths to success in this untapped realm of information and specific methods to find them.

Empathy is not merely taking a moment to consider someone else’s feelings. Compassion has its role, but advanced, sophisticated, or focused empathy is a functional tool for opening hidden doors, raising neglected corner windows, and dusting off old albums that hold the complex mysteries of our past. It’s a mindset that, once confronted and put into practice, will catapult your productivity with vibrant knowledge. If you are human, you are mortal—you have flaws. And your imperfections host many benefits!

Genuinely understanding other people, their viewpoints, and your subtle (and not-so-subtle) differences will save you from unnecessary heartache, setbacks, and stress. We rely on teams to help get us to our destinations efficiently and effectively. It’s rare that we will do anything completely alone, in total solitude. However, privacy, stillness, and self-reflection are just as important as our interactions with others. True introspection that does not avoid your deep-seated insecurities—but rather confronts them—will strengthen your resolve and allow you to appreciate the vulnerabilities of others. Balancing both priorities is the point. They each hold the wisdom you will need to create broader success and to thrive beyond mediocrity.

Not knowing how to effectively utilize empathy as a tool is like choosing to fly a plane at night without the benefit of the instruments. Perhaps it is not quite as deadly, but a life not mindfully lived is just that—dead.

You don’t have to be a psychologist, philosopher, or intellectual to appreciate the value of this wisdom. It’s not magic or manipulation either, but rather insight into the human mind that provides delightful advantages. Wisdom offers opportunity for everybody! If you value practical information and a sharper edge to win, then developing your capacity for refined empathy is the path less followed that will get you there.

Buckle up and open your mind to this outlook. Winning takes courage, and you’ll find that conventional wisdom is an oxymoron. Most truths are paradoxical. Making yourself vulnerable, for example, will actually place you into a position of strength. So let’s begin understanding yourself and others to advance your success.

_________________

1 Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, trans. Gregory Hays (New York: The Modern Library, 2003), 8.60–61.

PILLAR I

Opening Doors

Chapter 1

Frogged

IWAS ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN the other second graders, and the book corners were starting to tear the fabric of my overstuffed backpack. I exited through the heavy metal doors, and an explosion of pain shot into both shoulders.

The simultaneous frogs—punches with the middle digits bent out like daggers—jolted my particularly childish frame. Both arms went immediately limp. My throat cramped, and my breath was shortened. I was at a breaking point, and this time I could not fight off the tears. When will this be over, and why was I hated so much?

I got it—I was weak, and they were strong. I was an easy target. Both big kids ran off trying to laugh, but their silent looks back at me interrupted their fading cackles. Both appeared to be frightened themselves. My weakened memories recall wondering if they were scared that they might have hurt me more than they intended, or—perhaps more likely—that they were worried about getting into trouble.

In my deep humility, a simple but resounding curiosity seed was planted.

Why would someone choose to be mean when they could simply be nice?

This basic child’s question was paramount. It was, and is, the foundation of discerning human behavior, specifically antisocial or criminal behavior. Why do bad people choose to do evil over good? Musing over this seed cultivated creative reflection in me, a root of inspiration, and a focused purpose, as the seeds planted throughout this book will do for you!

The root pattern that would later allow me to spot a villain from afar, regardless of distance, intimidation, or deceptive masks, was highlighted throughout my forensic psychology education, observable in my personal interactions, and corroborated throughout my time in The Bureau. The signs were not blatant, yet they were—and continue to be—easily recognizable when you understand what the signals represent. They share behavioral traits, perspectives, and actions that allow you to enter their minds—exposing their true intentions. Empathy is the active synonym for psychology.

While in the FBI, I was fortunate to have worked in cooperation with the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) for our mutual goal of preserving our national security. When I later joined the Criminal Division, I developed partnerships with various federal and local law enforcement agencies when our criminal investigative efforts aligned. And while I was working in both divisions toward their respective missions, another suspiciously curious enemy continued to expose itself in a similar pattern to the bad guys. Those were the Negative Nancys among our own ranks, friends, and families, which we will further explore in later chapters. I will help you recognize their patterns, which they cleverly disguise behind red herrings. (Your instincts are already suspicious of the Negatives in your own life.)

I began my second school year repeating second-grade—devastated, embarrassed, and cynical. Though passing, my grades and comprehension during the previous school year were subpar, and I was being held back to be with kids my own age at a different school. My teachers and parents thought it was for the best, which I interpreted as meaning I was stupid. But the seeds of humility that were planted and irrigated during the hurricane of those earlier months (a lifetime for a child) had already—unknowingly—begun to sprout.

In my private reflections, I vowed to watch over those who could not protect themselves. I prayed for the ability to defend my peers from hostile classmates, often using spontaneous humor, strategic confidence, and deliberate self- awareness. It worked.

