Code Silence: Surviving Casa by the Sea

By Allie Burton

Growing up in Alpine, Utah, was strange, especially for Allie. Everyone was expected to live life a certain way: the Mormon Way. Mormons believe 'families are forever,' which sounds sweet… until you read the fine print. The terms and conditions of "families are forever" are living their way, no questions asked. Allie did not want to disappoint her parents, but she was suffocated by their way of life and wanted nothing to do with religion. Her parents were unbearable and controlling, and she couldn't come up for air. So, she did what any smothered, angry teenager would do - she rebelled and acted out by going to parties, spending time with boys, and skipping school.
As her parents pulled tighter on the reins, she pushed back harder. One day, she found herself in another country, hundreds of miles away from home, with no way to communicate with the outside world. Sent away by her own parents, she was trapped and imprisoned alongside over one hundred other teenage girls. In this powerful, heart-wrenching memoir, Allie breaks Code Silence and takes you through her journey in a teen's behavior modification school. Follow the grueling psychological, spiritual, and physical abuse she suffered and how she learned to cultivate friendships and to survive Casa by the Sea.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 26, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350906189

Book preview

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For all of the survivors of teen behavior modification programs.

Code Silence: Surviving Casa by the Sea

©Allie Burton

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Print ISBN 979-8-35090-617-2

eBook ISBN 979-8-35090-618-9

Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1: The Party

Chapter 2: The Drive

Chapter 3: Level One

Chapter 4: Rules and Levels

Chapter 5: Day Two

Chapter 6: Day Three

Chapter 7: Day Four

Chapter 8: Level Two

Chapter 9: Twenty-One Days

Chapter 10: First Letters

Chapter 11: The Cassette Tape

Chapter 12: Seminars

Chapter 13: Discovery Day One

Chapter 14: Christmas Day

Chapter 15: Focus Day One

Chapter 16: Family Splits Up

Chapter 17: First Vote-up Form

Chapter 18: Cassette Tape Again

Chapter 19: Second Vote-up For Level 3

Chapter 20: Level Three

Chapter 21: Accountability

Chapter 22: First Phone Call

Chapter 23: Code Silence

Chapter 24: Surprise Vote-up

Chapter 25: Easter

Chapter 26: First On Shift

Chapter 27: PC1 Parent Child 1

Chapter 28: Keys to Success

Chapter 29: Room Restriction

Chapter 30: 6 Months

Chapter 31: Staffing Accountability

Chapter 32: Communities

Chapter 33: Second Off Grounds

Chapter 34: My Birthday

Chapter 35: Level 5 Vote-up

Chapter 36: PC2 Parent Child 2

Chapter 37: First Buddy

Chapter 38: Back to the BS

Chapter 39: Baseball

Chapter 40: Someone from Home

Chapter 41: First Home Pass

Chapter 42: Back to Casa

Chapter 43: Goodbyes, Letters and Torches

Chapter 44: Moving Forward

Chapter 45: Student Council

Chapter 46: Second Home Pass

Chapter 47: Last Return to Casa

Chapter 48: Level 6

Chapter 49: PC3 The Last Seminar

Chapter 50: Going Home

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Prologue

Church in Utah is more than just a religion: it’s life.

I grew up in Alpine, Utah, with my parents and five siblings. Alpine is a beautiful place nestled in the mountains. It’s a small town, not so small where everyone knew you or what you were up to, but close to that. We lived in a nice home close to the mountains, where we could ride our four-wheeler straight to the mountains trails.

A lot of people are Mormon in Utah, but Alpine was another bubble of its own. It was rarer for someone to not be Mormon in Alpine. There were different levels of strictness and devotion to the religion. My parents were on the strict side and very devout. Out of all my friends, I was always the one with more rules and an earlier curfew. At some point I realized I didn’t get it. I didn’t believe it. It wasn’t something we talked about. I lived under my parents’ roof and had to abide by their beliefs and rules. I didn’t mean to rebel against them at first, I just wasn’t on the same page. I never felt understood.

I was trapped in this bubble. My entire family was Mormon and my neighbors were Mormon. I had no one to turn to but friends that felt the same way. With them I could at least talk freely, form my own opinions and figure out who I was without all the added pressure of religion. Why did I need to worry so much about my afterlife and God?

