Solace in the Storm: Caring for Loved Ones of Every Generation

By Merle Griff

Life can change in an instant. Even when the water seems calm, you can be thrown suddenly into the unfamiliar storm of caregiving.

Most people will serve as a caregiver at some point in their lives, whether to their children, their spouse, their parents, or even their grandchildren. Despite how common the experience is, it’s difficult to find quick, easy, and practical advice to help you survive the never-ending stress of caring for a loved one.

For anyone searching for support in moments of family crisis, Dr. Merle Griff’s Solace in the Storm can be your guide. Griff, a therapist who has helped families overcome the challenges of providing care at all stages of life, offers easy-to-apply solutions to common caregiving problems.

Whether it’s dealing with uninvited opinions from friends and family members, communicating with healthcare professionals, or finding time for yourself, Solace in the Storm provides the direction you need to ride out even the roughest seas. Griff provides stories from people who have been where you are now—and her own life—to help readers get through what seems like the impossible.

Caregiving can be needed at any point in your loved ones’ lives. In this book, Griff looks at caregiving throughout the human lifecycle, starting with infancy through caring for adult parents. And she gives advice on how friends and family can help, either by lending a hand or by learning what to say—and what not to say.

Solace in the Storm will serve as your lifelong resource for quick tips, resources, and words of support and encouragement—a companion you will turn to again and again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Forbes Books
• Release date: Sep 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887500713

Merle Griff

DR. MERLE D. GRIFF, is the founder and CEO of SarahCare, an adult day health center with locations throughout the United States. She began her career working with children as a play therapist and developed therapeutic techniques that are used throughout the world. Dr. Griff brings her clinical expertise and personal experience to her podcast about caregiving throughout the life cycle, Caught Between Generations.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

The Storm

Life can change in an instant. Suddenly, you can be thrown into the unfamiliar storm of caregiving.

That’s what happened to me the day I got the call from my brother. He was in Florida, where he and my mother both lived. She had had a very dense stroke. Despite the best efforts of her doctors, the stroke took away her ability to speak, and she was paralyzed on one side.

But, as my friends always used to say, my mother’s finger and her eyes could tell you a lot. Even though she wasn’t speaking, she was still there. Rather than putting her in a nursing facility, I decided to bring her to live with me in Ohio.

Thus began my new life as her caregiver.

In actuality, I first became a caregiver as most people do: as a parent to my two sons. Despite my background as a therapist and expertise in working with children and families, I found new motherhood to be a challenge. Throughout those years, I learned a lot about the frustrations of that role and how overwhelming it could be.

Still, I wasn’t prepared for how all consuming and stressful caring for my mother would be. I took care of her in my home for a number of years until she passed away. But that wasn’t the end of my role as a caregiver. Not long after my mother died, my husband, who was retired, became ill and started to suffer from muscular weakness. He ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia and a type of flu that has a high fatality rate. He never recovered his strength. As I did with my mother, I kept him at home but this time with around-the-clock help. He was a large man, and I was not physically capable of moving him from bed to wheelchair or to perform all his personal care.

A few years later, I lost him after he contracted COVID-19 while in the hospital.

From parenthood, from caring for my mother and husband, and from listening to my clients, I’ve learned a lot about caregiving—lessons that you can’t learn from a textbook. One thing I learned is that I didn’t want to read a heavy textbook to get help! When you’re overwhelmed, stressed, and have your hands full, you need ideas that are quick, easy, and digestible. Most information out there about caregiving is too long and takes too much time to read and then integrate into your life.

When I did a radio show on caregiving, I came to understand that you, as a family caregiver, need to hear something that you can take away, something that you can do in a couple minutes. We’re talking about survival! That’s the type of help I want to share with you.

And I also want you to understand, through the stories I share and from my own personal experiences, that others have been where you are now. Please know that you are not alone.

The Yin and Yang of Caregiving

Two lessons I’ve learned about caregiving can be found in this quote by Kahlil Gilbran:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life, not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.¹

I read this quote as saying that your life might be tough, you might have had a bad day, but you can always look at the same set of facts in two different ways. You can either continue to see things in a negative light, or you can reframe them to a positive.

For example, it’s the difference between going to bed at night and thinking through how much the children annoyed you: They drove me crazy today, and I’m exhausted. Or you can think along these lines: I made it through the day. Someone else would not have done as well as I did. I’m a pretty good mom. The kids basically are healthy and doing well. We have enough money to live comfortably and have food on the table.

There’s a difference between those two ways of looking at things. Reframing like this can help.

On the other hand …

Caregivers sometimes need to feel the pain. You have to allow yourself to say, This is a horrible thing that I’m going through. It’s really, really difficult. I feel terrible about this, and it’s hard for me.

And then you can move on.

Sometimes denying that emotion or reaction is doubly exhausting because you’re experiencing it while denying it at the same time. Know that you’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling.

A Bit about Me

In addition to my life experience, I bring my background as a therapist to this topic. I began my professional career working with children and youths as a play therapist. I developed therapeutic techniques that have been published and used throughout the world, namely Family Play Therapy and Intergenerational Play Therapy. As director of the McKinley Center Intergenerational Project, I developed programs that brought together children—from babies through college age—with seniors.

In 1985, I founded the SarahCare Center, opening the first facility in Ohio. Originally called SARAH (Senior Adult Recreation and Health), the facility was one of the first intergenerational sites in the US. The senior adult day health center was located next to a child day care center and served as a training and research site for developing other unique intergenerational programs across the country.

