I Hope This Email Finds You Never: A Complete Guide to Blissfully Surviving the Modern Workplace

By Ken Kupchik and Emily Ann Hill

Ahhh, the modern workplace: a cauldron of stress and anxiety. From the moment we accept a new role, we’re thrown into a world of competing personalities, shifting protocols, and an endless stream of emails, Slack messages, and Zoom calls, all of which serve to distract us from the things we truly want to be doing, like eating Thai food and sleeping until noon.

I Hope This Email Finds You Never puts aside the motivational screeds, productivity hacks, and pop-science, and focuses instead on those things in the workplace that truly cause us grief—like a coworker eating an apple during a video call—in a lighthearted, entertaining, and (most importantly) cynical way.

Some things you’ll learn:

• How long you can get away with being “new” until you’re held accountable
• How to make it look like you’re sorry without giving up any power
• How to find a workplace friend and make a workplace enemy
•  Camera position: how to set up your laptop for maximum dominance
• Organizing your calendar while leaving time to cry
• The rules of the kitchen (stealing someone’s yogurt is literally a crime)
• Writing a letter of resignation when you’ve already been resigned from day one

 

From Orientation (The Descent), Workplace Etiquette (No Eye Contact Before 11 AM), Working Remotely (Wink Wink), Coworkers (Getting Along with your fellow inmates), and everything in between, I Hope This Email Finds You Never is your must-have guide to surviving (thriving is not realistic) in the modern workplace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Nelson
• Release date: Oct 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781400232826

Ken Kupchik

Ken Kupchik is a writer and the creator of Sales Humor, a popular social media account with over one million followers across Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram. His first book, The Sales Survival Handbook: Cold Calls, Commissions, and Caffeine Addiction--The Real Truth About Life in Sales, was published by AMACOM (now HarperCollins Leadership) in 2017. He lives in Boston, MA.

Book preview

PART 1

Employee Orientation

(The Descent)

Starting a new job can be overwhelming. There are people to meet, information to digest, and lots of preparation required to counter the lies you told on your résumé. Whether you’re an experienced employee or new to the workforce, you can be sure that at some point in your first few days, you’ll start to wonder whether you’ve made a grave mistake (you have).

The good news is that your new employer has invested time and resources into a comprehensive indoctrination process known as new-hire orientation. It’s during this process when you’ll be introduced to your coworkers, sign paperwork allowing the company to compensate you the bare minimum possible, and get an early glimpse at which flavor of dysfunction plagues your new workplace.

But don’t sweat the small stuff. Sweat the big stuff instead, because you’ll have plenty to worry about once you get through orientation. But for now, it’s best to sit back and let the company believe they can mold you into the perfect employee. Little do they know that’s a battle they’ve already lost.

1

Making Awkward Introductions Better (or Exponentially Worse)

There’s nothing quite like meeting your coworkers for the first time. Or maybe there is—we actually don’t really know. In any case, whether they’re done in person or remotely, introductions can be fun because you have a chance to present the best fake version of yourself that your coworkers will ever see.

But it’s important to be cautious when making introductions. If done correctly, a good first impression can help you build rapport and ingratiate you to your new coworkers. A bad first impression, however, can ruin a relationship right away, before you get a chance to ruin it gradually, over a longer period of time. So put on your best fake smile and pretend to be somebody that you’re not—it’s likely to pay off.

SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU IMPRESS YOUR NEW COWORKERS

Tip #1: Dress professionally

The way you present yourself is important, which is why you should always dress professionally when starting a new role. Even if your company doesn’t have a strict dress code, make sure to pick a nice outfit to wear on your first few days. It’s important to deceive the people you’ll be working with, so don’t discount your appearance. After all, everyone knows that it’s what’s on the outside that really matters.

Tip #2: Remember people’s names

If you want to impress your new coworkers, make it a point to remember their names. Not only will this show that you were paying attention, it will also make them feel important. You can do this by repeating their name over and over again as loud as possible while they’re talking, or by taking a photo and adding the name to it with a caption. They’ll be more than appreciative.

Tip #3: Be an active listener

Most people want to be heard, and in today’s fast-paced world, those who are able to listen can build lasting and more meaningful relationships. When meeting your new coworkers, try to be an active listener by letting them speak, asking open-ended questions, and nodding along as they bore you to tears. If you want to go a step further, take notes after the conversation is over, then leave the notes on your coworkers’ desks to prove you were listening to what they said.