Chapter 1

The Party

I called my mom on the landline to tell her that I was at my friend’s house. I hung up the phone not thinking much of my lie and got back to the party. Everything was going great. I was hanging out with my best friend Amelia and Joel and other juniors and seniors even though I was only a sophomore.

Then Bo came into the room and my heart started to race.

Hey Joel, I said as I ran my fingers through my friend’s brown curly hair.

Stop it, he said playfully. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a tight squeeze.

What’s up with you? Why are you being so weird and quiet? He asked with his big sweet smile. I grabbed a Bud Light, cracked the can open and took a long drink while I stared at Bo.

Oooh, I see. Bo is here!

Don’t you dare say anything! I said glaring at him.

What are you gonna do about it? he teased.

I rolled my eyes at him but I knew he wouldn’t say anything, at least not while I was around.

Where is she going? Joel elbowed me.

I looked up and saw Amelia headed to another room.

I don’t know, but don’t leave me, I joked.

I started chugging my beer; maybe some liquid courage would help calm my nerves. A bunch of people gathered around and started doing vodka shots. Joel grabbed my hand and pulled me next to him and Bo handed me a shot. I tried not to smile too big, just being near him was exciting.

Cheers! We hit each others glasses and took the shot.

I spilled some of my vodka down my face and quickly chased the burn of the liquor with my beer. I wiped my face on the sleeve of my sweater.

The music started up and everyone started dancing. I saw Joel go outside with Bo so I headed straight through the dance floor to them. I walked into the freezing air with my hacky sack hoping to hang with them. Joel pulled his little glass-blown pipe out his pocket, it was blue with yellow and green that swirled into a spiral where the bowl of the pipe was. Joel started packing some weed into it.

He looked up at me and smiled. Want some?

Yes please.

Bo was sitting on a lawn chair smoking a cigarette. He asked if I wanted a drag. My heart fluttered and I could feel my chest getting hot and red.

Sure, I replied and took the cigarette. He snatched the hack out of my hands and stood up and started kicking it. I took a drag of his cigarette and handed it back, just as he kicked it to me. We went back and forth for a few minutes until Joel asked who wanted to green the freshly backed bowl.

Allie! He looked at me and handed me the pipe. Joel was a sweet guy. I dated him once only for a month or so but we were better at being friends than boyfriend girlfriend.

I took the pipe and lighter, put the flame to the weed and inhaled. The smoke filled my lungs and as I blew out, I handed it to Bo. Seeing his smile light up his face was intoxicating.

Joel started making a snow ball and looking at me suspiciously.

Joel, don’t you dare throw that at me, I said and laughed as I pointed my frozen finger at him.

He threw it at me and I dodged it.

You little shit, I said laughing.

I hit the pipe one more time and asked the boys if they needed another drink. They both shook their beers. Yeah.

We went back in and Nirvana’s Teen Spirit played. Everyone started dancing and someone turned it up. It felt as though time was moving slower and slower. I could feel every beat, every note in the song, like I was really hearing it for the first time. I felt so calm and free.

Just as the song was ending, the doorbell rang. I knew something was wrong.

Allie, where are you? Was someone calling my name? Everyone started looking at me; I started walking towards the front door. I pushed my hands into my eyes trying to wake myself. This wasn’t happening . . . this wasn’t happening. I saw my best friend standing next to my parents with her head down.

My parents looked at me with disappointment and anger; I was screwed. Everyone at the party stared and froze—but for only a moment.

The party is over and the cops have been called! announced my dad.

Was this really happening to me? Everything moved in slow motion, my parents yelling at me, and everyone in a panic grabbing their stuff to get out. My mom and dad grabbed Amelia and me and pulled us out to the car. Amelia got in the back seat, my parents were taking her home. I looked at her and knew that I couldn’t get in the car. She glanced up at me and I mouthed to her I’m sorry.

Then I turned and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I think my parents yelled at me but I didn’t even look back or hear what they said. I just ran and ran and ran. I ran from Highland City heading east. I ran until I was out of breath. It was still daylight, but not for long, and it was November. It was cold in Utah, probably around thirty-five degrees with the sun out.