Throughout my adult career, I not only defended victims and witnesses from the intimidation of their criminal tormentors, but I also intervened for colleagues from the aggressive Negative Nancys who were insulated within our offices, masquerading as patriots.

Understanding human behavior cannot easily be learned from a book. However, my behavioral science studies in graduate school, at the FBI Academy in Quantico, and while conducting various investigations in the field, ingrained in me a recurring template of principles. These concepts beat me over the head from multiple directions and afforded me endless examples that pointed to the same underlying answers to what makes people tick. In the chapters ahead, we will unveil the explanations behind all the distracting masks of the fearsome monsters or the enticing benevolence that surrounds us in our daily lives. The truth is often paradoxical—insight that any child would have difficulty grasping.

At the time that I was being bullied, my inner monologue was not only filled with self-doubt, heart cramps, and pessimism, but it was also burdened with redundant questions. The answers were distant—but they were already there.

The keys to unlocking that realization then were truly as beautiful and elegant as they are today. However, my innocent naïveté could not—or would not— grasp what was right in front of me. Every time I interacted with the good or the bad kids, the sweet or bullish teachers, or my own eclectic family, the answers were there—but I was blind to them. I was buried under my own pain, with no practical experience with wonderful logic. Pain has a nasty habit of blinding all of us to rational facts.

Although truth surrounded me, I was essentially a Petri dish of commotion, wanting joy in everything but being confronted daily by the existence of dark forces in our world. I was a little kid! What the hell did I know (or care) about ugliness? I could not see truth in the context of reality. My despair, brought on by the bigger kids, prevented me from understanding them. The fear would eventually subside, and clarity would take its place—clarity is always on the other side of understanding—which is the antithesis of fear.

The reality was, those big kids did not personally hate me. Nobody at that school actually hated me. My sensitivity told me differently, but my emotions skewed reality; they always do. I unknowingly had a target on me, because I was perceived as too small, overly kind, and generally weak. My two tormentors were motivated to bully a tiny mouse, precisely because I was not a threat. They needed to enjoy the temporary buoyancy of feeling tough and dominant.

Yes, these bigger and stronger kids had a compulsion to feel more powerful than they already were—like the instigators, naysayers, and detractors in your life. This insatiable appetite could never actually be satisfied by their shortsighted, desperate efforts. Taking the time to think back with empathy and ponder this childhood experience from my current grownup vantage point revealed a truth: those kids had their own urgency to not feel so damn vulnerable as I felt when I was their victim.

Without the advantage of finding these now adults and interviewing them directly, I am confident that something in their lives at the time—such as any sort of abuse, big or small—made them feel defenseless. Their underdeveloped coping skills for whatever wrongs they were exposed to led them to lashing out and bullying a mouse. (This is classic overcompensation that has many tells, if you look for them.) Having a buddy who shared the same weaknesses only exacerbated their unproductive and antisocial responses. (These are the dangerous dynamics of groupthink, a counterproductive and lazy thought disease.) Bullying scratched their itch—in their own defense—to not feel so small. These same distinct patterns exist around all of us today.

How I perceived these goblins as a young child was completely miscalculated, because I was incapable of true empathy, a deeper ability to put myself in another person’s shoes—particularly people different from me. That skill takes an unhindered, blunt appreciation for wanting to comprehend where others are coming from. Used by hostage negotiators to preserve life, intelligence officers to recruit a source, ER doctors to diagnose an intubated patient, or by mothers to see past a fragile child’s facade, advanced-level empathy can drastically change lives for the better. I’m about to show you how.

We must first take a hard look at ourselves in the context of our own backgrounds, biases, strengths, and weaknesses. Understanding viewpoints and contexts, the benefits of adversity, and the limitations of an egocentric bias, will place you in a new, empathy-fortified vehicle, with a full tank of rocket fuel ready for your launch.

Recognizing patterns as road maps to reality, truth, and potential will illuminate the signs and expose your path to a unique life’s purpose with one simple notion. You will discover that lucid concept throughout this book, and to make sure you do, I’ll bluntly lay it out in the pages ahead!

Chapter 2

Trauma: The Common Denominator

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

—GORDON ALLPORT²

∞

BULLETS IMPACT FLESH MUCH DIFFERENTLY when they are entrance versus exit wounds. Entrances display a reddish-brown ring where the blood rushed to escape the impact, tattooing the penetration like a crimson smoke cloud from a gentleman’s cigar. Exits are messier, with an explosion of extruding tissue and no abrasion ring.

Knife injuries vary characteristically as well. An incised wound heals much cleaner than a stab puncture. However, stabbings are deeper than they are long, so depending on the stabbing instrument, the wounds may be relatively less evident, but the damage far more severe. The vital organs are on the inside.

