Broken...But Not Shattered

By Domonique Martin

A simple life. Deena Sparks wanted those things more than anything. But from an early age, she knew her life was not destined for that white picket fence. Bouncing from one abusive situation to the next seemed to be the only thing she was good at. After experiencing a traumatic event, Deena realizes she must get out of her dark circumstances, or they would kill her. Her road to change takes her through a tumultuous road to redemption and rediscovery through an unexpected meeting with Jerald Perkins. On the surface Jerald is the perfect man. Kind, giving, understanding, and an all-around perfect gentleman. But Deena has been burned before, and vows to never be blindsided again. As her new life forces her to face her demons, the fear of budding friendships and relationships threaten to erase all the progress she's made. Deena must ask herself if she's ready to find out who she really is? Will she even like who she discovers? Is she destined to remain broken? Deena will have to take more risks than ever before to put the shattered pieces of her life back together and truly find happiness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Domonique Martin
• Release date: Jul 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223850458

Book preview

PROLOGUE

I rarely watched the news. I bet they all wished that I hadn’t that day. Ten seconds into the story, a burning hot fury flamed in the pit of my stomach. It burned so hotly it brought tears to my eyes.

If no new victims come forward, we’re going to have to drop the case. The detective was telling a room full of reporters. I could hear my heart drumming in my ears. Fear, like I’ve never felt, rose from my stomach up into my chest. Before I knew what was happening, I reached for my cell phone and dialed the number displayed on the screen. For years I prayed one day to get justice for what had been done to me. Now it was playing out on my TV screen. I couldn’t wait to see the look on their faces when they saw me. They thought they broke me. They probably thought I was dead. After tonight, they were going to wish I was.

CHAPTER 1

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I am Deena Marie Sparks. The story was that a nurse had to name me because my mom abandoned me at the hospital to get her next fix. She needed to get high more than she needed a burden baby. I’m twenty-nine years old. Kind of petite, close to five-foot-four. I would say I was thin, others would tell me I was shapely. I have almond-shaped dark brown eyes, full lips, long eyelashes, and dimples. I have been referred to as beautiful since around the time I was four. I’ve never seen it myself but it’s something that people have pointed out to me many times over the years. My looks have always been a curse for me. For a long time, I hated this face. This face has gotten me into a lot of trouble. This face made me a target for ruthless predators. One, in particular, introduced me to a life of pain and heartache. The day I was born, I was left at the hospital by my drug-addicted mother. That gave me abandonment issues. My foster father had a very heavy hand when it came to discipline. That gave me intimacy, trust, and daddy issues. I was screwed from the beginning. Because of that abuse, I found myself drawn to abusive relationships. That’s how I met John. But that’s not where my story begins and definitely not how it ends.

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From birth, I was shuffled from foster home to foster home. I was what one of my foster fathers called a crack baby. He told me my mother was high on drugs when she collapsed in front of a fire station. After she delivered, she snuck out of the hospital and left me there in the nursery. From the time I was around five, I remember being treated as an outsider in every home. None of my foster parents ever let me forget I was not theirs. It was a sobering realization to have at five years old. Feeling out of place and unwanted. I normalized it and tried to think of myself as a piece of furniture. I was fine with that. My first few foster homes had been tolerable. I wasn’t neglected too badly. I was used to being verbally degraded, so it didn’t sting so much. But when I was placed in what would be my last foster home, all of that changed. That had to be the worst experience I’d had. It turned out to be the catalyst for the dark path I found myself going down afterward. When I was twelve, I was placed with Trevor and his wife Carol.

