Scratch Marks & Catnip: My Hilarious Journey as a Cat Butler

By Noreen Gorman

When your furry feline overlord's name is Milo, you can be sure of one thing: life is never going to be boring!

 

Journey alongside our hilariously self-deprecating human hero as he navigates the trials, tribulations, and tummy rubs of living with a cat who's convinced he's royalty.

From mission: vet visits that transform into feline-themed heist movies, to operation hairball: a claw-some rebellion against the self-proclaimed master, the laughs come thick and fast in this paws-itively amusing tale. Laugh out loud at the relentless determination of our human to outsmart Milo, only to be outwitted at every turn by the cunning, cool, and endlessly entertaining kitty king.

 

Will he ever manage to be more than just a loyal butler in Milo's court? Can he adjust to a life where the alarm clock is a pair of paws on his face at the break of dawn? And will Milo ever let him use his laptop without helping to type?

 

In the End, Scratch Marks and Catnip: My Hilarious Journey as a Cat Butler is a hilarious tale about the joys and challenges of sharing your life with a feline friend who doesn't just believe but knows he's the center of the universe. Purr-pared for an adventurous ride filled with fur-flying antics, belly laughs, and maybe, just maybe, a few heartwarming moments that remind us why we let these furry tyrants rule our world. It's a story that shows, in the end, it's not the cats who need to be trained. It's us, their humble human servants.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Noreen Gorman
• Release date: Jun 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223339304

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Copyright

––––––––

Copyright © 2023 by Noreen Gorman

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: The Catnip Coronation: From Human to Butler

Chapter 2: Whiskers of Indifference: The Aloofness Challenge

Chapter 3:  Midnight Meows: The Nightlife of Milo.

Chapter 4: Gourmet Mouse: The Culinary Demands of My Feline Overlord

Chapter 5: Litterbox Lament: Duty Calls in the Most Literal Sense

Chapter 6: Purr-suasion Tactics: Decoding the Art of Feline Communication

Chapter 7: The Scratch Post Standoff: A Battle of Wills and Furniture

Chapter 8: Cat Yoga: Entertaining Twists and Turns in Feline Flexibility

Chapter 9: Laser Pointer Diplomacy: The Politics of Play

Chapter 10: Operation Kitty Capsule: The Best Laid Plans

Chapter 11: The Kitty Catwalk: High Fashion for Four Paws

Chapter 12: The Lap Land Standoff: Invasion of Personal Space

Chapter 13: Escape Artist Extraordinaire: A Cat and His Quest for Freedom

Chapter 14: Mission: Vet Visit - Operation Sneak-in Sneakers

Chapter 15: Unsolicited Gifts: The Half-Eaten Presents You Find in Your Shoes

Chapter 16: Operation Hairball: A Claw-some Attempt at Rebellion

Chapter 16: In the End, Cats Don't Care: Embracing My Inner Butler

Chapter 1: The Catnip Coronation: From Human to Butler

Milo is the perfect example of feline independence and eccentricity. He's the master of his domain and his human's life. With his majestic strut and aloof manner, he represents the age-old saying: Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Measuring in at a lordly 12 pounds, he has a luxurious, thick coat of midnight black, with a perfectly contrasting white patch shaped suspiciously like a crown on his chest. His large yellow eyes, like twin full moons, watch the world with a mix of curiosity and disdain. He boasts an impressive set of whiskers that fan out like antennae, continually probing his surroundings. His ears, always perked, catch even the slightest of sounds, whether it's the opening of a can or the quietest whisper of a bird outside the window.

Milo isn't just physically imposing. His personality is equally compelling. He has a cat's typical aloofness, mixed with a sense of superiority that could make a royal jealous. His usual expression is a half-lidded gaze of general contempt for the world, as if everything is beneath his notice. And when he reluctantly interacts with his human, it's clear that he's doing them a favor.

However, despite his often-indifferent attitude, Milo isn't entirely incapable of affection. He shows his love in typical cat fashion - in the middle of the night, with unsolicited 'gifts,' or by simply granting his human the honor of his presence. He's intelligent, cunning, and has a knack for getting into hilarious mischief, all while maintaining his regal composure.