What the hell am I going to do? I said out loud. I couldn’t go to any of my close friends’ houses. Their parents would call my parents the second I showed up. So I kept heading east; I had a few older friends that lived five or six miles away in Cedar Hills. I ran so hard my lungs burned from breathing in icy air. I cut through a park that took me behind my high school. I walked across the fields where I played soccer. Everything was covered in snow and was sparkling from the setting sun. It was beautiful; I stopped and caught my breath. The top layer was perfect snowflake crystals. I glanced back to make sure I wasn’t being followed. The lights above the soccer field turned on and made me scream out loud. I needed to find friends fast. I kept running towards the mountains and closer to Cedar Hills.

The first two houses I stopped at, neither of my friend’s cars were there. I was scared to see my friends; my parents had just broken up a party. And now I was a run away. I felt so embarrassed and lost and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was starting to get really cold. My hands and feet were frozen and my chest hurt from running so hard. I started to cry out of panic and worry. I didn’t know what I was doing.

I’m such an embarrassment! Everyone is going to hate me now! I yelled. I just had to find a pay phone and turn myself in. But then I found the last house I was looking for.

I saw a bunch of cars that I recognized from the party. I was terrified to knock, but I was getting cold so I had no other choice. I walked up to the door trying to look in the frosted window but I couldn’t see anyone. I could hear voices and music. I raised my frozen hand.

It hovered over the doorbell.

Push it, I told myself. Push it.

It took me a minute to find the courage. I immediately felt stupid for showing up and turned to walk away.

Allie?! they yelled.

Hi… I can go, I said, looking down at my fidgeting hands.

They immediately rushed me inside and asked what happened.

I told them that I ran away and that I couldn’t go home. Everyone was freaking out, yelling and cheering.

How the hell did you find us? Are you okay? You look frozen! Get in here, asked Krissy. I really didn’t know how I found them, but I was grateful. Krissy handed me a beer.

Drink up, you crazy bitch!

Cheers. Then the party kept on going like nothing had happened. Krissy walked me over to the fireplace. We sat down in front of it. The heat from the flames felt so good. I closed my eyes as the heat started to warm my body up. I set my beer down and put my feet and hands right in front of the fire. A soft warm blanket wrapped over my shoulders and around me. I opened my eyes thinking it was Krissy, but there was Joel. I gasped and started to laugh.

I thought you were Krissy.

Are you feeling better? he asked.

So much better now, I snuggled the blanket tighter around myself. He sat on the floor next to me with curious eyes.

So what the hell happened? I thought your parents took you and Amelia from the party?

I was trying so hard not to have the biggest grin on my face.

Yeah, they almost took me. I was about to get into the car behind Amelia and I couldn’t do it. In a split second I was running away from them, I had to just go. I felt it in my entire body to run.

I looked up at Joel and Krissy’s wide eyes.

I feel terrible I bailed on Amelia, but I had to get out of there; I didn’t want to go home. My eyes started to tear up. I feel so dumb and embarrassed that my parents broke up the party. I’m so sorry, and I can’t believe you guys even let me in.

Krissy grabbed my hand.

Allie, it will be fine, and now you are hard core for running away from your parents.

We all started to laugh.

Joel stood up. Who needs another drink?

We both shook our heads yes. Krissy was staring at Joel as he walked away with a big smile on her face.

He has a cute butt, I said and pushed on her leg.

Yes, he does, and a hot face and lips.

Ooh have you kissed him? I teased back.

I don’t kiss and tell, she looked at me and stuck her tongue out making a French kissing motion. This made me roll on the floor in laughter.

What’s so funny? asked Joel, who had returned with three beers and three shots.

Krissy farted, I said.

No, I didn’t. She punched me in the arm and went pink in her cheeks. I roared with laughter and tackled her and we wrestled for a few minutes before collapsing on the floor.

Well at least I’m warm again.

Here this will help! He handed me a shot and beer. Fireball, cinnamon whiskey.

That should do the trick, I said.

Ready… one, two, three! We all clinked our shot glasses and drank the Fireball and chased it with a cold Bud Light.

That wasn’t too bad, smoother than vodka. The warmth of the Fireball went down my throat and into my chest and arms. The warmth of the whisky continued throughout my entire body. I could feel it move through my body and warm me up.

