Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Break the Cycle of Anxiety, Jealousy, Looming Fear, Abandonment of Nurture, Lack of Trust and Connection with Your Partner Without Feeling Unworthy of Love

By Vincenzo Venezia

Do you constantly think that your partner will leave you or that you will be abandoned?

Maybe you are struggling with jealousy, worried that no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough?

 

Are you afraid of ruining everything by making even the smallest mistake?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vincenzo Venezia
• Release date: May 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9791281498181

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

As we live in a society where images of love and relationships are constantly presented, it is not surprising that most of us are in some way concerned with performing and creating relationships. You might think you must be in a strong, exclusive relationship to feel loved, accepted, and fulfilled. But the very things that fill your heart with joy and love simultaneously fill you with fear and anxiety. The traits that make you feel so lovable also cause you to become insecure and question your self-worth. You want to feel loved and accepted, but you also want to be independent and self-sufficient. And you don’t want to be alone, but you can’t stand the demands of being in a relationship.

The reality is that how our parents or caregiver loved us when we were young has a lifelong effect on our mental health and how we handle relationships in adulthood. Our mothers or caregivers made us feel loved, secure, ignored, rejected, and ashamed. From the moment you are born, the people in your environment set the stage for your emotional availability or lack thereof. Many of us are unconsciously carrying this emotional baggage from childhood into adulthood.

As you grow up and attempt to figure out what love and intimacy are all about, you are faced with the dilemma of wanting to feel loved and accepted but not wanting to be controlled or hurt by a relationship. The fear and anxiety you experience as a child enters your adult relationships, creating an anxious preoccupied attachment style.

Nevertheless, you need to understand that it's not your fault. It's not that your parents or caregiver did anything wrong. It's hard to say whether you would have turned out the same way if they had been a little more loving and consistent with you as a child. You were raised in a certain way and had issues to work through before you could begin learning healthy relationship skills.

This book aims to offer you the most practical information about anxious attachment and how to cultivate a secure attachment style. This book will also teach you how to overcome relationship anxieties, what attachment is, and how it affects your life from an emotional standpoint. You will become more aware and learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy anxiety. You will also gain the tools you need to manage those anxieties, so they do not negatively affect your relationship.

The good news is you do not have to be anxious about your ability to connect with another human being. You do not need to avoid love and relationships because it does not imply that you are weak or that you cannot or will not be loved and accepted. Love and relationships are often associated with suffering and loss because we all have to go through difficult times, disappointments, and heartbreak. However, you do not need to live in fear of being hurt by a relationship or a person. It is the most hopeful sign if you are having a hard time in relationships because it means you are aware that something is not right and are open to change.

You can have an enjoyable relationship that makes you happy and feel loved without the fear of being controlled or trapped. You can have the feeling of security in a relationship without having to feel ashamed or guilty. You can learn to communicate well and feel loved and accepted in your relationships. You do not need to be one way or the other; however, if you are anxious in relationships, this book will teach you how to let go of that anxiety so that you can have close relationships and make yourself happy.

PART 1

WHAT IS ANXIOUS PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT?

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT

Attachment is how an individual sees themselves, their needs and wants, and their sense of self and identity about others. It is how we form connections with others and see ourselves in those connections. We perceive the world, our place in it, and our relationships through it.

JOHN BOWLBY ATTACHMENT THEORY

John Bowlby is one of the founders of attachment theory and is regarded as the father of this field. His theories and observations became the basis for further studies regarding how we relate to others depending on our past experiences, especially with our primary caregivers.

A part of Bowlby’s theory is that humans are naturally wired for intimacy. By this, he means that we biologically develop from birth with a desire to form close bonds with others. The attachment system is a basic emotion-driven behavioral system that directs an infant or child to seek proximity to their caregiver when in distress and to maintain contact during moments of comfort and security. The attachment system stays with us well into adulthood and sets the framework for forming relationships and our expectations of others.

