Total New Beginnings

By Ann M Pratley

In her early adulthood, Debbie made a choice. She had two men who loved her. She chose one. She lost the friendship of the other. Twenty years on, horrific tragedy strikes. Mother to three grown children, she has to find the strength to be there for them, while pushing her own grief aside.

Dealing with the loss of the man who has been by her side for two decades pushes her into depression. Every day seems harder to deal with than the last. The feeling of loss is further heightened by finding her husband's lifetime of journals. Hesitant at first to look inside them, she eventually does. Almost instantly, she regrets that decision. In the years of her husband's writing, she reads things that lead her to seriously question whether she ever really knew him at all, or if they had actually been strangers for two decades.
The combination of the loss of her husband, and the uncertainty about who he truly was, pushes her to retire into a dark room and have no desire to leave. She wants to shut out the world. She wants to not believe what she knows in her heart is real.

With her youngest daughter, Poppy, still living at home, Debbie is eventually pulled from the darkness by her daughter's pleas. Finally, the dark days start to fade, and Debbie begins to see the sun shining once more. She can find the strength to keep going. She can start to move into a period of recovery and growth. Finally, she can accept that it's okay to accept help and lean on others.

As she starts rediscovering her ability to embrace life again, results appear from her daughter's determination to help her mother. Someone from her past is brought back into her life. A friendship is re-established. It's time to let go of the past and begin a new future. It's time for total new beginnings.

Did you ever hear the words in your head ... 'what if'? What if you chose one path earlier in life but later had the chance to walk down the path previously unchosen? Would you?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ann M Pratley
• Release date: Jun 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215648360

Ann M Pratley

Ann M Pratley has a simple passion for words and writing of all kinds, and far too many stories in her head.

Book preview

Total New

Beginnings

~~ Total Freedom Series ~~

Book Two

ANN M PRATLEY

BY ANN M PRATLEY

Chisholm Manor Series

Alessandra

Elizabeth

Power Moore Investigation Tales

Hoonigan

Resolution of Happiness

Home by the Sea

Tiger in Our House

Forbidden Conflicts Series

Amethyst of Youth

Ruby of Law

Diamond of War

Sapphire of Prejudice

Emerald of Wisdom

Freedom of Flight Series

Christian

Brandon

Trinity

Painful Deliverance Series

Painful Deliverance

Darkness of Heart

Friendship of Desire

Golden Desires Series

The Golden Desires

The Golden Supremacy

The Golden Unity

Copyright © 2016 Ann M Pratley

All rights reserved.

ISBN 9798215648360

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

1 ~ THE MOMENT OF IMPACT

I remember clearly now, what I was thinking at that precise moment - the moment of impact. Steven and I had been out for dinner in celebration of our wedding anniversary. I remember looking at him as he was driving us home. As I sat and watched him, my mind was cast back to when we'd first met, all those years ago. We were so young, and I remembered, at the time, having a small amount of doubt in my mind. A small amount of doubt about whether he really was the man I was supposed to be in a relationship with, or if my path had been chosen long before I'd even met Steven. If perhaps he was never the man I should have been with at all.

I was so young then. Now, being so much older and supposedly wiser, I could see how illogical some of my decisions were. It had been a crazy time with being a vocalist in a band, doing tours through my home country of New Zealand, and neighbouring country Australia. Even though I was so young, all of that was wrapped up around getting married to Steven, and starting our family together. He and I had together brought into the world three wonderful daughters. Each was now going through their own stages of beginning their own lives, and making decisions as young adults.

As I sat in our car on our anniversary night, looking at him, I knew that I did love Steven. I'd always loved him. Even looking at him on that night, with both of us being in our 40s, I still found him attractive. His body had changed over time, but so had mine. We weren't in great shape, but when I looked at his face, I still saw a handsome man. I loved his eyes and his smile. I loved the way he could look at me and tell me just through that, how much I meant to him.

