Dictionary of English: The Udder Side

By P Subramaniam

A book for serious humour enthusiasts!Did you know that many words have a dark side, unbeknownst to most dictionaries? This book seeks to expose the debauched, the ribald, the irreverent and the non-conformist side of seemingly honest, God-fearing words and phrases and lay them bare for all to see.So here's a little sampler for you:Chaperone: A large contraceptive device recommended to you by your parents.Intuition: Sixth sense found in women. In men, it's tough to find even one.Pharaoh: Mummy who became daddy.Sex Appeal: A nocturnal begging ritual performed by husbands.Here's to the English language finally coming out of the closet Cheers!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fingerprint Publishing
• Release date: Jan 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9788172344856

Book preview

The last book I would ever pick up for a few laughs is the dictionary—it reminds me too much of my stern schoolmarm, always correct, omniscient, and literally having the last word in all matters. I had always wondered if one could bring the stodgy dictionary out of its Victorian closet and imbue it with some entertainment value, especially given the dearth of good humour ever since the inimitable PG Wodehouse met his Sunset at Blandings.

Truth be told, my trusted old dictionary is a great companion, and I have unabashedly turned to it many times for unravelling one troublesome word or two. At home, it occupies the pride of place on a little shelf outside the loo, ready to sermonise me as I engage in my ablutionary morning calisthenics. The words inside the dictionary have always had a magical allure to them. They always pull me deep into a state of reverie . . . and more often than not, it is a loud, persistent banging on the toilet doors that brings me back to the present.

On the flip side, my deep-seated research into words helped me see beyond their obvious import. Puns (the lowest form of wit, as someone has unkindly branded them) are handy, and though the English language abounds with them, a close, critical look at my tattered dictionary revealed that many words lend themselves to a much more liberal interpretation than most editors would admit to in public. Further, the smug, moral fabric of dictionaries had been driving me nuts and I felt that a little debauchery could be introduced to lighten them up.

I therefore put on my dour face, gritted my teeth (like most writers of humour do), and decided to chip away at words till they exuded at least a wan smile, if not a full chortle. Some alphabets were prolific, but others—like Q and Z—put up a stiff fight before being drawn into the humorous net. Finally, at the end of this exercise, I found myself sitting atop a pile of words with their bare bones sticking out and a small doubt nagging me—what if somebody reading my version of a word couldn’t conjure up the visual imagery needed to get their ribs tickled? I realised that I needed an illustrator to aid and abet this funny business. And this is where Mark Wood stepped in. I found his illustrations on the Internet and he was quite keen to work on this project when I approached him about it. The moment I saw the samples he sent, I knew that this was the real McCoy—an unexpected consonance, from across the seas—as he had visualized and drawn the illustrations exactly as I had imagined them!

That, in a nutshell, is what this book is all about—wit, sarcasm, ribaldry, and a wee bit of humour, punctuated by some really apt illustrations. This creative tome promises to bring you over a thousand redefined words highlighting the pliability of the English language and the pleasures of interpretation.

So go ahead, laugh at my expense!

– PV SUBRAMANIAM

PV SUBRAMANIAM is based in Mumbai, India. He is a dentist by profession, eking out a hand-to-mouth existence, but as a passionate writer, he believes in putting one’s money where one’s mouth is.

Afflicted by wanderlust, he has written several articles for travel and in-flight magazines. He is a voracious reader, and celebrates the pliability of the English language. He is serious enough to believe that humour is a dying art because people think that it is just for laughs. He loves nature and wildlife (including his wife), thinks he is a great photographer, and strongly espouses the cause of environmental conservation.

He also thinks that he can save the world.

Work on this book started many moons ago and several people have been crucial in bringing it to fruition.

I am indebted to my father, the late PV Vedanarayan, who was ever ready with his sparkling wit and wicked quips, in spite of being visually challenged. I thank my mother, PS Muthulakshmi, for nurturing Dad’s humour and passing the gene on to me!

This book would have been a boring tome, the size of the Mumbai Telephone Directory, had it not been for my loving wife, Sarita. Her unflinching appreciation of my brand of humour ensured that each entry was vetted by her. I thank her for her inestimable support at every stage during the making of this book . . . she is truly, my co-conspirator and collaborator in this work.

I shall place on record, my deep gratitude to Mark Wood whose brilliant illustrations breathed life into the words in this book.

Here’s to my literary agent, Priya Doraswamy, of Lotus Lane, for believing in the book and guiding me through every stage.

Thank you, Shikha Sabharwal and Arcopol Chaudhari of Fingerprint!, for harbouring the notion that this book is a good risk, and for publishing it.

Kudos to Gayatri Goswami, my editor, for her valuable