They already had two sons of their own at the time. Terrance and TJ. They were twins and were four years older than me. I was fresh meat. Their house was a dump. If not for me doing all of the chores, I was sure the house could have been condemned. I don’t even know how they passed the inspection to become foster parents in the first place. The twins never helped out around the house. In Trevor’s eyes, his sons could do no wrong. My punishments started with time-outs and light spankings from Carol. And they only happened when Terrance or TJ lied and blamed me for something that they did. I was not a problem child. I learned early on the best way to survive in the system, was to be seen and heard as little as possible. I went to great lengths to never get in trouble. Carol was actually very nice to me. I mean, she never punished the twins, but she never treated me like I was unwanted. I liked her. Carol passed away when I was fourteen. The punishments worsened once Trevor took them over. If I didn’t do the dishes by the time he got home from work, he would twist my arm behind my back until it felt as if it would pop out of the socket. If my homework was not done by a certain time, I would get a punch in the chest or the back of my head. The teachers at school noticed how withdrawn I was getting. They constantly asked me if everything was okay at home. I would lie and say I was having menstrual cramps or that I just didn’t feel well. I wouldn’t dare tell them about Trevor. I was too scared of the consequences if Child Protective Services came to the house. Bruises lined my body all the time. It got to a point where bruises started to form over ones that hadn’t even healed yet. I was always in pain or healing from a previous punishment. I just went through life thinking that’s what I deserved for being trash. I didn’t like living with Terrance and TJ because they took advantage of me. They knew I feared their father. They knew I would do anything to avoid the abuse. I came home late from school one night. I had lost track of time reading in the library. The library was my favorite escape from everything that was going on in my life. I was hoping to sneak into the house without either of them noticing. Trevor worked crazy hours at a security job, so he wasn’t home. I walked in the door as quietly as I could. But TJ and Terrance were already sitting on the couch waiting for me.

My dad gonna kick your ass when he finds out you coming home so late! TJ taunted me in a singsong voice. I closed the door behind me and sighed. I knew he was right. I tried to bribe them with doing their chores to get them to keep quiet.

You already do all the chores anyway Deena. We want something else. Terrance got up.

I don’t have anything else. I didn’t know what else I had to offer them. I had nothing. No electronics, no toys, no money.

Yes, you do. You can give us some of this. Terrance walked up to me and grabbed one of my breasts. I instantly pushed him back. The shock that he’d touched me left me frozen in place.

What...what do you mean? Are you talking about...? I didn’t let myself finish that sentence. It couldn’t be that. I was only fifteen at the time and they were almost twenty. To me, they were grown men. TJ got up too and stood next to his brother. They looked just like their father, which wasn’t a compliment. They were dark-skinned, tall, and thin. They had wide noses and bug-like eyes. Both had long unruly dreadlocks. They looked like they were constantly high.

You want us to tell our dad on you? Just think about how bad he gonna whoop you. You still got that boot print on your back, right? You want another one? TJ yelled at me nastily. He was referring to a punishment from two weeks earlier. Trevor had pushed me face down on the basement floor. He stomped on my back with his work boots on because I didn’t leave his pants in the dryer long enough. I couldn’t stand straight for a whole week after that. I got scared. I didn’t want to get punished like that again. But I didn’t want to do what they were asking me either. I wasn’t even sure at that time what the exact act of sex was. I just knew you got naked and if you didn’t use protection you would get pregnant. I weighed my options and decided having sex would be better than getting stomped again.

Okay, but I don’t know how to do it. I never even seen...a thing before. I felt defeated and sad. They both looked at each other and smiled.

Don’t worry, we’ll teach you how to do it. Come on, let’s go upstairs. Terrance put his arm around my shoulder and we went up to his room. The walk up the steps was torture. I was so scared. I didn’t want to do this. But what choice did I have? He told me to take all my clothes off and lay on the bed. I was shy about my body and was slow to take off my clothes.

Don’t be nervous. Imma take good care of you. Terrance started to get undressed. I relaxed as best as I could and lay on the bed as still as a statue. Terrance pulled off his underwear and climbed on top of me. My body started to tremble. I was beyond nervous. My face shook from my teeth chattering.

Calm down girl. It might hurt for like two minutes, then after that, it’ll be cool. Terrance started to rub his penis up and down. He nudged my legs open and got in between them. He grabbed his penis and guided it toward my private area. Fear ran through me. I realized he was going to put that inside of me. He stopped and reached into his dresser drawer. He pulled out a condom and put it on. Trevor would be home from work in a little while. If we were going to do this, we needed to do it now. I was already afraid. I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.

Okay, take a deep breath, and don’t let it out until you feel a pinch. Terrance grabbed my thighs and spread them even wider. I said okay and closed my eyes. I inhaled and felt him pushing at my opening. Everything stopped. No noise, no breathing. When he started to inch inside me, the pain was almost unbearable. I never had pain down there before and didn’t know what to expect. I definitely didn’t expect it to feel like someone shoving a knife inside me.

OUCH! I changed my mind! Ouch! Stop! I cried out in panic and started pushing him off me. Terrance moved and reached for his pants.

I’m not gonna force you Deena, but TJ definitely will. I pulled the covers over my body and thought about that. He was right. No matter what, I was losing my virginity tonight. I didn’t have a choice. At least I could choose who took it. Both of the brothers treated me like dirt, but Terrance wasn’t mean to me. I made a split-second decision.

