The Mixtape to the Real Me

By Jake Martinez

After a crazy summer of teenage drama and newfound love, Justin Ortega and Dominic Mendoza have decided to take things slower in order to really get to know each other. Both have dreamt of being with someone who truly understands them, but neither teen thought it would be this hard, especially when you have to keep your relationship a secret from the whole world.

Just when they think their lives will always be filled with sneaking around, along comes a new student who opens their eyes to some wonderful new possibilities. But the road to a bright future has some harsh realities, and not everyone is pleased to see the new couple roam the halls of Garza High. Things get especially tense for Dominic when an unwanted figure shows up wanting to see him.

Will Justin and Dominic be able to find a happy ending, or will their past and future collide in ways they never expected?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Deep Hearts YA
• Release date: Mar 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215017708

Jake Martinez

Jake Martinez is a former South Texas resident who has found a new home in Chicago. He has been writing all his life but has only recently sought to be published. His debut novel, The Mixtape to My Life, reflects on life as a gay teen growing up in South Texas. Jake holds an MFA in Creative Writing and also loves to write plays and screenplays. Aside from writing, you can find him hanging out at home with his husband, their newborn son, and an eclectic group of fur babies.

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The Mixtape to the Real Me

Jake Martinez

Copyright © 2023 by Jake Martinez

Cover design copyright © 2023 by Story Perfect Dreamscape

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblances to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Developmental editor: Craig Gibb

Proofreader: Margaret Larson

Published March 2023 by Deep Hearts YA, an imprint of Deep Desires Press and Story Perfect Inc.

Deep Hearts YA

PO Box 51053 Tyndall Park

Winnipeg, Manitoba R2X 3B0

Canada

Visit http://www.deepheartsya.com for more great reads.

For my son, whose love and joy keeps me going each and every day.

Chapter 1

I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)

Justin

March 1995

I thought you were strictly hair metal, Lila says as we walk down the crowded hall of Garza High School. It’s the end of the day, and the halls are full of eager students pushing their way through, trying to get to their lockers in order to throw their books in, gather their stuff and run on home or to some sort of practice. It’s the beginning of March, which means that it’s concert season for band, but unlike during marching season, we don’t have a set rehearsal time. Solo and ensembles are soon though, so some do stay to practice after school. Others just pretend. I guess Lila and I fit somewhere in between. We wanted to do our best, but we just weren’t in a rush for it.

I give her a look. She’s making fun of me because I’m listening to Whitney Houston. Not that she doesn’t like Whitney, Lila’s just surprised to see it on one of my mixtapes.

You know, a guy can expand his horizons if he wants, I say, nudging my way to my locker while silently thanking God that Jeff Willis and his latest girlfriend aren’t blocking me from it with a totally inappropriate make out session that always seems to go unnoticed by school security. They seem to be very selective on who they break apart.

Could it be that maybe you’re thinking about the dance? You know, the one that’s in a couple of weeks. She gives me those eyes that can look straight into me. Damn, we’ve only been good friends for a few months, but it’s like she’s known me for years.

You know that Dominic and I don’t really care for that stuff. It’s true. We don’t. The only reason we go is because either Benny and Lila want us to or because Dominic is nominated for something like Junior Duke. If it wasn’t for that, we’d avoid them at all costs.

We’ve been together since August, after those two crazy weeks where we reconnected with each other. It was intense, and a little stupid, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. We did, however, realize that maybe we were going a bit fast and decided to take our time with things. Just really get to know each other. In other words, to hold off on the I Love You’s until we are sure that’s what we want. It’s made a world of difference.

But even though we started to realize just how much we had in common, such as similar tastes in movies and music, one thing we didn’t count on was just how hard having a secret relationship would be. It got even worse as Dominic’s popularity shot up the moment he set foot in the school. Suddenly, everyone wanted to be around the handsome jock with the great smile. But he didn’t let that get in the way of sitting with me, Benny, and Lila every day at lunch, or being with me on the weekends instead of the many parties he was invited to. He went to a few, but he would always come back early to spend time with me. Well, not always. Sometimes we both liked to do our own thing. My thing was to either go to the movies, or spend the time listening to music and writing poetry.

The crowd was starting to thin out, and no one was really in ear shot of us. That meant that we could be a little freer with what we talked about.

Still hurts? Lila says. She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives it a little squeeze.

Yeah, it does. I mean, I try to not let it, but it’s not easy when you can’t really dance with the one person you want to. It’s not the same when you have to dance in a group. I stop there, because the more I think about it, the more I can feel lava course through my veins. That’s how heated I get about this. It doesn’t feel fair. I should be able to slow dance with Dominic, his hands around me, or vice versa, as close as the school allows.

I should be able to whisper in his ear, put my head on his shoulder, or just stare into his eyes while the light from the silver ball above sparkles around us.

