Michael Winner's Hymie Joke Book

By Michael Winner

Feared and enjoyed around the world, Michael Winner's column in the Sunday Times is something of a phenomenon. One day, on a whim, the great man threw in a few of his favourite Jewish jokes. From such tiny acorns a cult following has grown, and old Hymie, the butt of many jokes, took on new life. By popular demand, here is a collection of the ribald, edgy and side-splittingly funny bon mots from Winner's much-loved (and hated) alter ego. This is not for the easily offended!

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Robson Press
• Release date: Oct 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781849544733

Book preview

THE JOKES

Hymie is getting very excited about the publication of some new Jewish erotica… 50 Shades of Oy Vey… Boom.

Mr Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Hymie who is, at the time, a confirmed bachelor. He says, Hymie, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time. Don’t bother, replies Hymie, I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs. That’s well and good, says the Matchmaker, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife. I said two sisters. I didn’t say they were mine, responds Hymie.

Hymie and his wife Becky join their synagogue’s Hebrew classes. At the end of their first week their teacher, Rabbi Goldbloom, asks Hymie, So what do you think of my Hebrew class? It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, Rabbi, Hymie replies. Although if I’m honest, he adds, I must admit that I really only have to learn the first part of every sentence. Why’s that? asks Rabbi Goldbloom. Because, says Hymie, Becky always finishes my sentences for me.

Hymie is reading the paper. Look at this, he says to Becky. Police arrest two boys, one for drinking battery liquid, the other for smoking fireworks. They charged the first boy and let the other one off.

Hymie’s friend Moishe goes to the doctor who tells him, You’re going to die. Moishe says, I’d like a second opinion. The doctor says, You’re also very ugly.

Hymie asks Moishe, How was the funeral? Moishe replies, All right but the music wasn’t much good. We were the only two dancing.

Hymie is in Soho where he’s approached by a lady of the night. Would you sleep with me for £100? she asks. Well, says Hymie, I’m not really tired but I could do with the money.

Hymie opens the door. A lovely girl says, Your pal Moishe Pipick sent me as a present. I’m here to offer you super sex. Hymie replies, I’ll have the soup.

Hymie’s friend Abe goes to confession. I’m ninety-two years old, got a wife of seventy, children and grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking, went to a motel and had sex with each of them three times. The priest says, Are you sorry for your sins? Abe, What sins? Priest, What kind of Catholic are you? Abe, I’m Jewish. Priest, Then why are you telling me all this? Abe, I’m ninety-two years old, I’m telling everybody.

Hymie tells his friend Moishe, I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months. Moishe considers and says, You’d better think it over, Hymie. Women like that are hard to find.

Becky, Hymie’s wife, takes her duck to the vet. He says, Sorry, it’s dead. She says, I don’t believe it. The vet calls in a labrador dog. The dog sniffs the body of the duck, lowers its head dolefully, shakes it left to right and walks out. In comes a cat, licks the duck, lowers head, gives a sad nod of head and leaves. Vet says, That’ll be £1,000. Becky says, That’s outrageous. Vet responds, It would have been £200 but you’ve got to add the lab report and the cat scan.

Hymie walks into the Ivy carrying a duck. The mâitre d’ asks, What are you doing with the pig? Hymie replies, You complete idiot, it’s a duck. The mâitre d’ says, "I was talking to the