Confronted By His Love

By Cristy Sison

“What am I going say? How do I do this?” I whispered. My shoulders went down.
I looked at my blue dust-covered Bible; the pages were stuck to each other. My tears began to roll down once again.
“I’m desperate for an answer, Lord, and I know You have it all. I need You, help me. Earlier, I heard about Your promises. And I know them to be true, because I have received them. I experienced Your promises, my family did, we felt them. You have filled me with so much joy even as I grieve. There is no doubt now that it was from You. But how? Why? Why me!” I started with my eyes closed.
“Why would You give Your promises to me? To someone like me?” I honestly asked, face up, smiling.
I am just expecting to receive an answer! I kept my eyes closed for a few more minutes.
Then I opened my Bible.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798886859829

Book preview

cover.jpg

Confronted By His Love

Cristy Sison

Copyright © 2023 by Cristy Sison

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Celebration

Normal, Boring… Safe!

Dark Clouds Hovering over Us!

Here Comes the Rain!

It’s Flooding!

I’m Drowning!

Surrender

Providence

Valleys and Mountains

Pins and Needles!

Slipping Sand

Messages

Enduring!

The Introduction

Refuge

Strength and Courage

Anew

The Seasons for the Sisons

Potter’s Clay

Contents

Celebration 1

Normal, Boring… Safe! 14

Dark Clouds Hovering over Us! 23

Here Comes the Rain! 36

It’s Flooding! 45

I’m Drowning! 58

Surrender 64

Providence 77

Valleys and Mountains 97

Pins and Needles! 123

Slipping Sand 140

Messages 176

Enduring! 213

The Introduction 249

Refuge 262

Strength and Courage 291

Anew 321

The Seasons for the Sisons 339

Potter’s Clay 381

"If I could sing, I’ll go on every stage, on every flat form there is, or even on top of a bucket, just to sing my praises to You!

But I can’t sing!

If I could play any instrument, I would go out in every corner there is and play for You all night long, and tell everyone how great You are!

But I have no idea how to even hold a guitar right!

But what I have is a story—a beautiful love story—of a love I’ve never known before.

I know now that I am loved; well, we all are!

It’s the kind of love that we are all longing for.

This is a story of love so great that I want everyone to know.

Not for you to know me, but for everyone to know about Jesus!

Celebration

Olongapo City, Philippines, 78 miles Northwest of Manila, the country’s capital

September 15, 2012

I can hear my daughter, my eldest, my Ate Nikki, from the kitchen, giving instructions to our house help. She’s just fifteen years old, but she sounded like a forty-eight-year-old lady. I always laugh telling her that, and she doesn’t like it!

(Ate (ah-te) is a word added to a female’s name older than you, or it is also used to address someone you respect or someone who could be younger but with authority. On the other hand, we add the word Kuya (ku-ya) to a male’s name for the same reason.)

I always call her Ate Nikki, for her siblings to follow. But that is just who she is to everyone, especially to me!

Today was my boys’ birthday celebration. My second child, Lance, turned seven a week ago, and my youngest, Jacob, turned one a few days ago. We’re throwing them a big party.

This year has been the hardest for our family. Our youngest son was born with Down syndrome. I was devastated—we all were—when the news was broken to us. Then there’s the second diagnosis of a hearing loss; he failed the hearing test done few weeks after he was born. And again, his second test, when he was six months old. He has a bilateral, moderate to severe hearing loss. He started wearing his hearing aids when he was just eight months old. We did see a significant change after he started wearing them.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions since I gave birth to Jacob. But we’re trying to take everything in stride, braving each day with positive thoughts.

Then there’s Lance. He’s a very bright student. He loves to read—the encyclopedia! He loves facts, loves dinosaurs, specially. That’s his bedtime storybook. A few months ago, I saw him going back and forth to his notebook. I asked him what is he doing. He showed it to me. He was writing down the names of all the dinosaurs that he can remember, in perfect spelling, and it’s divided into three columns. I asked him what it means. He said he’s dividing them according to their diet—carnivores, herbivores, and omnivores! He was telling me there’s one more kind of diet actually, but he said it doesn’t really make sense to him! I did not dare to ask what it was.

