Tick Fever

By Bill Bolthouse

Bill Bolthouse is a rancher from Breckenridge, CO. He and his wife Laurie spend their time on the Red Tail Ranch, tucked into the 10 Mile mountain range at about 9500 feet of elevation. There they raise cattle and pigs and hay, among beautiful stands of pine and aspen, pristine waterways and green pastures. Bill's life as a family doctor, fai

• Language: English
• Publisher: Red Tail Ranch Publishing
• Release date: Jan 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9798218138448

Book preview

Ramblings on Ranch life

A Sonnet to Snot

There's the kind that comes after a long hot day

followin' steers on a dusty trail.

Mixed with dirt and manure, I guess you'd say

It tastes like a doggies tail.

Or the kind that runs down the end of your nose

When a blizzards a'blowin' in.

Blended with eye burned tears, the unchecked flows

Makes an icicle down to yer chin.

And there's the kind yer not aware of

'til you find it in back of yer throat.

So you snarl that purulent mixture up

And hack it somewhere remote.

Else-wise, it only takes two fingers

Compressin' the contralateral nare

To send out a colorful spinnaker

Into the pristine air.

But then comes along some dandy,

With his fancy coat and spats,

His silk kerchief just handy,

He goes and honks his snood in that!

It makes a curious cowboy implore:

Mister, whatcha savin' that stuff for?

My first sonnet, inspired by a joke I heard in Africa a long time ago.

The Ranch Manager‘s Wife

Gather ‘round boys, I’ve got something to tell ya,

Said the Cook after dishin’ out the beans

"Ya’ll stand down wind, ‘cause I don’t wanna smell ya,

And I want you to catch what I mean."

"It seems our Ranch Manager, Jim, is fixin' to retire,

Yup, he’s ‘bout ready to hang up his boots

He’s been faithfully stocking his IRA

And now he’s gonna live offa that loot."

Who’s Jim? the boys began to inquire.

"Well he’s that feller that drives that big truck

Ain’t he the one with clean boots and a white hat

We had to help one day he got stuck?"

"The only nice thing’s that every two weeks

He comes ‘round and brings us our checks."

"Well if he’s the one making those FICA subtractions,

Then good riddance to him" said Tex.

But wait a minute!  He’s married to Jo Ann,

said Slim, with some perturbation

That’s why she’s called the RANCH MANAGER’S WIFE

Pee Wee deduced in a fit of inspiration.

Well that's right, said ol’ Cookie,

"You boys are right smart, you’ve connected the horse to

the cart.

They’re husband and wife and so they’ll remain

together, ’til death do they part."

But we don’t want her to go! they all cried aloud

She’s the best part  ‘bout workin’ here

It sure ain’t the culinary skills of the cook,

One Eyed Joe whispered into his friend's ear.

I know we’ll miss her, Cookie then countered

"But it’s just the facts of life

People come and go from this ranch

And that includes the RANCH MANAGER’S WIFE"

He then started preachin’ on the five stages of grief

and on Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs

"Let’s just try and remember the good times we’ve had

Don’t let yourself drown in the weeds"

Ol’ Lefty was the first to pipe up

"I ‘member the time she helped me a bit

When I stuck my right hand up the mower chute

She used her oxygen hose as a tourniquet"

And I can’t forget, said ol’ One-Eyed Joe,

"I just had to see if somethin’ was still lit

When I took a peep down a dynamite hole

Jo Ann patched me up with her sewing kit."

Don’t forget the time I was hurting

said Pee Wee, in recollection

"She went and gave me some of her own medicine

Done cured me of my urinary tract infection."

Cooke then offered, "And I almost forgot

The time I bought day ol’ sushi from that guy in the

Walmart parking lot

The stew I made from it affected one and all

Good thing she had a whole jug of Pepto-bismal"

The boys all moaned in agreement

That had been a memorable night

It seems whenever the crew needed help

Jo Ann came through all right.

"So what are we going to do? asked Slim

When all Jim does is yell?

I