I...I don’t want the first time to be with TJ. I closed my eyes and laid back down on the bed. I felt the bed move and Terrance got back in between my legs. He was pushing himself inside me again. I started to cry.

Don’t cry. I can’t stay hard if you crying. Terrance grunted, digging deeper into me.

"But...it hurts!" I whimpered closing my eyes tighter.

Once I’m all the way in, it won’t hurt as much. I only got a little bit of it in there. Let me finish. I stopped crying and took another deep breath. Terrance inched inside me, which felt like it took forever. I was biting down so hard on my lip from the pain, that it was bleeding. He told me he was all the way in there and now came the fun part. He pushed and pulled in and out of me. It felt like somebody was dragging nails out of me. He did this over and over until the pain lessened, only by a little bit.

Oh yeah. Your pussy is good Deena! Terrance said and started going a little faster. It felt like a snake was slithering in and out of me. I didn’t see what the fuss about sex was. It didn’t feel like anything to me. It was wet and painful. A few minutes later, his eyes started rolling into the back of his head and his mouth drooped open. Spit dropped out of his mouth onto my chest. I cringed and hoped he was almost done.

AAAAHHHHH! Terrance screamed out in a high-pitched voice. He pushed into me a few more times then stopped. He pulled out of me and fell on the bed next to me. I guessed that he was done.

I just popped your cherry, Terrance laughed and got up.

Take a shower then go in TJ's room. Terrance had a big grin on his face. He skipped out of his bedroom. Boys were so weird. I didn’t know how they enjoyed doing that. I stood up and felt like someone had punched me in the privates. I was so uncomfortable. I had to do this again with TJ. I took a cool shower. I was careful not to wash my private area too roughly. I was so sore. I got scared when I saw blood going down the drain. I hoped that was normal. I put on a robe and went into TJ’s room. He was sitting on the bed naked, stroking himself up and down.

Lay down, he ordered. I took the robe off and got on the bed next to him. He stood up and put a condom on. He didn’t wait for me to relax like Terrance had. He just got in between my legs and entered me. He started pumping and grunting. It hurt less than it did with Terrance, but Terrance had been nicer about taking it. TJ just groaned and pumped until he was finished. He then kicked me out of his room. That was the only way over the next year I avoided constantly getting beat by Trevor. I knew it was messed up, but in a way I was grateful. They didn’t have to blackmail me for sex. They could have continued lying on me or letting their dad beat me more than he already was. That situation worked until my sixteenth birthday.

No one cared that it was my birthday. They still expected me to do all the chores in the house before Trevor got home and have dinner ready. I heard his Dodge outside sputtering. Trevor was home from work, miserable as usual.

Deena! Beer now! He shouted through the house and slammed the door. I was in the basement and had a hamper full of the twins’ clothes in my hands.

Coming! I dropped it immediately. I ran up the stairs, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator, and rushed to give it to Trevor.

I handed it to him out of breath. Trevor hated waiting. He stood up and stared me down. He took a swig and promptly spit it out into my face. I gasped and wiped the beer from my face with the back of my sleeve. It burned my eyes, but I didn’t say anything.

This beer is hot. Didn’t I tell you to put my beers in the refrigerator? Huh? His hot breath was an inch from my face. His eyes were full of fury. His chest heaved in and out with the force of his rising anger. This wasn’t going to end well for me. It never did.

I promise, I did Trevor. It’s been in there since this morning. My small voice shook, already knowing where this exchange was leading.

You a fucking liar! This shit tastes like warm piss! You like making me mad, don’t you bitch? I shook my head no and took a step back. The beer was ice cold when I took it out of the refrigerator and even colder when he spat it in my face. Trevor just wanted an excuse to take out his anger on me. He hated his job and was still sad over the loss of his wife, but he didn’t know how to handle it. There was no sense in pleading with Trevor for mercy, that only made him madder I learned early on.

I looked over to the staircase with my beer-soaked face and saw Terrance and TJ. They were standing there watching us, leaning over the banister. I saw Trevor’s arm retract and knew a hit was coming. I would try to brace myself, but Trevor would hit me so hard each time it was useless. A bright light flashed behind my eyes before I felt myself falling sideways toward the living room floor. My face ached like I had been hit by a truck. I screamed out in pain and fell sideways on my hands and knees. He had never hit me in the face before. I saw little slithers of reds and blues dance before my eyes. Through the haze of pain I was in, I heard Terrance’s shocked voice.