One time, Lance was around five, Nikki called him when she saw a TV show about dinosaurs. To her surprise, after just two minutes, he stood up. Nikki asked him why he stopped watching.

The story is not even real. Those two dinosaurs—he pointed at the TV as he stood up—they can never be together. Those dinosaurs didn’t exist at the same time! he said then left the room.

Nikki’s jaw dropped! We all laughed.

Lance was the toughest newborn I ever had! I was literary crying taking care of him! He cries when I place him down; he knows if someone else is in the room, and he wouldn’t want anyone to hold him! I can’t take a shower; I can’t eat without him crying, and so I cry too—a lot! But as he grows up, he’s the easiest kid to deal with. Didn’t even need to remind him to do anything, show him once, he’s there. But it’s a different story when it comes with his Ate Nikki. They always argue. I guess Lance knew how much his Ate Nikki adores him.

For a year now, Lance was being monitored by a pediatric nephrologist. Since he always has UTI while growing up, we frequently have his urine checked. And they noticed that every time he’s sick, with even just a cough or colds, there’s always has a blood in his urine. We will know in the next few months what course of action is needed based on his lab results for one year.

For now, we need a break, focus on something else but the problem.

Today we celebrate life! Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

It’s just past six in the morning, I’m sipping my coffee standing in our kitchen island. I’m going through my check list for the party, last-minute shopping. I noticed a clear plastic envelope next to my pad. I know it’s Nikki’s. I can see through it; it’s a legal document, with an NSO (National Statistics Office) watermark in it. It’s Nikki’s certified true copy of her birth certificate. But I don’t remember ever processing this, nor did I need to. We have a lot of extra copy of everyone’s birth certificate and all have been certified, since we registered them at birth. To save us the trip just in case we need one. I went to my room, pulled out a small safe where all for our documents are. It’s easy to find Nikki’s file. Everyone has their own folder, color coded; Nikki’s is yellow. I opened it, first thing in every one’s file is their birth certificate. Pulled one out and compared it to the one in the envelope. The latter is colored and looks a lot different from ours.

Nikki was just coming out of our kitchen holding a list with a red marker and was about to placed it in the fridge.

Ate Nikki, what is this? I asked, pointing at her clear envelope. Where did you get this?

Oh, Mom…that’s a certified true copy of my birth certificate. One of our requirements for our college application, she answered.

I know, but where did you get this? I asked again. And why didn’t you tell me about it? We have a bunch of copy of this here.

I showed her the yellow file which she is too familiar with.

I went to NSO to get my own copy, and I processed too all my other requirements myself, she answered.

She saw my reaction, was about to tell her off, because she knew I don’t like her going out too far. Not without me, or not knowing where she went. So she beat me to it.

Relax, Mom. It’s okay, I’m safe. I’m still here, right? And it’s not like I had to travel all the way to the main office. They actually came to the city and all graduating students went to this one place to process all their requirements, she answered while fixing her hair up.

But why did you have to do all that? I asked again.

Well, I wanted to know if I can do it on my own. I’m going to college soon, Mom, need some practice! she said it with a big smile on her face and gave me a wink. Plus, I know your hands are full with the boys, so I don’t want to bother you with it, she added.

Oh, she’s so ready for college!

My heart sank. I’m not ready for this. She’s still my baby. I’m not ready to let her go just yet. I have not lost the argument with my husband, Zandro. I’m convincing him that we, the boys and I, should move to Manila with her. To rent an apartment, even just one bedroom, so we could be with Nikki while she’s studying. Rather than putting her on a dorm all by herself. And have our home rented out, for extra income.

Plus, I told my husband we will have more options for Jacob’s therapy there. We have no problem with Lance; there’s a lot more beautiful school for him there too.

My husband doesn’t agree with me. He wants me to let Nikki grow, learn things on her own.

