My Priest, My Husband

By Deede Kress

Last night Alaina agreed when Fr. Ryan said they were an exception to the law of celibacy. But this morning she admitted she was a mere woman involved in a forbidden love affair but Ryan was no mere lover. Unwilling to give him up, how could she compete against God?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wings ePress, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9781597054935

Book preview

One

Struggling to keep his eyes from wandering to the second pew in the left aisle, Father Ryan Rockford intoned the opening prayer of Wednesday’s Mass. Last night, their relationship had moved to a level of commitment that both admitted had grown into love beyond rules. For six months, they had promised each other that their love would be ardent and pure, spiritual and nonsexual. But last night, sitting on her white couch with their fingers entwined, their eyes exploring each other’s soul, their lips spoke in unison, We were created to be one.

Breathless at hearing their mutual belief, their fingers trembled as they undressed each other while stumbling into the bedroom. When they fell together into the velvety blue comforter, he remembered her azure eyes promising she would be fulfilled with him. Passion blended them into such sustained harmony and enjoyment of each other they were unwilling to sleep.

After reaching a point of exhaustion, they had held each other in silence, interrupted only when he fondled and kissed her warm breasts and she rewarded him with her delighted sighs and captivating smile. In the excitement they talked about their extraordinary union and they were convinced of their call to a unique place in God’s plan, a secret one to be sure, but blessed as no one else had ever been.

Icy cold dread seeped into his soul. What if she doubted their shared conviction? Could it be possible that she had any regrets? When he left at 4 a.m., they had agreed they were an exception to everyone else’s rules. Their love had to remain a secret for no one else could understand their exceptional connection. They sealed their decision with a prolonged kiss as they proclaimed their union a mystical marriage approved by the Divine Lover.

Sitting as the lector announced the first reading, Father Ryan, his head bowed, pressed his spine against the back of his wooden chair. Oh, Alaina, my love, where are you? I need you. Everything else must go on as usual except now our love will feed us, sustain us, nourish us. I will not be able to go on without you.

After completing the reading, the lector returned to her pew. The congregation of 30 faithful worshipers squirmed, waiting for Father Ryan to rise from his place and approach the pulpit. Joe, who always sat in the front pew center aisle, cleared his throat, hoping to wake his treasured friend. Mrs. Murray, shaking her white head with concern for this priest she loved like a son, dropped a hymnal, making a loud apology for the noise.

Father Ryan opened his eyes. He smiled and shook his head with the confidence of a leader who basks in the trust of his flock. He stood and strode to the pulpit.

I apologize for drifting away. His wide smile melted the nervousness he read in their faces, and before he could announce the Gospel, he heard That’s okay, Father, from Joe, and Father, you need to get more sleep, from Mrs. Murray. He noticed nods and grins directed towards him and he bowed to his admirers with gratitude.

Suddenly he felt a desire to sing an Alleluia before proclaiming the Gospel. He sang with an ecstasy noted and approved by everyone present, and he was elated when they responded with an enthusiasm never before expressed during a weekday morning service. Father Ryan’s mood soared as he noticed Alaina in the back pew.

He proceeded with the Mass while he delighted in the bliss bubbling inside. Communion time would allow him a brief glance into her absorbing eyes. Praying The Lord’s Prayer with his arms lifted in praise, he confirmed his belief in God’s special exemption for their love.

As he placed the Communion wafer in each pair of outstretched hands, Father Ryan savored the new appreciation he felt for his ministry. He observed the wrinkled hands of Mary, the trembling hands of Helen, the sturdy hands of Joe. He looked into the clear brown eyes of Ellen, the weary gray eyes of Bill. He experienced in each a reflection of the holy; his heart was bursting with a new joy. The last one in line stood in front of him; his hand quivered as he gave her the host. Alaina had not come forward. He could not refrain from glancing towards the empty back pew. He squashed the stabbing anguish churning within him.

Two

Running out of the church, Alaina Dugan wiped her eyes and hugged her chest, trying to relieve the rupture shattering her heart. An hour after Ryan left, she admitted to herself that she had been in denial ever since she first saw Father Ryan, and she crumbled with guilt—a guilt throbbing with an ecstasy she had never known.

