The Rape of Penny and Julia

By Ulrika Sjöberg

This is the story of two Swedish girls, of alcohol, sex and drugs. It is a story of abuse and harassment, in a Stockholm that few people know about. Amnesty International has declared Sweden to be the European country with the highest incidence of reported rape and the lowest rate of convictions.
Penny and Julia attend high school, go to parties, confront love. Their days are divided between the family problems of which they are victims and the obsession with self-control, guilt, and bulimia. Events are a domain of thoughts and actions. Social Services provide psychological and economic support, but their true desire was for tenderness, a normal life, and for someone who really cares for them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Seagull Editions
• Release date: May 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223461760

Book preview

Chapter 1.

She was happy and excited when she thought about the coming evening, but also a little bit nervous. She had never been with a guy, barely even kissed one. She would change that tonight. Penny had said that there would be many good-looking guys. The problem was that guys never seemed to be interested in her. She did not know what she was doing wrong.

Everyone liked Penny, she was good-looking and funny. But maybe someone would see her tonight, too. She had made every effort to look her best, had even bought new underwear.

It was dark outside when the bus arrived and Julia got on. Half an hour later she got off and walked down a small road surrounded by forest until she arrived at a large house where the music was already thumping loudly. She rang the doorbell but no one came, she felt the door handle and it was open so she stepped inside. The music was so loud it almost hurt her ears, but she was too excited to care about that. She searched the room and her eyes fell on Penny standing and talking to some friends. Penny saw her and waved for her to come.

Hello! Here, Penny handed Julia a drink

Thank you, what's in it?

A little bit of everything, cola, sprite, whiskey and vodka, if I take only the vodka Dad will notice, I poured some water in it, too, so he won't see that there was any gone. Penny looked stubborn when she said it.

He will notice, Julia laughed and took a sip. It tasted horrible.

He did not notice last time I did it, and it doesn't matter now anyway. Guess who's coming?

Who?

Kevin.

Yes, and who is he? Julia tried to sound neutral, but she was curious.

He just broke up with his girlfriend so it could be your chance.

Is he attractive?

Yes, he is all right.

How do I look?

You could show a little more, if you get my drift. Penny didn't look impressed.

I have nothing better than this. Julia sighed and lost her neutral face.

Wait. Penny seemed concerned over Julia's distress and ran into her room and came back with a glittery little thing. Here, put it on.

Penny went to the bathroom. She put on the glittery thing. It felt a bit tight, but it looked okay. Her new bra was visible, but she had seen other girls wear it like that. Penny nodded in approval when she came out. Slut.

I don't want to look like a slut.

No, it's good, he will like it.

Penny left her to talk with some people that had just arrived. Julia looked out over the room, she could count almost thirty people crammed in the living room, all laughing and talking. Julia could barely hear her own thoughts. She walked around observing people from a distance for a while.

A warm breath touched Julia's ear and she turned around, it was Penny. She had beads of sweat on her forehead and a little mascara smeared under her eye.

Here's Kevin I told you about, and this is Alex.

Alex said hello but barely looked at Julia, he had his eyes on Penny and he pulled her arm. Penny wriggled herself loose from his grip only to be caught again, this time Alex pressed himself against her butt. Alex nodded to Kevin and pulled away with Penny. She and Kevin were left alone facing each other. What would she say, Julia felt her cheeks blush and she wished Penny hadn't left her. He looked good, tall and with clear, blue eyes.

Would you like something to drink? she managed to blurt out.

I already have something, he nodded at the glass he had in his hand

Oh, of course. Julia did not know what to do or say. Kevin seemed to feel her embarrassment. He chugged the contents of his glass.

Now I need more.

Julia led him to the kitchen. There was a mess of alcohol bottles and mugs and crumbled chips. She saw that the vodka bottle had been taken out from its cabinet and was almost empty. Penny wasn't there to supervise; her father would be furious. Julia took the vodka bottle and poured a glass for herself and Kevin. Kevin chugged the glass once more. Julia wanted to do the same, but it was so strong that she had to take small sips at a time. She hid the nausea that emerged. Vodka really wasn't her thing. She quickly felt the effect of it and her head started spinning a bit. She felt how it started to numb her fingers and she couldn't help but giggle. She was a lightweight.

