Our Hearts and Minds Together: A Practical Handbook in Emotional Intelligence

By Serafin Talisayon

As the pandemic was raging in 2021 and wreaking emotional havoc on many people, the author was inspired to start writing a practical self-help book on emotional intelligence. He posted a picture of himself on Facebook with a wall of beautiful flowers behind him. The caption was a quote from singer John Denver, “sunshine on my shoulders keeps me happy.” It received nearly 400 likes/loves. There is a deep yearning for happiness. He then invited his Facebook friends to help him draft the book.

This book is the product of three months of intense and exciting co-creation among twenty people. They helped by commenting, drafting paragraphs or chapters, editing, contributing their photographs, contributing their stories and experiences, planning social media marketing, and helping with the book launching on 14 February 2022. They felt a Guiding Hand and a Purpose behind them. The co-creators of this handbook hope that you, dear readers, will feel it too.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Mar 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9798765238790

Serafin Talisayon

Dr. Serafin Talisayon was Assistant Director-General of the National Security Council under the Office of the President of the Philippines. He was Deputy Dean of the Institute of Strategic Studies and a retired professor from the University of the Philippines. He is a grandfather to three American boys – Danilo, Gabino and Juan – and two Filipino boys – Elias and Diego.

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Copyright © 2023 Serafin D. Talisayon.

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained

in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3878-3 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3879-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023902201

Balboa Press rev. date:  03/14/2023

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Contents

Photo Credits

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgments

Prologue

Origins of EI Competencies

1―Doorway to EI: Self-Awareness

1.1―Internal Attention

1.2―Rate Yourself

1.3―Watching an Emotion

1.4―Sharpening Emotional Awareness with Pictures

1.5―Budgeting Attention

1.6―Choiceless Awareness

1.71―Soul Moments

1.8―We Are Soul-Spirits

A Story: Good or Bad?

2―Emotional Self-Control

2.1―Awareness Creates Choices

2.2―Ways to Avoid or Reduce Stress

2.3―Manage Fear

2.4―Discover Your Emotion Triggers

2.5―Make Your Gratitude List

2.6―Letting Go

A Story: Head or Heart?

3―Adaptability

3.1―Go Outside of Your Comfort Zones

3.2―No JONEs

3.3―Crisis = Risk + Opportunity

3.4―Dealing with Uncertainties

3.5―Learning is Forever

4―Achievement Orientation

4.1―Your Innate Creative Pathway

4.2―Shifting Your Locus of Control

4.3―Motivating Yourself

4.4―Final Achievements

4.5―Treasures in Heaven

4.6―Be Inspired

5―Positive Outlook

5.1―Manage External Triggers

5.2―Boost Your Immune System with Love and Cheerfulness

5.3―Acceptance of Death

5.4―Produce Happiness Hormones

5.5―Your Positive Quiet Moments

5.6―What is Love?

5.7―Emotional Guidance Scale

5.8―Improve Your Self-Image

5.9―Move Toward Soul-Spirit

6―Empathy

6.1―200 Percent Listening

6.2―Free Yourself from Mental Fences

6.3―Two-Way Forgiveness

6.4―Pakikipagkapwa-tao or Ubuntu

6.5―From Soul-Spirit to Soul-Spirit

6.6―Tuning in to Your Spirit Guides

6.7―Friendship with God

7―Organizational Awareness

7.1―Systems Awareness

7.2―Sensing Group Dynamics

7.3―Group Assessments

7.4―Sensing Power Relations

7.5―Look for Bridgers and Linkers

7.6―Idiosyncratic Language

7.7―Sensing Group Ba

7.8―Sensing Social Needs

A Story: Social Awareness without Self-Awareness

8―Coach and Mentor

8.1―What is Your Motive?

8.2―Be a Conscious Model

8.3―Storytelling

8.4―Carpenter or Gardener?

8.5―Using Demonstration and Practice

8.6―Helping Mentees Improve their Self-Image

8.7―Peer Sharing and Co-Learning

8.8―Process Partnering

9―Teamwork

9.1―Co-Creating Shared Realities

9.2―Shared Ends and Means

9.3―Growing Group Ba

9.4―Team Learning

9.5―Dugtungan

9.6―Generative Dialogue

A Story: The Envious Body Parts

10―Conflict Management

10.1―Define Your Role

10.2―Perceptions, Facts, and Root Causes

10.3―Verify Interests and Non-Negotiables

10.4―The Way of Abraham

10.5―Implement a Sustainable Solution

10.6―Bridging Leadership

11―Influence

11.1―Sales Talk

11.2―Championing a Cause

11.3―Motivation 101: Pat in the Back

11.4―Motivation 102: Teach Ikigai

11.5―Motivation 103: Coaching on Finding One’s Life Mission

12―Inspirational Leadership

12.1―Inner Work

12.2―Pamathalaan and Rhema

12.3―Group Vision

12.4―Inclusive Leadership

12.5―Consensual Discernment

12.6―Co-Creation

12.7―Empower Your Team

12.8―Yeshua’s Model of Leadership

Our Journey Just Begins

Our Hearts and Minds Together:

