A Swants Soiree

By E.J. Russell

Why is "fun" always so freaking painful?

 

Software engineer Brent Levine has always struggled with the life part of work-life balance, but to hold on to his new job, he'll have to embrace his employer's dreaded "staff enrichment" events. This year's annual ugly holiday sweater party will strain his ambition to remain inconspicuous: everyone has to wear their sweaters upside down and converted into pants—aka "swants."

 

At six foot eight, Brent has a hard enough time finding clothes that fit him the right way up. And while he's an ace at coding, when it comes to handcrafts, he's definitely at the far left end of the bell curve. Luckily he encounters seriously cute theater costumer Jonathan at the Goodwill Outlet. Jonathan offers Brent both an acceptably ugly sweater and his expertise in swants conversion. Attraction sparks on Brent's side, but how can Jonathan be interested in a nerdy geek like him?

 

A Swants Soiree is a short and sweet opposites-attract rom-com featuring crafting catastrophes, suggestive sweaters, and an awkward introvert who meets his extroverted match.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Reality Optional Press
• Release date: May 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781947033153

E.J. Russell

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Book preview

Why is fun always so freaking painful?

Software engineer Brent Levine has always struggled with the life part of work-life balance, but to hold on to his new job, he’ll have to embrace his employer’s dreaded staff enrichment events. This year’s annual ugly holiday sweater party will strain his ambition to remain inconspicuous: everyone has to wear their sweaters upside down and converted into pants—aka swants.

At six foot eight, Brent has a hard enough time finding clothes that fit him the right way up. And while he’s an ace at coding, when it comes to handcrafts, he’s definitely at the far left end of the bell curve. Luckily he encounters seriously cute theater costumer Jonathan at the Goodwill Outlet. Jonathan offers Brent both an acceptably ugly sweater and his expertise in swants conversion. Attraction sparks on Brent’s side, but how can Jonathan be interested in a nerdy geek like him?

A Swants Soiree is a short and sweet opposites-attract rom-com featuring crafting catastrophes, suggestive sweaters, and an awkward introvert who meets his extroverted match.

For Ross

Thanks for the inspiration, my dear

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"Ba-dum."

Beyond the glass wall of Brent Levine’s office, the corner of a cell phone rose above the edge of his privacy panel.

"Ba-dum. Ba-dum ba-dum. Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum."

Brent sighed and finished typing a line of code. Okay, land shark. What have you got?

His one and only work friend, Riki Chan, peered around the panel, grinned at him, then zipped over to the doorway. "I found my ugly holiday sweater, and it’s awesome." She waggled her phone at him, and he obediently took it to check out her selfie.

Uh…. Jeez, Riki, that is the most appalling thing I’ve ever seen. He peered closer. I get the reindeer and the menorah. But what’s the cake for? And the burning ring of fire?

That’s a king cake, of course. For Three Kings’ Day. And that’s not a burning ring of fire. It’s a candle wreath, for St. Lucia’s Day.

The apple humping the butternut squash?

Kwanzaa.

And is whatever’s being dumped out of the goblet supposed to douse that flaming log?

She poked him in the elbow, which, given his ridiculous height and her petite frame, was as high as she could reach. That’s a bonfire and libations. For the solstice. She pointed at a bowl of what looked like earthworms. Udon for Ōmisoka, a wren for St. Stephen’s Day, and of course, the Festivus pole.

Brent raised his eyebrows. Seriously?

"Hey, it’s an inclusive holiday sweater. Something for every denomination. She leaned against his sit-to-stand desk, which hit her in the middle of her shoulder blades. What’s yours like?"

Brent’s gaze shifted to the three code windows spread across his dual monitors. He was on track to meet his deliverable deadline this afternoon, but it had been a tough problem to solve. I’ve been a little busy. I haven’t had time to—

"Brent. The party’s on Monday. People snap up the best sweaters starting on Black Friday, so if you haven’t gotten one by now—"

He patted the air in a calm-down gesture. I’ve got one. Don’t have a cow.

She snickered. ‘Have a cow?’ You really are old-school, Grandpa.

Shut up. At thirty-seven, Brent was the oldest employee at HubPilot. Hell, the CEO was only twenty-four. He’d started the company when he was nineteen, for God’s sake. Way to make a guy feel like an ancient failure.

Uh-huh. So come on. How ugly is it?

He gave her a sidelong glance. Well, it’s red.

Since patience was not one of Riki’s failings, she waited approximately six point two nanoseconds before jabbing his elbow again. And?

Um… it has a V-neck?

She stared at him, her face perfectly blank. "You were going to wear a plain red sweater to the ugly sweater party?"

I figure ‘ugly’ is relative, right? I never wear red, so it counts.

No, it doesn’t.

Maybe it’s the atheist’s holiday sweater. He handed back her cell phone. "Yours represents a bunch of other traditions. Where’s the respect for people who don’t have any