DAD! Don’t hit her in the face!

Shut the fuck up! This bitch deserves worse! My face throbbed like a heartbeat. I lay on the floor crying and waiting for whatever else he would do. I didn’t have to wait long.

AAAHHHH! I screamed and tried to shield myself when he poured the rest of the ice-cold beer over the top of my head. I started shivering uncontrollably. I heard Trevor clear his throat and then make a spitting sound. His glob of spit landed on my arm. I stopped screaming and just cried silently. I was beyond humiliated. I didn’t dare move or talk. The room suddenly got quiet.

Clean this shit up before I get mad. Trevor’s threat lit a fire under me. I pulled myself to my feet and got towels from the basement to soak the beer up from the carpet. I spent the next twenty minutes scrubbing the rug, all the while covered in beer, spit, and tears. Once Trevor lost interest and started watching TV, I ran upstairs. I held in my cries as I showered. I wondered how this could be my life. Every day, afraid to even blink wrong for fear of getting kicked and punched.

I fell into a deep sleep once my head hit the pillow. My body felt battered even though Trevor had only hit me in the face. Yet another bruise I had to try and hide.

Deena! Wake up!

Hmmm? Someone was shaking my shoulder hard. I was groggy and had a major headache.

Deena! Get up! The panic in Terrance’s voice woke me up completely. I sat up and grabbed my head.

What’s wrong?

TJ told my dad you been sleeping with us to get out of trouble. Terrance looked back at my bedroom door. The fear I felt at that moment was indescribable. My stomach quivered as I tried not to pee on myself.

You have to leave, now. Terrance sounded afraid too. That made my hands shake.

I don’t have anywhere to go. I’ll just take the punishment. I closed my eyes and envisioned the sinister punishment I would get from Trevor over this. Terrance kept looking at my bedroom door.

No Deena, you can’t take this punishment. I opened my eyes and looked at Terrance for the first time since he’d woken me up. He looked as scared as I was. Something more was going on. My fear intensified.

What kind of punishment is it? My mind immediately went to the thin belt Trevor beat me with when he was really angry. It would rip the skin on my back open. Each whip burned like fire.

My dad told TJ if you want less beatings, you sleeping with the wrong person. Then he asked TJ to give him some condoms. Terrance’s eyes drifted off as he told me. My breath was caught in my throat. The realization of what Trevor meant dawned on me. My heart dropped deep into my stomach. What Trevor wanted to do was unthinkable. He was supposed to be my father, or at least treat me like his daughter. But he’d never treated me as anything but a punching bag, so I wasn’t completely shocked at this. We looked at each other in fear.

I know I never stood up for you before, but I can’t let my dad hurt you like that. You have to leave tonight Deena. I got like fifty bucks I can give you. For a split second, I thought I saw compassion in his eyes. He handed me the money and told me to put warm clothes on. He walked to my bedroom door, opened it, and looked up and down the hallway.

Come on. He’s in TJ’s room. Don’t make any noise. Terrance whispered as he led me down the steps. At the front door, he nodded for me to go. I opened the door and stepped out. A blast of cold air hit me. I had no one. I had nothing. I was nothing. I ran down the porch steps and out into the night. I was sixteen, beaten, alone, and homeless.

CHAPTER 2

I didn’t know where I was going that night, I just knew I couldn’t stop walking. I walked until my feet went numb and I couldn’t feel them hitting the pavement anymore. I stayed off the main streets because I didn’t want anyone to see me. It wasn’t until I had walked for what seemed like miles, did I hear a car approaching me. I heard a voice call out to me. I ignored it at first.

You all right little girl? The voice asked again. The dark van drove past me and stopped a few feet ahead of me. I didn’t know what to say. I looked up at whoever the voice belonged to.

You need a ride home? The voice asked softly. I started crying.

I don’t have a home. I wiped my tears, feeling pathetic. I heard the van door open, so I absently walked over to it. I hoisted myself up and sat down on cold leather seats. I must have passed out from exhaustion because the next thing I knew I was awake in a dark room. I instantly freaked out. I swung my legs over the bed and felt plush carpet under my toes. I smelled bacon somewhere and heard running water. I couldn’t see, so I stood up and slowly walked around the room. I put my hands out in front of me feeling around for the light switch. My hand landed on something solid that I assumed was a wall and I stayed along it until I felt a switch. I turned on the light and gasped. My eyes burned from the light. It smelled like wood and looked old and worn. I couldn’t remember how I had gotten there or where there was. I looked around the room trying to see if anything seemed familiar. There was a queen-sized bed with pink covers and pillows on it as if a young girl slept there. The more I looked around the more I felt as if I was in a child’s bedroom. Dolls were sitting neatly across a dresser with a pink vanity mirror. Whoever lived there must have a little girl, I thought at the time. The door opened behind me, and I almost jumped out of my skin. I walked slowly back towards the bed and sat down. A tall stocky man’s silhouette filled the door frame. He came into the room and shyly smiled at me. He nervously played with his thumbs.