It’s not that I don’t trust her. It’s the world that I don’t trust. But if I’m going to be honest to myself, I really rely on Nikki more than I should. It’s really me who needs her the most.

I was interrupted with my thoughts with Nikki’s hug.

Mom, I’m sorry I can’t help you around here this morning for the party. I did, however, set up a list for Ate Sheila.

Our neighbor who comes in thrice a week to help us around the house; she knows where everything is.

She knows which plates and curtains that’s needed to be set up, and other things.

Then, she looked at the clock.

We need to get going now, Mom. I don’t want to be late!

It’s her entrance exam day, to one of her choice colleges. It’s not until 7:30 a.m., though, but she wants to settle and relax before the exam. She’s always been like that. Since grade school, I always make sure that she’s ready one week before her exam. And the night before the exam she would just sleep and relax and not think about it.

But this last two years, something changed. Her close friends would come to our home and she would tutor them, usually in math.

And with the way she sounds every time they’re at home, I bet she’s been telling them to come a week before that. But they won’t listen to her! If their exam was in the afternoon, she would ask me to prepare breakfast and lunch for a couple more people because she would be teaching them. As soon as they arrive, she would be like, Didn’t I tell you to come here even at least two days early, but no…you all want to study on the day of the exam!

And she’s saying all these while handling them a questioner she made herself to help them study.

That’s how she aged so much, I think to myself, laughing.

Mom, let’s go! she shouted again while walking out.

I placed my coffee mug down, went to the boy’s room. Lance was already moving but still with eyes shut.

I kissed him and whispered, Sleep some more. It’s going to be a long day today!

I went to Jacob’s bed. He’s still fast asleep. Kissed him, ever so gentle to not wake him up. But my kiss is always tainted with worries. As we celebrate his first birthday, I can’t help but think, What will his future be like?

I stopped myself from feeling that way immediately. Today is a day of celebration. Life is a precious gift. That’s what today’s party is all about. To look forward with joy, to celebrate it with friends and family. And thank them too for their support. For loving and accepting our Darling Jacob, that’s how we call him.

We live up in a hill, the road going up is quite steep, but it’s practically still in the city. So I have to make sure I have everything we need before I go home. As I was about to start the pickup truck, I saw Nikki rubbing her forehead.

Are you okay? Do you have migraine again? I asked. This is something that she got from me, I think.

I’m okay, Mom. Didn’t really sleep well last night. But I’m fine now. Nothing to worry!

She dismissed me.

Then she placed a small plastic bag with red and blue rolled up paper inside my bag.

Mom, I need you to drop this first at the balloon place. They will put these inside the small balloons that’s going to drop when they pop the big one. It’s the name of the prizes they’re going to get. I have assigned the TF to hand out the prizes.

The TF, they are her friends, eight of them—three girls (Danielle, Leah, and herself) with five boys (Alex, Noeh, Kobe, JM, and Elmer). Two of them stayed late last night finishing some decorative signs for us. Nikki designed wavy arrows of some sort with names on it. They did all the lettering with some cool fonts. For directions to show where the food carts are, the buffet, the face paint, etc.

Not that we have a big house, but just to add a festive feel around the house.

They call themselves the TF (Tropang Football, or Football Gang), not because they love football, but all for a whole different reason. My Nikki is a swimmer, and part of her training is to run to strengthen her legs. Her friends would come with her, sometimes run with her, or just sit in the middle of the field while they wait. And most of the time, a group of international students who plays football, and are scheduled to practice at the field, and would kick them all out, not literally of course! Thus, their name, their circumstance because of the game. They choose to make their shame memorable and laugh at it every time people ask them of their group name.

They call our house their headquarters, because we have a small tree house in our front yard, and it has the best view of the city. That’s where they usually hangout. They are always so supportive of each other, and today is no different. They are not coming not just as a guest, but they will help with the party.

As I was driving down, I can see the clouds getting darker and darker. There’s actually a storm that day, but it’s only signal no. 1 (a tropical cyclone with winds of 30–60 kph).