We stayed up until 2 am, Drew’s parents were out of town, so we all crashed there. The next day we all got up and drove to get breakfast burritos. Most of the group decided to go up in the mountains and go camping. I was fine with it, I had to hide out, I was a run away.

Joel had to leave so I stuck with the other kids from the party. We went and got some supplies to go camping and a few of the girls grabbed some extra camping gear from their houses for me. I didn’t have that much money on me. I felt like a burden but I had no other choice. I tried to call a couple of my friends from a pay phone. But it was hard to find them on their land lines. I hung up twice scared that their parents would answer. Then the pay phone rang and I was too afraid to answer, thinking it was parents or the cops.

We went up American Fork Canyon, and hiked up to our favorite spot. It was high enough that you couldn’t see the fire from the road. My older friends called it Tank, like a secret nickname. It was a good hour or so hike up to it. But it was in this amazing grove of trees, our hidden mountain hideaway. I was happy to be in mountains and to be free even it was only for this moment. I hoped the night wouldn’t be so frigid. There was snow here and there on the path.

Hey Jason, do you know where you are going?

Yeah, I’ve hiked this trail so many times, even in the dark.

We walked up a small hill and peered into a perfect little opening where there was a fire pit and logs around it. It was protected from most of the snow with the tall thick trees covering this area. I was happy to see that I didn’t have to sleep on snow.

We were all getting settled in when Bo and Joel showed up.

Hey guys!

Last time I had seen Bo my parents were dragging me away from the party. I didn’t know if I should run away and hide, or be excited.

Allie Ballie!! Joel yelled.

I felt my cheeks go red from embarrassment.

How in the hell are you still there?! I thought you would be home by now, he said.

Me too, I smiled and ran up to him and he gave me a big bear hug. Bo smiled at me and I smiled back. They set down their sleeping bags and bundles of wood.

Let’s get a fire going, Joel said. Allie, want to help me gather some starter sticks?

We headed into the forest, looking for dry wood.

How did your parents find the party? he asked.

I have no idea. The only thing I can think of was they have caller ID and then looked up the name and came and found me.

That’s some real Sherlock Holmes shit.

We both started laughing. I know. It’s pretty messed up. I’m just happy I found you guys last night, I couldn’t go to Amelia, Alice, Laia or Andi’s house.

Yeah, your parents are pissed and I heard they have the cops looking for you.

That doesn’t surprise me. I know they think I’m so hard core, but I’m really not. I just want to be with my friends and chill out.

We both looked at each other and started laughing.

I feel bad making them worry, but I was so angry I didn’t want to go home. I’m so sick of all the Mormon religious bullshit and their suffocating rules!

Yeah, the Mormon shit is so annoying.

Like they don’t even care what I want to believe or feel. I can’t handle it anymore.

I’m sorry, Al. I’m sure this will all blow over.

I wish that was true, but my parents will punish me to the fullest once I’m home.

We walked back to our campsite with a bunch of smaller sticks. We tossed them next to the fire pit and Joel began making the fire.

I grabbed some sticks while Joel was holding up his wood teepee.

Here Joel. I handed him some smaller sticks then some logs. He crumbled some brown leaves and I ripped pieces of cardboard from the beer box. We had our small lighters and started lighting the cardboard and leaves. We got our fire up and going.

That feels so good, I said to Joel while I reached my hands over the fire. Joel kept building it up while I enjoyed the heat.

I started to warm up by the fire and I pulled a blanket over my shoulders. It was calm on the mountain. The stillness of the trees and the darkness surrounded us and no one would find us up here. We would hear them coming before they got up here.

We stayed up drinking and smoking trying to keep warm. We all had sleeping bags and blankets. No one had a tent. I don’t know why we thought winter camping was a good idea. I was lying near the fire trying to keep warm. Everyone else was starting to settle down and snuggle up with someone. Joel was really great at keeping the fire going. He was chatting with me while he added a few logs to it and I saw Bo walk over.

Hey Allie, is anyone laying by you? he asked.

No, I said shyly.

Is it cool if I lay by you?

Yeah! I said.

I scooted my sleeping bag up where there was more space. Bo had a sleeping bag too and laid it by mine.

How are you holding up as a runaway? He asked with teasing tone.

It’s stressful. I don’t want to go home. But the longer I wait the more trouble I’ll be in. So, I guess I am just living in the moment for now.