Blunt force trauma is generally the most noticeable. Blunt objects break the skin much easier when striking near bone—an impact against the head versus the gut, for example. Bullet wounds, however, can be missed during an autopsy, when the caliber is relatively small, the entry is concealed in a fat fold or under some hair or when the projectile lodges in an organ. This is why medical examiners—some of the most educated and experienced medical professionals—have a thorough system of examining a corpse from head to toe. They even look between the fingers and toes to ensure that they do not miss any important information.

A similar practice should be incorporated when assessing the more deeply concealed wounds of psychological trauma—and their incredibly potential benefits.

Continuum And Context

We all experience trauma, but what is traumatic to one person may be trivial to another. We will discuss perception in the next chapter, but let’s focus on two other foundational ideas: continuum and context. The idea that there is a broad range between extremes, but that most things fall closer to the middle—like a bell curve—is an important one.

Traumatic experiences are relevant. Few of us, if any, are able to avoid experiencing traumatic events, because even in a hypothetically perfect upbringing and overall life experience, the context concept plays its role. Within the context of a hypothetical, idealistic life without trauma, a nontraumatic event—like stubbing your toe—would then be traumatizing, because the barometer was set so low. What is normal in this utopian premise is rarely experiencing any discomfort. So a stubbed toe could become a life-altering event to that person, complete with nightmares! On the polar side of that continuum, for an individual raised in a war zone where clean water is a luxury and eating protein a rarity, a toe stub would not even blip their radar.

Where each person’s normal exists on the continuum dictates their unique context and, therefore, their hypersensitivity or apparent immunity to traumatic events. Most of us fall into the middle of that bell curve, but context is everything. And the past has a different context than the present.

Coping With Trauma

Awareness of where you and others fall on the trauma continuum is germane. Everyone’s personal sensitivity to trauma is indicative of two factors: their traumatic experiences and their level of coping skills. These concepts are not mutually exclusive, because their interaction depends on one another. In a case where someone has suffered greatly, they have likely either learned to manage their trauma in order to defend themselves from future danger, or they have collapsed under the immense strain and succumbed to poor coping habits to escape the pain. Someone’s innate constitution and overall outlook will determine their ability to cope. Again, most of us, conceptually at least, fall somewhere in the center of the bell curve—but not all of us.

‘God will look after us,’ my mother is whispering as we lie under a bed. She is holding [onto] my two brothers, two sisters, and me as we hide from a war being waged outside our hut. In the peaceful village we once knew, rockets blow apart houses with families inside, women are raped, and children are murdered. It is genocide and my people are its victims.

—EMMANUEL JAL, War Child ³

When the rest of the children were learning how to read and write, I was learning how to fight. My friend, Emmanuel Jal, is a South Sudanese former child soldier who authored his memoir in War Child. He explained to me that the severity of the trauma he endured as a child programmed him for self-destruction. Jal illustrated from his firsthand experiences, What makes trauma worse is its repetition. A super-traumatized person has 95 percent negative thoughts.

He referred to mental space and explained that there is little or no capacity for good thoughts. To make matters worse, their imagination and thoughts build on themselves through the emotional reactions they illicit. If a supertraumatized person is near capacity with negative thoughts, then their cycle of self-re-victimization will continue to spiral. They are abruptly constructing stronger dendritic highways in their brain, solidifying their self-destructive and traumatic thoughts.

Jal revealed that logical thinking is painful to someone who has suffered great trauma. I realize that this seems counterintuitive (most truths are counterintuitive), because emotions are the negative culprit, and it therefore seems reasonable to assume that logic would be a refuge. However, logic makes you think, and a highly traumatized person’s thinking has been hijacked by negatively charged survival thinking. Jal explains the super-traumatized mind: You are f—ked up. It’s like a virus, a mental genocide. Like a child, you have to re-learn everything!

If you ever met Jal, you’d encounter a relaxed, joyful, worldly, and confident gentleman. You would not have a clue that his journey of incomprehensible suffering began at the tender age of three. Exhaustion, dehydration, and stomach pains were his loyal childhood companions through endless barefoot marches across war-torn and wild terrain. Snakes hid in the bleeding grounds. Hippos in heavy water crossings clenched their jaws around some of the children; crocodiles fought over the leftovers trying to escape the shallows. I prayed to God to keep me safe, Jal wrote, but my head felt so heavy I could hardly lift it. Maybe God wanted me now.⁴

On another occasion, a greedy cloud of flies hovering over something lying in the grass caught Jal’s attention. Unblinking, he stared down to look closer. A boy next to him waved his hand through the buzzing haze, momentarily clearing the dark fog. It’s a hand—a child’s hand! the boy screamed.⁵ Many of Jal’s memories are vivid, unwelcome relics that his afflictions have etched into his mind. Trauma does not note its presence lightly—it engraves itself into the stone of our minds.

