Stress Wisely: How to Be Well in an Unwell World

By Robyne Hanley-Dafoe

It’s time to make stress your ally, not your enemy.
Stress is inherent to the human condition. When not properly understood, stress can wreak havoc on our mental and physical health, our relationships, and our lives. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
In Stress Wisely, award-winning psychology scholar and resiliency expert Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe explains how we can be strategic in stressful times by challenging everything we’ve been told about stress—and wielding its power in our favour.
With her signature honesty, humor, relatability, and intimacy, Dr. Robyne draws on her vast research and real-world experiences in wellness, stress, and resiliency to help you navigate the chaos in the wisest way possible.
Through smart strategies and awareness-raising exercises grounded in science and the eight touchstones of wellness—physical, emotional, intellectual, social environmental, occupational, financial, and spiritual—Dr. Robyne teaches you how to make your nervous system your ally in every stage of your life (yes, even in the most challenging circumstances).
Life is joyful, complicated, messy, and downright hard at times, AND you are capable to navigate it all. In Stress Wisely, get ready to learn, unlearn, and integrate smart stressing principles for a healthier, more meaningful, and purpose-filled life that is waiting for you. Better days are ahead.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robyne Hanley-Dafoe
• Release date: Jun 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9781774582633

Robyne Hanley-Dafoe

Described as one of the most sought-after, engaging, thought-provoking, and truly transformative international speakers and scholars in her field, Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe is a multi-award-winning education and psychology instructor and resiliency expert. What sets Dr. Robyne apart is how she learned resiliency from the ground up, as a person who has experienced significant obstacles yet forged her comeback; as a result, her work is both relatable and accessible. She lives in Ontario, Canada, with her husband, Jeff, and their three children: Hunter, Ava Lesley, and Jaxson.

Book preview

Stress Wisely: How to Be Well in an Unwell World. By Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, author of Calm Within the Storm.

Praise for Stress Wisely

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe is a truly remarkable scholar and speaker whose expertise lies in resiliency and wellness. With twenty years of experience, she has a wealth of knowledge on how to navigate stress, challenge, change, and self-identity. Dr. Robyne’s ability to help people incorporate these practices into their everyday lives is remarkable, and she has shared this world-class thinking in Stress Wisely. We are living through the most significant global health crisis in our time with no end in sight. Yet there is hope if we apply the new ideas that Dr. Robyne shares with us. She weaves together knowledge, ancient wisdom, and deep practice to elevate our mental, emotional, and spiritual lives with clear and powerful stories and strategies. Reading Stress Wisely is like having a conversation with Dr. Robyne where she shares practical wisdom and hope directly with you so that you can stop the negative stress cycle and return to joy, happiness, and thriving."

Greg Wells, PhD, bestselling author of The Ripple Effect and Rest, Refocus, Recharge

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe once again has brilliantly brought together her deep professional insights and experience with her own journey. Through COVID and beyond, she has helped and positively impacted the lives of countless individuals with her care, compassion, and practical tools. Stress Wisely takes her insights and impact to the next level in helping us all live with greater peace and fulfillment in today’s world."

Katherine Dudtschak, former executive vice president at RBC and corporate leader, director, and community builder

"Wellness is now a $4.2 trillion global industry. And yet somehow, levels of stress and burnout are at all-time highs across professions. Cutting across this paradox while synthesizing the vast and unruly world of resilience research down to practical insights, enlightened behaviourist Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe has gifted the world with an original, refreshing, and empowering perspective on how to be well in an unwell world. Stress Wisely makes the science-backed case that stress is inevitable in pursuing the good life. But this situational awareness is hardly a cause for despair. Instead, it’s optimistic permission to choose differently. Everyday choices that prioritize wellness are revolutionary acts. Rich with heartfelt stories and original research, Dr. Robyne’s book is candid yet comforting, nuanced yet holistic, scholarly yet colloquial, and timely yet timeless. It’s a sprawling journey that oscillates between micro and macro contexts, uplifting and challenging wellness seekers from every walk of life. With Stress Wisely, Dr. Robyne offers weary voyagers true calm in a time of chaos. For everyone experiencing stress and burnout, Stress Wisely is what you’ve been waiting for."