I don’t blame you for running. I would’ve been pissed too if my parents showed up and called the cops at a party.

Yeah, It’s so embarrassing.

It will be OK, he said sweetly.

Everyone had settled down and was getting inside their sleeping bags. I stood up to warm myself one last time at the fire. Bo walked up to the fire and did the same.

It’s cold up here he said.

It’s getting colder than I thought it would, but it is November in Utah.

Shall we combine our sleeping bags so we don’t freeze to death?

Yeah, that’s probably a good idea, I said trying to keep my cool and not faint right there. I looked at him and gave him a little smirk and he smiled back. We zipped our sleeping bags together and got inside. I couldn’t believe he was snuggling me. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but everyone was so close by. I was starting to feel warmer and could feel my toes again. I tried to stay awake but I drifted off, waking every now and then to the rustling of someone coming back from peeing. I needed to pee but I was not getting up, it was way too cold out there.

The sun poked through the trees just enough to hit my face and warm up my cheeks. I exhaled and saw my breath in the cold air. I managed to stay warm all night snuggled up to Bo. He started moving and I froze.

Are you awake? he whispered in my ear.

His warm breath on my neck sent a chill down my spine. I wanted to turn and kiss him.

Yeah, I said in a whisper back.

Did you stay warm?

Yes, did you?

Yeah, slept okay too.

Thanks for keeping me warm all night, I said and immediately wanted to shove those words back in my mouth.

You’re welcome

He unzipped the sleeping bag so we could get out.

A rush of cold air hit my body. I shivered and sat up, then put my legs outside to put my shoes on. I slipped on my first shoe and my warm toes started to curl up like they were trying to get away from the cold shoe. I was ready to get off this mountain.

We all packed up, smoked some weed, ate some granola bars and headed down the mountain. Joel came up next to me.

How was last night? He poked me in my sides.

Good.

What happened?

Nothing. We just snuggled all night. You could see us. We were like five feet away from you.

I know, but a lot can happen in a sleeping bag.

Sorry Joel, nothing happened, you dirty dog. We both laughed and he put his arm around me.

Can I hang with you for a little bit?

Hell yes, Allie Ballie.

We got back to the cars and everyone hugged and said goodbye.

Bo waved at me and I waved back.

Well at least that happened out of all of this madness. Even if nothing happens with him it was a good night, I said to Joel once we were alone in his car.

We headed down the mountain listening to music. He put on Pink Floyd Wish you were here. It was so perfect. In this moment everything was okay. I was where I was supposed to be.

Joel and I started singing at the exact same time.

As soon as the song ended, we both laughed and high fived.

I love you, Joel, I said.

I love you too, Al.

Whoa. Did you see that?

I looked up to see two cop cars pass us headed up the canyon. I sunk down in the front seat, I was so freaked out.

Were they headed up there to look for me? Panic started to set in. I had been so distracted by all of these amazing moments I totally forgot what was happening in the real world. I ran away and my parents were pissed off and looking for me.

Joel grabbed my hand. It’s going to be okay.

No, it’s not. I’m totally fucked.

I’ll still see you at school even if you are grounded forever.

I hate you forever. I laughed and this made him laugh too.

We went and grabbed some food and went to Joel’s friend’s house. I didn’t know the people very well. They said I could stay there until I figured out what to do next. Joel stayed with me for a few hours and we all chatted, drank beer, played hacky sack and smoked pot.

Even if I didn’t feel like talking I could just kick around the hacky sack and laugh and feel present with everyone. Joel had to head home and it was starting to get dark.

I said bye to Joel and turned and walked inside the house.

Hey Jack, can I use your phone? I asked.

Yeah. Its over there on the counter. He pointed towards the kitchen.

I picked up the phone trying to decide who to call.

I hung up the phone without dialing a number and started gathering all my things.

What are you doing? asked Penny.

Penny, can you give me a ride? I have a few bucks I can give you for gas. I said searching my bag for it.

Save your dollars. I’ll take you. Where to?

My friend Laia lives in Highland, it’s not too far from here. Over in the Alpine Country Club.

Oh yeah, I know where that is.

We got in her dark blue sedan that looked new. Penny was a grade older than me and we’d hung out a few times before, but always with a group of people.