A Practical Handbook in Emotional Intelligence

Serafin D. Talisayon

Editor

Alan Salces Cajes

Co-Creators

Maria Theresa G. Cabigon, Alan Salces Cajes,

Ronald A. Camit, Mark Gabriel Castilan, Graciela P. Cuchapin,

Manuel R. del Rosario, Sheila Marie M. Encabo, Sylvia M. Encabo,

James Paul H. Esguerra, Frederick Garcia, Ma. Edna L. Guevara,

Amy Laspiñas, Angelina B. Mallanao, Ramon Lino Nasol,

Catherine Rose Pascual Pacia, Dr. Pauline Quimson, Milagros Aro

Rimando, Jett Molech G. Subaba, and Vivien M. Talisayon

Inspirational Pictures with Quotes

Sheila Marie M. Encabo

Infographics

Mark Gabriel Castilan

Photo Credits

The author acknowledges with gratitude the following friends, as well as friends of friends. They generously gave their permission to use the many photographs, infographics, and images that enriched this handbook.

Sheila Marie M. Encabo¹, Gabriel Castilan (instagram.com/theidealgab/)²

Achilles Costales³, Angelina Mallanao⁴, Elias T. Tojos⁵, Ma. Edna Guevara⁶

Marck Abias (instagram.com/mqrck/)⁷, Isah Jade (instagram.com/isah.jade/)⁸, PJ Ibasco (instagram.com/pjibasco/)⁹

Carlo Madayag (instagram.com/mad_eye_egg/)¹⁰

Ken Pacis (instagram.com/kenpacis/)¹¹

The author acknowledges with thanks Designrr (go2.designrr.io) for the use of the image of the step pyramid within the human head in the book cover. The author is a subscriber of Designrr and as such is allowed the use of this image from its book cover selections. The same is true for the book cover image in chapter 8.3, and the third and fourth book cover thumbnails in the Prologue. The first thumbnail in the Prologue is the cover of a book I wrote and published earlier by Balboa Press; I acknowledge with thanks Balboa Press. The second thumbnail in the Prologue is the cover of a book commission by CCLFI to the artist Oleen Joyce B. Florendo.

Foreword

Two years of pandemic and being quarantined at home make us graduates of our Master in Survival and Resilience. In the next few months, you will be conferred your doctoral degree in due time. But the question remains: are we going back to Normal? This is no longer an important question to ask.

The question we must ask is this: what will you do tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year? The future is not clear, complicated, and unpredictable, and it is moving fast forward. (The VUCA world as we call it). There is probably an underlying trend worse than the pandemic―the mental and emotional health state in all of us. Many people are facing a lot of mental and emotional health issues that require self-healing or self-care. There is also an undetermined number of people who might need guidance from professionals and life coaches.

This handbook on emotional intelligence is very timely. It can serve emotionally distressed individuals and the professional life coaches helping them. I am pleased that CCLFI―the Community and Corporate Learning for Innovation―had sponsored this handbook.

I have worked for a big healthcare company for over two decades, and for many years before I retired, I headed its Human Capital Management Department (the latest name for Human Resources Department). From this perspective, I strongly recommend this book for several reasons.

First, it is centered on the concept of the unity of the Heart and Mind. In most corporate set up for training and development programs, the focus is on the acquisition of technical competence of the learners, but today, the non-technical aspects of training or what we often call the soft skills are now considered essential.

The latest trend in team coaching, particularly the advocates of the Shared Leadership Discipline and the use of ARL (Action-Reflection Tools), has emphasized that team development must put at the center the emotional skills of the members for them to become a high-performing team and greatly impact the organization in which they belong.

Second, the whole person is both body and spirit, and what I love in this handbook is that it anchors learning emotional competencies on the solid foundation of spirituality. This handbook addresses the gap that is lacking in most human resources programs and learning and development (L&D) frameworks.

Third, the application of learning is permanent if it is experiential and practiced regularly by learners. This mode of learning is considered more effective than just listening to a lecture or reading a book. At the Philippine Society for Talent Development, we apply the use of experiential learning in our instructional design (70-20-10 model) and our certification program for the master’s training course.

And finally, the best part of this book is that it is a product of real-life experiences being told in a story, co-shared, co-created, and co-designed by the group, which makes this handbook very insightful to read and re-read. It is meant to be shared with others. I have been myself a co-sharer and co-designer of an earlier book of the author and my dear friend and mentor Serafin (or Apin). I commend each member of the group who made this handbook possible, a real product of teamwork and co-creation. Congratulations on walking your talk.

I highly recommend this handbook to all leaders and coaches who believe in T.E.A.M. (Together We Achieve More).

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Rommel Breccio J. Ancheta

2022 President

Philippines Society for Talent Development

Preface

In late 2021, I taught a course for executives. I chanced upon a 2017 article by Goleman and Boyatzis¹² that identified twelve competencies in emotional intelligence (EI) that leaders must learn and develop.