In and around our many long years together, however, there had always been a question hanging over me. Always not far from my heart was the question of whether he was the only man I loved, or if, even now, someone from my past still held a special place in my heart.

If Steven and I had ever had that discussion, he would have known who the other possible person was. He had seen Craig and me together so many times. He'd also made it well known to me that he didn't like the friendship. In fact, if I were completely honest with myself, Steven had heavily resented the friendship I shared with another man. Since Steven and I had attended Craig's wedding in Italy, when our two eldest daughters were small, Steven had never mentioned Craig again. He had never again brought up the name of the man he'd always seen as his adversary - his competition. Out of respect for him, neither had I.

The anniversary dinner that night had been a nice surprise. Consistently, right throughout our marriage, Steven had always been extremely thoughtful and giving to me. He had always been a generous man, a loving husband, and an amazing father. As I sat beside him in our car and looked at him, really there was nothing that he'd ever done that would have ever made me question if I loved him. But sometimes I had felt like there was an unknown aspect to our marriage - like I never quite gave all of myself to him. Sometimes I wondered if, right from the very first moment I'd met him at my flat-warming party that night, I had ever given all of myself to him.

I could see our entire two-decade relationship pass before me in my thoughtfulness. When I'd first met Steven, he hadn't been able to walk. At that time, he'd been confined to a wheelchair after a cycling accident years before I met him. His not being able to walk had never bothered me. We seemed to get on with our lives and make things work through our youthful blend of eagerness, patience, and experimentation.

The day I returned from an Australian tour with the band and saw Steven at the airport, wobbly but definitely standing, still remained the most surprising day of my life. I think that was the day that sealed Craig as a friend who would leave and possibly never come back into my life ever again. It was something Steven had always seen Craig as being 'one up on' against him. I don't think my friendship with Craig would ever have been the same again after that.

But then, perhaps I was deluding myself, and it wasn't Steven suddenly finding his legs that had made Craig anxious at all. Instead, it was more likely the fact that Craig and I had finally crossed that line of friendship when we'd been in Australia. It had only been that one time, but one time was still one time. One time was enough for new emotions to be experienced, and feelings to be sealed.

Even in that, Steven had been unbelievably amazing. He had known when he saw me on our arrival back home, that something had happened between Craig and me. When he'd asked me about it, I'd had no hesitation in telling him the truth. It had been so incredibly wrong to be unfaithful to him. Regardless, he seemed to make the decision then to push past it and not let it affect our marriage or our family. And it hadn't. He had held himself together during the last few weeks that Craig was in our lives, and he'd endured the short time we saw Craig at the wedding in Italy. After that, Craig was never mentioned again.

For me, there had been an intense sadness in the loss of such a close friendship. At the same time, it was easy for me to see and feel that it was best to cut the ties. Perhaps it was the only way that Craig and I could both get on and live our respective lives with our respective partners.

As all of this ran through my mind, I kept looking at Steven. Eventually, he turned to me with a smile that said he was curious about my thoughtfulness.

What are you thinking about so deeply? he asked me.

I looked at him in silence for a few moments longer before I pulled myself from my reverie and smiled back at him.

I really do love you, Steven, I said and saw his face instantly changed from curious to almost alarm.

"Debbie, why are you saying that … like that?"

Like what?

Like it's the last thing you're going to say to me. Like you're going to add a 'but' to the end of that statement.

I sat quietly for a moment, immediately regretful that I'd spoken the words - regretful that I'd said anything. Sometimes it was just the way when I had conversations with Steven. Something about his reaction would make me feel like I was being an annoyance, or an inconvenience to him. It had always been that way, but it had become more pronounced since the birth of our third child, Poppy, after we came back from Italy. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I found myself, on occasion, wondering not only whether Steven was the right person for me, but whether I was the right person for him. I couldn't help but sometimes wonder if he might have been happier if he'd met and married someone else.