She noticed that Kevin's fly was open. He saw that she saw and took her hand and put it over it. Julia's heart beat hard, she hadn't expected that. The denim fabric was rough. She worked her hand in a little. It was hard and soft at the same time. And warm. She suddenly felt shy and embarrassed and pulled her hand away. That's when Kevin kissed her, it tasted like cigarettes and alcohol, and a strong perfume radiated from his shirt. Julia kissed him back. Kevin's hands eagerly explored her body. It was happening.

Come, he whispered in her ear.

Where?

Away from everyone here.

Okay. She felt bubbly with nervousness and excitement.

They went outside, the cool evening air hit Julia and made her head clear up a bit and she was shy again. Kevin didn't seem to care and started kissing her some more, and tried to unbutton her jeans.

Wait. Julia put her hand over her fly.

If you don't want to, I can do it from behind. He looked a bit drunk.

Julia felt a little panicked. What was he talking about, anal? No, that sounds horrible, she thought. She absolutely didn't want to do that. But Kevin was eager and pushed her to answer by sticking a finger in her panties.

No, I prefer to do it the normal way, she said, wishing she would have had more time to get to know him first.

Kevin pulled Julia away from the patio and the light and pushed her down onto the grass. It tickled her. He pulled off her pants first and then pulled down his own. Julia barely had time to see it before he pushed herself into her. It hurt a little. Not exactly as she had  imagined it to be. She tried to kiss him. He kissed back without much enthusiasm. He lifted himself up and interrupted the kiss, moving faster now, Julia was lying in an uncomfortable position and before she had time to find a good one he moaned and pulled himself out of her. Did he come already?

Are you done? Julia hid her surprise quite badly.

Yes.

Julia tried to kiss Kevin again who pulled away from her.

I need a cig, you came, right? He brushed of some grass from his trousers before he pulled them on.

Yes, I did, she answered automatically.

See you later.

Julia was still lying in the grass. It hurt a little down there. That's how it was. Sex. Not very nice at all.

She stood up and brushed herself off, went into the house again, and didn't see Kevin anywhere. She felt sober, wondered where Penny was, and opened the door to her room. There were three people entangled on the bed, one was probably Penny. She didn't want to disturb them so she went to the toilet. There was vomit in the sink. Her germaphobia screamed at her and she had to get out of there immediately. She took the whole toilet roll and went downstairs, down the hall, and out into the summer night. She walked along the road towards the bus stop and stopped behind a tree and cleaned herself up. Some streak of pink and something else. 

She turned on the music on her phone, put her headphones in her ears and pushed away an uncomfortable feeling.

Julia's father hadn't noticed that she had come home in the middle of the night, she had said that she would sleep over at Penny’s. There was beer cans in the bag behind the front door. He was lying on the couch snoring. The wrinkle between his eyes was gone and he looked almost peaceful. A gap in the curtain let some moonlight into the living room. She closed it, he would probably sleep for a while.

Julia woke up a couple of hours later still sleepy and with a hint of nausea. She looked at her cell phone, eight text messages from Penny. Nothing from Kevin. Did he even  have her number? Penny's first message was mostly misspelled words that didn't make any sense at all, she had probably gotten really drunk yesterday. Text number five was almost readable. Something about vomit everywhere and that the vodka was gone. The last text message was written in large letters, CALL ME!

Julia didn't feel like calling her yet, she opened the fridge instead. There was nothing to eat. She felt fat and ugly. Grabbing a banana and a glass of milk, she ate it with a guilty conscious.

She thought about the night before, but pushed away the picture of Kevin. It wasn’t at all as she imagined it would be, she almost felt bad about it, disappointed to say the least. But she was not going to tell Penny that.

She checked Facebook, she found Kevin and clicked on Add friend hoping he would accept her request. They could meet another time.

Julia heard her father turn on the sofa and hurried to gather her things. School didn't start until eleven o'clock, so she thought about stopping by the youth clinic and asking for a morning-after pill, the last thing she needed was to get pregnant. On the way there, she called Penny who didn't answer. She was probably sleeping.