A shift in our approach to caring for families and primary family caregivers was a result of my experience caring for my mother. I couldn’t find suitable options for the families I worked with and for my own mother. That led me to expand SarahCare’s services to include more programs designed to ease the stress of family caregivers and help them make their lives a little easier.

Have You Experienced These Situations?

I see some common patterns among caregivers and among their family members or friends who might want to help. Do any of these situations seem familiar? This book is filled with scenarios like these and practical feedback that you can put into action.

As a caregiver I must always strive to be understanding and patient, especially with members of my family who are seniors.

While it might be acceptable to complain about your kids, there’s a myth that you should always be kind and loving while caring for seniors and that they never do anything that would provoke you to be upset or to lose your patience with them. The myth is that the seniors are always pleasant, smiling, lovely people.

That’s not true.

I’ve known seniors to take a cane and hit a family caregiver. I’ve known seniors to be very insulting and verbally abusive to a family caregiver.

The fact of the matter is they sometimes do things to provoke us and make us angry. It’s acceptable to complain about it and to put a stop to these behaviors.

I am just doing what is expected of me. I shouldn’t expect or look for gratitude or words of praise.

I often deal with people who say, I know I’m just a parent and that raising the kids is my job. Or I know these are my parents, and I should be doing that because that’s my responsibility. I shouldn’t feel bad that no one ever says thank you to me or no one ever gives me a compliment.

That’s not true either! It’s okay to feel like you want approval, thanks, or appreciation. Don’t hesitate to ask for it.

I understand that my family member who is providing care is tired and doing their best, but this is my parent also. And the care is not up to my standards. Even though I live in another city, it is my right to say whatever I feel needs to be said.

When you’re caring for a relative such as a parent, family members (usually siblings) feel as though it’s their right to walk in and say whatever they want when they’re visiting. They immediately notice what they don’t like and feel as though it’s their right to say to the person who’s been there, usually working and caregiving at the same time, This is not right. They offer advice and tell you what you should be doing. But they’re not the ones who are exhausted. They haven’t been caregiving around the clock.

I try to say to siblings, you may be right in what you’re saying, but everything will go a lot better if you open the door by saying something positive. There’s always something positive that you can see and comment on. Mom looks well fed. She looks happy. Or She’s dressed so nicely today. Thank you for taking care of her. What would we do without you?

Say something that’s positive at the beginning, as opposed to striking the iron the minute you walk in the door. You haven’t been there and don’t really know the whole picture until you’ve been there for a while.

We are a family and so, with love, I want to tell you that I think that your children are not well behaved and are usually out of control.

Family and friends often feel the need to offer their opinion. (I’ve been on the receiving end of that!) People give an opinion about your children’s behavior and activities, unsolicited.

The other thing they do that drives parents crazy is when your child is in the middle of a temper tantrum or other misbehavior, they walk up and tell you what to do. They say things like, If you did this, instead of that, maybe they wouldn’t be so upset while you’re in the middle of trying to handle it.

I would advise these people: there are a time and a place for your advice and your opinion. And the middle of a meltdown isn’t the time and place.

I asked him if he needed any help. He said she nor I no, so that means everything is okay.

People often say to caregivers, Do you need any help? And if they say no, they assume that everything’s okay. But that’s usually not the case. What usually is the case is they feel uneasy about asking for help. They don’t want to bother you, or they don’t know what to tell you they need help with.

One of the tactics that I suggest to caregivers is to write down a list of things that you need help with, such as returning a book to a library or going to the drugstore to pick up a prescription. Then, if someone says, Is there anything I can do to help you? you can say, Yes. Could you run these over to the library and pick up my books that I have on order? That would be really helpful. You’re prepared.

If you’re asking someone if they want your help, first, be prepared to actually help. Second, try to be specific. Say, Is there some task or chore that I could do for you?

When someone is caring for someone with dementia, you could make an offer along the lines of, "I can come over for two to three hours and watch reruns of I Love Lucy with your mom."

Another gesture that is very helpful is to send over a meal using one of the delivery services. Besides providing some relief, it makes that person feel like they’re being cared about.

My son and daughter offered to help, but there’s nothing they can do. They’re too busy with their own lives.

I was talking to a woman who was very overwhelmed caring for her husband. I got her to tell me specifically what she could use help with. One of those things was financial management.

Her son is an accountant who lives several hours away. I asked, Is he willing to help you? And she said that he comes in once a month to visit her and his dad, and that he would be more than willing to help with her finances when he’s in. But she said, When he’s here, I know he is tired, and I don’t want to bother him.

I told her, Let him do it. He’ll feel better. He’s trying to find a way to help you.

You don’t realize that sometimes the person asking you actually does want to help. They want to contribute in some way. Take advantage of these offers and provide guidance for what you really need.

Solace in the Storm

Caregiving can be needed at any point in your loved ones’ lives. In this book, we’ll look at caregiving throughout the human lifecycle, starting with infancy. I’ll also talk about how your friends and family can help, either by lending a hand or by learning what to say … and what not to say.

Take heart; there’s solace in the storm. imgsecimage.jpg

CHAPTER 1

Caring for Young Children

Caregiving involves different responsibilities and different skills at different times in your life. As we age, so do our children, our parents, our siblings, and our spouses. And at each phase in life, our role as a caregiver can mean something new.

For many of us, the first time we take responsibility for the health and well-being of another person is when we become parents. And as