How’s it going? she asked.

I’m just still so pissed and I don’t want to talk to my parents yet. They freak out and don’t listen to me. I felt the tears filling up in my eyes, but the anger kept them at bay.

I know these Mormon parents can be super intense and they assume the worst of every situation.

I stared out the window trying not to let tears fall down my face. I didn’t want to cry in front her. She turned up the music and I stared at all of the houses we passed.

The houses stared to blur, the seatbelt was heavy on my shoulder. I was in trouble. But why shouldn’t I be able to hang out with my friends? I felt like a prisoner at home. I wanted out. I wanted space and somewhere I could make my own decisions. Without judgement or ridicule. Now they would never let me go anywhere or do anything. Never to be trusted or set free again. A tear slowly ran down my right cheek, I rubbed it on my shoulder trying to act casual so it didn’t look like I was crying.

Here? She pointed at the sign that read Alpine Country Club.

Yeah. I sniffled and pulled my hoodie on tighter. First right and the second house on the left.

She pulled in and I told her to turn off her lights and drop me off at the house next to Laia’s. I was worried someone was waiting and watching.

Thanks so much. I waved to Penny as I opened the door and hopped out.

You’re welcome, babe, good luck! She said as she took off.

I tip-toed into Laia’s front yard towards her bedroom window, looking around nervously and trying to stay hidden. I knocked twice quietly. I sat there for what felt like forever and then knocked a little louder. I heard someone walking over and unlocking the window. I crouched down to hide just in case it was her dad. I saw long black hair drop and someone whisper, Hello?

Andi! It’s me Allie, I whispered

Allie! She gasped, trying not yell.

Laia was right behind. Allie’s here?

They both grabbed me and pulled me into the house and we all hugged, it was great to be with them.

Holy shit, are you okay? What have you been doing? Laia asked.

Staying low with some of our older friends. I couldn’t come here right away.

Yeah, all of our parents know, Andi said.

I saw Laia’s dad walk by. That couldn’t be good.

I don’t think I should stay here long, you guys, I said.

You’re fine here, no one’s going to find you, Laia said.

My anxiety started to ease. I didn’t want to leave. I walked across her room to her attached bathroom and looked in the mirror. My face looked dirty from camping. I grabbed her towel and got it wet and wiped the dirt off. I filled them in on what I had done the last few days. I was feeling better now that I got to talk to them and tell them what had happened.

What the hell—you and Bo? Andi shoved me over and started teasing me. I laughed and pushed her back.

Nothing happened, but it was pretty exciting.

In the middle of our laughing and reminiscing the doorbell rang. I fucking froze. My blood drained from my face.

Is it my parents? I whispered. I felt like I was having a flash back; maybe if I didn’t move then this would all go away. Laia walked out of the room to check out what was going on. I heard some talking and some arguing. I was freaking out, I was a rat stuck in a cage. I had nowhere to escape. Laia walked back into the room and didn’t look happy. I just stared at her waiting for her to say something.

There’s a cop here to take you, she said.

What? Are you serious? Take me where, home?

I don’t know. That’s all he said.

Shit! I guess this is the end of it. I’ll call you when I can, but I’ll probably be grounded forever.

Al, I’m sorry. At least we’ll see you at school, Andi said as she gave me a tight hug and Laia joined. We hugged for a few minutes until we heard a voice outside the door.

Come on, Allie. I need to take you now!

I took a deep breath and looked at both of my friends with tears in my eyes but put a tough face on. I walked out there trying not to make eye contact with Laia’s dad, but I couldn’t help it. He didn’t even look mad at me. He actually looked like he felt bad.

The cop walked me outside and for some reason his cop car was parked across the street in the church parking lot. That really confused me, why would he be parked over there? Laia and Andi were following behind us but far enough away so the cop wasn’t saying anything to them. As we approached the cop car, he pulled out his handcuffs.

Really?! Is this necessary? I asked.

Across the parking lot Laia and Andi started yelling at the cop.

Leave her alone! Come on, are you serious?! This is total bullshit!

The cop continued to handcuff me.

Running away from your parents and partying. I think you need to rethink what you are doing?

I just laughed. Who the fuck is this guy? He has no idea what’s going on in my life.

This night just kept getting odder.