Hamza Khan, future of work expert and author of Leadership, Reinvented

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe combines lived experience and scientific expertise in perfect measure to provide a comprehensive approach to make stress less stressful. I can’t imagine anyone more qualified to take us on this journey. Stress Wisely offers up both a novel mindset and a new skillset when it comes to reconciling and wrangling the stress in your life. These are ideas to last a lifetime."

Liane Davey, PhD, organizational psychologist and bestselling author of The Good Fight

We all have stress in our lives. Some of it is good and helps us get things done. Some of it is bad and can impact our ability to live our lives to the fullest. Get ready to unlearn, learn, and integrate Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe’s stress-wisely principles. Through research, data, and amazing storytelling, you’ll feel your stress release as you turn the pages. You’ll name it, claim it, and tame it! Breathe and enjoy.

Bill G. Williams, speaker, executive coach, and author of Electric Life

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe’s fresh take on established science and thought leadership on wellness is a blueprint for how to live your life. This book is a wonderful gift, and it’s laced with heartfelt moments and examples that we can all relate to. Stress Wisely is a tune-up for the soul."

Glenn Vollebregt, president and CEO of St. Lawrence College

Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe’s valuable perspective on prioritizing the power of connection and personal recovery will inspire you to become an unstoppable force for wellness in your community.

Riaz Meghji, keynote speaker and author of Every Conversation Counts

"Stress Wisely was like having a coffee with Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe. It provided me with a better understanding and useful tools to help me deal with the challenges of running a business, having a family, and trying to navigate my health. Dr. Robyne’s book came at a time when I was feeling stretched like a bear skin, desperate for the tools to loosen the tension. Through her gift of storytelling and expertise, I am feeling better equipped to handle my life."

Stu Saunders, founder and head gardener of Peregrine ECE, YLCC, and the EPIC Community

"Stress Wisely is a deeply moving and insightful book that has the power to transform the way you live your life. Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe’s passion for helping people to navigate stress and cultivate wellness is evident in every page, and her warm and approachable writing will make you feel like you’re having a heart-to-heart conversation with a trusted friend. She draws on her extensive research and experience in the fields of stress, resiliency, and wellness to provide practical guidance on how to navigate the complexities of modern life. What sets Stress Wisely apart is Dr. Robyne’s ability to communicate complex concepts in a relatable and engaging way, using personal anecdotes and a conversational tone to create an emotional connection. As you read, you’ll feel a sense of empowerment and inspiration to take control of your life and make positive changes. Her emphasis on self-awareness and self-care will leave you feeling motivated to cultivate a healthier and more balanced lifestyle. Above all, you’ll feel a deep sense of gratitude for Dr. Robyne’s wisdom and guidance, and a renewed hope for what’s possible in your life."

Natalie Tysdal, journalist, media expert, and host of The Natalie Tysdal Podcast

"Combining the power of courageous storytelling, scientific insights, and unapologetic authenticity, Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe invites readers to be the engineer of their own wellness. She offers instantly implementable tools and relatable aha moments that spark understanding, wisdom, and commitment to growth toward a life of purpose and health. Stress Wisely is a gift for all who want to unlock their wellness potential and thrive personally and professionally."

Samra Zafar, author of the national bestseller A Good Wife

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe is the kind and wise guide that we need for these times. In Stress Wisely, she shows us that resilience, healing, and thriving is for anyone and everyone. Full of insightful research and relatable personal stories, this guide is a gift for happiness and well-being."

Melissa Leong, money expert, speaker, and author of Happy Go Money

"Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe has created an absolute must-read for anyone feeling stress in today’s ever-changing, fast-paced world. Her approach to stress and the effects it has on one’s overall life is grounded—not just in research, but also in the realities of everyday life. No pretence. Just the reality of being real. That life is not easy, and you don’t have to make it look so. She introduces her Eight Realms of Wellness framework and how stress in one area can affect all other areas of one’s life and overall wellness. Using research, personal experiences, and her incredible ability to make science relatable and digestible, Dr. Robyne looks at the individual puzzle pieces of wellness and how they fit into the big picture of life. This book is not about being perfect. It is about becoming aware of the factors—the stressors—that may be preventing you from living your best life. Your best life—not the one that others think you should be living."