I was wondering when you would wake up. I made you something to eat and was going to run you a bath. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. He was a stranger who had just picked a runaway up off the side of the road. But I was touched by his kindness. I was a bit weary of his intentions though. I don’t know why he didn’t take me to the police station and let Child Protective Services take over. Why did he bring me back here? He had to be in his late fifties, with salt and pepper short curly hair. He had a rugged look to him like a hunter. His hands were abnormally large and calloused.

I hope you wasn’t too scared waking up in the dark like that. He still didn’t look up at me. He looked more nervous than I was. I relaxed a little and thought that my luck could have been worse. I could have been picked up by some crazed lunatic or a murderer. He looked up at me quickly and I saw his grey eyes. They were quite a contrast against his dark skin. He seemed harmless, so I let my guard down. Just a little.

It was okay. I am kind of hungry. I slowly got up.

My throat felt dry and hoarse. He smiled and opened the door for me. I smiled back and walked past him into the hallway. I was still shaky. I didn’t know if it was from the beating from Trevor or from being in this strange man’s place. He lived in a cabin. The walls and doors looked hand-carved, and moose and deer heads were adorning the living room walls. There was no TV, radio, or noise of any kind. Just crickets from outside. I had the feeling we were somewhere secluded. I gulped as I thought about that. There was a brown leather recliner in the living room and two small matching chairs. He had a fireplace that he had going to make the cabin warm. I ate the food he had laid out and kept quiet until I was finished. He kept stealing glances my way, but he didn’t say anything either. I excused myself when I was done and practically ran back to the room I had come from. I closed the door behind me and slid down to the floor. What would happen to me? Should I stay here? Where else could I go? Did I want to go back into the system? I sat there for an hour just going over my options in my head and coming up with nothing good. I got up off the floor and opened the door. He came rushing out of the living room.

Everything okay? He asked softly.

Umm...can I take a bath?

Of course! Whatever you want, he said enthusiastically. He pointed to a door to my right down the hall. I smiled and nodded at him and made my way to the bathroom. I closed the door and started the water. I slowly and gingerly got undressed and got into the tub.

Ah. I exhaled as I slid down into the warm water. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. Strangely I felt kind of safe. A little while later, I got up and dried off. I looked at my face in the mirror and saw that half of my face was red and swollen. The newest addition to the multiple bruises and cuts I already had on my body from Trevor. I never have to go through that again, I thought to myself. I put my ear to the door and listened for movement. I still had some reservations about staying there, but for now I had no choice. I didn’t even know where I was, what time it was, or even what day it was. I opened the door and saw an empty hallway. I quickly tiptoed back to the room, and lightly closed the door behind me. I needed to figure things out. I needed to know what my next move was. Most of all I needed sleep. That night I slept the whole night through and woke up refreshed. I saw that he had left me a clean white t-shirt and some shorts at the foot of the bed. I hadn’t even heard the door open and close that night. I put the clothes on and walked out into the living room. In the daylight the cabin was beautiful. Although there were no windows in the living room, it felt open and spacious. The cabin smelled like pine and fresh air.

I built this cabin myself ten years ago, he walked into the living room. I jumped a little at his voice and turned so that my back wasn’t to him. I backwards walked into the dining room. It was much smaller than the living room. It was sparsely furnished with a folding table and four folding chairs. He obviously lived alone or had little to no visitors.

It’s really nice. It must have taken you forever, I commented politely looking at the detailed carvings around the door facings. He shrugged and smiled shyly. I was beginning to think he wasn’t used to being around people.

Um...what’s your name? I looked at him awkwardly. I should have asked that last night. He cleared his throat and snuck a quick glance at me.

It’s Elijah. His deep voice filled the room.