It’s something that Filipinos are used to during this time of the year. I can’t cancel the event now, but I have to make sure everybody will be covered, and dry.

My phone rang; it’s the group from Manila who will do the magic show for kids and host the party. God knows everybody will fall asleep if I take the stage! They confirmed that they’re coming with food carts, face paints, and all their performers.

Nikki found them. A few months back, I asked her to search for some kids show. I gave her the guidelines on what to look for. Our budget, and the questions to ask. How long is the show, what’s included, are there any animals, or clowns, etc.

I imagined the phone calls she must have done to get all this information; I was wondering if on the other side of the line, they knew that they are talking to a fifteen-year-old teen! Did I mention that?

Yes, she’s only fifteen!

I was not disappointed with her inquiry. I hope I was able to capture her on video, since the way she presented them to me, she was like reporting to the CEO of a company. She gave me at least six to seven options, and she answered all of my questions. All the pros and cons, and the contact numbers. We ended taking this one group from Manila, who will do a four hours show with all the goodies that I’m sure the kids would love. It was really out of our budget, but good thing, only for the month of September, they are giving 50 percent discount to their grand package, because it’s the company’s nth anniversary.

We arrived in front of her school, and she kissed and hugged me. I felt her hands; they are so cold!

Are you okay? Are you nervous? I asked.

A bit, Mom, excited mostly! she answered.

"I’ll call you when I’m done!

Then off she went.

Good luck, mahal ko, love you! I shouted as she was crossing the street.

She looked back at me with her beautiful smile, blowing a couple of kisses.

(Mahal ko means my love. Me and my husband call each other that way, and we call our kids the same.)

I went through my checklist and planned my trip. Went to the balloon store first, then to the market. We have a neighbor who’s actually a chef in a hotel downtown. He’s off for today so I hired him to cook for the party. I am no cook! I can cook very, very simple dishes but not in bulk. He gave me a list of spices that I haven’t heard of before, since I don’t venture in this type of dishes.

I went to pick up a huge parachute that I borrowed from a friend; we’re going to use as a tent, since I can’t find any big tent to rent for our space. I asked my brother to cut some long bamboos that we’re going to brace our tent with. I also borrowed from the city office a big industrial fan that I’m going to use as an exhaust, to keep the place cool. They don’t just let anyone borrow this, but I have a friend who works at the city hall, who knows who to talk to with this kind of needs.

As I was driving home, my phone rings again. It’s Carlyn. She’s my husband’s cousin; she used to live with us before she got married. We’re like sisters. I’m so close to her family that people think that I’m the one who’s related to them, rather than Zandro. They are on their way to here too. She has a four-year-old daughter, Chloe, my goddaughter, and one-year-old son, Christoff.

Another one that I’m really looking forward to see is Apple. I truly hope she could make it with her husband, Gab, and their son, Sean. She is my husband’s niece.

Both are very close to me. When they were in college, with just one call, they would travel over the weekend to my place just for us to go out and drink…moderately, play billiards, or watch movies. Drink coffee and talk till day break.

I’m so excited to see them.

And my eldest sister too is on her way. She lives in Japan with her family, in a military airbase. She’s home fixing some paperwork for their place in Manila, their retirement home.

As I was driving up the hill, going home, I can see Lance waiting for me in front of our gate. Jumping up and down. He’s very excited. He opened the gate for me, and waited at the side walk, then started to ask questions as I was driving past him.

Mom, is the party really today? Is it really going to happen? But it’s going to rain, a lot! I heard it from the radio while I’m eating my breakfast!

By the way, I’m done eating Mom. I took my vitamins already. And Jacob is up too just now.

After parking, I went to hug Lance and kissed him in his forehead and said…

Yes, mahal ko, it’s happening today! Rain or shine!

I gave him a wink.