Heather Moyse, speaker, founder of The Possibility Playground, 2x Olympic gold medallist, and author of Redefining ‘Realistic’

People are becoming so stressed that they are stressing out about how stressed out they are. Finally, someone has documented something really honest, kind, and above all else, useful. Thank you for helping us make sense of it all.

Phil M. Jones, bestselling author of Exactly What to Say

How to Be Well in an Unwell World. Page Two.Stress Wisely. Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe

Copyright © 2023 by Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright licence, visit accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians or mental health professionals. The reader should consult a physician or mental health professional in matters relating to their physical or mental health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Cataloguing in publication information is available from Library and Archives Canada.

ISBN 978-1-77458-262-6 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-77458-263-3 (ebook)

Page Two

pagetwo.com

Edited by Kendra Ward

Copyedited by Jenny Govier

Proofread by Alison Strobel

Jacket and interior design by Jennifer Lum

Interior illustrations by Jeff Winocur

Indexed by Stephen Ullstrom

Printed and bound in Canada by Friesens

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Distributed in the US and internationally by Macmillan

Ebook by Legible Publishing Services

23 24 25 26 27 5 4 3 2 1

robynehd.ca

This book is dedicated to my first teachers, Lesley and Michael,

to my greatest teachers, Ava Lesley, Jaxson, and Hunter,

and to little Robyne

My love for you all has no end.

I respectfully acknowledge that this work was written upon the treaty and traditional territory of the Michi Saagiig Anishinaabeg. I am a settler on these lands. I offer my gratitude and give thanks to the people who have walked before me.

Contents

Getting to Okay

PART I

How Fine Got Us Into This Situation

1

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

2

Stress as We Know It

3

Buckets Full of Stress

4

Stress Meets Her Ally

PART II

How Wellness Can Help Us Out

5

The Body

6

The Heart

7

The Mind

8

Community

9

Our World

10

Our Roles

11

Resources

12

The Soul

13

The Five Forces of Recovery

Lighthouses and an Anchor

Acknowledgements

Notes

Index

Landmarks

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Page

Table of Contents

Getting to Okay

"

Nothing lasts forever—not even your troubles.

Arnold H. Glasow

"

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

John Steinbeck

Getting to Okay

More than half the events I have gone through in my life, I was not ready for. If I had seen the path that was before me in its entirety, I can only hope I would have had the strength to take the first step. We are taught that life is a journey with endless possibilities and promise. There will be moments that take our breath away. Experiences that define our true purpose. Insights that irrevocably change how we see the world. Love that will transform us. If we do right, put in the work, and follow those golden rules, we will be rewarded with the good life. What is not as explicit in this promise of a good life is that, while we are doing our best to achieve it, we will also experience stressors that will bring us to our knees.

How do we even begin working toward living the good life when the global landscape is ever changing? What even is the good life anymore? The ancient philosophers had theories about this. In overly simplified examples, Plato said it was finding your function or purpose in being here. Socrates believed it was fulfilling your inner life with an expanded mind. Spiritual texts like the Bhagavad Gita talk about dharma. Buddhism teaches the Eightfold Path. The Bible promises the good life in heaven, and to get there, we are encouraged to act righteously, forgive, and be humble while we are here. But as we try to sift through the philosophical and spiritual components of living a good life, where does a clean house, remembering teacher gifts at the holidays, working under a mediocre boss with unreasonable expectations, and our jean size fit in? Imagine this full continuum of a good life, with every aspect of our health and wellness dialed in, with oneness with God at one end and ageless skin at the other.