The youth clinic smelled good as usual, there was a puttering sound from a coffee machine and newspapers were lying in sloppy piles on a small table next to a large red soft sofa she always got sleepy from sitting in. She usually went there once a week to talk. When her parents divorced a few months ago, her mother had told her she should go there and talk and sort out her feelings, and as the good girl she was, she did.

She hadn't talked to her mother for a long time now, it all had blown up to a big conflict later on. But Matthias, the therapist she got, was like a little flash of light every week where she could speak freely and get help processing everything and knowing that it stayed there in that room.

A door opened a couple of steps away and a woman looked out, Julia was the only one in the waiting room so she waved her in. Magdalena was written on her name tag, she seemed a bit harsh.

Hello, I'm Magdalena.

I’m Julia.

Have I seen you anywhere before? She looked at her from top to bottom with a critical eye.

I see Matthias usually, Julia's voice was low.

Ah, that explains it, what is on your mind today?

I would like a morning-after pill.

Have you had unprotected sex?

Yes. She couldn't help but blush.

When?

Yesterday.

Okay, then it's still okay to take a pill, you will bleed just a little, similar to your period, but lighter. You can take an aspirin if it hurts.

Okay, Julia felt relieved.  It wasn't too late.

Magdalena stood up and left the room, she soon came back and put a pill in Julia's hand and filled a plastic cup with water and handed it to her.

You know that you are not protected from sexually transmitted diseases if you have sex without a condom? You should use a condom because it is the only thing that protects against it. And the morning-after pill is not a long-term solution. She looked severe when she spoke making Julia feel uncomfortable.

Okay, but I don't think there is anything to worry about right now.

How could you be so sure? Take this brochure so you could read and think about it, and here is one about contraception.

I don’t need that, we're not together. But Julia took the brochures to please her.

Magdalena looked worried.

I highly recommend you use a condom anyway, you could take some with you. She handed a basket to Julia who blushed again, but took a handful of different colored glossy packages. If it happens again, she thought.

Do you want to talk about yesterday?

No, everything is fine. Thanks for the pill. Julia avoided her eyes.

Okay, but next time think about the potential diseases. Magdalena looked a little annoyed.

Julia didn't feel like talking to Magdalena, she didn't like that she took it for granted that there would be a next time. Julia got up and walked towards the door. She felt dirty and without knowing why, she felt the tears burning behind her eyelids. She stopped to tie her shoelaces and Matthias came out of his room. Julia, who was fighting against tears, tried to hide her face by concentrating on her shoes.

Hello, Magdalena said you were here, is everything alright?

Yeah, I’m good.

Are you sure? Magdalena seemed worried. His voice was warm.

I'm fine.

Well that's good, we have an appointment on Wednesday, if I remember correctly?

Yes, see you then, I have to go to the bus otherwise I will be late for school.

Of course.

Julia wiped a small tear with the back of her hand. She looked up. Matthias was wearing a homemade sweater. He looked like a bear anyone would die to get a hug from.

You look a little sad Julia, but I understand if you have to hurry to get to school now. He looked at her with a blend of worry and warmth. Julia imagined for a second that he had been lying in the grass with her instead of Kevin.

Goodbye, see you on Wednesday! She said and blushed, he couldn't know what she had been thinking.

Bye, I mean it Julia, take care of yourself.

Yes, I will.

Penny called her when she was on the bus.

I'm so fucked.

Why?

Lots of things broke yesterday and the vodka is gone and someone vomited in the sink and all over the hall.

Oh my god, disgusting! She shuddered from the memory of the sink.

Dad came home earlier from his trip, he is so fucking angry, I can't live there anymore and I have to give him two thousand crowns for the alcohol and a rug that he had to throw away.

What did your mother say?

I don't know, I'm on my way there now, you have to help me pay for the vodka. She sounded angry.

I drank almost nothing and I have no money.

What about me? I don't have two thousand crowns.

I could give you three hundred, but can't you also ask they guy you were with? Don't remember his name.

Alex? He's an asshole by the way. Ran as soon as it got out of hand. Thanks for that.

What a jerk. Just like Kevin had been.

Right, I saw that Kevin changed his status on Facebook this morning, he probably got back together with his girlfriend.

Seriously? We had sex yesterday. Julia felt suddenly cold.