As I was gathering my shopping bag, my older brother came down to help me and said the bamboo frame for our makeshift tent had been set up; he brought few friends to help him. The frame is more than ten feet high. Perfect for the two huge balloons that were going to hung up in the middle as the kids’ piñata. I told them to extend the parachute up above the tree house because the lights and sounds would be set up there. I instructed them to place panels of tarps around the side overlapping them but not touching each other to allow the flow of air at the side. And where the industrial fan would be placed, just below the tree house, to pull the warm air when the tent is full of guests. I hope they would come in spite of the weather. I did receive some cancellations but a good amount of people still confirmed they are coming. So fingers crossed!

Lance still following me around, and he asked again, Mom, are my friends from school coming?

They have not canceled yet, so I guess they are! I answered.

Don’t worry, Chloe, Toff-toff and possibly Sean are on their way, so for sure, you’ll have fun.

He gave me a big smile and went off.

I went inside our house; Jacob is sitting in his high chair in front of his tablet with his favorite nursery rhymes on. I went to kiss him.

Ate Alma is still fixing his breakfast. She is my stay-in help, mostly for Jacob. She sleeps next to him at night, after I put him to bed. I always get migraines, even with small movement from my baby would wake me up and not enough sleep could trigger it, then I’ll be useless for at least three days. So when my kids are around ten months old, I look for someone, a nanny or a relative to come live with us just to sleep at night next to my kids. My kid’s first ten months to a year was really the hardest for me.

I cleaned up, took the bowl of oatmeal with mashed fruit in Ate Alma’s hands, then sat next to Jacob. As I was feeding him, my eyes are scanning our home, I’m trying to decide where to place all the decorative arrows and the pictures of Jacob and Lance. I printed about thirty pictures each of them since the day they were born. I framed them with my DIY Mickey Mouse’s head shaped, red and black, cardboard for Jacob’s pictures. Then different sizes and colors of cog, Transformer’s theme frames for Lance. I started making them like a month ago. They will go around the house and a lot around the frame of the tree house. Under it is where we’re going to place the table for the cakes and in front of it will be our designated stage area for the show.

After I finished feeding Jacob, we played a bit, carried him around to check if things are going the way Nikki and I planned it.

Checking my phone every now and then waiting for a call. I’ll be picking up families and friends from the bus station. Apple texted me, they can’t make it. Gab needs to work this weekend to receive some shipment for their company.

Then the party people are almost here. I gave them a direction to this iconic place here in our town. I’ll be meeting them there and just make them follow me home. It’s a bit tricky to find our place if you’re not from this area.

I was thinking of leaving Jacob with Ate Alma but took him with me anyway. Got my bag, placed Jacob in his seat, and drove to town to meet them. I saw them and the van that their using. Parked next to them and asked the driver if their van is in good condition to drive up a hill, especially it’s full of passengers and equipment.

He said yes, so off we went. When I was about at the foot of our street, I pointed out to him again and told him to follow me up to the end of the road. Then I went up. I saw him following me, so, Okay then! I think to myself.

I took a right straight to our garage, which I left open so they will have a place to park in front of our gate. As soon as they parked, the door swung open, and almost everybody jumped out!

Ma’am, you were not kidding when you said it’s very steep!

They shouted almost in a chorus, with a bit of a thrill in their voices. Then they all started laughing!

I just smiled back at them. Yup! Not everyone could drive up our place. For fifteen years since we had this place, I’ve seen at least three accidents.

They all start taking out their props. Some small colorful assembled woods, could be a part of the booths that they are going to set up. I took Jacob from his seat; we went up the house and showed them their corner where they could set up their booths.

I took Jacob in, gave him a bath, massaged him then put him to bed for his afternoon nap. Turned on the baby monitor. Took a quick shower and put on some pants and white shirt. My signature, Nikki would always say.

When I went out, the photo booth was up. The party people are on their costumes, the two balloon pillars are up next to the foot of the tree house. The buffet table is beautifully arranged, the sounds and lights are finishing up too. It’s more beautiful than I imagined it would be.

My phone rings. It’s Nikki, she said she should be done in an hour. Carlyn and her family, and my sister should be here around that time too.