Though neck-deep in predatory waters for the smaller children of war, their survivor-buoyancy expanded from growing increasingly calloused. Jal wrote of the aftermath of yet another battle. I … didn’t want to open [my] mouth and let death slip slowly inside … All around us lay corpses, which the sun had warmed throughout the day. They were everywhere—bones, skeletons, and fresh bodies—and their rotten smell hung heavy in the air. This was the front of the front line, and even the vultures did not fly away in surprise when they saw us. Death was everything here while the living went unnoticed … I knew that not everyone hit by a bullet died. Maybe someone was lying close to me as the life ebbed out of them and I turned my back to walk farther into the forest.

Because hate fosters and festers more hate—which erodes your humanity— hate-inspired killing is more dangerous than ending a life for survival. Longevity is less personal. But when you’ve repeatedly gazed upon men who could burn villages, rape women, steal children, and destroy their own people, as Jal and others witnessed, how can hate not become a faithful resource, particularly for the malleable mind of a child? Jal wrote, The spear of hatred twisted inside me. Intoxicated and empowered by rage, he described how his body shook, breath choked, and heart hammered for vengeance.⁶

When a bullet whistled passed him, followed by an exploding grenade, two of his side’s soldiers were blown off their feet, and another was shot in the leg. Frantically scanning the edge of the trees, they heard "Allahu Akbar! exclaimed in the distance. They spread out, diving for cover and helping the injured, squinting toward the tree line, ready to return the assault. Jal and a fellow child soldier shot multiple rounds into the trees, searching for movement. Then his partner yelled, I’ve shot one!" He ran after him, and Jal and two other jenajesh (feral child soldiers) joined, desperate to unleash their wrath on another enemy. Jal’s voice was normally inquisitive and would get him into the same innocent trouble as any other young boy, but in this heated sprint, it was a cutting, deviant scream, directed solely at his enemy’s blood.

The boys found their target in the grass—his leg bleeding through his officer’s uniform. He attempted to fire at the war children, but his hand was injured, and he failed to grasp his only weapon. I could see fear in his eyes as he looked at us. The children shared each other’s rage. Jal picked up an old machete lying nearby, as did the other jenajesh closing in. "I looked at my hand—my black skin holding the machete … our blackness, made us this jallaba’s* enemy. In that moment I did not think of my God who had pitted us against each other. He was lost [to] me now."

Jal pressed through his recollection: "The Arab’s eyes were screaming at us now, begging us for mercy as he moaned and cried. I lifted my machete as the other boys raised theirs and smashed them into the jallaba. Blood spit warm onto my face."⁷

Resurrection

A lifetime later—safely away from the carnage of his youth—I asked Jal bluntly how he escaped his own mind when most others remain imprisoned by theirs. Jal explained the secret that transformed his life, and he gave me permission to share it with you. His loving, caring, Christian Mamma told him at a very young age to say nice things to yourself every day. She elaborated, every time someone says something bad to you, go to a corner and say 10 positive things to yourself.

I did this for thirty years, he confessed.

Somehow surviving the killings, starvation, dehydration, and abuse as a jenajesh, this seed of positivity remained preserved. It was protected and lying dormant within the remaining 5% of his mental space. However, through those early years, he had to prioritize surviving hell.

Jal is not only an author; he is also a successful international musician, who has shared a stage with A-list performers like Peter Gabriel and Ed Sheeran, and he helped celebrate former South African President Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday. He is an accomplished public speaker, dancer, and life coach, and Jal has developed a meditation app, My Life Is Art, tailored to guide people to retrain their thinking by tearing down their negative highways of trauma.

It was as though his mother’s advice to recite positive statements to himself kept his foot in the doorway, preventing him from being completely closed off from positivity during his tour through Hades. Also, as he previously explained how logic was painful for victims with severely traumatic pasts, the practical antidote he found was the arts.

For the severely traumatized mind, it is too painful to use reason or logic, because it requires too much already occupied mental space. Have you ever noticed how the arts—music, dancing, singing, acting, or anything else creative—draw those who are particularly sensitive to trauma? Jal explained that it’s because the arts are distracting; they permit severe-trauma victims to taste something positive for a change. His sophisticated, empathetic understanding of the super-traumatized allowed him to develop a functional system to help others manage and conquer their pain. He intimately understands that trauma survivors, generally or at least initially, rely on their instincts and emotions.

Art is to console those who are broken by life.