When Alaina was fifteen years old, her mother had fallen in love with her father’s best friend and they had moved to a new life in Georgia. Alaina watched her father wither away for two years, hoping her mother would return. Alaina never understood why he would take her back. When his secretary seemed interested in him, Alaina pushed him for three years to marry her, blaming God and the church for his refusal to consider it. After graduation, she left. Then came her father’s cancer diagnosis three years ago and all her criticisms vanished into devotion to his care.

Her job as a web designer allowed her to work from home so she moved from Greenville to be with him. She had grown up in Alliance, a small town where her dad had made a haven of peace for them after her mother left, and now she was searching for peace again. Her dad told her that Alliance meant union or bond, and she was grateful that theirs had never been broken.

To please her father, she returned to the church and found herself spellbound during her first Mass after all those years. The priest celebrating the Mass, she learned from her dad, was Father Ryan Rockford who had come to Holy Trinity parish a year earlier as its youngest pastor. She was mesmerized by the way his intense brown eyes drew her into the sacred. She had often smiled with envy when he brushed the black wavy locks from his forehead while she twirled her shoulder length, honey-brown tresses with a hint of an end-curl, but only when she took the time to use the curling iron.

After her father died a year later, she kept her promise to him to continue going to Mass. Sometimes she wondered if she did it because she was crushed and feeling so lost without him, or if it was the guilty attraction she felt for Father Ryan. One day, eight months ago, she remained in church after Mass one Sunday, wanting some time alone. After greeting his parishioners, Father Ryan came back into church and saw her kneeling with her head nestled into her arms resting on the pew.

Alaina was aware of someone sliding in beside her. Father Ryan touched her hand. Electrifying tingles stinging her with pleasure convinced Alaina her father had sent her a personal message to begin living again. When Father Ryan asked her if she needed to talk, she broke down in sobs. He folded her into his arms and held her until she relaxed into an unfamiliar and addicting peace. She asked if she could talk with him someday and was pleased when he suggested the next evening. After the second visit, they began to see each other twice a week. A month later, they confessed their love for each other, pledging to keep it holy and chaste. And with that promise, they began to read the Song of Songs to each other, sharing their insights into the ideal love, their exalted spiritual union. They agreed that it would be their Song and memorized most of the verses.

Last night when they spoke their desire in unison, she remembered catching her breath for only a moment. The surge bursting inside her wiped away all doubts and confusion. She recalled the allure of his eyes and the exquisite rapture as she recognized words from their Song. ‘Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved. Your lips are like a scarlet strand, your mouth is lovely. Your breasts are like twin fawns, the young of a gazelle. Your lips drip honey.’

Her abandon was total and she surrendered to his vigorous desires with her entire soul and body. When they looked into each other’s eyes again, it was her turn. She drew his face to her cheek and whispered in his ear: My lover put his hand through the opening; my heart trembled within me, and I grew faint when he spoke. I rose to open to my lover, with my hands dripping myrrh. She knew she had pleased him as they delighted each other again.

While they rested in each other’s arms, she was swaddled in tranquility and stillness. When he left and she heard the door closing, she yearned for him again. An hour later, guilt slammed into her and she screamed out in bewilderment and torment. Yet she was driven to see him. Arriving just as he sang the Alleluia, she was mystified by his exhilaration. So grim was her desolation, she was trapped in her pew at Communion time. As she stared at the last person in line, her feeling of isolation shoved her out to the street.

The bright August sun made her squint and she wiped away the warm tears seeping out of her eyes. Her conflicting emotions confused her—a ripple of hope that Ryan was right about their love swirled in crushing guilt—she stood still for a moment looking down the street leading her back home. If she went there, surely he would follow as soon as he could. Across the street was the church cemetery. Her dad was buried there. Didn’t you send him to me, Daddy? Are you upset with me, Daddy? What am I to do now?

It had seemed so simple last night. Their love was so singular they would live in a heaven designed by them for them. But the morning dawn had forced her to surrender her pretense—they were not an exception to the rules. She was a mere woman involved in a forbidden love affair, but Ryan was no mere lover. She knew she could not give him up, but how could she compete against God? She glanced again at the cemetery, its entrance lined with fuchsia crape myrtles. She took a step into the crosswalk. Halfway across the street, she turned back and ran for home.