I need to pick up the balloons first. I gave the baby monitor to Ate Alma who’s helping out at the kitchen. I asked if there’s anything more needed to buy or get from the city. They said no, so I took off, pick up the piñata balloons, and went back home as soon as I can. As I was driving up, I saw a car following me. I recognize it. She’s my classmate from high school. She makes the most beautiful cakes in town. She’s here to deliver my boy’s cakes! Lance requested the design. It’s Optimus Prime truck! And Mickey’s hat shaped cake for Jacob, with a lot of small cupcakes to go with the theme.

We set up everything on the table and off I went again.

Carlyn called and my sister, both of them are in the bus station. So I went to pick them up first, then Nikki.

I asked her how things went and if her head still hurts.

I’m feeling better now, Mom. It was not easy, but I’m glad It’s over. Now we party! she answered.

Nikki gave me a kiss, and Chloe jumped to her lap. She is Chloe’s spoiler! There was not enough seat in my truck so Raymond, Carlyn’s husband, sat at the back of the truck bed.

Nikki went in action as soon as we got home. Placed all the pictures and checked every small detail. Then we went to change for the party. We included in our invitation to wear something red or blue.

It’s past two in the afternoon. Guests are starting to arrive. Kids are having their face painted.

Soon the show started, everybody was enjoying it. Outside the tent the rain was pouring hard, but that didn’t stop the laughter, the chatting, the dancing. The games were never short of volunteers; everybody participated.

At around five in the afternoon, while everybody was eating, Zandro went online.

He is in Louisiana, USA at the moment; it’s four in the morning. He works at the kitchen in an oil rig in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. They just finished preparing breakfast, and he went for a short break. We stopped the program for a bit. I mentioned this to the host that anytime my husband goes online, we will blow the candle first and sing Happy Birthday to our boys.

And so we did, with my husband on the tablet monitor.

This is us. Since we’ve been together. Almost every birthday, every anniversary, every Christmas. We celebrate together things, but always in a different time zone. It’s a lot better now with video calls. Before it was just letters…numbered letters. Then, the phone calls, with a lot of phone cards; then there’s the internet calls, now it’s video calls. My boys now knew exactly who their dad is. Unlike when Nikki was growing up, there’s only his voice. So every vacation, Zandro’s first few days’ agenda is to win Nikki over. Because he was always a stranger to her.

Zandro arrange his vacation during the kids’ school break so he could make the most of their time. Usually every six to ten months, for three weeks minimum to two months when permitted.

I used to work with him on board a cruise ship based in Asia, as a croupier. That’s where we met. Got married after two years of being together, we got pregnant with Nikki while we’re on board the ship. After I gave birth to her, I went back for one more year to finish my contract, then I stopped and stayed home with her. When she was about six years old, I went back to work again with Zandro, this time in a ship based in Corpus Christi, Texas. After almost two contracts I stopped again, we got pregnant with Lance this time. All this time Zandro was working outside the country. This is actually something that is acceptable and a good thing for every Filipino family. To give their kids a better future. We call them OFWs (overseas Filipino workers). A huge sacrifice for every family.

Before Zandro’s break was over, I took the tablet around so he could say hi to our friends who’s in the party. Tried to make Lance talk to him, but it’s his party. He just said to his dad, Hi, Pa, thank you for the party. Love you, bye, Pa!

Then he took off again.

We said our goodbyes. I went back to the party.

It was a very beautiful party. Before the guests started to leave at around seven in the evening, the rain has stopped. Few very dear friends stayed and chatting continues till almost midnight. The boys are out before that. Tried to clean up a bit. Carlyn and her family stayed in Nikki’s room, and so she is sleeping next to Lance. My sister went to sleep next to me. I was so tired but very happy. Send a message to Zandro and called it a night.

As I was saying my evening prayer, I felt a bit anxious. Everything feels so perfect. It feels like, it’s too good to be true. I don’t exactly know what I’m so afraid of.

I found myself imagining God’s very big hands; holding our home, protecting it, and everyone in it.

Then I drifted to sleep, I guess with my brows furrowed.

Normal, Boring… Safe!