But for real, life is not only hard as hell but also joy-filled, complicated, contradictory, and messy. Think about it: the same brain and body are supposed to be all things to everyone, all the time, while being selfless and self-centred. In the same twenty-four hours, we are challenged to find higher purpose, meditate, and be altruistic, while also signing permission forms and trying to match socks. And the reality for many people is far more grievous. Some are trying to do everything while also managing food scarcity, discrimination, or violence. To top it off, somewhere along the line we were taught that we are supposed to make all this look easy! My friend, let this be your first permission slip of this book. You do not have to make your life look easy.

Exhale.

If you feel as though you are trapped in a vortex of demands, wants, desires, dreams, obligations, evaluations, expectations, and commitments, you are not alone. If your life is fuelled by shoulds, have-tos, and musts, you are not alone.

The pace of life has dramatically increased, and the bodies that carry us through it are desperately trying to catch up. The problem is that human evolution does not progress as quickly as our technology. Our whole self is underdeveloped for the tasks at hand, and the bar keeps rising. Many of us spend our waking hours trying and grasping. We keep chasing enough and coming up short. This repetitive state of striving, juggling while on wobbly footing, convinces many of us that we are the problem. The self-help industry confirms it. We are failing at our own lives. How have we let this happen?

Let’s pause for awareness here: we are not the problem. When we look at everything society tells us about our priorities and what they should be, it appears we have essentially brought a Fruit Roll-Up to a knife fight. We are underprepared and did not understand the assignment.

Thankfully, awareness of our situation is a gift. Awareness puts us in a precious place where we can choose differently. Some may choose a different weapon—perhaps the keto diet will save us this time—and others will choose to walk away. When you choose to walk away, please know I am here to walk alongside you. Let’s chart a new course together. All collectives—people changing their world and then the world—started with one person who dreamed it could be different.

The Current Lay of the Land

Unparalleled stress, unrest, and uncertainty are becoming common. As a result, the blast radius is wide. Often in such challenging seasons, the collateral damage is our wellness, our sense of self, and our dreams. The average pace and complexity of most people’s lives tends to be full, heavy, and wildly unsustainable. I have had times of running my life at such a pace that a sick child, a dog on the loose, forgotten gym shoes, or needing to stop for gas would send my day to hell in a hand basket. Every minute was scheduled and accounted for and required precision execution. When we constantly operate at 100 per cent, we have little to no room for errors, surprises, or do-overs, let alone learning, reflection, stillness, or healing. Our physical, emotional, and mental health are being tested and taxed every day. And at no other time in history have we had access to such vast information and resources to address our problems, yet many of us feel more lost and alone than ever before.

Then there are others who, it seems, have figured out another path. I want to learn about that path! The one where my worth as a mother is not contingent on my children’s grades or the cleanliness of my baseboards, and my value as a woman is not contingent on my job, hobbies, level of fitness, or how well behaved my dogs are when a package is delivered.

Chances are that you too have noticed that your world is heavy. You carry it well, yet it comes at a cost. Many people I work with are feeling discouraged. Rightfully so. Feeling good and living a good life feels so elusive. Sustaining our wellness is like shovelling snow in a blizzard or cleaning the kitchen while the teenagers are awake. Everywhere we turn, we hear and see messages that are designed to make us feel as though we are failing. There is always more to do. People are watching, judging, and commenting on our every move. Social media is built on the psychology of social comparison under the guise of social connection. Us versus them is rampant. Deltas form between who we are, how we want to feel, and our realities.

These cuts run deep. Our egos are bruised. Our minds are full. Our hearts are longing. Our bodies are depleted. We are a whole other level of tired. We ache in our bones. And gosh—we could really use time at home to finally get organized and get our lives on track. I just need a week off to get my life in order. I said something like this on March 5, 2020. I just need a day at home. Maybe I should have been careful what I wished for?

Stressed Out in a Stressed World

In 2021, my research team and I conducted an informal survey, asking people all over Canada, coast to coast to coast, to describe how they were feeling that day using just one word. By this point, our world had entered its second year of a global pandemic. A resounding amount of people responded with the word DONE. People have had enough. As a collective, we have all experienced varying degrees of micro and macro traumas since March 2020. We are permanently changed from living during COVID-19. And many people were already in a precarious place emotionally, physically, economically, and mentally before the world was engulfed by this deadly virus.