Out of breath when she arrived, she dashed through her patio pulling the key from her purse. Inside, she leaned against the smooth wooden door and slowly slid to the floor. Placing her hand over her heart, she tried in vain to calm its impatient throbbing. Her eyes gazed at her couch as she relived the moment that had exalted her last night. Muffling today’s torment, she pulled herself upright and staggered to her bedroom. She flopped on her back and fumbled for the Bible on her nightstand. She opened it and read, Let my lover come to his garden and eat its choice fruits. Her left hand began unbuttoning her blouse. Weariness crept over her. Oh Ryan, come to me. Oh God, forgive me. I have sinned. The Bible slid out of her hands onto the sheet, and she slipped into the comforting guilt-numbing reprieve of sleep.

Three

Father Ryan hoped that no one noticed his quickened pace down the aisle after Mass. He invited his people outside this morning rather than remaining in the narthex. We should enjoy God’s gift of sunshine this morning, don’t you agree?

I vote for doing it every morning! Liked that Alleluia this morning, Father, said Helen. Mary nodded her agreement.

Thank you, Ryan said, his eyes taking a quick scan down the sidewalk as he pulled his outer vestment over his head. He saw a figure turning right at the end of the block, past the coffee shop. Alaina’s home was the second one on that cul-de-sac.

How about a cup of coffee, Father? Joe said.

Oh, that’s a good idea, Joe. But maybe not today.

Father, you go ahead. I think it would be good for you, said Mrs. Murray. Give me that vestment, and you go on with Joe.

It will get me nearer to Alaina’s. Well, just a quick one today, Joe. He greeted the remaining parishioners encircled around him and began walking with Joe.

Was Alaina Dugan here this morning, Father?

Why do you ask?

Her pew was empty.

You don’t miss a thing, do you? Actually, I did see her come in late and she stayed in the back, but she must have left early. He hoped his voice seemed as nonchalant as his words as he wondered what else Joe had noticed.

She seems like a wonderful young woman. I admired how devoted she was to her father. I confess, Father, if I were twenty years younger, I’d be tempted. She reminds me of my dear Peg who took care of both her parents and mine, and still had enough love for me and our three boys. She wore herself out loving us all, and I still miss her every day.

How long has it been, Joe?

Six years next month. My only regret is that we didn’t marry sooner. I made her wait until I got a promotion. Now I realize I wasted two years.

Why did you do that?

Can you believe I was so proud that I wouldn’t ask her until I had enough money to buy a diamond ring? All she ever wanted was me, and lucky man that I was, she waited.

Joe opened the door of the coffee shop and motioned Father inside. Father Ryan’s eyes moved quickly around the tables. Though his heart told him she would not be there, he could not squelch the craving to see her. His hunger for Alaina was a pulsating ache creeping into every cell of his body. The smell of coffee nauseated him.

As he heard Joe ordering two large decafs, he pulled out his wallet. He pointed Joe to a table, paid the girl behind the counter and swallowed his queasiness. Seated in his chair, he breathed a sigh of relief and placed his fingers around his cup. When he lifted it, he gasped as his hand began shaking. Coffee spilled over his wrist onto the table.

Joe grabbed a bunch of tan paper napkins. Father, what’s wrong?

Nothing, nothing, really. I’m just feeling a bit dizzy.

Maybe coffee wasn’t such a good idea. I think you need something to eat.

No, I’m fine.

Look, Father, I consider you a friend, a real friend. But I’m old enough to be your dad, so this time you’re going to listen to me. You need to eat something. Joe dashed back to the counter for two sesame seed bagels, toasted and buttered.

Oh, Alaina, I am starving, but it’s for you. Only you can fill me. Please don’t deny me. With a nod of thanks, he forced a smile when Joe placed the bagel in front of him. He took his first bite, chewed it well, swallowed and sipped his coffee. As that bite made its way down his throat it tasted like soggy gravel. With a determination goaded by desire, he ate until only the crumbs and a few sesame seeds were left. The good fortune of friendship allowed the time to pass without conversation.

