Meth Murder & Amazon

By G. S. Gerry

The hilarity ensues when the body of an unidentified child is found under the bed during an open house. Alive or dead? Murder or myth?

 

Derald Grake destroys his life the moment he decides to sell the family home.  After capturing the American dream, this father of 4 hopes to solve the complex formula of buying low and selling high. Witness one 'normal' family embark on a hilarious and entirely unexpected journey involving, among other surprises, assassins, meth, murder, and the end of Amazon.

 

Wrapped inside this intriguing mystery are eye witness accounts and compelling evidence to separate truth from fantasy.  Follow the clues, sort through the lies, and put the pieces together of this twisted reality.

 

From award winning author and visionary creator G. S. Gerry comes the critically acclaimed debut Meth Murder & Amazon.

 

A humorous, suspense filled roller coaster that goes downhill as quickly as a methamphetamine rush. This plot twisting symphony of laughter, absurdity, & betrayal will leave you speechless. Wondering how far one father will go to rescue his family from the unthinkable.

 

Author G. S. Gerry presents a witty, gripping read that will keep you guessing and pulls you to the edge of your seat until the very end. Quirky and utterly unique, Buying and Selling will never be the same again!

 

Fans of Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) and Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club, Stranger than Fiction) won't be able to put down this adrenaline-charged thrill ride.

• Language: English
• Publisher: G.S. Gerry
• Release date: Jun 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201632618

G. S. Gerry

G. S. Gerry is a dedicated family man,  Navy veteran, and writer from humble beginnings in St. Petersburg, FL.  Married for 17 years, at the sound age of 18, and father to 4 kids (16/14/11/8).  Just your average, everyday Joe Schmuckatelli with some wild stories to tell. As is the G. S. Gerry tradition, everything in his life seems to happen in the most non-traditional ways. He experienced 16 & pregnant before it became popular. Overcoming obstacle after calamity after hilarious situation in his short time on the earth.   There's an old saying "plant a tree, have a child, and write a book." G. S. Gerry's debut novel Meth Murder & Amazon checks one off the list, with an unforgettable comedic journey of a lifetime.  But, he is taking recommendations on trees to plant.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Attempt #1: FLiars Out to AZ

Before we get to the meth and the murder, we have to start at the beginning. The verrry beginning. (channels best Megamind impersonation)

Once upon a time.

.

.

Yeah, right! Get the hell outta here. Start over.

Let’s introduce the starting lineup for these misadventures:

The fajha, standing over 5’9, #32 Derald Grake !!!!

The majha, standing 5’4 & 7/8ths, #31 Sergeant Shredded!!!

The firstborn, standing teenager height, #13 the Great Jordini!!!

The second-born, standing slightly taller teenager height, #11 GaRoot !!!

The third-born, standing taller than elementary height, #9 Nater!!!

The fourth-born, standing smaller in elementary height, #5 Whitoccur!!!

Lett’s Get Ready to CRumble!!! It all falls down…all falls down.The Grake’s reside in a picturesque, mountainous terrain surrounded by rocks of red, gardens of God, sublime atmospheric conditions and weeds of the most potent kind. The Sky Scrapin’ State, a highly lit ecosystem. The Grake’s live at a discreet location…Hershey Squirtel Lane. A hidden fortress of solitude in the suburban community, Stage Coach Estates. Complete with a scenic mountain backdrop. The Grake’s residence, Hershey Squirtel Lane, features epic curb appeal, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, an office, a finished basement, and a treasure trove of meth and misery, uh hum, mystery waiting to be unlocked.

What began as a trivial exercise of selling the family home in May

unravels into a chaotic web of meth, murder, and the end of Amazon over the next 6 months. As Mr. Grake sets in to motion an outlandish, diabolical, fool-proof plan of selling the family…home.

It started out as any normal day in May. Birds chirping, bees buzzing. You know, sunshine, lollipops aand rainbows.

Compared to the subsequent months and events about to transpire, May is largely uneventful for The Grake’s.

They decluttered Hershey Squirtel Lane. Throwing out a metric ass ton of crapola along the way. The roll away trash bucket doohickey piles higher and higher; The Grake’s attempting to fill it to the utter brim.

Heaving and ho-ing so many useless things they realize hoarding might be their middle name. Removing nicknack’s and doodads, boxes, and other bullcrap engulfed in layers of dust cake. Untouched and neglected for years, judging by the thickness of the caked on dust. Out of sight, out of mind.

Uneventful, but not without adversity. Mr. Grake endures some mild calamity during the calm of May. Scraped legs, inexplicable bruises, pinched fingers, and other nonsensical injuries. Luckily, it’s a good thing Mr. Grake has healing powers, as he escapes; relatively unharmed. All fingers and toes attached.

Clean, sweep, scrub, sleeeep.

Mop, dust, wall wash, exhausted…sleep.

Rinse repeat, rinse re-repeat, and re-repeated and repeating until-

That momentous day arrives!

Oozing positivity, The Grake’s are ready to list their property in The Sky Scrapin’ State. The market is ripe for the picking, but the clock; the clock is ticking. They need to move with purpose, and purpose, they so move with. The Grake’s acquire the most ruthless, cunning assassin for-hire.