I’m Deena. I put my hand out and he timidly shook it. His shake was soft, almost feminine. I started feeling a little better about this situation. He seemed to be as gentle as a lamb. I didn’t think I had anything to fear from him. I stayed with Elijah for almost a year before he kicked me out. At first, it was great. He would cook for me and listen to me vent about my pathetic life. He would give his opinion and often offer me advice. The longer I stayed, the more he opened up. I started to feel safe with him. Trust started to build, which seemed impossible, especially with a man. I was developing a father-like affection for him. But he killed that soon after. Six months into my being there, things started to change. He slowly became controlling and wouldn’t let me do anything on my own. He began by not letting me out of the cabin. I had never gone out of the cabin in that six-month time frame, but I never thought I couldn’t.

Someone could see you and get the wrong idea about you being here with me. He said when I asked why. It was understandable. I was a sixteen-year-old girl living with a man in his fifties. I agreed and let it go. The fifty dollars that Terrance had given me was gone one day. I never brought it up. How could I be upset? I was living there for free, so fifty dollars was the least I could give him. I just didn’t like that he'd come into my room and taken it. I would have freely given it. Then he started demanding that I leave the bathroom door open when I bathed or showered. That caused a weird tremor of fear to form in my stomach. The same type of fear I felt the night I left Trevor’s.

If you slip or something, how would I hear you? He would ask me. I didn’t think that was understandable. I thought it was weird, but I left it alone. As long as he didn’t come into the bathroom while I was in there, I was somewhat okay with it. Out of the blue one day, he told me that I had to sleep in his bed from then on. Up until that point, Elijah slept in the recliner in the living room. There was a second bedroom, but he never used it. That made his demand seem even crazier.

Why? I was cautious as I asked. Things were shifting too much. I was getting more and more uncomfortable every day. I noticed in the week leading up to that, he had been looking at me differently. In the beginning, he would be too shy to look directly at me. But now he blatantly stared at my body whenever I walked into a room. I tried to ignore it. I wanted this living situation to work. I couldn’t describe the joy I felt not being afraid every day. Not dreading the eventual punches or kicks I would get. It made me have rose-colored glasses on when it came to our living situation though.

I get lonely at night, and I want your company. He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. He was sitting in his recliner smoking a cigarette. I hated the smell.

I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem right. I mean, I’m sixteen, and you...well, I don’t know how old you are. But it would be inappropriate for me to sleep with you, whatever the reason. I tried to say no in the nicest way without making him upset. I hated where the conversation was heading.

Well, I only let you stay here to keep me company. I’ve shown you a lot of kindness these last few months without asking for so much as a thank you. I would a thought I could at least get something in return for it. He stood up to walk out of the room. I was speechless. I felt like I was being ungrateful. I instantly felt guilty. I had mixed feelings about sleeping in his bed, but he had taken care of me while I was at my lowest point. I took a deep breath and called his name. I figured it couldn’t hurt to sleep in his bed. I didn’t want to get thrown out onto the streets again. He turned around quickly.

I’m sorry. You’re right. Umm...I’ll do it. I smiled on the outside but trembled on the inside. He got a strange look on his face.

I look forward to it. He puffed on his cigarette.

That night, I sat nervously on the bathroom toilet. He was already in his room waiting. I could hear him humming.

It will be daylight before you know it. I tried to psych myself up. I let out a breath and went to his door. I turned the knob and went for the light switch.

Leave it off. Elijah’s deep voice boomed. It was more like a command than a request.

I walked in and closed the door behind me.

Take your pants off, another command.

Elijah..., I pleaded.

Please? He begged. I looked up at the ceiling and rolled my eyes. I took a deep breath and took my pajama pants off. I walked towards the opposite side of the bed and got in. I scooted close to the edge and tried to get comfortable. I felt the bed shake and then Elijah’s large hand was on my stomach. I got scared immediately.

Uh...Elijah, you didn’t say anything about touching me. I went to move his hand away, but he grabbed my wrist. Not tight, just enough to get my attention.

I just want to touch this soft body of yours. You’re so beautiful and sexy, I can’t help it. Please, Deena? It’s the least you can do after how much I’ve helped you. Elijah’s deep voice tickled my ears. I felt that guilt and fear again. I moved my hand and let him touch me. He was right. I owed him. He had taken me in and not asked for anything in return. It was only right that I paid him back. He ran his hand along my stomach and groaned into my hair. I looked straight ahead not staring at anything in particular.

