If NeceSSitY iS THe MotHer oF InVenTion, Who'S YoUR DaDDy?

By K. J. Rollins

Life is hard...and that is all I have to say about that. For me, it's not about what disaster befalls you, no sir! It's how you look at life overall. I attempt to find the lighter side of all situations, be it ever so inappropriate. (And boy howdy, have I had some situations to wade through!) Whether it be cancer (not me, him), kids (middle schoolers are the worst--you know what I'm talking bout here!), marriage (thar she blows), spouses, work, friends and enemies, pets, pandemics be damned; lions and tiger and bears! Oh my! Life is messy!

If Necessity Is the Mother of Invention, Who's Your Daddy? takes a look at the lighter side of some real-life screwups. Have you ever thought about purchasing a handgun and then peed yourself on your maiden voyage to the gun range? Maybe you have chased down a stolen car--your own car? Perhaps, you are familiar with grandsons and their lovies? Have you ever been kidnapped? (Well, me neither, but I have a plan formulated in my mind should it ever occur.) Have ya got baggage? (Not the kind you carefully pack and then watch from the window as it is kicked, dragged, and heaved into the belly of a jumbo jet where it will be tossed end over end like a spring mix salad for hours, then scuffed, slammed, and crushed under the weight of hundreds of other bags while being driven across the tarmac in a downpour to an awaiting conveyor belt to hell.) I have a steamer trunk full!

They say that laughter is the best medicine? Well, I have no idea who they are, but I am pretty sure they are closely related to everybody else's and nobody else's mom--just saying!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9781685702915

Book preview

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If NeceSSitY iS THe MotHer oF InVenTion, Who'S YoUR DaDDy?

K. J. Rollins

ISBN 978-1-68570-290-8 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88685-840-2 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-68570-291-5 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by K. J. Rollins

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

The Cars Been Stolen!

Mama's Pack'n—Heat, That Is!

You Are Entitled to One Phone Call

Loving Me Lovey

Coming to an Intersection Near You!

Serious as a Heart Attack!

If Ever I Should Go Missing…

Wee, Wee, Wee All the Way Home

My Arms Are Too Short

The Popcorn Caper

About the Author

To my favorite aunt, Jeanne! The first person to recognize my passion for writing. To my children and family, without whom none of this would be possible. To my Facebook family (all of you) who have read, encouraged, and cheered me on. To my husband, I have loved you since the moment we met; you hold my heart.

The Cars Been Stolen!

In our little corner of the world, there's a Walmart (I know, go figure). What makes our Walmart different from the thousands of others you ask? It's where our daughter was when she placed a call to us that went something like this:

Daughter. Oh my god, Mom (gasping for air), I need you over here right now. I can't believe this has happened (gasps). We came over to pick up a few things, and just like that, the car is gone. I mean gone stolen (more gasping). Mom, hurry! Bring Dad. The car has been stolen from the Walmart parking lot! (The phone clicks and hums.)

I never even got in a word. Rick (me hubs) has spent the better part of the day in hand-to-hand combat with ornamental grasses that are eight-feet-tall (they must be cut back before the snows fly). Yep, that's right, snow next week!

Sprinting out the back door (at my age, sprinting hasn't been in my wheelhouse for many moons) and across the yard to where the tall grasses grow (hey, possible book or movie title there?), I am near incoherent as I blather.

Me. Rick, Rick, come on, we have to go (hands on my knees, pulling for air)! She needs us, come on (wheezing ensues). Let's move it! What are you waiting for? (Now checking my own pulse—gasping and wheezing.) Let's go, she's in trouble and needs us now!

Rick. Whirling around in my direction with a buzzing hedge trimmer. Okay, okay, what has happened, and who is this she you keep yapping about?

Me. Courtney! It's Courtney! She needs us now, let's go!

Rick. What is it this time—toilet stopped up? Can't get the top off of a can of something? Car out of gas? Can't get the knot out of her shoestring? What! What exactly is the crisis now?

Me. Listen, buddy, there is no need to get all snarky with me. I am but the messenger here! Her car has been stolen!

Rick. W-H-A-T?

Living just a stone's throw from the scene of the crime, it took little time to locate the exact parking spot where said