The Sun Will Always Rise

By M Duncan

The Sun Will Always Rise is an autobiography with added interjections concerning trauma, trauma triggers, trauma responses, and internal parts. The book is part 1 of 3.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781667891132

Book preview

© 2022 M Duncan

ISBN: 978-1-66-789113-2

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Table of Contents

Preface:

Introduction:

CHAPTER 1

Interjection:

CHAPTER 2 The Move from Sanity

Interjection:

CHAPTER 3 Meeting with Momma

CHAPTER #4

Strapped Down by Reality

Interjection:

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6 The Escape Plan

Interjection:

CHAPTER 7 The Hospital with Moma

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 8 The News of Markoma Academy

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 9 The Green Orb

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 10 The Wreck

CHAPTER 11 Markoma Life

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 12 Emily

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 13 Thanksgiving not at Markoma

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 14 Olivia and the Fall

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 15 The Last Straw

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 16 Back Home to Fail Hard

INTERJECTION:

ANOTHER INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 17 Summer with Dad

INTERJECTION:

CHAPTER 18 OK, I TAP OUT! The Taxation is Too Much!

Preface:

I wanted to thank you for delving into my personal story! The book was one of the hardest things I have done and I have been through some terrible experiences! Life is life and I felt drawn to share some of the traumas in life that emphasized my protector parts, which have created my perceptions, reactions, responses, and actions to be construed and negative in many situations.

As you will read throughout the book and my constant interjections. I had to write the story part in third person (only way I could get through it) and wrote the interjections with the knowledge I now have, concerning my internal parts and the hijacking that would take place once I was triggered and/or felt I must protect myself.

I hope this book reaches the people in need and helps give others necessary tools to wade through negative experiences and traumas experienced. The book has not been edited and I am sure there are many mistakes. Please have a bit of grace concerning the raw print of my story! I will not go back through it and probably could not if I wanted to!

Enjoy part #1 of my struggles, victories, and experiences! I love every single one of you! Always remember you deserve an amazing life and you are worthy of love, acceptance, joy, peace, and a great life!! Be kind and loving to yourself and everyone else!!

Duncan

Introduction:

The smell of pasta boiling fills the room. Seth is in his high chair, munching on some snacks. Madeline is busy watching her show. Johnny was stirring the pasta, patiently waiting for his father to return home from meeting with his ex-wife. The question continued to play out in his mind, How did I get into this situation and how do I get out of it? I have two kids, a wife, and a household to upkeep. What the hell am I doing? he asked himself. Suddenly time stops and Johnny is paralyzed by past traumatic memories. Johnny’s past trauma hijacks his mind, emotions, and perspective. As time freezes, Johnny’s memories come flooding back…

A hopeful life ahead, Johnny at 3-4 years of age witnessed his parents torn apart and began to live separate lives. He 1st stayed with his mother and then was with his father…the hiss of boiling water flowing out of the pasta pot brought Johnny immediately back to the present. Disappointed and angry at Fred, slowly stirring the pasta, Johnny’s stomach pains from the lack of opiates became the focus of the moment. If Johnny only knew this moment is only the beginning of an unbelievable tale…

Johnny was hooked on opiates. Johnny’s father (Fred) was not a father at all but a person who has entered Johnny’s life; seemingly, to have someone to party with. Johnny made the mistake of moving to North Carolina from Virginia so the kids could spend time with his side of the family. Fred left Johnny and his older brother Alan when Johnny was 3 years old.

Fred got hooked on pills and progressed to shooting up liquid fentanyl. Johnny was terrified of needles and refused to participate; however, Fred pressured him to try it out. Fred persuaded Johnny to try the needle and there was no turning back. After Fred lost his place, Johnny was pressured to allow him to live with Johnny. Johnny’s wife, Liz, was against the idea but gave in and Fred moved into the apartment attached to the main house.

Stirring the pasta, Johnny was processing all the events leading up to this moment. A sudden knock on the back door brought Johnny out of his contemplation. Opening the door for Fred, Fred burst in with excitement. Woohoo, she got her prescription increased to 100 milligrams vs the 50-milligram patches I was getting!. Johnny knew quite a bit about medications and their danger of them because his wife was an ER nurse and he had prior struggles with pills from surgery and parties.

Don’t do it now! said Johnny. Wait until we eat dinner and Liz goes to bed! said Johnny as he was making the dinner plates for the kids. Ok, I will wait, said Fred. Fred went to his room and Johnny continued to prepare the plates and began setting the table. Within a few minutes, Johnny felt a sickening feeling deep within him. He stopped and listened; the entire house was deadly silent. Liz was taking a bath after a long day in the ER.

