Comedy Sketches, Scenes, and One-Act Plays for the Classroom and Performance

By B K Buis

This ebook includes seventy comedy scenes suitable for classwork or performance as well as seven complete one-act plays for schools to perform.

• Language: English
• Publisher: B K Buis
• Release date: May 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215127513

B K Buis

B.K. Buis has been a high school Language Arts and Theatre teacher for twenty-seven years. He's written many skits for Pioneer Drama., and The Family Tree is his first young adult novel. He also co-founded and ran a community theatre, The New London Theatre, in Snellville, Georgia.

Book preview

COMEDY SKETCHES, SCENES, AND ONE-ACT PLAYS  

FOR THE CLASSROOM AND PERFORMANCE 

by B.K.Buis 

Published by B.K. Buis at Smashwords 

Copyright 2023 B.K. Buis 

Smashwords Edition, License Notes 

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.  This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.  If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.  If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy.  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. 

Copies of this ebook may be reproduced free for classroom work.  If any performance is in front of a paying audience, in lieu of royalties, please make a contribution to  

The Buis Book Foundation, which is a nonprofit that donates books to elementary students, at: www.buisbookfoundation.org.   

PRODUCTION NOTES: Most scenes require minimal props, costumes or set pieces. Genders are flexible.   

TABLE OF CONTENTS  

TWO PERSON SCENES 

Another Writer  

Bearing Bad News 

Birdbrains 

Breaking Up 

The Bums 

The Children of Adam and Eve 

The Comic 

Continental Drift 

The Customer 

The Dogcatcher 

Dream Date 

Evolution 

Excuses 

Fear of Flying 

The Hunter 

Killer Homework 

KOMMIES 

Lifestyles of the Drab and Ridiculous 

The Mailman  

McSurgeons  

Mind Reading 

The Missilemen 

The Mosquito 

New Recruit 

The Newlyweds 

Nothing Personal 

Our Own Good 

The Parent Talk 

The Patent Office 

The PC Mart 

Professional Protesters  

Progress 

Sis Boom Bah 

Smoke Signals 

Steal a Fortune 

The Teacher 

To Save the World  

Useless but High Paying 

The Weatherman 

Whatchamacallits  

Who's on the Radio? 

Wrinkles 

MONOLOGUE 

New History

THREE PERSON SCENES 

The Candidates

The Clever Hen

FOUR OR MORE PERSON SCENES 

American Gladiator Housewives

Fashion Sense

Graduation Day

Gypardy

Language Arts Law

Legalese

Star Schmeck

The Stothing Clore

The Test

ONE-ACT SHOWS 

Wild Kingdom High School, including the scenes Regular Old Student – 2; Working Harder – 3; The Modern Classroom, Part 1 – 4; The Lunchroom – 4; The Modern Classroom, Part 2 – 4; Homework – 5; The Parent Conference – 3; The Modern Classroom, Part 3 – 4; Crowd Control - 5

Wild Kingdom High School Redux, including the scenes Testing – 6; Product Placement – 3; First-Year Teacher – 2; Administrator 101 – 1; Captain Language Arts Man/Wonder Language Arts Woman – 8; The Aptitude Test - 10

Alice in Wonderland

The Boy (Or Girl) Who Cried Stampeding Herd of Elephants

Cinderella

Little Red Riding Hood

The Wind in the Willows

ANOTHER WRITER

AT RISE: FIRST is sleeping Onstage. At his head are seven books. SECOND creeps on from stage right. HE/SHE looks behind him, stage right, and FIRST sneaks a glance at him. SECOND creeps up and steals one of the books. FIRST jumps up.

FIRST:    Hey!

SECOND:    (Innocently, holding the book behind his back) Yes?

FIRST: What do you think you're doing?

SECOND: Me?

FIRST:    Yes, you!

SECOND:     What does it look like I'm doing?

FIRST: Well, nothing right now.

SECOND:    Exactly! That's what I'm doing. Nothing! :

FIRST: You stole one of my books!

SECOND:     I what?

FIRST: Stole one of my books.

SECOND:    Oh, I'm sure you're mistaken.

FIRST: I saw you!

SECOND: Are you sure it was me?

FIRST: Of course, it was you.

SECOND: It wasn't just someone who looked like me?

FffiST: No! I watched you!

SECOND: Well, I don't remember a thing about it.

FIRST: What's that behind your back?

SECOND: (Turns around suddenly as if someone was creeping up

on him, keeping the book away from FIRST.) Where?

FIRST: There! What are you holding?