—UNKNOWN

Logical Baby Steps

Jal incorporated his unique empathy outlook into a system he developed: introducing those who suffer from inner turmoil to the magnetism of dancing and stories as a means for them to tap into positive emotions. This process slams another small foot in the positivity doorway, just long enough to allow some logical baby steps to toddle in. The microgoals of this process are to allow enough space for them to discover and implant constructive dreams and purpose. The only people who have a chance to influence the severely traumatized are those who have consistently offered positive support. By encouraging them to dream, they have earned their trust.

Jal described three steps he incorporates. In the first step, using the arts, he helps people plant a vision or dream into their traumatized mind to occupy some of their mental space. The second step is to guide them to find a purpose. The third step involves changing their inner environment, which is done by creating and repeating positive thoughts, as his mother urged him to do as a child.

The new dendrites of positive thoughts will pave fresh paths, then asphalt roads, then expansive highways, and so on and will eventually lead to a broad infrastructure of constructive thinking. The negative thoughts do not vanish but are rather discarded under the dirt. Once this mind system has gained some consistency in creating positive thoughts, then it will become curious to collect knowledge—a logical process. This proactive effort will reinforce the new network of positivity, and this constructive infrastructure gets fortified with each positive thought.

Neuroscientists compare REM sleep during the last stages of an infant’s prenatal development with a new internet provider installing fiber optics in a neighborhood. The new connections construct higher levels of brain functioning with its dendritic mortar. Similarly, Jal’s theory, or my explanation of it, is not mere conjecture but is rather supported by scientific discovery.⁸ It is a logical analogy, but also a researched reality in a process called synaptogenesis.

Our neuroplasticity allows us to rewire our brains through learning and experiencing stimulation.⁹ We can and should be proactive participants in this process by seeking and absorbing the positive!

Jal has personally witnessed his neurogenesis method work, but admits that it requires small, incremental steps.

Coming from a different continent, I was not sure if Jal knew the children’s story of The Three Little Pigs, and I didn’t ask him, but he asked me to imagine someone who built a house out of cement, another person who built one out of wood, and a third who built one out of straw. He then asked, Which one would take the most time to build?

I answered, The cement one.

Without offering the positive affirmation that my coddled, Western butt was antsy for, he continued with the scenario. If a tsunami came, which one would be wiped out the fastest?

I quickly responded, The straw house, pleased with myself. Another pregnant moment passed—without confirmation—and we both broke the silence laughing.

It’s evident that anything worthwhile takes time and effort in order to have substance and to be strong enough to endure most storms. That’s a universal principle most cultures recognize. Managing a troubled past requires the same due diligence, but it’s worth your labor so tranquility can be delivered.

I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent— no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.

—LUCIUS ANNAEUS SENECA, On Providence¹⁰

Sundry Terrain

The work required to overcome obstacles depends in large part on their magnitude. The level of trauma that encompasses life as a war survivor, or other traumas of similar caliber, is difficult for most of us to comprehend. Understanding Jal’s perspective on trauma is a huge leap toward advancing our ability to properly empathize. However, there remain other factors that play significant roles as well.

We all experience trauma. It’s a part of life that contributes to who we are and how we live. The good news is, we are not alone, and our thoughts are, frankly, not unique either. The severity of our issues varies with their coinciding wounds, but our emotions are relatable—if we make the effort.

You can expect to be haunted by pain, regret, fear, and what psychoanalyst and neurosis-connoisseur Karen Horney referred to as the tyranny of the shoulds. Horney herself suffered from a crusty, overbearing, sea captain father whom she and her siblings nicknamed the Bible-thrower because he would literally throw Bibles at them! With little option, she fell back on an attachment toward the matriarch, though her mother was depressed, irritable, and domineering. Horney also endured bouts of depression and an ironic dependence on male affection throughout her life,¹¹ yet she became a staple in the advancement of practical, nonpolitical feminism and neo-Freudian psychoanalysis. She disagreed specifically with Freud’s phallic emphasis in psychology.

Instead, Horney’s biographer, Bernard J. Paris, pointed out that her latter focus on neurosis [made] a major contribution to psychological thought— particularly the study of personality—that deserves to be more widely known and applied.¹² Horney pragmatically explained the difference between two conceptions of our own self—the real self, and our ideal self.

She reasoned that a relatively healthy individual would utilize their ideal self as a motivational aim to visualize and pursue their potential. But a neurotic individual would set an idealistic and unrealistic standard of perfection that could never be practically achieved and, thereby, would self-destructively devolve into self-hate for their inevitable and unending failure.

It’s like subconsciously justifying a plan to never succeed because something, or someone, taught you that you were not worthy of greatness—and you accepted it. Thus, they sabotage with an impractical attitude of perfection or nothing. Horney called this the neurotic’s futile search for glory. She herself also overcame many personal as well as societal barriers and remains an icon in the complex and specialized field of psychoanalysis.