Congratulations, how was it? Penny laughed.

I don't know, okay I guess, it was fast. She tried to digest that he had cheated on his girlfriend with her.

Typical men. Penny sounded overly happy, like it was something to laugh about.

Guess I was nothing to him then.

I hope you didn't think you would become a couple after, it was just sex.

So he was basically still with her when we did it. She ignored Penny's comment.

Yes I guess you could say that, but what does it matter, now you are no longer a virgin.

No, but still. I have to go now. She had arrived at her station.

Yeah, see you later.

Yeah, goodbye. Julia hung up. She felt disgusted and stupid. She thought she might have meant something to him, or that it could have become something. Just a quick fuck.

The school was full of life and noise when she arrived, it made Julia come out of her temporary depression.

Her friend Nicki was walking towards her. She was pale as a ghost and wore a sweater with holes, and sloppy shoes she had painted black herself with texture paint. Cool.

You have to see this, Nicki said, sounding exited.

See what?

Maya's painting, it’s sick.

They hurried to class and entered. Maya was not there as luck would have it. Julia had never liked Maya. She seemed to be a problem child, always looking for attention. Maya didn't seem to like her either, she almost never talked to Julia even though they were sometimes divided into the same group. The teacher, Lisvor, seemed to think she was like a fragile bird or something. Julia felt like a brown nothing.

Of course, the painting made everyone catch their breath. She had painted a big, somehow abstract, cock and a young girl kissing it. Julia felt strangely jealous of the girl and all the attention she was receiving.

What do you think? Nicki looked at Julia wonderingly.

Brutal?

Yes, it's sick. She needs to take it home when it is dry, I heard Lisvor say that to Maya.

It makes sense, it's scandalous. I wish I could paint like that though, but not cocks of course.

You could do that. Nicki sounded honest.

No, certainly not, but you could.

Maybe, but I would not like to paint that motif either. She twirled a twist of black hair between her fingers and concentrated at the painting.

Lisvor, their teacher, came in and asked them what they thought of Maya's painting.

She may not be feeling so well, said Julia.

Maybe not, art is often a way of expressing emotions. But enough with that, today we will draw still life with pencil. Lisvor looked at Julia.

Julia felt the pressure coming, she found it difficult to draw with pencils. Oil was her thing if she could choose. Nicki and Julia sat next to each other and tried to draw a cup and an eraser. Nicki's was going pretty well. Julia's eraser looked like an ugly square. Lisvor came up behind them.

It is all about the light. Try to make some shadow underneath.

Julia tried and it looked much better. Lisvor saw another sheet of paper under the one that Julia was working on, she pulled it out. It was a picture of a very skinny girl.

Isn't she a bit too thin?

No, it’s supposed to be like that. Julia didn't look Lisvor in the eyes.

Almost a skeleton, it's a nice drawing though. She didn't comment on it anymore, but she hadn’t sounded negative, only curious.

Thanks.

What do you think of mine? Nicki showed a picture of a very anatomically correct anorexic girl.

Also very thin.

It is the prettiest though. Visible collarbones are the finest there is. Nicki added a little pencil to it.

You two are beautiful as you are, but now you should return to your still-life, you could continue on these later on your free time.

She left them and for a moment Julia envied her, she was a beautiful woman, a bit eccentric, but slender with a curly, light brown hair. Almost golden.

––––––––

Yesterday I found a website with only anorexic girls chatting on it. A lot of good tips, Nicki spoke softly so no one could hear.

What tips?

About how to lose weight, like how to quench hunger and stuff. I could send it later.

Yes, please. But you are just fine the way you are, you don't have to lose weight.

I need to, I'm fat and I hate my body, Her eyes were dark when she said it.

I feel you, I need to lose weight myself. By the way, I had sex yesterday.

Oh, and you only say that now! How was it?

I don't know. It went really fast, and it even hurt a bit. And now he is back together with another girl so it feels pretty bad actually. I had no idea.

What a prick, I'm so sorry!

Thanks.

My first time was like that, too. Fucking disgusting.

Yuck!

Lisvor approached their table so they pretended to concentrate on their still-life.