SECOND:  (Turns back around, shifting the book behind him.) Nothing.

FIRST: Bring your hands out here.

SECOND: Are you sure you didn't just misplace it?

FIRST: Yes.

SECOND:    Did you count them?

FIRST: No! I saw you steal one.

SECOND: Perhaps you think you saw me take one, but it's really there on your pile.

FIRST:   I don't need to count them.

SECOND:    You're not very polite.

FIRST:   I don't have to be polite.

SECOND:    Who told you that?

FIRST:     No one! You stole my book!

SECOND:    Can you describe it?

FIRST:   I don't need to describe it!

SECOND: Ah! But if you can't describe it, it could be mistaken for any other book I may happen to be carrying. (Brings book out.) Like this one.

FIRST: That's it!

SECOND: That's what?

FIRST: My book!

SECOND: A likely story! A second ago, you didn't even know what it looked like, and now, you suddenly think that this is it.

FIRST: I know it is!

SECOND: Well, I don't.

FIRST: You're the one who took it.

SECOND: And you're certain this is the one?

FIRST: Yes.

SECOND: It isn't any other?

FIRST: No!

SECOND: How many books do you have there?

FIRST: Now I've got six.

SECOND: And you want this one too?

FIRST: It's mine!

SECOND: What's wrong with six?

FIRST: Nothing.

SECOND: And you won't even share it?

FIRST: Well ...  yes. I'll share it.

SECOND: I just wanted to borrow it.

FIRST: Well, I'm sorry. It looked like you were trying to steal it.

SECOND:   Thank you very much for that! Do I look like a thief?

FIRST:     I don't know.

SECOND:   You don't even know what a thief looks like?

FIRST:     Well ...

SECOND:   That's just great! Do you call everyone you meet a thief?

FIRST:    Of course not!

SECOND:   I should hope so.

FIRST:    But everyone I meet isn't sneaking up on me.

SECOND: Sneaking! Now I was sneaking? Who am I, Gollum? Do you make friends easily?

FIRST:    What does that mean?

SECOND: Nothing! You'll call me a prying, slimy burglar next!

FIRST: I would not!

SECOND: You're probaby not smart enough.

FIRST: I beg your pardon?

SECOND: Oh, don't whine!

FIRST:     I wasn't ...

SECOND: Do you want the rest of your books?

FIRST: Yes, I want them!

SECOND: I was just asking. I'll be finished with this one in a minute.

(SECOND lays the book down and pulls out a box of matches – or fake candle - and takes one out.)

FIRST: What's that for?

SECOND: Nothing.

(SECOND picks up the book.)

FIRST: What are you doing?

(SECOND gives him a stony stare. He strikes the match/turns on the candle and prepares to light the book.)

FIRST: Stop!

(FIRST blows out the match.)

SECOND:     How dare you?!

FIRST: You were going to burn my book!

SECOND:   You said I could borrow it.

FIRST: Borrow it, yes! Not burn it!

SECOND:   Do I have to ask for everything? May I open it? May I read it? May I turn the page?

FIRST:     Yes.

SECOND:    Well, I don't want to do any of that. I want to burn it!

FIRST:     Why?

SECOND:  ( Pause) It probably has a lot of nasty words in it.

FIRST:     What do you mean, probably?

SECOND:  How should I know? I haven't read the damn thing.

FIRST:   Then why were you going to burn it?

SECOND:    It has to do with economics.

FIRST:     Economics?

SECOND:          Exactly! May I get on with it?

(SECOND takes out another match/prepares the candle.)

FIRST:     No! What does economics have to do with burning a book about literature?

SECOND:    Let me put it this way. It's the law of supply and demand. Now, may I begin?

FIRST:     No! What are you talking about?

SECOND:    I'll make it simpler. I am a writer. (Silence) All right. Let's say, hypothetically, that I am a shoemaker. Have you got that?

FIRST: Yes.

SECOND:    Then, obviously, it would help my business if no one had any shoes.

FIRST: So you want everyone to have to read your books!

SECOND:    And they said God was dead!

FIRST: That's ridiculous!

SECOND:    No, it isn't!

FIRST:     Yes, it is!

SECOND: No, it isn't! Well, maybe it is. You see, I'm not a very good writer.

FIRST:     Really?

SECOND:    Actually, I'm awful. Even I don't read it.

FIRST: Then why are you doing it?

SECOND:  I've got to do something! If I can burn enough books, they'll have to read mine!

FIRST: No, I mean why do you still write?