As Karen Horney and Emmanuel Jal have demonstrated, you can achieve in spite of your adversity by analyzing your circumstances and utilizing them for insight. Do not let trauma or a neurotic shoulda-woulda-coulda thought process hinder you. Fear is normal, but we can avoid living in its clutches. Life without risk or disappointment has no gain. (We’ll expand on overcoming fear later.) Accept the reality of whatever degree of trauma you have had—or are currently experiencing—and try to appreciate the wisdom it has to offer. You may have to search for it, but I promise you—it is there.

We are here to convert our traumas into strengths, by proactively, consciously, and tactically applying our drive to every incremental step toward proficiency.

If a child soldier with the odds stacked and compounded against him can prosper, you may recognize that you can too.

Shields

Our ability to protect ourselves against trauma is incredible. We all have the built-in capacity to deny trauma’s existence and, in extreme cases, a seemingly supernatural defense mechanism to avoid experiencing it all together. Some notso-healthy coping alternatives fall under the umbrellas of distraction and self-deception, such as using alcohol or drugs to alter consciousness, or relying on food to feel control and literally taste some level of pleasure, or by jumping in and out of superficial relationships to avoid the pain of looking inward.

These limited examples of unhealthy self-medications all aim to avoid feeling, recalling, or reliving trauma. And most of these distractions are pleasurable, so we get good at them! Thus, bad habits feed themselves, while damaging productivity.

On the other side of the spectrum, those who experience either healthy doses of trauma (yes, that is a relative term) or develop the coping skills necessary to manage distress are educated and strengthened by their experiences. Their profound coping methods arm them with the flexibility they need to face various obstacles, as winners do. The more intense the trauma, the more difficult it is to overcome—but the greater the training. However, trauma intensity is relative to the individual’s perspective as well as their unique constitution.

People who’ve achieved notable success have most certainly learned to cope with various forms of hardship. Their determination and ability to overcome what appear to be insurmountable challenges not only impress us all but produce real results. Success is forged in the crucible of adversity! Examples of such lives best demonstrate the potential benefits of trauma and other principles you will find covered in the following chapters.

_________________

2 Gordon W. Allport, preface to Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl (Boston: Beacon Press, 1959), 9.

3 Emmanuel Jal, War Child: A Child Soldier’s Story (New York: St. Martin’s, 2009), 2.

4 Jal, War Child, 47.

5 Jal, War Child, 50.

6 Jal, 156.

7 Jal, 157.

*A derogatory term for someone, referencing a loose hooded cloak traditionally worn by Arabs in North Africa.

8 Matthew Walker, Why We Sleep (New York: Scribner, 2017).

9 Neuroplasticity: The Potential for Lifelong Brain Development, SharpBrains, accessed October 27, 2022, https://sharpbrains.com/resources/1-brain-fitness-fundamentals/neuroplasticity-the-potential-for-lifelong-brain-development.

10 Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On Providence, 4.3.

11 Bernard J. Paris, Karen Horney (New Haven: Yale University, 1994), 141.

12 Paris, xvi.

Chapter 3

Shoot For The Stars, Land On The Moon—Then Mars

Starting a company, I advise people to have a high pain tolerance.

—ELON MUSK¹³

∞

REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT you personally like the man, you cannot deny Elon Musk’s stellar accomplishments as a serial entrepreneur, innovator, thinker, and risk-taker. His life vividly instructs as it illustrates his ability to overcome adversity and apply it toward productivity. This is the reason I have primarily dedicated this chapter to the star man.

Bull’s-Eye

Elon was hospitalized and could not return to school for a week after he was severely beaten by bullies in his early high school days. He was sitting at the top of some concrete stairs with his little brother, Kimbal, at Bryanston High School in Johannesburg, South Africa, when a hooligan crept behind him, kicked him in the head, and threw him down the stairs. When he tumbled to the bottom, a group of boys continued the attack, kicking his sides while the lead bully bashed Elon’s head against the ground. Elon recalled, They were a bunch of f—king psychos! I blacked out.

Kimbal remembered fearing for Elon’s life. He hurried to the bottom of the stairs and found Elon’s swollen face covered in blood. He looked like someone who had just been in the boxing ring.

