Shadow of the Past

By Mayank Manohar

Life throws up tough choices that often control your life, forcing you to carry the baggage of your past. In the process, you have no option but to fall in love with your own shadow. Your pain and loneliness are your best friends. But there comes a breaking point and when you reach it, there is a good chance it can destroy you completely. Shadow of the Past is a story about three young people crippled by their own past and insecurities and how their life changes when they stop running away and start embracing it. But the question always remains: to what extent can anyone go to get rid of their past? Meet Lavanya, deprived of the love that she deserved and fighting a seven-year-long battle for Rehan, who is crippled by the complexity of his own mind, then takes a major U-turn. Arpita, who yearns for Rehan' s love, suddenly finds herself trapped between the incomplete love saga of Rehan and Lavanya. Rehan comes out of the void he is in, only to tumble into another. Will the shadow of their past destroy their lives completely or will life give them another chance to redeem what is lost?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fingerprint Publishing
• Release date: Aug 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9789389717174

Book preview

Shadow of the Past

The night was cold; she held a beer bottle in her hand as she blew out smoke rings followed by a sigh. Blowing the smoke rings filled her heart with a feeling of ecstasy. But the moment the ring dissolved into the darkness of night, the feeling of being lost in the dark woods again alienated her as she took another long drag from the cigarette and sipped the beer.

It was unusual for April to be so cold at night. Lately the sudden change in the weather had caused irregularity across the country. And Bangalore was no different.

It was thoughts of him or perhaps her loneliness that kept bringing back lost memories. No matter how hard she tried to forget him there was something, which was still stuck between them. She tried to figure it out but she failed miserably, every single time. Moreover, it was the date she could never forget. 7 April, his birthday. The year was 2015, but even seven years later his birthday felt important to her.

She had no clue where he was. Did he even think about her when he was alone? Or maybe after getting drunk, did it remind him of the days they had spent together? After all, it was seven years since they last spoke to each other. Questions rose in her head with every sip of the beer she took. However, she couldn’t find any answers.

Life had always given her a lot of surprises but this one came as a shock. It was she who had decided to leave him but the distance had not helped. The more she tried to hate him, the more she found herself falling for him.

Sometimes she randomly opened his Facebook profile and tried to figure out what was going on in his life. She was happy to know he had followed his dreams even though things were not in his favour. She felt good that he had not locked his profile and this allowed her to check his updates. She knew one thing deep down—all she cared to know was whether he was still single.

But he never posted anything related with his personal life, which gave her hope that maybe he was still single. Sometimes this hope frustrated her. She wondered whether he would accept her again.

The reason she never tried sending him a friend request or spamming his inbox with messages was her guilt. He had failed to keep their relationship alive but she was the one to walk away. At the time, she thought she would get over it eventually. But her feelings for him only became stronger than ever.

Why does this happen with us? Why can’t life be simpler? Why am I thinking about him when I know that nothing is possible now? she said, out of the blue.

What are you talking about? asked her roommate.

She was so lost in her thoughts she had forgotten her roommate, Simi, who was standing next to her. She had been staying with her for three years now but never had she mentioned anything about him. She knew Simi was puzzled and she had no idea what to do now.

Nothing. Some old shit, she said.

Care to share? asked Simi, again.

There was silence for a while. Lavanya didn’t know how to deal with this situation. In the past three years, she had never spoken a word about him and now suddenly she didn’t know where to start. How could she ever explain the depth of her love for him?

We have been sharing this place for three years now but I hardly know anything about your life. What is going on? Would you please tell me? pleaded Simi.

Lavanya looked at the sky blankly. She wanted to hold on to her thoughts and not reveal them to anyone no matter how close that person was. She was not sure how she would make people understand her situation. She was not sure how others would react. She was not sure what it was that was still stuck between them. Would it ever go away? Or would she have to suffer her entire life?

I won’t force you—it is up to you, said Simi, gently.

Brushing away a lone tear trickling down her cheek, Lavanya began.

It was the summer of 2006 when we bumped into each other for the first time and trust me, it wasn’t how they show it in the movies. But it was sweet. There’s not been a day I wish we had never met; then maybe I wouldn’t be miserable. But deep down I also think that if we hadn’t met, I would have never realised my capacity for loving someone immensely, unconditionally. He was the only one who could keep me sane even in the most difficult times. He was the only one who could show me light when there was darkness everywhere.

Start from the beginning, urged Simi.

Sighing, Lavanya started talking.

"He was mad. He was someone I could never adequately describe in words. At times, he would irritate me so much that I would want to kill him. And the very next moment he would be so sweet I would adore him.

He knew how to play with words and expressions. He knew how to make people smile. And that’s how I fell in love with him. He would try and solve everyone’s problem but often land himself in trouble and then, with a grin on his face, he would say philosophically, ‘Life is unpredictable.’

There were times when he would feel low and then he wouldn’t talk to anyone. He would isolate himself until he got over it. I hated him for that. He was enthusiastic about helping others but when it came to himself, he would never let anyone near him. Maybe I have become like him."