He started pushing the top of my head down to guide me into the back of the cop car. Right when I was about to duck my head into the cop car my parents pulled up. I felt like I was busted for something, like it was my fault the cops picked me up. But it wasn’t; they called the cops on their own kid. He shut the door and walked over to my parents, chatted for a minute and then got in the car. He started the car. I looked through the back window but could only see the road.

How come my parents can’t drive me home?

You aren’t going home.

Where am I going? What the hell is going on?

You’ll see, he said.

We drove south from Highland and got on the freeway. Well, they got me! I was totally lost, I had no idea what my parents had up their sleeves. I looked up at the dash of the cop’s car and it said 6:53pm.

We got off on Center Street in Provo after about a thirty-minute drive. We pulled into a parking lot and the building in front of us looked like an office. The cop got out, opened my door and grabbed my arm to help me out. I didn’t see my parents anywhere. We walked inside and I still felt clueless. A woman with a blonde ponytail and deep brown eyes walked out. The cop started taking off my handcuffs.

Hi Maggie, this is Allie. We called not that long ago.

Yes, she said, looking down at a clip board. I’ll take her from here.

He took off my handcuffs.

Thanks, he said and walked out of the building.

Hi Allie, you’re at a runaway house. We know you ran away from your parents and you guys are having a hard time with each other, so we thought it would be best if you stayed the night tonight. But first I need to take a few things from you. I need your jewelry, shoes, belt and your bag.

No, I don’t want to do any of this! I screamed at her.

I know it seems weird and confusing, but it’s just protocol to help keep you safe and to keep your belongings safe too. You’re just sleeping here tonight, that’s all.

I grabbed my forehead and closed my eyes. What the actual fuck was going on?

Let’s start with your shoes, she said with a gentle tone.

I slipped off my shoes. She grabbed them and bagged them. She put her hand out and motioned to my studded belt to give it to her. I took a big deep breath and undid the belt and pulled it out from my pants and handed it to her. She bagged it with my shoes. I started feeling tired. I handed her my three rings and my earrings and finally my bag.

Thank you.

She walked me through a door that locked, into a hallway with a bunch of doors. She showed me where the bathroom was, and then to another door.

You’ll be in this room with another girl.

I wasn’t even going to be alone? She opened the door and the light was on. There were twin beds, one on each side of the room. The room was white and bare. Was this a psych ward? The girl looked up at me and did a full body scan before giving me a small head nod like ‘come in’.

Megan this is Allie. Allie, Megan.

The girl was still looking at me.

Hi.

You girls have half an hour before lights out. I watched Maggie walk out and shut the door.

I could feel the girl still looking at me. I turned around and she quickly turned her head and lay down on her bed. I walked over to the other bed and sat down on the white sheets. I brought my knees up to my face and wrapped my arms around my legs. My breathing started to increase and my heart started beating faster. My mind raced with all of the worst-case scenarios of what was going to happen next. Stay at this place for a few days, or weeks? Then get grounded for months in my room, not allowed to go anywhere but school and church. Trapped, imprisoned, powerless, unheard, abandoned.

Closing my eyes with my hands pushing into them, I tried to slow my breathing, I didn’t want to pass out. I’d forgotten about the girl. She was staring at the wall not paying much attention to me. She rolled over and looked at me.

Did you sneak anything in?

No, I said.

Good. I’m detoxing and I don’t want any temptations.

Now I could get a better look at her she didn’t look great. Like she hadn’t slept for days, red eyes and dark circles. Caked on mascara, looked like she kept applying it over old layers so it was super clumpy. Her dark brown hair was oily and stringy. Her tone sounded desperate.

The knock at the door startled me and I made a small gasp and put my hand up to my chest.

Maggie popped her head inside the door.

Lights out, ladies, she said.

She turned the lights off and shut the door.

I rolled away from the light coming through the cracks.

The girl started talking to herself and breathing weird. I froze. Was she going to try and do something? I was so exhausted mentally and physically that I faded into sleep.

I woke up to a lady’s voice, Allie, you have a phone call.

Everything was blurry and took a minute to focus and understand where I was.

Allie, come with me, dear, said Maggie.

I got to my feet and followed her out of the room. She took me down the hallway to a room that looked like an office.

The phone is right over there. It’s your grandma, she said.