Bowlby also relates the concept of attachment to evolution, saying that attachment is a survival mechanism that our ancestors put in place for their offspring to ensure their security and survival. Incidentally, Bowlby also thought of attachment as a goal-corrected partnership. This means that a child's attachment to their caregivers is rooted in the satisfaction of the caregiver's needs, which helps guide the child towards that satisfaction. In essence, attachment provides a mutual benefit, further strengthening the bond between caregiver and child.

Bowlby’s theories on attachment stem from his observations of children who were separated from their primary caregiver at an early age, either for adoption or by the caregiver’s death. He studied how they coped and adapted to their new environment. He also observed children who experienced an absent caregiver, such as a parent frequently away for work or another reason. In all his observations, Bowlby noticed that the most important element for the child in adapting to their new environment was the child-caregiver relationship and attachment.

As described in his book, Attachment and Loss, Bowlby concludes that the child forms a mental representation of the primary caregiver early in life, which he calls internal working models. This internal representation of the primary caregiver becomes the child’s template for forming relationships and expecting others to behave.

These internal representations are created when a child experiences their first relationship with another person. This relationship establishes a pattern of relating that can last a lifetime and make up the core belief system. In this mental representation, the child establishes comfort, security, love, and how to expect someone to behave with them.

Critical Period for Developing an Attachment

Bowlby proposes that there is a critical period for attachment development. The term is most frequently encountered in the study of imprinting, where it is believed that young birds can only form a bond with their mother during a specific period shortly after hatching. These factors affect the maturation of processes, including hearing and vision, social bonding, and language acquisition. Suppose a person is not exposed to the stimuli required to learn a skill during a critical stage of its development. In that case, it may be difficult or even impossible for them to develop certain functions related to that ability later in life.

Neurologically, critical periods are characterized by high levels of brain plasticity before neural connections become increasingly stable. Specifically, critical periods tend to conclude when GABA-inhibiting synapses reach maturity, which can be accelerated by adult signaling of the neural circuitry.

As brains develop, their connections become more stable. The transitions of the brain from a more plastic to a more fixed state allow it to advantageously retain new and complex processes, such as perceptual, motor, and cognitive functions. However, if the brain is exposed to too much stress or experiences loss at a young age, it can put itself into an unadaptive stuck state. This can lead to greater difficulties in adulthood, including anxiety and self-destructive behavior. Attachment figures play a vital role in developing one’s neurobiological processes and are critical for healthy development.

Children's gestures, such as pride, predict how they will acquire oral language skills, which are crucial for developing executive functions. However, the formation of stable connections in the brain can limit future revisions to the brain's neural circuitry. For instance, if a young organism undergoes abnormal sensory experiences, such as auditory or visual deprivation, during the critical period, the brain may not properly wire itself to process future sensory inputs.

The following are ages and their needed developmental and emotional experiences:

a. 0-2.5 years: pre-attachment phase

The child is just beginning to form their internal working model, which includes the attachment template and general expectations about how parents/caregivers behave in the world. The child has not directly experienced enough to know how their parents/caregivers will respond, so they form a general expectation of behavior and then observe the caregiver's response to that behavior.

If the caregiver responds to the children's expectations, this will strengthen their working model. If the caregiver does not respond in accordance with their expectations or ignores them as if they are of no importance, this will undermine and destabilize their working model.

During this phase, if children feel that they must be vigilant about seeking out connections with their caregiver, that is a stressor. This will result in the emergence of a state of hypervigilance, which will make children feel even more insecure when they are in the proximity of their caregiver. They may also develop anxiety and startle easily, so they will be more likely to become fearful or withdraw from others to cope with their stress.

b. 2.5-7 years: the proto-attachment phase

This is when a child begins to understand the concept of a primary caregiver. The child becomes attached to their primary caregivers and actively seeks their attention, which is seen as a way to establish their needs and security with their caregiver. The attachment process is strengthened by frequent interactions with the primary caregiver, which helps prevent attachment disruptions and maintains the child’s expectations of how someone should act towards them consistently. This consistency gives rise to trust and a sense of security in children, which is the foundation for future relationships.