SOME ADDITIONAL TIPS

Smile and make eye contact. Try to hold it for a few seconds. Now look away from the mirror. It’ll be even harder with a real person.

Make a self-deprecating joke to show everyone you’re mentally prepared to be deprecated by them too.

Ask your coworkers questions to spark conversation. Try to keep it professional. A good rule of thumb is to never ask the questions you really want to ask.

Send a follow-up email to the people you’ve met. Keep it friendly and concise. Do not sign the email with Love, or Yours truly.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t share too much information about yourself. This can backfire the same way it’s backfired in every single one of your relationships.

Similarly, try to stay away from personal questions such as whether they have a therapist they could recommend.

Don’t interrupt somebody who is introducing themselves to you, even if you’re excited about finally meeting a Cornelius in real life.

Don’t be overly complimentary. You might need to bad-mouth this person to your coworkers later on.

If you’ve forgotten someone’s name, don’t try to guess. Instead, just mumble something unintelligible under your breath and hope they don’t call you out.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Your goal during introductions shouldn’t be to impress everyone, since doing so would mean setting yourself up to do more work. Instead, you should strive to convince your new coworkers that you’re professional, conscientious, and approachable—that is, the opposite of who you really are.

But introductions are merely the first of many interactions you’ll have with your coworkers, so while they’re certainly a great way to start things off, they’re not the end-all, be-all. So if you’ve somehow managed to screw up your introduction, don’t worry—all you’ve done is given yourself a head start.

2

Sign Without Reading: Filling Out Your New-Hire Paperwork

Because we have laws, and because companies don’t want to be sued into bankruptcy, when you start a new job, you’ll be required to fill out lots of boring paperwork. This paperwork is usually mandated by the government, or has been prepared by the company’s lawyers to ensure they can take ownership of your organs if you happen to die while in the office.

Since most people can’t afford a lawyer to review these documents, we’ve put together a quick explainer of your new-hire checklist. (Warning: if your employer doesn’t provide paperwork, you’ve probably been roped into a pyramid scheme by that guy you haven’t seen since high school.) Please note that the following is strictly for entertainment purposes and should not be construed as legal advice—neither one of us was smart enough to get into law school.

EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT

This document will usually lay out the terms of your employment—things like your work schedule, compensation, employee responsibilities, and termination conditions.

Tip: Using a pen to add another 0 onto your salary probably won’t work.

FORMS REQUIRED BY LAW

The government makes you fill out this paperwork since they know you won’t send them money on a pinky promise. This usually includes a W-4, an I-9, and possibly a WW3, a 666, and a WAP.

Tip: If you don’t feel like filling out these forms, just send the government a letter saying, I don’t think so, and you’ll be exempt.

INTERNAL FORMS

Despite their name, these forms have nothing to do with what’s inside your body. Internal forms concern your relationship with the company and include noncompete and nondisclosure agreements, employee handbook documents, and drug- and/or alcohol-test consent agreements.

Tip: If you’re asked to sign a drug-test consent agreement, it’s a bad idea to violently rip it to pieces in front of the hiring manager.

BENEFITS DOCUMENTS

Some benefits are required by law, and some are offered to employees to lure them away from even more sociopathic employers. Common benefits include health and life insurance, paid time off, sick leave, retirement plans, and disability insurance. Unfortunately, really hating your job is not a disability.

Tip: Make sure to max out your 401(k) contribution so that you have even less money to enjoy your life right now.

NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS

A nondisclosure agreement is a contract between at least two parties that outlines confidential material, knowledge, or information that the parties wish to share but wish to restrict access to. This is just a fancy way of saying that you can’t repeat some of the things you’ve learned when you work at a company.

Tip: You can avoid being liable for your eventual betrayal by simply signing someone else’s name—this will easily stand up in court.

KEEPING COPIES FOR YOUR RECORDS

While you might be comfortable entrusting your fate to a multinational conglomerate, it’s still recommended that you make and keep copies of all your new-hire documents. In the event of a termination or a lawsuit, they might come in handy, though you’ll want to be sure the document outlining your salary is hidden away if you have any hope of ever keeping a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Tip: When altering documents in order to help you win your legal case, watch for typos and smudged ink, which are obvious signs of tampering.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The legal documents you’re forced to sign after starting a new job might look intimidating, but in reality, they’re a lot worse than that. Depending on what you sign, you might be giving up your privacy, your legal recourse, and even your future earnings, which would make the owner of the sub shop next door to your apartment extremely unhappy.