I’m a stay-at-home mom. Every now and then I try to venture on some businesses. The last one was a small cafeteria in front of Nikki’s elementary school. I turned a two-story, two-bedroom home into a canteen that caters breakfast and lunch for parents, students and teachers from elementary to college, to public transportation drivers around the area, and a few offices. It was a big hit. But the work was really tiring though. I need to be at the wet market at three in the morning every day, and would be on my feet the whole day. Lance has just turned one year old then. One of Zandro’s cousin, Carlyn’s sister stays with us. Her name is Ashie, Lance calls her Tatish, shortcut for Tita Ashie. She too is very close to me. She looks after Lance. We made the second floor our living space and go home to our residential home only during the weekends. I was so pleased with the amount of money I was able to bring into the family. But it didn’t last long. We made an offer to buy the place, but the owner wanted more than the actual value of the place, 50 percent more of what we’re offering. They saw how we were able to transform the place to something profitable. I went into depression after we lost the place. It took me a long time to get over the loss of something I really worked hard on.

The income was good, but then I realized Nikki suffered the most. Her grades went down, even after I hired a tutor for her, then she started acting up. I have no energy to check on her or help her with her studies nor do I have time to bond with her. I end up always scolding at her because I’m so tired.

After we closed the cafeteria, things between Nikki and I didn’t go back to the way it used to be. I think she started growing up, maturing. She’s barely ten years old then, and I’m having so many problems with her already. So when her school offered a parenting seminar, I grabbed the chance; and I’m so glad I did.

I learned that I have not been listening to my daughter. I was bringing her up the way I was brought up. Didn’t even know that I’ve been hurting her. I thought, you give your kids food, clothing, give them what they want, just let them play all day, then expect them just to say yes and follow when you say something. That was how I was brought up, so ancient. I didn’t realize it is important to communicate and ask your kids how they are, or how they feel.

After the seminar, Nikki and I had a mother and daughter talk and the first thing I did was to apologized to her. I admitted all the wrong things I’ve done, the things that I realized I should have been doing, my hopes between the two of us. I tried my best to give my time to her and Lance equally. That was one of her issues that I realized after our heart-to-heart talk. She’s been a lone child for a very long time, and the divided attention hit her hard. From then on, I made sure that every time she comes home from school, we go to her room, lock the door, ask her about her day and allow her to talk as much as she wants. Then Lance would start banging Nikki’s door. I ignored him. I know he is safe with Tatish, just to let Nikki feel I’m all hers. Lance had me the whole day anyway. I let Nikki open the door, when she’s ready to share me to her brother. And I think that’s when she started to be more concern about her brother that she started opening her door almost immediately and she became closer to him.

And that, too, started our beautiful mother and daughter relationship.

Nikki became my best friend. We bond a lot. We love books. She used to hate reading, but one time I shared to her a story of this one book that I’m reading, then I stopped at the very highlight of it. She keeps begging me to finish my story, but keep asking her to wait in purpose, told her I’m busy. Next thing I know, she’s in one corner reading the book to herself. So now we’re both hooked with books. We spend a lot of time talking about it, how things could have been different if this or that character has done things differently. We love to watch tv series together too. Some tv series I honestly don’t like to watch, at first. Because it seems like it’s too cheesy for my age. But I wanted the time with her, so I stayed, then I grew to love the series. One of which is the Pretty Little Liars. But we see the series in a different angle in a lot of ways, not just about the story line; but something else. A new scene pops out, she would say, Oh, I love Aria’s skirt, or Spencer’s bag!

Then at the same time I would be like, Oh, I love the lamp, or the wall color!

Then we would both start laughing.

The shows that were watching made me able to talk to her about a lot of things. I would pause a scene then ask her how she felt about the friend’s betrayal, or showed to her how different a boy and a girl’s reaction to every situation. Explained to her why the character felt some remorse, or the lack of it in that episode. And I listened to how she sees things too.

One other thing that we love to do together is watching a movie. My kids are always my date buddies, since Zandro is always not around. I would schedule date nights with Lance or Nikki once a month. I sometimes wonder how my dates with Jacob will be like.