In all, Milo is a larger-than-life character, a feline monarch ruling his domain with a velvet paw. With his head held high and tail flicking disdainfully, he strides through life with the certainty of his superiority, giving his snarky generosity to his dutiful human servant. And as his human, you can't help but fall in love with his haughty charisma and comical antics.

It all began on a Tuesday - or was it a Wednesday? Ah, who can remember? The days tend to blur when you've surrendered your life to a creature that possesses the attention span of a goldfish and the ego of a rock star. You see, on that fateful day, the household balance of power toppled faster than a cat swiping a water glass off the kitchen counter.

There I was, holding a shiny new bag of organic, home-grown catnip (the 'Champagne of Kitty Amusements', as the flashy label promised), ready to treat my beloved feline, Milo. I figured, if I was going to be the provider of joy, the messenger of the good stuff, then surely, I'd have some sway in our shared kingdom.

How wrong I was.

The second I twisted open that bag, Milo was on me like a tiger on a gazelle. His green eyes went wide as saucers, his purr revved up to the level of a diesel engine, and in his crazed frenzy, he managed to claw right through my favorite jeans. It was at that moment, while I held my now shredded denim, staring at my overstimulated, joy-drunk cat rolling ecstatically in a pile of catnip, that the proverbial light bulb flickered on.

I hadn't asserted dominance; I had merely applied for the position of chief catnip supplier in Milo's royal court. And the worst part? The cheeky fuzzball knew it. He looked up at me, a coating of catnip dusting his fur, and the glint in his eyes spoke volumes. It said, I own you, human.

The concept of dignity became a foreign one. There I was, mending my torn jeans with an 'I Love Cats' patch (oh, the irony), and fetching the Fancy Feast Canapés (because the regular old pâté was beneath Milo's royal palate). Every whim was my command to follow, every hairball a surprise gift for me to cherish (and clean). All while His Highness pranced around, high on catnip and victory.

As the days rolled on, I could only watch with a mixture of admiration and disbelief as my fluffball lord went from conqueror to considerate dictator. He'd casually pat my face at 3 AM, requesting attention. Or he'd strategically place a dead mouse on my laptop, his version of 'helping' with my work.

Yes, dear reader, the day I opened that catnip bag, I didn't just become a butler. I was knighted, crowned, and enthroned into the renowned order of cat servitude. I had become the Jeeves to this furry, four-legged Bertie Wooster, the Alfred to a whiskered Batman, the Carson to a very self-entitled Downton Tabby.

The coronation was complete. Long live Milo. Long live the Butler. And so, our tail - I mean, tale - begins. Spoiler alert: it involves a lot more hairballs, catnip, and unintentional claw manicures. So, tighten your bowties, fellow cat servants, it's going to be a wild ride!

Chapter 2: Whiskers of Indifference: The Aloofness Challenge

The Purring Puzzle: Winning Over Milo

When Milo first graced my humble home, I was determined to win over my feline friend, a task I assumed would be as simple as waving a shiny new toy or two. After all, how hard could it be to please a creature that spends half its life sleeping and the other half playing? In a word, very.

I embarked on a quest that involved multiple visits to the pet store, countless hours of online research, and a significant hit to my bank account. With every new toy, every catnip-stuffed mouse, every feathered wand, I hoped that this would be it, the golden ticket to Milo's affections.

My grand introduction of each toy, complete with drumrolls and dramatic speeches, were met with the aloof gaze of Milo. It was as if he found my attempts amusing, a little comedy show to break up his day. There I was, a grown man, performing an extravagant one-man show for a cat who would rather play with the packaging the toys came in than the toys themselves.

Look, Milo, I would announce, unveiling a state-of-the-art, rotating laser toy. His response? A twitch of his tail and a yawn that seemed to say, Oh, human, must you disturb my nap with your trifles? Yes, Milo was a master of feline indifference, a trait I was beginning to realize was as endearing as it was frustrating.

Each of my attempts to win him ended up in a tale of comic despair. Like the time I set up a sophisticated, multi-level cat tower. I pictured Milo lounging on the plush levels, lazily pawing at the dangling toys. The reality, however, involved him eyeing the