I bet you feel better now, right, Father?

With another obligatory smile, Father Ryan nodded. Yes, thank you, Joe.

Joe looked at his watch, then at Father Ryan. Oh no, I forgot! I have a ten-thirty appointment with my doctor. I have to go back to the church for my car.

Father Ryan gave his friend another smile, this time sincere. It’s okay, Joe. I’m fine. Let’s go.

Outside, Ryan stared at Cedar Court. Alaina’s place was only two houses away. Joe, you go on for your car. I’m going to take my time walking back.

Sure you’re okay?

I’m perfect. Get going. Your appointment is just routine, right?

Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow, Father.

Glad that Joe could manage a healthy sprint to his car, Ryan stood in front of the donut shop until he could wave Joe on his way. He inhaled a slow deep breath and turned toward Cedar Court. He lifted his eyes to the blue-gray sky and noticed a huge dark cloud. The crape myrtles along the sidewalk were the same color as the ones at the cemetery. As he walked past the wooded area on the left, he noticed that in front of the first house, empty until last week, was a moving van. A tall man about 30 years old with straight blond hair, built like a quarterback, was directing the movers carrying an entertainment center. The man’s attention was riveted on that piece of furniture. Ryan continued walking. Alaina’s house was next.

He touched one huge red hibiscus bloom hovering over the pink phlox and slipped inside her walled-in patio. One large red tomato begged to be picked; several smaller ones would soon be ready to be consumed. The gold puffy marigolds nodded their heads. Suddenly a shower broke over him. He lifted his arms in delicious delight and threw back his head, letting the rain wash over him, whispering her name.

When he tapped on her door, he smiled as it gave way to his pounding heart. He called her name, listening for her response. Tiptoeing through the silence past the couch, he went into her bedroom. There he stood soaking wet in quiet veneration at the foot of her bed and, choosing the exact words he wanted from their song, he whispered, I have come to my garden, my sister, my bride.

Alaina opened her eyes. I was sleeping, but my heart kept vigil. I heard my lover knocking. She smiled and raised both arms to him. He flung his wet shirt to the floor and fell beside her. She twisted his wet locks around her fingers and kissed the raindrops on his eyelids. Puffs of guilt burst around her but she pulled him closer as her dry body welcomed his moist muscles engulfing her. Thunder and lightning provided the perfect background in their private paradise. Passion smothered her guilt and she succumbed to their intoxication with each other.

She giggled when he said with a kiss on her forehead, Arise my beloved, my beautiful one. The rains are over and gone.

Have you memorized the entire Song?

Just about. Isn’t it amazing how it absolutely describes us? He rolled onto his back and cuddled her beside him.

You really believe that, she said, as flashes of her morning remorse darkened the now sunny room.

I do. Didn’t you notice how ecstatic I was this morning? That was our love energizing me.

Can we really be exempt from the rules? How can you be so convinced? What will happen if we are discovered?

He leaned over her and gazed into her eyes as their lips begged to be joined. When they released each other, he stroked her hair and ran his finger over her lips. We are exempt because I believe, and you must also believe. Yes, we have to be careful and our love must be secret, but that’s because no one else understands such a sacred love as ours. Do you trust me?

She strangled the warning that tugged at her heart as she willingly let herself drown in his tender fondling. She realized she could not deny him anything. Yes, my love, without reserve. She wet her lips preparing for his final kiss. Will you come back tonight?

I have a parish council meeting at eight; as you know it will be ten by the time we adjourn. If no one hangs around to talk afterwards, I’ll be here by ten-thirty, but wait for me until eleven if you can. His grin told her he knew he would not be disappointed, even if he did not arrive until midnight.

She smiled at his self-assurance, admitting its absolute truth.

By the way, do you know your new neighbor?

I have a new neighbor?

The moving van was there when I arrived. The trees lining her property did not allow them to see anything except the outline of his house. I hope he’s as unobserving as he was when I walked by this morning. Your neighbors on the other side are never around during the day, and their lights are always dimmed or out when I get here at night.

They’re a young couple, so busy working their way up the ladder they could care less who comes and goes. And the people next to them are retired, and they go to Florida often. Are you worried?