Let’s welcome to the stage mystery guest #1, Caffwe. Seasoned assassin masquerading as a real estate agent. Power suit, power tie…power steering. Driving the rangiest of rovers, sporting a mouth full of pearly whites.

Question: Does lying through your teeth count as flossing?

Asking for a friend...

Senior Assassin at Katcher Wilson. Caffwe looks the part. Dresses the part. Really put your mind at ease kinda guy. One might say the term suave or debonaire comes to mind. Blessed with a silver tongue. The gift of gab. Diarrhea of the mouth.

So smooth in fact, you’ll smile and thank him for overpaying.

What a guy!

On June 3rd Mr. Grake and Caffwe enter into a Sellers Agreement, under the misguided direction of himself, which will henceforth be known as Attempt #1.

Attempt #1 started out as one might expect. Just your normal, run of the mill attempt at selling your home. The Grake’s clean and scrub and scrub and clean with the smallest toothbrushes available. Combing every square inch of the residence like a parent inspecting their child’s lice-ridden scalp. Mopping and washing everything in sight. Even *gasp* dare I say…dust!

In Places that make zero sense.

Also, who washes their walls? Like, on a daily basis?

OCD much.

This can’t be a common practice…can it?

Apparently it is, as this is the exact attention to detail required to sell a home in The Sky Scrapin’ State.

Pose for the frame…as Caffwe takes elegant photographs of Hershey Squirtel Lane. Gathering a photo collection of bait. Snapping overexposed shots and tactfully deceptive photos like the paparazzi.

Next, it’s time to describe The Grake’s picturesque dream home. Justice must be done. The description must be flawless. The ultimate skimmy scam ensues. Littering the description with hints of truth, typos and misleading keywords. This is, how you say, art. You can’t just plainly janely, willy nilly throw together a smattering of words and hope to lure every Tom, Dick, and Harry heading your way. There’s a science to it all. A maddening, complex formula. But the objective, simple…

Buy low, sell high.

The month of June usually signifies the beginning of summer and fun-filled family adventures.

The

click…click…click

of the roller coaster ascending up the track brings fond memories for some, perhaps inexplicable terror for others, in an all-out effort to chase the next adrenaline inducing thrill. The excitement beforehand, as you climb into the atmosphere,

Click...click…click,

Until the apex, where the clicks subside. That brief finite moment of silence where you take in your surroundings, hold your breath, and kiss your arse goodbye.

BOOM!

Descending with such force and velocity your stomach eventually drops right out your sphincter. A true out-of-body experience.

As with any roller coaster, it starts out slow & steady, filled with anticipation. You’ve waited in line. You’ve been patient, and all that remains is taking that final leap of faith. But first things first.

Batten down the hatches me hearties, yo ho!

Feeble attempts at security prove unsuccessful, as you attempt to induce complete immobility. Stubbornly yanking and pulling down at the restraints, flailing around like a spaz.

The initial clicking is set in motion, as June marks the beginning. The beginning of the end. And there’s no way out. No way off the ride. No turning back.

No ragrets. Not even one letter.

But no one, not even Mr. Grake, could predict the absurdly outrageous mishaps, setbacks, and missteps swiftly approaching off the horizon, captain.

And…Here…We…Go!

The Grake family home, Hershey Squirtel Lane, is live on The Sky Scrapin’ State MLS (Major Lying Service)

The listing price is mostly irrelevant. For arguments sake, initial list price is $4.89. Pretty reasonable in today’s inflated market, right?

The Grake’s affordable listing price, tasteful photo bait, decluttered spaces, and wall washing endeavors are a recipe for a happy ending. Combined with Caffwe’s cunning assassin-ry, it shouldn’t be long now

.

.

.

Success!

The first week of June includes several showings and the most frantic cleaning tornaters imaginable, at the drop of a hat.

To ensure optimal showing conditions, Mr. Grake ups his standards, so up yours too.

Like a drill sergeant directing his troops,

Mr. Grake instructs his band of misfits,

Don’t give me excuses private, give me results!

Positive reinforcement and encouragement at its finest as they clean and clean. And clean some more.

In the off chance they’re not cleaning, The Grake’s occupy family time with parks, shopping and lighthearted mischief.

All this work, it’s sure to pay off. Logically speaking, anyways

.

.

.

Logically speaking, you’re an idiot Mr. Grake.

Several showings and not a single offer. Perplexed by that reality, Mr. Grake frowns in annoyance.

How odd not a single offer rolled in.

Mr. Grake thinks to himself.

But hope is not lost. Granted, it’s only been a few days, so there’s really no need to panic.

Word on the street is The Sky Scrapin’ State has become a sellers’ market.

A fancy term to let sellers know the prices…are jacked.

Jacked up on Mountain Dew.

Houses are flying off the shelf like spider-monkey’s.

Bidding wars are common place. Sky’s the limit in terms of earning potential and quickness of the sale.

Days go by, more showings occur, and zero offers