Julia looked at her watch. The class would be over soon. Lisvor stayed close to them so they painted in silence until the class ended. They parted ways as they had different subjects to attend to.

When she finished school for the day Julia went to the subway. She texted with Penny and they decided to meet up, her brother and mother would not be home until late.

When Julia arrived, Penny opened the door wearing only a bra and underwear.

Mom is pissed because I ate all her expensive muesli.

Did you puke it up?

Yes, couldn't stop.

Julia looked at Penny, she was not as thin as before when they first started hanging out, at that time Penny had just come home after a couple of weeks at some treatment home for anorexia. Julia did not know why but she had called Penny and made contact. They had not hung out much before but had been in the same basketball team when they were younger, Julia had heard about Penny's situation through another friend. She remembered how no one even seemed to have noticed that she had lost so much weight. She had been a bit overweight before, so people just thought it was healthy. She also always wore big sweaters. 

One day she had been blue in the lips when she arrived to practice, and she had not come anymore after that and no one knew anything. 

Penny was far from free from her eating disorder but it had changed form from anorexia to bulimia. Julia, who was thinking more and more about her weight, thought it was quite liberating to really be able to talk about her own thoughts with Penny, and it felt good to be friends with someone who had parties and knew where they were in life. Julia was good at school, enjoyed doing well, and that people thought she was kind and such, but she felt a great frustration that calmed down a bit when she hung out with Penny. Julia and Penny were opposites and under normal circumstances they would probably not have been friends, but Julia longed to vent, and it was exciting to be with Penny, and Penny longed for someone who cared about her. Approved of her as she was with her eating disorder and all.

Penny sat down at the computer and checked her Facebook.

I had a threesome at the party.

Julia remembered the scene when she had opened the door to Penny's room.

How was it? she tried to sound neutral.

It was so fucking hot.

How do you always get who you want?

I don’t want them, I want Lawan to come to Sweden. She sounded frustrated.

Do you think he will ever do that?

Lawan was Penny's Thai boyfriend she had met there, her father often traveled there. Sometimes he took Penny with him. On the last trip she had met a guy, he was about the same age as Penny, maybe a little older.

How are you going to get there now that your dad is angry?

I don’t know, but if I don’t get help, I intend to earn the money for the trip myself.

Does he know you had sex?

Dad?

No, Lawan?

No, never! He would kill me if he knew, she said, looking really serious.

But why did you have sex then? Julia sighed.

Because I wanted to, you had sex with someone who was still with his girlfriend.

Yes, but I didn't know that, you could have told me. Julia couldn’t keep her neutral expression, unable to help sounding irritated.

You could find out the facts yourself.

He hasn’t accepted me on Facebook.

Why would he? He don't want to be in contact with you, what if his girlfriend found out?

Whatever, we should go to another party soon, Julia changed subject.

Yes, but I have no money, Dad will get everything I have for the booze and I don’t even have enough as it is now.

Right, I have your three hundred crowns with me, by the way.

Julia went out into the hall and picked up her wallet. Clothes and towels were thrown on the floor in a mess. It smelled a little sour actually.

Penny stood in the kitchen whipping skim milk with a milk frother when Julia returned. She filled two cups of boiling water from the kettle and put a lot of instant coffee in them, giving a cup to Julia.

I will go shopping later, there is a sale for brewed coffee at the store today. Mum will be happy.

Then you could buy new muesli, too.

Yes. Last night I ate an entire loaf of bread with all the cheese and butter that was left. I was so sick. Mum was really pissed this morning.

How could you eat it all?

I can't stop. She looked sincere about it.

Is it hard to vomit after?

No, I just bend over the toilet and put my fingers in my throat.

Why did you start that?

A girl at the home showed me. You had to, the staff exaggerated a lot with what you had to eat. Two centimeters of butter on a sandwich. Penny sipped on her coffee and looked out of the window.

Ugh, did everyone eat it?

Yes, you had a person sitting next to you checking that you did.

Julia thought about how Penny's ribs were still visible. She felt ugly and wanted to be slim, too.

When I get home I'm going for a jog, Julia finished her coffee and put the cup in the sink.

I'm going to the gym before the store.

Do you like the gym?

Yes because you can train everything, running, lifting weights and more.