This phase is also characterized by a child’s increasing ability to regulate their own emotions and learn how to self-soothe. They also begin to understand their need to feel safe and comfortable with others. This gives the child trust and security, setting their expectations for future relationships. These expectations include delivering comfort when experiencing negative emotions as well as being able to give comfort when needed.

A lack of trust and dependence on others can develop when a child experiences numerous disruptions in their caregiving relationship. These disruptions could include the absence of their primary caregiver, the loss of someone close to them, or the lack of consistency in how their caregivers act with them. This leads to mistrust and uncertainty because a child cannot rely on others for support and, therefore, must learn to support themselves. When a child is not able to bond with their primary caregiver, they often turn to other sources of comfort, such as pets, objects, or other children. They also have difficulty interpreting people’s intentions and feelings towards them as they cannot understand the concept of loyalty or connection in relationships. This can lead to uncertainty and mistrust in interpersonal relationships throughout life.

c. 7-12 years: the latency phase.

This period is characterized by the child engaging in numerous exploratory activities while developing their cognitive abilities and physical skills. They also reach a basic understanding of how the world works and become increasingly independent.

During this phase, a child is still dependent on their primary caregivers. As they learn to communicate their needs and expectations and receive the appropriate support from them, the child will develop better self-confidence and a stronger identity. They will also better understand their needs and the ability to self-soothe themselves. This further helps them understand their role in relationships and how to support others. During this time, individuals develop their interests and hobbies and interact socially with others in groups.

A lack of trust is experienced when a child experiences frequent disruptions in the caregiving relationship, leading to mistrust and uncertainty because they cannot rely on their primary caregivers for emotional support. The result is that they cannot understand the concept of loyalty or connection in relationships, which leads them to lack trust in many areas of life. They also have difficulty interpreting people’s intentions and feelings towards them as they cannot understand the concept of loyalty or connection in relationships, which leads them to lack trust in many areas of life.

d. 12-18 years: the adolescent phase.

This is characterized by the child beginning to develop their identity, social, and personal skills, and by their separation from their primary caregivers. They begin to interact with others based on their common interests instead of for survival or protection. During this phase, teenagers develop a more mature concept of attachment which helps them cope with new situations that involve critical relationships and the separation or loss of their primary caregiver.

In adolescence, a child begins to separate from their parents and form their own independent identity. Although they still rely on the support of their primary caregivers, the child is gaining a better understanding of how to interact with others based on common interests and how to reciprocally give support when needed. This further helps them develop self-confidence, assertiveness, and independence in relationships. It also allows them to draw on past experiences to understand what they need in other relationships that encourage closeness and comfort.

A lack of consistency in the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver can lead to an increased breakdown in communication and can cause a child to experience more distrust. This results in a lack of understanding of loyalty in relationships and all the difficulties that come with it, such as a lack of trust, a greater misinterpreting of intentions, and expectations that are not met.

The disruption in a caregiving relationship can affect attachment functions later in life. The security developed throughout the early years is crucial for how people function later. What the child experiences during this period directly affects their perception of others, affecting adult relationships.

CHAPTER 2

WHAT IS ANXIOUS PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT

Anxious preoccupied attachment is one of the attachment styles described by John Bowlby’s attachment theory. An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is a form of adult attachment (also called ambivalent when referring to infant attachment). It is one of the three insecure attachment styles characterized by a negative self-perception and a positive image of others.

WHAT CAUSES ANXIOUS PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT

Attachment styles can change, and that also includes anxious preoccupied attachment. While it may sometimes be clear why someone may develop this type of attachment style, there are certain situations in which it is much easier for it to come about.

Some of the reasons why people develop anxious preoccupied attachments are as follows:

1. Genetics

It has been found that some people are naturally predisposed to developing an anxious-preoccupied attachment style because of their genetics. This is because there is evidence showing that anxious-attachment patterns can be inherited or passed down through generations in families through genetic material (e.g., DNA) that is passed from one generation to the next. This is done through a process called epigenetic changes that can impact the function of genes through changes in cell structure and gene expression. Therefore, if a person has an anxious-attachment style early on in life, there is a greater chance that they will continue to develop it