The pandemic has been causing much distress and depression in many people, and I can see how much they need to hone EI. Since 1999, my colleagues at the Center for Conscious Living Foundation, Inc. or CCLFI have been developing many skills in EI as part of its objective to provide services in organizational and personal learning and change. As part of its public service, CCLFI published e-books along this objective and offered them to the public for free.

I started drafting a book on EI not only to help leaders improve their competencies in EI but also to reach many emotionally stressed people during the pandemic.

I told the story of how the book started in this YouTube video:

https://youtu.be/hdV0835apT8.

In November 2021, I posted on Facebook a picture of me and a beautiful wall of flowers behind me with a quote from singer John Denver: Sunshine on my shoulders keeps me happy. It got nearly 400 likes and loves. I saw that many people are yearning for more happiness. That gave me the idea to invite my Facebook friends to volunteer as commenter-adviser of the book draft I am writing. By November 30, twelve had volunteered and it expanded to nineteen by early 2022.

I did my drafting online by creating a website where the group can work together. December-February was a very exciting period of collaboration and improvement of the draft.

The Epilogue at the end of this book describes what happened during this period. These experiences convinced me that there is a purpose for why the group came together. I believe that there is a purpose why you, the reader, came across this book. Perhaps the purpose will dawn on you as you start and walk on this journey with us.

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Serafin D. Talisayon

Author

and CEO,

Community and Corporate Learning for Innovation, Inc.

Acknowledgments

I am grateful to my friends who volunteered to serve in many ways during the drafting of this book: commenting, drafting paragraphs or chapters, editing, contributing their photographs, contributing their stories and experiences, planning social media marketing, networking, helping with book launching, and so many others. The quality of this handbook was greatly enhanced by their work. Truly, they are the co-creators of this handbook:

I thank my dear co-founders of the Center for Conscious Living Foundation or CCLFI who pursued our purpose of promoting mindful living and conscious study and development of body, mind, emotion, personality, and spirit, toward the realization of our spiritual nature and attainment of our life-missions. Since 1999, my experiences with them as we developed conscious living practices have become many of the practices described in this handbook. To them―my behind-the-scenes co-developers and supporters―I am indebted.

This is the fifth public-service book that the Community and Corporate Learning for Innovation (also CCLFI)―the sister company of the foundation―has supported in pursuit of its corporate purpose of providing services in organizational and personal learning and change. We also owe CCLFI our thanks.

My miraculous healing from three life-threatening illnesses in 1987 by Yeshua re-started my life with a new purpose: learning to discern and striving to implement my life missions¹³. I am still on this journey. It has been a learning journey as I gain skills in discernment and in following the numerous cues and guidance from my guardian angels and spiritual guides as I implement one life mission after another. The books I have been writing during this pandemic were inspired by my guardian angels, my spiritual guide Saint Francis of Assisi, and Yeshua¹⁴. I am ever grateful to them.

Prologue

Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Goleman popularized emotional intelligence in his 1995 best-selling book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ.¹⁵ Many researchers supported Goleman, showing that EQ correlates with work performance better than IQ. EQ or emotional quotient is a quantitative measure of EI.

The Approach in this Handbook

We used quotes from famous people and links from the Internet. However, more than concepts and theories, emotional intelligence (EI) is about competencies. In this handbook, we stressed learning and honing practical skills and not learning about EI theories. We did not intellectualize EI because the skills in EI are to be practiced, experienced, and felt. Therefore, the approach adopted in this handbook was to provide suggestions for daily practice. It drew upon many related practices I have co-developed with my colleagues at the Center for Conscious Living Foundation (CCLFI) since 1999 and suggested in four earlier books.

I drew upon my own experiences of what worked for me. I told stories relevant to the practices. This book was therefore written in the first-person singular perspective and an informal conversational style.

How to Use this Handbook

The proof of the pudding is in the tasting, not in the recipe (such as this book) or the expertise of the cook (such as the author of this book). In the end, the reader’s experience and discovery of what practices work better for him or her is the aim of this handbook. The aim is not to allow the mind to get lost in what is a better definition or gain a theoretical understanding of emotions; the aim here is less to know about EI but more to gain EI competencies through practice and experience. The key to use is heart learning instead of head learning. For this reason, we will shy away from the standard glossary where new words or phrases are defined in terms of other concepts and words; instead, we have here a practice-oriented glossary.

French writer Antoine de Saint-Exupéry who wrote The Little Prince, said, It is only in the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.¹⁶

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Unlike the usual novel, this handbook aims to engage the readers in using it as a practice guide. The suggested practice or guide per competency level needs to be repeated over time―weeks, months, or even years―to gain the corresponding skills or competency. It is recommended that before moving on to the next competency level, prior skills need to be practiced continuously to be more effective. Avoid jumping or skipping to a future practice without mastering prior practices. To keep yourself on track, you will find a map at various points in this handbook that will show you how the skills are designed or built upon onto another level of competency. An EI learning journal is offered with this handbook, where you can record your experiences along the way.

In short, we will rely on empirical findings from EI research (propositional validity), but on top of that, we will strive to gain and apply knowledge of what works in our actual practices (operational validity) and resonates with our heart or internal moral compass.

Learning EI needs a lifetime of inner work. The