We are living through the most significant global health crisis in our time while also facing a needed racial reckoning. Meanwhile, travesties that have been and continue to be committed against Indigenous communities are coming to light, as are many other social injustices. We are seeing educators, health practitioners, and families pitted against one another. The divides among ideas, beliefs, values, and actions have become expansive. We are weary, wobbly, and discouraged. And meanwhile we are fully in it, facing seasons upon seasons of devasting environmental catastrophes as our climate swings wildly out of balance. We are in a dire situation with no end in sight, yet we persist because that is what we do. I don’t know how much more I can take, shared one person during a call. I am scared that now after feeling everything, I can’t feel anything. I am numb. This is a very normal response in abnormal times. Dr. Charles Figley calls this compassion fatigue, often described as the cost of caring.¹ This is a feeling of numbness and hopelessness resulting from direct and indirect exposure to pain, suffering, and uncertainty. It is hard to hold hope after such stressful events. And being told that personal resiliency and self-care will remedy the situation only exacerbates our collective weariness.

Bandages on Bullet Wounds

Telling someone to be resilient or self-care themselves back to good when the world is on fire is like putting a bandage on a bullet hole. It might stop the bleed for a millisecond, but the injury needs a proper intervention. As a scholar of resiliency and wellness, I am deeply concerned with how resiliency and wellness are being weaponized. Amid systems of corruption and social injustices, telling people to just be more resilient or to up their self-care is cruel. The reality is that governments, organizations, systems, and companies also need to carry responsibility in addressing the demands on their people. The demands are rising, and our supply of self-care is not proportionate. Professional care is also needed. Self-care is what we bring. Professional care is what an organization or community can do to mediate and address the stressors.

Perhaps you have heard the old adage that calm seas don’t make strong sailors. Well, my friend, that is very true! Yet being in the storm and letting it knock you around is not what makes the sailor strong; rather, a constellation of variables working concurrently does. Honouring the mighty force of nature while knowing how to trust your instincts and use key skills, techniques, and strategies is going to keep you alive. Navigating through storms also requires leaning into your prior knowledge and lived experiences while being open and nimble so you can apply, execute, evaluate, adjust, and persist, all while waves are crashing over the front of your boat. Navigating through storms involves knowing how, above all else, to meet the waves head on, bow forward, because when the waves hit us from the sides or from behind, we are likely going under.

The same is true for stress. Simply being in hard times or situations doesn’t make us any better at managing stress. It is what we do before, during, and after the experience that fosters and strengthens our resolve and capacity. This is what my work on learning how to stress wisely is all about.

The practice of stressing wisely that I lay out in this book encompasses radically accepting that stress is a natural part of every single season of our lives in some form or another and choosing to engage with those stressors in a well way. In the chapters that follow, I will share with you key insights about stress from multiple perspectives and thought systems. I will unpack and present research-informed practices with the Eight Realms of Wellness framework that can positively impact your daily life in practical and sustainable ways. I will invite you to challenge yourself to build upon your prior knowledge, sometimes by unlearning long-standing beliefs about your wellness. I will also embolden you to face the excuses you may have been using to hold yourself back from being truly well. This book is not intended to fix you or your life, because neither is broken. I whole-heartedly believe that each and every person is doing the best they can in this moment with the histories, knowledge, and resources they have. This book is intended to show you that you are not alone. I vow to share things that can help you navigate every aspect of your life. Because you are worthy of being well. I know this because you are still alive, which means better ways and days are ahead. Together we will become stronger sailors for the seas of our lives.

BRAIDING TOGETHER KNOWLEDGE, PRACTICES, AND WISDOM

As a behaviourist, I deeply appreciate the use of tools and strategies to help people adapt, cope, learn, and grow. I can also read the room, and I know the last thing people want to be told is that they need