Just being protective of us. His cell phone rang. I’ll go to see her right now. He gave her a fleeting kiss on the cheek as he reached for his clothes. That was my secretary. The hospice called. Margaret Jordan is dying. I have to go and anoint her.

You do love what you do and who you are.

I could not live otherwise. He fastened his belt, and kissed her again. And I could not live without you.

Alaina trembled as she watched him leave. She glanced at her bedside clock and was surprised to see that it was past lunchtime. With satisfaction as deep as hers, she had no desire for food. I better get to work. My project has to be completed by the end of the week. She slid out of bed and picked up her clothes. Before turning on her computer, she walked through her patio to the sidewalk. Her new neighbor was sitting on his porch. The quickening beat of her heart frightened her.

Four

Alaina stirred awake from her dream and rolled over to look at her clock. She squinted twice, not believing the lighted dial showing 11:25. She buried her head in her pillow and soon soaked it in a torrent of tears. The ache goring her soul denied guilt any chance of resurfacing. Ryan, Ryan, she sobbed, twisting the blue sheet around her naked body until she dropped off to sleep.

When she felt his kiss, she jolted upright and burst into tears. Enfolding her in his arms, he said, I’m so sorry, my love. I expected the meeting to be over by ten, but it kept going until past eleven. Then Joe wanted to go for a late snack and a beer, and I didn’t know how to say no without having to lie.

I don’t know if I can do this, Ryan. I don’t know if I can share you with the church. I love you too much.

We’ll figure this out, Alaina. I want to be with you, too. He tugged on the sheet.

She clutched it to her breast. But you’re divided between the church and me.

Not so; I love you both totally. If you want me to choose, I will choose you. He unbuttoned his shirt and pressed her to his chest.

No, Ryan, I couldn’t do that to you.

Can I just love you now? He pressed his warm lips against hers. She released the sheet and fell back onto her still damp pillow. Soon her heart was pounding in ecstasy and she persuaded herself he had enough love to be priest for God and lover for her.

Exhausted yet refreshed, their eyes danced for each other. Her heart throbbed as his fingers brushed away the wet wisps of hair from her forehead. Do you want me to stay until morning?

Of course, but we both know you can’t.

I want to wake up beside you.

It hurts to even think that can never be.

But it can if you come to my bed.

Alaina bolted upright. Ryan, are you crazy?

He pulled her into a cuddle. Listen. He kissed her ear. If you take a walk through the cemetery, it circles around to my back yard. No one lives near me. No one would see you come through the back door.

Ryan, I don’t know what to say.

Promise me you’ll think about it.

I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. But what would happen in the morning?

You mean, after I bring you breakfast?

She laughed. Ryan, be serious.

I am serious. You would get dressed, go back to the cemetery, then come across the street to Mass.

Her heart thumping, she gulped for air. To wake up with you—it would be like we were married.

We are married, remember? Didn’t we say that last night? My spiritual, mystical bride, we have become one.

Alaina rolled onto her side facing him and their lips fused until they both moaned for air.

As a lily among thorns, so is my beloved among women.

As an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my lover among men.

Again, God’s words seal our union. He nuzzled his head in her hair and gave her a peck on the cheek And, so I’ll see you at Mass tomorrow morning, in your regular pew. We’re blessed beyond all others, so we must praise God together. And tomorrow night you’ll come to me.

Yes, yes. We’ll be together always.

He slid out of bed. Let me tuck you in for the rest of the night.

You’re spoiling me but I love it, she laughed.

He bent over for his trousers. By the way, I noticed your neighbor was still up when I came. I could see him walking by the kitchen window.

I caught a glimpse of him this afternoon. He scares me.

What makes you say that?

Just womanly intuition, I guess.

Well, another reason you’ll be safer in my bed. He winked, sat down on the edge of the bed facing her, lifted her head with one arm and fluffed her pillow with the other. With their lips together again, he laid her head back down, tucking the blanket around her breasts.

He walked backward out of the room as he savored her glistening eyes. He turned out the light and walked to the front door. He closed it behind him and slipped through the patio, grabbing a tomato as he stepped into the night. He was shocked to see the neighbor sitting on his porch.

Five

Alaina ran her