This is why you should always pretend that you’ve read your new-hire paperwork carefully before signing it. And if there’s anything you don’t understand, don’t worry about it, because there’s no way you’re going to quit after going through all that trouble to get hired in the first place. So go ahead and sign your future away—at least you’ll still have your past.

3

Better Than Ambien: Employee Training

Your training period is when the company tries to brainwash you formally starts the education process. It’s a great time to soak up knowledge, better understand workplace dynamics, and scroll through Instagram so you can see all the people who are having fun because their parents are rich.

Training, which can be done virtually or in person, will usually be led by a specialized trainer, a human resources director, or your new supervisor, although some employers will put you in a room with a TV as if you’re a child. In any event, it’s important to take notes and pay attention, especially when people are discussing what to order for lunch.

WHAT IS EMPLOYEE TRAINING?

Employee training provides new hires with the requisite skills and knowledge required to carry out the functions of their job. Whether the skills being taught are broad or specific to a particular role, they will be presented in the most boring, depressing, and unpleasant way possible. And, unless you’re one of the lucky few who have retained their ability to focus in the face of smartphoneinduced aimlessness, it’s very likely that you will leave employee training with less confidence about your knowledge and abilities than when you arrived.

THE TYPES OF EMPLOYEE TRAINING

Companies use different training methods to educate their staff. Here are the most common:

Classroom training: This method, designed to invoke memories of the crippling anxiety you felt in high school, is one of the most effective types of employee training and is typically used by big organizations to quickly crush dissent.

One-on-one training: While more personalized, this type of training isn’t for everyone and makes it nearly impossible to spend your training period screwing around. During one-on-one training, a manager or an experienced employee is instructed to follow you everywhere you go, including the restroom.

Online training: This is usually the most time-intensive type of training, though it has its upsides. Whether it’s an online course, or a few days of video training, online education allows you to do whatever you want, as long as you occasionally toggle your cursor so the computer screen doesn’t lock you out.

TIPS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR TRAINING

If the training is in person, try to sit in the middle of the room. If you sit too close to the front, your coworkers will think you’re a suck-up. And if you sit too far back, you’ll get the last pick of any snacks that get passed around.

It can be useful to jot down anything that might help you perform your duties. You don’t have to make notes for everything, but definitely write down that you have to show up every day, even on Thursday and Friday.

Occasionally asking questions can show that you’re engaged, and nodding along every now and then will make it seem like you’re not daydreaming about marrying a frail, wealthy person who is near death, just to put an end to this charade.

Feel free to discuss what you’ve learned with your fellow new hires offline, but remember that one of them is very likely to become your archenemy in the not-so-distant future.

THINGS EMPLOYEE TRAINING SHOULD PROBABLY COVER BUT DOES NOT

which excuses are most compelling/believable when asking for time off

how to identify which coworker is most likely to guilt you into donating to their GoFundMe campaign

the absolute bare minimum output required to maintain employment

the location of the best hiding spots in the office where you can go to cry

which company executive is most susceptible to entrapment and subsequent blackmail

on precisely which days the company plans to administer drug and/or alcohol screenings

which ruthless social climber is most likely to throw you under the bus

THINGS YOU COULD BE DOING IF YOU WEREN’T STUCK IN TRAINING

learning a new language

applying to grad school

spying on your neighbors

making a collage of all your job-rejection emails

monetizing your pet turtle Bartholomew’s Instagram account

trying to binge the entire Netflix catalog

joining a cult

gaining twenty pounds

FINAL THOUGHTS

Employee training is a great opportunity to learn about your new workplace and to get to know some of the people you’ll be working with. If you find any of it dull and boring, don’t worry, the job itself will be dull and boring too.

So try to make the most of your training period, whether it lasts a few days or stretches into weeks or months. This will be your best opportunity to relax before you’re thrown into the rigor of highly demanding labor. And if you can learn something while you’re at it, great! But if not, that’s okay too—don’t be so hard on yourself. After