Maybe I should get a gym card and start going after school.

Yeah, you should.

Penny threw things into a backpack and opened a sticky tube of mascara and fixed her lashes.

Fuck, my mascara is almost finished.

Julia put on her jacket and waited at the door. Penny came and rummaged through her mother's jacket pockets, finding fifty crowns.

I need to buy cigarettes.

Julia and Penny left, there was a Santa Claus statue on the stairs, the colors faded. Penny smoked her last cigarette and when she finished, she put it out on Santa's head and threw the butt in the flowerbed. They said goodbye, Julia went to the bus and Penny decided to walk towards the small shopping center close to her mother’s to buy food and cigarettes. On the bus, she ate two whole chocolate bars that she had bought at the station earlier. She regretted it immediately and felt fat and disgusted.

The door to the house was never locked so Julia opened it and stepped inside. There was a smell of food in the hall. The bag of beer cans was gone. Julia hung up her jacket and tied up her shoes, it felt good to be home. Her dad opened the door and asked Julia to take the garbage out. She just took her shoes off but put them back on. When she came back, food was on the table. Her dad looked at her angrily. In his hand he held something red and glossy.

Why do you eat this shit before dinner? He had looked in Julia's bag and found the wrappers from the chocolate bar.

I was hungry, she felt her face turn red.

This is disrespectful when I have been cooking good food. You'll get fat from this shit.

I didn't mean to eat it, but I didn't know if you were sleeping or not.

Her dad squeezed her stomach and didn’t say anything. You should go out and run later.

Okay.  No point in saying no.

They sat down and ate in silence. The food was good, but Julia wasn't hungry. She felt stupid and ashamed.

After the meal, she changed into saggy joggers and a t-shirt. Outside, the air was humid and a little cold. Summer was always too short, she was not ready for winter yet. Julia stretched her legs, thinking about what Penny said before and sneaked in again and took her toothbrush from the bathroom. She ran long and fast until she felt a stitch in her side. She would burn all the calories from before, her father could count on that. She entered a lush path that led straight into the forest. A few hundred meters in she came to a dark swamp. She often went here to sit and think.

She took off her shoes and spread her toes in the moss. The water looked almost black in the evening. She wanted to take one last dip before it got really cold outside. She undressed and went down the small sandbank and waded out into the water and let herself soak in the black water. It was freezing cold. Her nipples contracted and she ran her fingers over them. Kevin had touched them. Not nicely but hectic and insensitive. She thought of Matthias and wished he was there with her now. She wanted to try again and see if it could be better. She imagined him naked. He would be gentle with her, she thought.

She got a thick feeling in her throat and swam one lap before getting up. She saw her pale body in the reflection of the water and felt ugly. Ugly and disgusting. Matthias would never even look at her and he was just an impossible fantasy. She didn’t care that she was wet, she put on her clothes anyway, she felt in a hurry all of a sudden and continued on the path. Julia held the toothbrush in her hand and went behind a large spruce. Idiocy. She felt stupid. She shoved the toothbrush into her mouth, it hurt and the saliva started to flow. But no nausea, no gag reflex. She pushed it in again and it made it even worse. Saliva flowed down the wrist. She felt a burst of nausea and shivered, but nothing came. She tried three more times but managed nothing more than getting a salivated hand and a burning pain in her throat. Such a failure. How could she not succeed in vomiting? It was supposed to work with the toothbrush. She didn't dare to try again because of the pain she felt. Her heart was pounding and she felt that her face was swollen.

On the way home it started to rain. Few things were as nice as running in a drizzle. It conveniently gave a reason as to why her face was swollen, she would say it was the rain. At home, her father was happy again. They watched TV and ate ice cream together. After, she said she wanted go to bed early, to study a little before her history test, but it was hard to focus. She felt dull and quite empty. And fat.

Chapter 2.

The day after, before lunch, Julia had an appointment with the school counselor. She liked the counselor, maybe she liked Matthias more, hard to know, they were so different. Amanda was much more youthful and could talk about herself sometimes. They were close for another reason as well. A while ago, when Julia did not feel like answering when her mother called a few days in a row, her mother had called the school principal and said that Julia's father was an alcoholic who forbade her to