SECOND: Why do I write? Is that what you said? Why do I write? What a ridiculous question.

FIRST:  (Pause) Well?

SECOND: It's in my blood! It's a disease! A curse! I hate it.

FIRST:   You hate it?

SECOND: It's driving me crazy! I have to walk around with a glazed look and write everything down. If I can't find paper, I use chewing gum wrappers, the tops of my shoes. I've had to scrub my arms so many times, they're raw.

FIRST: Can't you stop?

SECOND:  Stop? Stop!? I could try. Wouldn't hurt, would it? I don't suppose you'd let me burn one last book, would you?

FIRST: No.

SECOND:    Half a book? Chapter or two?

FIRST: I don't think so.

SECOND: Yes, that's probably better. Cold typewriter, as it were. Well! I feel better already.

FIRST:       Aren't you forgetting something?

SECOND: Am I?

FIRST: Pencil and paper?

SECOND: Ah! Right. Here you go.

(SECOND hands FIRST pencil and pad of paper.)

SECOND: OK.

(SECOND takes a tentative step.)

SECOND: Well, that's that. No more writing for me.

FIRST: And no more burning books.

SECOND:    Exactly. Well, thank you.

(SECOND takes another step.)

SECOND: Yes! Everything's fine.

FIRST: Good.

SECOND:    Thank you. Goodbye.

(SECOND exits. FIRST lays down after a satisfied sigh. SECOND rushes on and grabs all the books.)

SECOND: Aha!

(SECOND runs off with FIRST in hot pursuit.)

(Curtain)

BEARING BAD NEWS

AT RISE: A Roman MESSENGER runs onstage, panting, from a disastrous war. CAESAR is waiting to hear the news.)

MESSENGER: Hail, Caesar.

CAESAR: Welcome. What news from the front and remember what happens to the bearer of bad news.

MESSENGER: Couldn't be better. The Huns are on the run. The Saxons are being sacked. And the Gauls have no gall at all.

CAESAR: No Gaul gall, eh?

MESSENGER: Yes. 1 mean no. None at all.

CAESAR: How many prisoners did we take?

MESSENGER: Countless!

CAESAR: That many? Would you say in the thousands?

MESSENGER: I would say a thousand times over that I know not the precise number.

CAESAR: Wonderful! What about Flavius? How did he fare?

MESSENGER: Fantastically! Not a scratch on him. He directed the men with skill and daring and not a single man was lost.

CAESAR: Not a single one?

MESSENGER: Yes, Caesar. Of course, a few perished in the glorious struggle, but not a single man was lost. All accounted for.

CAESAR: Oh, he had a few losses, did he?

MESSENGER: Minor! Minor! What are a few hundred men in the face of such an overwhelming victory?

CAESAR: Yes, I suppose so. But he sent them packing, eh?

MESSENGER: Caesar, 1 do not exaggerate when I say that this will be written in the history books as one of the greatest defeats ever.

CAESAR: And the other generals? Marcus? Claudius?

MESSENGER: I'm afraid their news isn't quite so good.

CAESAR: (Threateningly) What?

MESSENGER: Yes, Caesar. Their victories weren't quite as stunning as Flavius'.

CAESAR: Victories?

NŒSSENGER: Well, what else could you call them? It was absolutely inspiring how Marcus rallied his men time and time again despite the ever-increasing odds against them.

CAESAR: But they fared well?

MESSENGER: I can assure you that their families won't have to worry about their welfare ever again.

CAESAR: Their families?

MESSENGER: Yes, Caesar. Their benefits from this battle should start very soon.

CAESAR: Ah! Bringing home treasures and the like.

MESSENGER: Something like the like.

CAESAR: So we were victorious on all fronts?

MESSENGER: The battles that were fought today will long be rued.

CAESAR: Rude?

MESSENGER: Rude by our standards but convincing nonetheless.

CAESAR: Well, I'm convinced.

MESSENGER: 1 was praying for that.

CAESAR: You have brought me nothing but good news. Is there anything you'd like as a reward?

MESSENGER: Nothing, Caesar, but the honor of reporting the news as truthfully as I can.

28 CAESAR: If you keep bringing me reports like this, you'll have a lifetime job.

30 MESSENGER: For the life of me, I certainly hope so. Hail, Caesar!

(Blackout)

BIRDBRAINS

AT RISE: Two birdwatchers, FIRST and SECOND, with binoculars, are in the woods counting birds.

FIRST: …seven…eight…nine, make that ten whipplegrouses. Got it?