I bet he isn’t waiting, Johnny said to himself. Johnny knew of the danger of fentanyl through being married to an ER nurse. Liz told Johnny about the many different occasions drug users come into the ER due to fentanyl overdoses. Johnny quickly entered the apartment attached to the main house and no one was there. Johnny called out, Dad, where are you? …silence. Johnny called out once more with a frantic tone. He knew the dangers of fentanyl through the crazy stories from Liz in the ER. Johnny saw the bathroom of the apartment was closed but the light was on. He jerked the door open. Time literally stopped. There was Fred. Fred had cut the fentanyl patch open cooked the contents and injected the poison. Johnny will never forget the scene before him. The scene will be burned into his mind for the rest of his life. His father was purple and black from the neck up, eyes open, staring blankly at the ceiling. The needle was still in his arm and the tourniquet was still around his arm. Johnny grabbed the works (needle and tourniquet) and threw them under the vanity. He began screaming at the top of his lungs for Liz! Liz, Help! Help! Johnny grabbed the 220lb man by his ankles and dragged him out of the bathroom.

Liz ran into the room. Oh my God! Oh my God, screamed Liz. She went into work mode and started CPR. I started the chest compressions and she was performing mouth-to-mouth between the chest compressions. Johnny had been CPR-certified years before. Johnny was screaming at his father to wake up. Liz checked for a pulse…nothing. They continued CPR for a couple more sets. A slight pause for her to check for a pulse…there was a pulse so light, she was not sure whether there was a pulse or the thoughts of her wanting to feel a pulse. As Johnny was doing the chest compressions, he called 911 while Liz was doing mouth-to-mouth. Laying the phone down, while on speaker, he explained their location and stated his father had a heart attack. Luckily, there was a volunteer fire department less than a mile away. The firefighters/EMTs arrived in less than 5 minutes.

Exhausted within a matter of moments, a movement grabs Johnny’s attention between chest compressions. He fully looks up and sees his precious baby girl, Maddie, standing in the doorway. Time slows to a crawl, Johnny yells for Maddie to go to the other room and that Pawpaw Fred is ok. Pawpaw Fred is sick right now, everything is ok!

The firefighters arrive and take over. Johnny slowly fades away from the scene and finds Maddie watching cartoons in the other room. Liz comes in and attempts to talk to Johnny. Her voice is just another echo in the background, Johnny is in a fog. Johnny’s world has just changed in many ways, ways he will discover over weeks, months, and even years. Johnny feels like he is in a cartoon movie and all the background noise and people are like Charlie Brown’s school teacher. Liz grabs Johnny’s arm and brings him back to being present.

Liz was asking something about Johnny going to the hospital with Fred. Johnny had to force the opiate sickness down and function with the constant stomach cramping. Once again, he was saturated with shame due to the condition he allowed to creep into his life. He began to slowly get up from comforting Maddie. Well, really Maddie was the one comforting him, she just didn’t know it. Slowly, Johnny got to his feet and spoke to the paramedics. He was going to follow them to the hospital.

Fred was being loaded into the ambulance. Johnny got into his car and the off-and-on pains from the lack of opiates in Johnny’s blood continued to haunt him. What is wrong with me? Why are these thoughts continually plaguing my mind? Johnny mumbled to himself as he ducked into the car. As he followed the flashing lights, Why couldn’t it have been me? Johnny screamed thru the tears streaming down his face. Take me, instead! Johnny screamed! The screaming of the ambulance running a stop light brought Johnny back from his personal sulking.

The sulking ended as Johnny’s defensive/protective part began an inner dialog. The inner dialog brought up anger to cover life’s disappointing and traumatic events, such as this one. The inner dialog is between Johnny’s true self and a part of himself, which he refers to as the dark passenger. The dark passenger is the part of Johnny created in himself, yet part of himself, to handle traumatic events and/or situations. A part that can handle anything and everything. A part of himself to keep his true self safe and untouched by the inhumanities and heartache of this world. How did I ever get to this place, Johnny pondered. The feeling of losing his father, no matter the circumstance, triggered Johnny into a world of memories, trauma, and experiences.

Illustrations by Lucid

CHAPTER 1

As I sit here debating on where to begin my journey, I am attempting to avoid being hijacked by the part of me created the night of my father overdosing on fentanyl. I understand quickly why I am telling my story in the third person. Disassociating myself from the traumatic situations in my life has been a superpower in life and vital to my survival; in addition, it is now my kryptonite concerning relationships and trusting others. Notice I did not say however or but and used in addition instead. I did this because our trauma-created parts are not to be dismissed and/or negated but appreciated, accepted, loved, and understood. We come by these parts honestly and more than likely, they have had a strong hand in our survival. The story will have interjections that may be personal explanations and/or further descriptions of the analysis of an incident or experience. My experiences are exactly that, mine; the perspective I have and have had are mine to share, as well. No offense to anyone in and/or a part of my past, present, or future path in life. I will also be referring to parts, trauma responses, reactions, etcetera throughout the story of my personal traumas. I reveal my life to share hope, here is my story:

The first memories Johnny experienced were not of him playing with his older brother. The first memories were that of a traumatic event. Not a crazy family drama, his first memories were of his older brother climbing up onto a fish tank and the tank crashing on top of him.