We should be able to connect in the way that other couples can. But it won’t happen. Not with the way that the school is. Nor this town. McAllen, which is in the Rio Grande Valley part of Texas, isn’t the most accepting place in the world. If we came out, who knows what would happen to us. But I couldn’t help thinking of the lyrics to that Whitney classic. How I ached to have someone dance with me that loved me in public. Not in a friendship way, but in an honest to goodness, I want to be with you, and only you, kind of way. Maybe Lila is right. Maybe I am playing the song over and over again for that reason.

What I also don’t tell her is that it hurts even more to see all those straight girls who will eventually go up to Dominic and ask him to dance. Not that I blame them. They don’t know he isn’t interested, and it’s not their fault for giving it a shot. He never wants to at first, but I tell him there isn’t any harm in dancing with someone, though it shatters me in ways I can’t describe to see someone else be able to freely get so close to him in ways I can’t in public. Some might say it’s wrong, but it’s also to protect him. The less people try to guess about him, the better.

Maybe one day; the world is changing. Lila says this with such positivity that it’s hard not to believe her. And I almost do. But deep down, it just doesn’t seem that way.

"Maybe. But it still doesn’t mean that playing I Wanna Dance With Somebody suggests that I want to go to the Presentation Dance. Presentation was kind of like a mini-prom and one of the many in an overabundance of dances we seem to have at Garza. I guess it was for those who weren’t juniors and seniors to be able to have a semi-dressy dance that they could go to. It was also one where awards were handed out for things such as Most Handsome, Best Eyes, or Most Funny". Thinking about those awards snaps my brain to attention.

Hey, weren’t they supposed to post those nomination posters today?

Lila squints her eyes, which means she’s thinking about it. Yeah, I think that was in the announcements.

I don’t want to go see, but I know I have to. I have to see if Dominic is nominated for anything. While he’ll say it isn’t important, and that all of that stuff is just meaningless high school junk, it’s also memories that he should be able to have. Ones that I would like for him to have, us to have, especially if he wins. I just don’t want him regretting anything. Or maybe I just don’t want him to regret being with me. A lot of stuff was already so out of reach. Something had to be within our grasp, well, outside of football and band.

Wanna go take a look? I ask with some hesitation.

You sure? Lila has a look of concern. She knows what this could mean, but she also doesn’t want to say it outright, which I appreciate.

Yeah, I am.

I close my locker, and we begin walking toward the open area in front of the cafeteria, where all the lists are posted. Lila is talking, but all I can hear is my footsteps, each one getting louder as we draw closer to the lists. There’s a crowd around them, but there are two people that we can see clearly. Benny and Dominic are already there, waiting for their turns at the lists. It’s funny how it seemed like those two hated each other in the beginning, but now they’re really good friends. I’m glad, because it’s important for me to have my best friend and boyfriend like each other.

They both approach the posters, and as they look, I can see Dominic’s face change. He has kind of a weird smile. It can only mean one thing; he is nominated for something, but what could cause a look like that?

I look at Lila and she looks back at me. I nod, which signals that we should go ahead and move forward. Benny and Dominic are high-fiving each other, though Benny has slightly more enthusiasm, and it’s clear we both need to go up and congratulate them. It’s not that far, but the walk feels as if it’s taking hours and not seconds. We almost make it until a voice that sends a cringe down my body sounds off from beside me and stops us cold.

Well, it looks like your boyfriend got himself nominated for some big stuff. Better go give him a big kiss before someone else does. It’s Santos, with that snarly tone he has perfected over the years. The one that intensified this past fall after the captain tryouts for drumline. He’s standing with Perla and Cathy, who are still his friends, though after the tryouts the wall of ice that placed itself between us slowly started to thaw. We made it a point to work with each other, and not against. It made for a very pleasant season. More so with Perla than Cathy, but that’s okay.

I always get the urge to ask them why are they both friends with such a horrible person, but it isn’t any of my business. Maybe there’s something to him that they see that I can’t. Maybe they are afraid of what he will do.

Don’t listen to him, Justin, he’s probably upset that Dominic is up for the same things he is, Perla says calmly. Santos looks at her, but she doesn’t look back. She just stares at me.

Yeah, it will be fun to see who wins, Cathy adds. Santos puts a fiery gaze upon her, and she slightly backs away. Cathy and Perla aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary, they’re just being friendly. But I guess being friendly to me is against the Santos code of conduct.

You’re looking at who will win. Anyway, you better go, Santos snarks as he points to Dominic. Girls are touching him all over and he might switch sides on you. He walks away satisfied. Perla rolls her eyes and follows. Cathy looks at me for a minute, smiles awkwardly, and finally runs to catch up to them.

He’s such a dick. I don’t know why he would be nominated for anything, Lila declares.

I’m not listening though. I see the group of femme fatales swarming my boyfriend. While I do feel a bit jealous as each one tries to get in a longer than necessary hug, at least I know that not everyone shares Santos’ idea about us. Or at least they don’t suspect that Dominic might be gay. Which means our secret is sort of safe for now. That gives me a big sigh of relief.