The relentless assaults by the bullies continued for years and included beating up one of Elon’s closest friends until the child agreed to stop hanging out with him. His biographer, Ashlee Vance, described Elon’s eyes welling up and his voice quivering as he described the bullies’ ultimate assault involving his friend. They got him—they got my best f—king friend—to lure me out of hiding, so they could beat me up. And that f—king hurt. He continued, For some reason, they decided that I was it, and they were going to go after me nonstop. That’s what made growing up difficult. For a number of years, there was no respite. You get chased around by gangs at school who tried to beat the shit out of me, and then I’d come home, and it would just be awful there as well. It was just like nonstop horrible.¹⁴

Elon’s mother, Maye Musk, described young Elon as a curious, energetic child who picked things up quickly. She realized one of his many talents at age five or six as an ability to block out the world and dedicate all of his concentration to a single task. He would drift off into a trance-like state and not hear people speak to him. He goes into his brain, and then you just see he’s in another world.¹⁵

Although Elon had the gift of hyperfocus, concentration is a skill that can be learned, developed, and refined. Once the productivity benefits of focus are recognized, they can be prioritized and practiced with discipline. Elon’s innate gift likely made him stand out to the other children as different—a trigger for fear.

Humans fear what they do not understand, which can easily become a catalyst for violence. So any indicator of potential genius freaks out the simple minded, exposing the weird and talented to unknown dangers through no fault of their own. Similarly, children fear many things, like the dark. Because people hate their fears, they tend to attack them as an ironic form of defense, particularly when they appear to be easy targets—the root of bully psychology. (We will dive deeper into this dynamic in Chapter 10, Only Fear the Fear.)

Naturally, the other small children did not respond well to Elon’s trances and were often cruel. This foreshadowed the awkwardness with his peers at school but also prognosticated his superhuman productivity as an adult.

Callouses

Compassion is an aspect of empathy. Its presence signals an interest, concern, and instinct to understand others. Winners share the trait of placing value in other peoples’ perspectives, cooperation, and quality of life. Although his pragmatic stoicism has kept Elon highly streamlined, his compassionate nature was recognizable early on as well. At eight years old, Elon’s parents divorced, and the children lived with his mother in Durban, South Africa. After a couple years, Elon thought it was unfair that none of the kids lived with his father, Errol, so he decided to make the change so his father would not be lonely. Later Kimbal also joined them at his father’s home.

Objectively accepting others’ limitations and insecurities, their defensive attacks, and comfortable apathy—while maintaining a reality-rich attitude— spares you aggravation. Acceptance holds value. When biographer Vance asked about Elon’s father, he avoided answering with any depth. It would be certainly accurate to say that I did not have a good childhood. Elon made the effort to reflect, "He can take any situation, no matter how good it is, and make it bad.

He’s not a happy man. I don’t know … f—k … I don’t know how someone becomes like he is. It would just cause too much trouble to tell you any more."¹⁶

Our guardians’, peers’, and teachers’ failures, betrayals, and weaknesses cut us deeply, particularly as children when we falsely presume they are all knowing. If we allow our wounds to heal through objective learning (a reality-based perspective), the scars will strengthen us. When we deny truth, we repeatedly expose ourselves to the same hazards and suffer the same results of disappointment and injury. Learning from hostility, trials, and pain are opportunities for healthy growth.

Elon and Kimbal took several train rides between Pretoria and Johannesburg, during the violent times of the 1980s. The 35-mile train trips stood out to Kimbal as formative experiences for both him and Elon. "South Africa was not a happy-go-lucky place, and that has an impact on you. We saw some really rough stuff. It was part of an atypical upbringing—just this insane set of experiences that changes how you view risk. You don’t grow up thinking getting a job is the hard part. That’s not interesting enough."¹⁷ Elon, in particular, was becoming desensitized to what most Westerners might perceive as major affliction, as he developed a thick skin for trauma and adversity.

His rough upbringing provided Elon a what-the-hell-else-could-happen-to me sort of freedom to pursue his ambitions unabated. And his fortified scars, backbone, and perspective also developed his independence. Nature pushes us to leave the nest, which requires three pesky prerequisites: free will, risk, and action.

Because of Elon’s tech savvy and entrepreneurial mindset, South Africa felt limiting to him, so he spontaneously moved to Canada in 1989, assuming that his great-uncle lived in Montreal. He didn’t. Eventually—a bus ride and hitchhike later—he found a second cousin he could stay with. However, Canada was merely a stepping-stone for him on his way to reach what Elon thought was a true land of opportunity, Silicon Valley in California.

Risk, Discomfort, And Reward

Elon took risks and has never shied away from work. Work is an accessible vehicle for proactively experiencing the benefits of hardship without risking personal setbacks. Difficulties and obstacles are intertwined with labor, but they do not have to cut deep to be effective allies. Any grind offers us the cumulative gift of grit.