Shit you love him too damn much, exclaimed Simi.

Sighing, Lavanya said, "I don’t know what it was or why. I hate myself for leaving him when he needed me the most. I became selfish and I thought I would be able to cope with the situation. But then, all hell broke loose and today, here I am sitting on my terrace sloshed and sharing my grief with my friend after keeping it bottled inside for so many years. After burning every page of his book, I still deeply feel the words we scribbled in it. Am I going mad?

"You know he always told me that no matter what happens he would always be there by my side. And he was. Still is. Whenever I needed him, he made sure he was there for me. I was very imposing at times and still he would accept me with a smile on his face. I would often wonder how someone could be like him. How can someone be so selfless? He never hesitated to help anyone and it didn’t matter if he liked the person or not. I always scolded him for that and he would just smile and answer, ‘This is who I am.’

"When he was around, I never realised how much he meant to me. And it was only when he went away that it hit me. What the hell have I done? He always told me that if he did something wrong or if there was any problem, I should confront him. He was not an astrologer and he couldn’t read my mind. But the problem with us is we expect others to read our mind.

I left him when he was at his most vulnerable. I don’t want to marry the person I am marrying but then my mother also has a lot of expectations from me, especially since dad’s death. I have let him down and I don’t want to let my family down. That’s the only reason why I am marrying. I don’t know whether I can ever forget him and accept someone else in his place. Perhaps not. Perhaps that was the only reason why I never dated any other guy after he left. That place is sacred and it is meant only for him.

Don’t rush into marriage. Contact him. Don’t let your ego stop you. Maybe he is still waiting for you. Maybe he is expecting your call. It is worth trying. What if it works out? If it doesn’t then at least you will have no regrets that you never tried. By the way what’s his name? asked Simi.

***

That same night . . . about 2000 km away.

He sat by the window. The room was dark and the light from a yellow bulb sparkled through the balcony of a building in the neighbourhood giving him enough light to smoke. His hand rested on the windowpane holding a half-lit cigarette between his fingers, while he was lost in his own chain of thoughts. It was the wee hours of morning and yet he was awake, just as he was, every other night. While gazing at the stars, his hands moved as he placed the cigarette between his lips and took the last long drag and exhaled, the dense smoke making his vision blurry; blurry enough for him to want to sleep but sleep was still a far-fetched dream.

He stubbed the cigarette on the wall and casually throwing it out of the window, flopped down on his bed. After tossing from one side to the other his eyes were still wide open and tired and he couldn’t sleep. He had turned into a workaholic and become a victim of sleep deprivation lately. Every night it was the same story; he tried to sleep but failed miserably. He worked like a maniac hoping to get some sleep but sleep eluded him.

He listened to music, talked to his roommate, and smoked but still no sign of sleep! Every night he tried to figure out why he coudn’t sleep but in vain. He asked himself, was he depressed? No, he was doing what he always wanted to do. He was practically living his dream; how could he be depressed? Was he suffering from any mental disorder? No, he seemed to be doing perfectly fine or he wouldn’t be able to perform well in his profession. Did he need medication? No, it would only make the situation worse. Did he need counselling? They were all the same. They all said the same damn thing.

Was there someone he thought about when he was alone? Sigh. The only question he didn’t want to answer.

There was something he had kept locked inside the walls of his heart, someone about whom he never talked with anyone. People who knew about this were no longer in his life and people who were around him wouldn’t understand. He often felt like talking about it but stopped himself the moment he was about to utter something. And then he would scold himself for acting so weak.

Situations in his life had changed him so much that all he wanted to do was show himself as strong as ever—as someone who could face anything without being intimidated. But deep down he had turned so emotional that if someday someone held his hand and asked him what was going on in his life, he was not sure how he would respond. He might break down and tell all. That was one thing he always tried to be cautious about.

He did his best to move ahead; at least he thought he did. But he felt disoriented; he was not sure where he was. He was not sure what to do. He was not sure about anything and if at all there was anything, was it worth his time?

Questions kept darting around his head as time passed and soon, he was enveloped in the arms of deep slumber. The time was 5:45 a.m. Happy birthday to me, he wished himself before dozing off, his voice echoing in the silence of his room.

***

It was half past two. The chill wrapped Lavanya in its arms as her beer bottle became empty. There were no more smokes left to kill time. She wanted to sleep but the awkward conversation with Simi about him had gone beyond limits and she didn’t know how to evade something like this. One thing she was sure about was that Simi wouldn’t sleep without listening to her story. An incomplete story that was not letting her sleep. A story she badly wanted to erase from her memory.

Come on, tell me. How did you guys meet? insisted Simi.

So Lavanya continued her narrative.

"It was my first day in high school. Being an engineering aspirant, I joined a junior college in Hyderabad. I was late on my first day, making it just before the class started. Since it was the first day, everyone was there on time. I cursed my mother as I walked past everyone and took the last bench. People gave me puzzled looks. ‘As if I care!’ I thought to myself.

"‘Good morning everyone! My name is Prithvi and I will