My thoughts were going to places I didn't want them to go. To think such things wasn't right. In my head, I told myself off and then smiled at him before I spoke.

I just love you, I said, feeling the truth of that in my heart. There's no 'but' to follow on from that.

He turned his eyes back to the road for a few minutes, but I could see on his face that his mind was churning. It seemed as if he were looking for an answer to a question that hadn't even been asked. I let him think about whatever he was deep in thought about, turning my head so I was looking straight ahead of us. I found myself determined to not attempt to speak any more for the rest of the short journey we had to go to get home.

Debbie, he finally said to me, pulling my attention back to him in response to the depth of emotion in his voice right then. I love you too. I always have.

I heard those last few words come out of his mouth. I saw his mouth moving as they could be heard inside my head.

But at the same time as he was speaking to me and looking at me, I also saw with great horror - my mind playing the scene in agonizingly slow motion - a white van that suddenly seemed to come out of nowhere and plunge straight into Steven's side of our car.

2 ~ THE AWAKENING

When I woke up, I was greeted by excessively bright light, and the sound of voices around me. Immediately after opening my eyes, I shut them again. I forced myself to take a moment to just listen and take note of the intense pain flowing throughout my body. I could identify some of the voices in the background. One was the voice of my youngest daughter, Poppy, with her still-too-teenage way of speaking. I could also hear the voice of my middle daughter, Samantha. As always, they were getting heated in their discussion. They were two and a half years apart in age, but many more years apart in maturity.

Why isn't Christine here? Poppy was asking with her usual impatience.

I heard Samantha sigh before another voice - Samantha's partner, Leo - jumped into the conversation, frustration evident in the sound of his words.

Poppy, we've already told you that your sister is on her way here from Perth, he said. It takes time to get here, with so many flights for her to catch, so we have to just be patient.

Ahh, Leo, I thought to myself as I lay there quietly. He was the same age as Samantha, so a young man, but someone I had instantly liked when I'd met him. He was good for her. I'd been worried when the two of them had wanted to run away to Australia together a year earlier. Since then, however, they'd proved to be responsible and doing well in their new life together in Sydney.

"Well, she has to give the news about Dad. I'm not going to," Poppy said. Then there was only silence.

I lay still, trying to comprehend what she might be talking about. Suddenly a pain far more unbearable than the previous ones, shot through my torso, making me shout out as I opened my eyes again.

Mum! I heard Samantha call out to me as she moved close to me with what seemed like an alarming speed. "Poppy, get a nurse! Quickly! Tell them Mum is awake."

The pain was excruciating, but I was more stunned to realise then that I was in a hospital. For that moment, I couldn't remember how I got there, or what I'd been doing that would have ended up with me being there.

Almost immediately, a nurse seemed to come running in, with a doctor close behind.

Mrs Chalmers, the latter said to me as they came closer. Can you hear me? she asked and I nodded, feeling extremely confused. Do you know where you are? she asked. She nodded at me when I told her my observation. Good. You were in a car accident. Do you remember that?

At the sound of those words - car accident - I was fully reminded of the last thing I'd seen.

Steven! I called out, finally remembering where we'd been, and that we had been on our way home.

All of a sudden, I was fully awake, and very aware of the faces of both of my daughters.

Please keep calm, Mrs Chalmers. Your body is healing from the accident, but you'll feel considerable pain for some time yet, the doctor said to me. She spoke in a quiet tone as she put her hand on my shoulder, as if to guide me to stay lying down.

Where is my husband? I asked, feeling dread deep in my heart. In the background, I heard Samantha sob out loud. I looked at the doctor and quietly asked her for confirmation. Dead?

The doctor sat on the edge of my bed and held my hand but nodded.

I'm so sorry, Mrs Chalmers, she said. He didn't survive the crash.