My grandma?

I picked up the tan phone. It’s white curly cord stretched out as I pulled it up to my ear.

Hello, I said slowly.

Allie, is that you? She was crying.

Yeah, it’s me, Grandma.

I just want you to know I love you very much and everything is going to be okay. I love you very much.

Okay, Grandma. I love you, too.

It’s late, so get back to bed and we can talk in the morning.

All right, bye.

Bye. I heard her let out a sniffle and hang up the phone.

What was that? I’d never had a conversation like that with her. She seemed really worried, like something was going on. Something worse than I thought.

Maggie walked in and took me back to my room. Thank God, she didn’t ask me any questions. I didn’t want to talk.

I lay back on my bed and could still hear the worry and sadness in my grandma’s voice. I was too tired to over-analyze it. My heavy eyes shut.

Right when I was about to fall into a deep sleep, a light shake on my shoulder woke me.

Allie, you have another call, she said.

What? I said, rubbing my eyes.

You have another call, come on. She sounded annoyed.

I followed her back down the hall to the office. The phone lay off the hook again.

It’s your uncle, she said.

Hello?

Allie, are you okay? This is Uncle Jake.

Yeah, what’s going on. It’s really late.

I know, I’m sorry. I just heard about everything that’s happening, and I tried to get your parents to let you stay with us while things cool off, but no luck.

Thanks.

We love you and we’re sorry about everything. Okay, you’d better get some sleep.

Okay, goodnight.

I hung up the phone and stared at it. What was happening? Maggie took me back to my room.

Goodnight, she said.

In the morning, a lady with short blonde hair walked in. Good morning, girls. And you must be Allie? she said.

I shook my head yes.

Come with me.

I got up and followed her to the front office. She handed me a bag with all of my belongings in it.

Make sure it’s all there, she said.

I opened the bag and put my belt and jewelry on. Everything was accounted for, so I handed her the empty bag and put my shoes on. Right when I finished, I saw my parents walk up and my older brother, Gregory. They looked mad and sad, not a good combo. My brother looked worried. And there were two bigger men standing by a sedan. The lady walked me out to them.

Allie, we don’t know what else to do, my dad said.

I looked at the ground. The rage I had been holding in starting fuming inside of me.

We are so disappointed in you, my mom said. We love you very much, but these men are taking you now.

They both sounded so sad and hurt. I quickly glanced up and saw tears filling their eyes. Everything sounded like we were underwater. Really muffled and there was an echo.

Bye Allie. Goodbye, my parents said.

I could barely hear them. I walked by them and hugged my brother. I felt numb. I turned around and silently got into the back of the car.

Chapter 2

The Drive

November 4, 2001 - Sunday

I stared out the window, raging. I was glad I wasn’t going home. I didn’t want to go home. After a few hours we pulled over to a rest stop.

Do you want to use the restroom? The driver looked at me through his rearview mirror.

Sure, I said.

They opened my door and followed me.

The two men waited outside of the restroom like guards; that’s when it hit me, Oh shit, they think I might run. Where were they taking me? This was serious.

I leaned against the sink and got close to the mirror. I stared at myself. I looked tired and dirty. My hair was messy and oily, my eyeliner and mascara smudged from the last three days. I wished I had showered at Laia’s house. I grabbed a piece of toilet paper and wiped my eyeliner and under my eyes. I reached into my jean pocket and grabbed my Bonne Bell Lip gloss in Cappuccino; I put three layers on. It was shiny and sticky; the color was a creamy nude pinky brown with a touch of shimmer. I rubbed my lips together; it had a sweet coffee scent. I pulled out my hair elastic and smoothed the loose frizzy brown hairs and made a low bun. My black tank top was smeared with dirt. I tried to rub it off but it needed a wash. I zipped up my hoodie.

I walked out of the restroom and looked at the men. The one on the left was tall and ripped. His red t-shirt stretched tight over his biceps and chest. His buzzed blonde hair made his gray/blue eyes more intense.

The man on the right had a looser fitting gray shirt. His five o’clock shadow and tousled brown hair reminded me of Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible: 2. He even had similar glasses. I imagined him pulling them off and throwing them so they would self-detonate.

Let’s go, girl, the Tom Cruise guy said. I started walking and they didn’t move until I was in the