He described to biographer Vance how, while wearing a hazmat suit, he shoveled sand and goop from a tightly enclosed, steaming-hot tunnel at a lumber mill for 18 Canadian dollars an hour at age 18. Elon said, If you stay in there for more than 30 minutes, you get too hot and die.¹⁸ His knack for withstanding arduous work conditions and adapting to discomfort seemed to energize his aspirations as he grew increasingly confident in his abilities. Growing from our challenges is a choice toward productivity.

After dabbling in education, he convinced his brother, Kimbal, to share a tiny apartment in Palo Alto. It doubled as their office, where they developed Zip2, an online searchable business directory. Sacrificing free time and comfort for the potential behind an idea was a conscious investment in their future. They paid for their dream with 23-hour workdays—missing the latest television crazes, social mixers, and video game all-nighters. They sold Zip2 to Compaq Computer for $307 million in 1998.¹⁹ Not bad for a couple of mostly self-taught software engineers who survived on Jack in the Box and showered at the local YMCA.

Elon’s convictions and imaginative ambitions continued to plow through unimaginable obstacles as he clasped each of his jaw-dropping accomplishments. And it was—and is—his grit that afforded him his exceptional resilience.

Mortality Is A Bitch

Utilizing the kinetic energy of progress can help snowball your momentum. However, a large, deeply rooted pine tree will inevitably stand in your way, obstructing your approach. These are the times to take a step back and reason in stillness (humility), objectively embrace your circumstances (reality), and seek the wisest path forward (strategy).

Inspired by the success of Zip2, Elon developed another idea, a person-to-person online bank, which he named X.com, that incorporated someone’s email address. The payment system was revolutionary for the time, and the following year, he joined forces with a competitor, Confinity, for their auction- style capabilities. The merger came with cultural squabbling, design glitches, and many losing faith in Elon’s leadership: in Shakespearean fashion reminiscent of Julius Caesar, a group of X.com employees conspired to overthrow Elon.

Nine months after his honeymoonless marriage to his first wife, Justine Wilson, Elon and his bride had finally attempted a business-and-pleasure honeymoon trip to Australia. By the time they landed, Elon had been replaced by the former CEO of Confinity, Peter Thiel. Zip2 and X.com engineer Branden Spikes recalled, It was backhanded and cowardly. Soon after, Thiel rebranded X.com—as PayPal.²⁰

Perhaps many of us would have lost faith in humanity, thrown a temper tantrum, or resigned to an It was a good run while it lasted attitude and coasted on the abundance that remained in our pockets. No one would have judged Elon for a well-earned, double-success early retirement with the sale of Zip2 and the development of X.com/PayPal under his belt. However, this is where benefiting from a broad outlook beyond yourself (sophisticated empathy), a distant view aligned with long-term aspirations (perspective), and the tough armor we’ve built from our past traumas (strength) are put to the test.

These strategies embody more fruit when we are humbled. They afford us the ability to remain calm, think through storms, and recover better off than we previously assumed was possible. Emotional reactions are human and expected; the trick, however, is not to wallow in the disappointment, adversity, or betrayal— but rather to apply the negative to enhance the positive, your worthy goals! (We’ll expand on how to do this in Chapter 7—Mountains Present Options.)

Elon’s maturity continued to mystify those monitoring his every move. He embraced his new role as PayPal adviser, supported the new CEO, and continued investing—being PayPal’s largest shareholder. Elon’s counsel significantly contributed to brokering a staggering deal with eBay. By July 2002, eBay offered $1.5 billion to acquire PayPal. The board agreed. Elon earned approximately $180 million after taxes, all during an era of the bursting dot com bubble.²¹

He plainly rejected society’s endorsed college-job-paycheck dogma. Rather, he opened the doors of possibility, forging his own trail and accepting the risks along the way. He also began to display the traits of a courageously lived life, as can be best abridged by the words of Robert Frost in his poem The Road Not Taken.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

Elon took that honeymoon with Justine in late December 2000, visiting Brazil and South Africa, where he contracted falciparum malaria and wrestled with it for 10 days in intensive care. He recovered six months later and 45 pounds lighter. Justine highlighted, He has a level of stamina and an ability to deal with levels of stress that I’ve never seen in anyone else.²²

You and I have shared the hindsight insight, that intensity and vigor come from overcoming the wounds of our past. We can grow from our stressed muscles, as Elon and science have proven. Another factor we have yet to discuss that allowed Elon his ability to persist is one simple notion, which we will unravel in Pillar V, One Simple Notion. Elon alluded to this factor when he commented on his tropical-honeymoon ordeal to biographer Vance, That’s my lesson for taking a vacation: vacations will kill you.²³

That one simple notion empowers us to face our limitations, conquer our fears, and to surpass complacency with the immeasurable fuel source of our imaginations. In 2002, Elon founded aerospace manufacturing and space-transport company SpaceX. SpaceX not only aspired to transport supplies and satellites