You smell so good, he whispered. His voice had gotten deeper. He moved closer to me, and I felt his bare chest on my back and his hard penis on my thighs. He was naked behind me. I started breathing faster thinking, of a way to say stop. This could only lead to one thing, and I didn’t want to do that ever again. Especially not with Elijah. He was old enough to be my grandfather. I just couldn’t fix my mouth to say no. If I said no, he would kick me out. I had a moral dilemma on my hands. What was more important? Sex and stability or standing my ground? I chose stability and kept my mouth shut. His touch didn’t evoke any feelings of arousal from me, it just felt wrong. Elijah’s hand slid down my stomach and between my legs. I gasped and closed my eyes tight. I sucked on my bottom lip so I wouldn’t cry out. I heard him make a sucking noise. The next thing I felt was his finger inside my panties. I clenched myself tight and held my breath. I don’t want this! I don’t want this!  He pushed his finger inside me. I wasn’t anywhere near aroused, and the spit wasn’t enough lubrication. I groaned in pain. I counted backward from one thousand to take my mind off what Elijah was doing. He moaned in my ear, and he got harder on my thighs.

I want to be inside you Deena! Do you want me inside you? He sounded desperate. No! I nodded my head yes with my eyes still closed. He took his finger from inside me and got on top of me. He grabbed the bottom of my t-shirt and lifted it up to my chin. I was on seven hundred when he grabbed my breasts and squeezed them in his hands.

You’re so beautiful, Deena! I WANT YOU SO BAD! He moaned and squeezed my breasts harder. I was at five hundred when he pulled my panties down my legs and pried them open. I heard him cough up spit. I opened one eye and watched as he rubbed the spit on himself. Please be quick. I started to hum a song in my head when he pushed himself inside me. It pinched a little and stung, but it wasn’t all that painful.

OH YESSSS! He groaned over and over again. I lay there telling myself it wasn’t that bad. He hadn’t been that rough with me and he had the courtesy to ask me before he climbed on top of me. I let my foster brothers do the same thing to me for a year. What was the harm with letting Elijah do it too? That was the only way I could repay him for his kindness. So, I swallowed my pride and played dead.

OH DEENA! He exclaimed and two minutes later he was finished. He lay next to me, breathing heavily with his eyes closed.

That was better than I could have ever imagined, he said breathlessly.

You just don’t know how much I want you, Deena. A few minutes later he climbed back on top of me. If I didn’t understand how much he wanted me at first, I did after that. He couldn’t get enough of me. He would take me in the mornings as soon as I woke up. He would have me on the living room floor and after every shower. Before dinner, he would bend me over the kitchen table. Any time he wanted sex, he got it. He never asked, he just took it. And I never protested. We were having sex at least three times a day. Giving him sex was like paying him room and board. The only silver lining was that he finished so quick each time, it was over almost as soon as it started.

I was a late bloomer, so I didn’t start my period until later that year. When I told him I needed pads, he screwed his face up. He was disgusted. He didn’t want to touch me after that. He then started to leave the cabin more frequently. I thought I had done something wrong. For almost half a year, he had guilt-tripped me into having sex with him almost nonstop. Now he wouldn’t even touch me. I was scared he would kick me out now.

What’s wrong Elijah? Why don’t you want me anymore? I asked him one night after it had been two weeks since he’d even looked at me.

I don’t know how to say it without hurting your feelings. He didn’t look at me. That was a bad sign.

Just say it, I can handle it. I was growing more anxious by the minute. He stood up, looked me in the eyes and sighed.

You’re a woman now Deena, he said with disgust. I didn’t say anything.

And you’re maturing and looking older and older every day. He looked nauseous. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. I was so naïve at the time and didn’t want to face the truth.

Why does that matter? I was so oblivious to what he truly was. He shook his head impatiently.

You’re too old now! I can’t...my body don’t want you as much as it used to. And you started your period. He said that with revulsion. He sat back down and lit a cigarette. I was too old? He wasn’t attracted to me anymore? What did my period have to do with anything?

I tried to look past it, but I got needs Deena. I found me somebody else that I want. He blew smoke out through his nose. I felt the same sinking feeling I felt the night Terrance told me to leave Trevor’s house.

How old is she? I needed to know if the sick conclusion I was coming to was right.

Fifteen. He smiled and closed his eyes. A year younger than I was when he started sleeping with me. I felt discarded and used. I just nodded and walked back into my room. I avoided him the next few days until he told me to come into the living room.

My new girl gone be moving in here with me, so you gone have to find another place to stay. He got up from his recliner.

I’ll help you pack and everything, but you got to be out by tonight. He had no empathy in his voice. He was done with me and was moving on to the next. I could barely form words. That was the last thing I expected him to say to me. It was so sudden, I almost thought he was joking.