Alan, Johnny’s older brother, fell to the floor with a crash immediately following. Alan began to scream.

Time slowed down to a near stop as Johnny surveyed the wreckage and decided what to do at a mature 2 ½ years old, LOL! Johnny knew immediately what to do! Alan was screaming, hurt but alive; however, the fish are slowly dying! Johnny dives onto the floor with glass and water flying! Time slows even more…as water runs from Johnny’s brow down his cheek. Johnny battles the sliminess for a grasp on the fish’s skin. After a brief thought, one of the first few thoughts Johnny ever recalls making, I know exactly where the fish can breathe and be safe! The potty! Following several trips from the bedroom floor to the toilet, an adult male appeared, presumably Johnny’s father; however, after researching the dates and times with Johnny’s family members, who have been renamed in the story, was a close friend of Johnny’s mother. Unknown until recently…like today, Johnny’s mother and father were married twice. The time of first memory was after the first divorce. No wonder Johnny learned to defend his true self with protector parts, both maternal parts divorcing twice: once at age 2 ½ and another time around age 5.

Speaking about the abandoned part of Johnny, we all have abandoned parts. Whether it is a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, sibling, and or BFF. Someone has abandoned each one of us at some point. The reason why relationship closeness feels so vulnerable is because of past experiences, some more traumatic than others.

Johnny’s survival depended on creating a toughened part that could sustain and navigate anything this world or the next had to offer. Unbeknownst to Johnny then, the protective/defensive part of Johnny kept him alive through several traumatic experiences. Ok, back to it…

Alan and Johnny are three years apart in age. Alan was Johnny’s idle. They were adventurers. At age 5, Johnny and Alan lived in Alexandria, VA. The temperature was perfect on this fall day. Johnny was running down from the bus stop.

Wait Up! yelled Alan. Johnny was always the fastest of the two. Johnny slowed his pace to allow Alan to come within a few feet of Johnny. BBBBRRRRRRREEEEWWWW!!!! SEE YA!! Johnny took off!

The narrow sidewalk was filled with sidewalk slabs jacked up from roots and/or ground movement. Johnny was zipping and zapping so fast it would turn a jackrabbit’s head!

Coming up over the last hill, out of breath and out of time for the coming moments ahead. After breaching the hilltop, the two brothers froze! Wide-eyed and filled with wonder-lust for the challenge that lies ahead.

Alan slowly motioned for Johnny to grab the broken piece of plywood they had set aside for the task ahead.

Johnny slowly stalked the piece of plywood like the still piece of wood was the giant himself!

Johnny grasps the piece of plywood with his usually dirty hands from antics such as this. Both the young boys stalked the large 3’ by 3’ drain and the large spillway it poured into.

GO, GO, GO!!!! yelled Alan. Alan dove down into the spillway and was waist-deep in moments! Dragging the piece of plywood, Johnny cleared the peak of the pipe! Time again slowed for johnny and Alan both!

The monster began to tear the dirt beneath his 2" long talons, the giant alligator snapping turtle was making a go for the drain pipe! The boys faced this dilemma several times in the past when a capture attempt was made.

The old monster was faster than he looked but this time Johnny was ready for him. Just as the monster was nearing full-speed crawl/swim, the plywood blocked his escape. As he came to a frustrating halt, Alan was on him and we caught many snapping turtles.

One must grab by the tail, which is ultra-strong, they are dinosaurs, and then lift the turtle up and away from you as fast as humanly possible, even faster if you can!

He was turning towards Alan and was pulled back. Alan had him! I dropped the piece of plywood and proceeded to help wrestle the monster to the bank. The water was murky but the boys could tell which way the monster’s head was on because of the weight shifts.

The giant turtle was heaved on shore and kept in a giant washtub for a day. The boys let the turtle show off his might by biting sticks in half and eating whole slabs of bologna. The day was won with innovation and planning. The young boys were so proud of their accomplishment and let the old monster go with extra bologna for his troubles.

Interjection:

Delving into past experiences does not always have to be trauma-filled and negative experiences. Mixing good, positive experiences allows for a more circumspective viewpoint of how life can be viewed and situations overcome. Even, reflecting on the different happenings of positive aspects of the past can create a positive vibe to operate in, more times than not, the positive vibe is connecting to one’s true self. Operating out of the positive, true self opens opportunities, relationships, and friendships, and allows a person to be vulnerable and loved. Learning to love with