Justin, Lila says, forcing my return to Earth. Are you listening to me?

Yeah, I am, I say as I look back to her. But we better go see what all the fuss is about before they think we don’t care.

Lila nods and we continue that slow march to our boyfriends. So yeah, I would get to dance, but not with anyone that loved me. At least not how I would want to.

Chapter 2

Bidi Bidi Bom Bom

Dominic

Your face. That’s how I know, I say to Justin as I put the keys in the ignition. His parents let me take him home every day, which is a relief to his dad, since as a coach at our high school he can stay a bit later to get some things done without having to keep Justin there or have him walk. Justin says he doesn’t mind walking, but ever since we got together, his parents have been a bit more cautious about him going alone. But anything that gets me to spend more time with my boyfriend is okay with me. Ever since we agreed to take things a bit slower, we don’t hang out as much, so the twenty minutes back and forth is something I look forward to every day.

I offered to take his brother with us too, but Joseph prefers walking with his group of friends, which he also does in the morning. So, it’s always just me and Justin. Not a bad arrangement.

I love hearing how an engine roars to life. There’s just something about it that brings me some sort of peace. But not now. Now I can tell that my boyfriend is bothered by something. He’s been trying to look at other things and not me. He does this when he doesn’t want me to know what’s on his mind. But I do. Even if we haven’t really been together that long, I’ve been able to figure out what certain things mean. Like when he looks away, I know it’s ’cause he doesn’t want to have anyone guess what he’s thinking. Or when he puts on his headphones, that means it’s time to let him think something through. We haven’t gotten to that point yet.

It’s nothing. I’m actually really happy for you. I really am. He says as he reaches in his bag for something, but he’s still not looking at me. I move out of the parking lot and place ourselves in line to get as far away from Garza High as possible.

Can you put this tape in? he asks. He’s still pretending to look through his bag. I take the tape and put it in the radio. Selena’s Bidi Bidi Bom Bom starts playing. I’m a bit surprised, since he’s usually into 80s hair metal or just 80s. But lately he’s been wanting to spread his wings. I didn’t know what he meant until he explained that he wanted to explore the side of him he has been avoiding. He was talking about his Mexican side. People would tease him for not being Mexican enough, which made him not even want to speak Spanish. But now he wants to embrace it for himself. He says Selena speaks to him, and he’s been using her songs as a way to learn Spanish. His mom picks the songs, and he tries to translate them. Then they sing it together.

As Selena sang about how excited she got when the guy she likes walks by, I decide to try again.

Amor, we’re here, in the car. You can talk to me. It’s okay. I’m not playing fair. I know that he melts when I call him Amor. But I’m not doing it to get him to open up. I just want him to know that I care. He finally turns to me.

It’s nice to think that other people find my boyfriend so attractive. You being nominated for Most Handsome, that’s perfectly fitting. Most Popular, not a surprise either. I, of course, didn’t get anything. But that was also expected. I was happy when I saw your name up on the paper. But unlike everyone else, I couldn’t hug you with excitement. I had to just stand there and smile, and only verbally say congratulations. I know that maybe that should be enough. But it doesn’t feel like it. I just wish we didn’t have to skip those moments because of the way everyone is around here. Justin's words are angry, but his eyes show sadness. He moves them down to the floor, which means he is more hurt than angry.

Babe, I get it. You don’t think I wanted to run up and pick you up and kiss you all over? I did. And, hell, maybe I should have. He looks back up at me and smiles. He got that I was trying to lift his spirits.

You know I want that more than anything. he says while his eyes get a bit teary. I want to wipe them away, but we’re still in the long car line of school line to get out of the school. Damn, sometimes it takes forever to leave this place and the lies we have to say. How I wish we were home already so we can finally just be together. That’s because we can actually hang out in our rooms and not have to worry that someone is going to come in and try to hurt us. It’s the best feeling.

The traffic moves, and we finally pull out of the school. Once we drive a little more and no one can see us I reach over and wipe away his tears. I still make sure that my eyes are on the road, though. Safety first.

Just ’cause I’m nominated doesn’t mean we have to go. We didn’t have to go to homecoming, and we don’t have to go to this one either. I do a quick glance at him while we are at a stop sign. Justin wiggles in the seat a bit, then plays with his seatbelt.

I know, I know. But it’s just, just… Justin can’t seem to get the words out. I wish I could just pull over and hug him, but that’s not possible. You never know who’s looking. Especially people who go to our school.

Justin breathes a bit, then starts talking again. Sometimes I feel like we need to do normal couple things, even when we can’t really show that we’re a couple. Like going to the movies but not holding hands there, or going to dances but not actually dancing together.

Why do we have to be normal? I ask.

It’s stupid, right? He looks down at his feet again.

We finally reach my driveway. I turn off the car and put my hand in his. Right now, I don’t care if anyone sees. My boyfriend needs me. When I feel my hand on his, my heart