Bu...but where will I go? I don’t know anyone or have any money. Please, Elijah, I’ll try harder to please you I promise. I pleaded desperately. It was so pathetic. He shook his head no and walked into my bedroom. I was grasping at straws. I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t be disposed of again. He came back out of the room with a small black trash bag and a jacket on his arm.

Here you go. I bought you a jacket because it’s gonna be chilly out there tonight. He handed me the bag and the jacket. I looked into his eyes and begged him to let me stay. He ignored me and walked to the door. I cried as I walked to the door and out onto the porch. I looked back in time to get the door slammed in my face. I looked out into the woods around the cabin with a hopeless feeling. I had nowhere to go. The only person who I thought would take care of me had just thrown me out like trash. This was worse than fleeing Trevor’s house. Trevor had treated me like shit, so I was happy to be gone. But Elijah had treated me with tenderness. Making me feel like he loved me. To just throw me out like that without any regret, made me realize that he had only been using me for sex. I walked with lead in my legs down the steps and trekked through the woods. I didn’t know where I was going. It was the first time I had ever been outside the cabin in a year. It was freezing outside. The jacket Elijah had given me was only a windbreaker. I opened my bag of belongings and started to put on layers of pants and shirts. It helped, but I was still very cold. After what seemed like hours, I came upon a parking lot full of cars. It was a hospital.

I replayed the last year over in my head trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. I didn’t miss the sex at all. I missed the intimacy that it led to. Elijah would hold me afterward and tell me how much he wanted me. He would stroke my hair and kiss me on the forehead. I felt needed. I felt loved. The chill in the air couldn’t compare to the chill I felt in my heart. I walked into the busy hospital unnoticed and waited for someone to come to the front desk. The smell of disinfectant didn’t mix well with the feeling in my stomach. I took a few breaths and tried to calm down. A woman walked past me with a nurse’s uniform on.

Excuse me? Could you give me the number of a shelter nearby? The nurse took one look at me and gave me a sad smile. She told me she would make a few calls and directed me to the waiting room. I felt so alone and hopeless. I was once again homeless. I sat there wearing three pairs of pants, four shirts, with tears streaming down my face. I hoped she would just tell me where a shelter was and not call Child Protective Services. I didn’t want to deal with yet another foster family treating me like shit. Two hours later, a van pulled into the hospital parking lot and the driver beeped the horn.

That’s for you. The nurse pointed to the van. I went outside and got into a white van that read, Mission for Adolescent Girls. I didn’t ask any questions. I just sighed and got in. The van already had four other girls in it. They all looked like how I felt. Alone, scared, and worthless. I was scared they would call child protective services because I was still under eighteen. It would have been just my luck to be placed right back with Trevor. But at the mission they gave me a choice. Go back to foster care or be admitted there as a runaway. I chose to be a runaway. I gave them a fake name because I knew I didn’t have any way to prove my identity. I technically didn’t even exist. The shelter wasn’t as bad as I imagined it. I had to sleep on a cot in a small room with six other girls. They all hated each other and fought day and night. I couldn’t sleep and many times I would find my things under some of the other girls’ cots.

I stayed there until my twenty-second birthday. The mission kindly told me my cot was needed and I had to leave. Once again, I was out on my own.

CHAPTER 3

That first night I walked the streets looking for a cheap motel. The mission  had given me a hundred dollars as a parting gift. I figured that should be enough to get me through a night or two before I could figure out my next move. I hadn’t eaten all day, but I didn’t want to spend any of the money. It was all I had. I walked down the street completely lost. I saw a light down the block and noticed music coming from inside of an open door. It was a bar. I walked in hoping to soak up some heat and sat on an empty bar stool. I dropped my trash bag of belongings on the floor at my feet. I heard a soft rock song playing low in the background. It wasn’t crowded, maybe about six people were scattered throughout the bar. A female bartender came over to where I was and set a shot glass in front of me. She had to be around my age, with black and pink short spiky hair. She had a warm inviting smile despite all of the piercings on her face.

You look like you could use a shot. On the house. She winked and walked away to help another patron. That was the first act of kindness anyone had shown me in a long time. I never drank alcohol before. I figured as much as I’ve been through, I deserved one. Here goes nothing. I tossed back the shot, not knowing what it was. It burned from my throat down deep into my belly. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and shook my head. I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn’t turn around.

Would you like some company? I heard a