It’s always their choice of movie. With Lance, well, we all know what a seven-year-old boy would love. I don’t usually like it, but then again, I’m loving the company.

But with Nikki, I kind of adapted to the things that she loves. I’m so attuned to everything that she likes, as she is to me.

I love the fact that when a good movie comes out, we would always see it on the premier night, and she wants it to be just the two of us. That became her rule!

If my friend wants to see that movie too, I will just have to see the it again. Same thing with her friends.

One time, the premier night of this one movie that we’ve been waiting for came out on weekdays. I bent my rules for her on that one.

We agreed to meet at the mall where the movie will be showing after her school. She left a bag at the truck that morning before I dropped her to school so she could change from her school uniform.

I was already at the mall getting us a ticket early to get a good seat when Nikki arrived and took the keys from me. I told her where I parked the truck. After around fifteen mins, I was holding our popcorn and drinks when I saw Nikki walking toward me. Doing the catwalk!

I was wearing shorts and t-shirt and flip flops, as usual. Then here she comes, with her hair up, wearing printed blouse with a sleeveless vest, ripped skinny jeans and a two-inch ankle boots! With accessories!

I rolled my eyes on her, laughed at her! She is not atypical teenager; she definitely doesn’t dress like any kids her age.

At least not in this country, or in our small town.

With my shoulders dropped I told her, Really? I look like your personal assistant or a nanny to you!

And she just smiled, took her drinks from me, kissed my cheeks, and said, "Oh, I love you, Mom!

But you should have known by now what’s inside that bag!"

She gave me a wink and laughed!

She grew so fast and I’m always so amazed with the way she thinks. So mature, and with a very kind heart, but very vocal about what she thinks and will really tell you what she doesn’t want. She got that from me, I think. Like her, you don’t need to second guess me, what you see or hear is what you get. While Zandro on the other hand, he is a people pleaser. I think it runs in the family, having a father who’s a public servant.

Jacob came to our lives. I really wanted him. I remember October of 2010, when Zandro told me for sure he’ll be home that December, but only for three weeks. I was already thirty-five years old then. I said to myself, we’re going to get pregnant; it’s now or never. I went to my OB immediately and ask for an advice or vitamins that will help us make sure it will happen. She gave me some vitamins just to keep me healthier, and advised me not to overthink things. She knew me, I guess. I stopped drinking coffee just to be sure, I don’t really know why I did that. Zandro’s vacation came and went so fast. I was not confident we had enough time.

On the third week of January of 2011, I experienced a very sharp pain in my chest that they needed to rush me to the emergency room. Nikki went with me, we asked for Ate Sheila and for her brother to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital, the pain didn’t stop, the doctor did some lab works and wanted to take an x-ray. They gave me some papers to fill in, Nikki answered the questions for me. When the question came that if there’s any chance that I’m pregnant, I said yes, or at least hoping that I am. The doctor order a pregnancy test, and true enough—I’m pregnant! I was so happy. I remember Nikki saying, Okay, I’m not sending that kid to college. Just to be clear!

We all laughed.

Because we keep telling her she will help us send Lance to college and that she can’t have a boyfriend until he graduates. She agrees to it, though, even if it was just a joke.

I was released that night too. It was just a very bad case of a heartburn that I experienced for the first time.

I love being pregnant. I love the feeling of my baby growing and moving inside of me. But for some reason, I can sense something is different with this pregnancy. The way he moves is so different, but I can’t pinpoint what or how to explain it. We don’t have any available procedure, at least in where I live, to know if there’s something wrong with my baby. Ultrasound is showing that all is well. So I tried to calm myself down.

Zandro arranged to be home that September, a week before my due date. Few hours after giving birth to Jacob, the doctor came talking to us; she suspects Jacob may have Down syndrome. I was not even surprised.

She suggested to take Jacob to this certain hospital and have a chromosomal karyotyping done to be sure. She said that Jacob’s heart is normal, that he is breathing fine. Although