SECOND: Uh-huh. (Yes.)

FIRST: And one, two, three…seven cardsharks. You got that?

SECOND: Yeah.

FIRST: Pretty light day.

SECOND: Well, it’s sort of late in the season.

FIRST: You kidding? Why, I remember back in fifty-four, I spotted seventeen spotted rumplerings in four hours this time of year.

SECOND: Wow!

FIRST: Wow is right. Hey! Look over there!

SECOND: Is that a pigeon-toed dwarfling?

FIRST: No. I think it’s the park ranger.

SECOND: Oh. Guess he has his back to us.

FIRST: And dwarflings don’t bob their heads like that. They’re more like this.

(FIRST does some strange head movement.)

SECOND: Right. But doesn’t the female go more like this?

(SECOND does some strange head movement.)

FIRST: Only during the mating season.

SECOND: Sure.

FIRST: They don’t do that just any old time. And their call, as you know, is very distinct. Sort of a cross between a nightingale and a crow.

(FIRST makes strange noise.)

SECOND: I was thinking more along the lines of a bluebird and a sea gull.

(SECOND makes strange noise.)

FIRST: Well, yeah, but only after the mating season.

SECOND: Wonder what kind of mating call he makes.

FIRST: Who?

SECOND: The park ranger.

FIRST: You are talking about an official of the United States government.

SECOND: Sorry.

FIRST: And it just so happens a friend of mind.

SECOND: Sorry. I didn’t know.

(Pause)

FIRST: I suppose it’d be something like, Hey, baby!

SECOND: What?

FIRST: His call. Hey, baby! Hey, baby! And maybe he’d do a little dance.

SECOND: And scratch at the ground. Maybe he’d even leave his droppings.

FIRST: Now don’t get personal.

SECOND: Sorry.

(Pause)

FIRST: Wonder what kind of call a lawyer’d make.

SECOND: Sue! Sue!

FIRST: And he’d have a huge bill.

SECOND: And flock toward carrion.

FIRST: And a doctor’d… (FIRST clears his throat.) Well, never mind what a doctor’d do. (Pause) But I bet he’d have a large bill, too.

SECOND: And never make nest calls.

(FIRST makes a strange call, and SECOND answers until they are both calling loud and long.)

FIRST: Ahem. He’s looking at us.

SECOND: What?

FIRST: The park ranger. He’s looking at us.

SECOND: Oh.

(They wave weakly.)

FIRST: Doesn’t seem to be many birds around either.

SECOND: Yeah. Strange.

FIRST: Wait. There’s a pigeon.

SECOND: OK.

FIRST: Nope, make that three…four…five. Got it?

SECOND: Yeah.

(Lights fade to black.)

BREAKING UP

AT RISE: A BOY and a GIRL are talking.

BOY: I can’t see you anymore.

GIRL: What?

BOY: I’m sorry.

GIRL: Wait a minute. That’s it? I can’t see you, I’m sorry. Good-bye?

BOY: Well…

GIRL: I thought you liked me.

BOY: I do, but it’s too difficult.

GIRL: What is?

BOY: Seeing you.

GIRL: What, I’m not good-looking enough?

BOY: No! You’re…good-looking.

GIRL: That’s not what you said last night.

BOY: Well, last night I wasn’t looking at you.

GIRL: Oh!

BOY: No! I don’t mean that. I mean it was on the phone.

GIRL: But now that you can see me, it’s different. Last night, I was beautiful, but today I’m just all right. Boys are all the same.

BOY: No, we’re not.

GIRL: Yes, you are. When we’re alone, it’s you’re so beautiful.

BOY: You are… (Whispered) beautiful.

GIRL: But when you get around your friends, we’re just scenery.

BOY: It has nothing to do with my friends.

GIRL: Then what does it have to do with?

BOY: It has to do with seeing you. With worrying about what you think. It’s just different when you’re here. On the phone I don’t see your reactions. I don’t worry about every facial tic you have.

GIRL: I don’t have facial tics.

BOY: I know! But every raised eyebrow, every time your mouth drops at the corner, every time you scratch your nose, I think you’re reacting in some way that I can’t understand. But if I did figure it out, it would somehow be disapproval. So I can’t see you anymore.

GIRL: Turn around.

BOY: What?

GIRL: Turn around.

BOY: Are you going to hit me?

GIRL: No. Just turn around.

(He does.)

GIRL: Okay.

BOY: Okay?

GIRL: So talk to me.

BOY: What?

GIRL: Talk to me! Like it was