I heard the words but could only look at her. It was utterly inconceivable that Steven could suddenly just be … gone. He had been by my side for more than half of my life. He had supported me in so many things that I'd wanted to do, even right at the start of our relationship when I was in the band. When Christine had been born, I hadn't been able to face up to being an active mother, as postnatal depression had kicked in. Even from the confines of his wheelchair, Steven had gladly stepped up and taken full care of her. All through the time that Craig was my friend, Steven had hung in there. He'd even been a rock in my life after Craig and I had crossed that line in that hotel room that day. Even going to Craig's wedding - always, Steven was there, sharing his incredible strength with me in everything. He couldn't be just gone.

My mind worked quickly. The man who had stood beside me for two decades was no longer there. He never would be again.

I would grieve for him, but before that, my motherly instinct kicked in. I had to turn my attention to the two children in the room with me. They weren't children any longer, but they were still the offspring of me and Steven, and they had both deeply loved their dad.

As I held out my arms, Samantha and Poppy both came forward, as if they'd been afraid to but now finally had permission. Hearing them sobbing as they were, I found it easier to not deal with the news yet. It made it easier to put it off, and pretend that it wasn't the news they were upset about. For that moment, I could pretend they were little children again, and they were just crying about falling over and hurting their knees, or someone taking their toy. It wasn't real, but it was something I needed to do just to hold on to some strength for a while, so I could simply be there for my two girls. They were two incredible young women in their individual ways, but they'd just lost the major male in their life. Regardless of their age, they needed me. That had to be my focus.

In the background, I saw the doctor and nurse talking off to the side of my bed. I then felt pain medication flow through me, giving me some relief from the agony inside of me. At the same time, I noticed Leo standing by himself, off to the other side of my bed. Even he had tears in his eyes. I let myself be warmed with the belief that Samantha had found herself a good man. He had always seemed in awe of Steven due to Steven's success as a writer, I remembered. The two of them had gotten on extremely well, despite the times Steven and I had joked about what horrible in-laws we were going to be to our daughters' chosen life partners later on. That thought almost made me choke. There would be no weddings that Steven would see. There would be no weddings that my daughters would have their father at. It was an incredibly sad thing to suddenly flow through my thoughts.

As I saw Leo catch my eye, I smiled sadly at him to welcome him into our hug. Slowly, and initially reluctantly, he came forward and hugged also. Facing up to Steven's death could come later. At that moment, I just had to hang on for a while longer. I just needed to wait a little bit longer so I could give my strength to the young people to help them get through what had happened.

My thoughts veered off to Christine - our oldest daughter. Being older than Samantha by almost six years, she'd had the most one-on-one time with Steven, out of our three children. She was also the one he'd always felt closest to, due to the special bond they'd shared when she was a baby and I had been absent in heart, body, and mind.

She's coming. She'll be here tomorrow, Samantha said all of a sudden. It was as if she'd already anticipated the question I hadn't yet voiced. All three young people pulled away from me, then looked at me as if in expectation. We'll organise the funeral once she gets here, if you like.

I closely looked at my middle daughter. I could see so many of Steven's facial features in her. She'd been a mature child. Now she was a mature young adult. I held back the tears that threatened.

I don't think people rush to have funerals, Samantha. There's no hurry…

Mum, you've been in here for a week, Poppy threw into the conversation. Her words startled me and made me temporarily speechless.

What?

The accident was last Thursday night. It's now Friday … the following week.

I sat in silence, trying hard to not let the images flow through my mind that were so strongly trying to. Images of Steven through our life together. Images of him young, when we'd first met, and the day that we'd gotten married. Images of him through our children being born, our children starting school, and our children starting to talk about boys. All the serious discussions we had shared over the years, and all the laughs. But then that one final horrific image - the one where he told me he loved me - and then the white van…

I sucked in the deep sob that was trying hard to rupture, and desperately wanted to escape. Not yet, I kept telling myself. Hold on for just a bit longer. Give the girls the strength that they need from you now, and let yourself feel … later.

"We got the house ready for Christine and Gary when they arrive