I'll Be Good, Daddy

By Sylvia Roome

Abused children strive valiantly to please their abusers so that they can avoid conflict and be safe. Often this pattern of behavior follows them throughout their lives, and inevitably, they are doomed to failure. It is my hope that this book will educate others on how to best help these children and also adult victims of abuse who are struggling to become whole again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 27, 2017
• ISBN: 9781635259308

Book preview

Acknowledgments

Writing this book has been a brutally hard thing for me to do. There were times that when writing about things that had happened to me, or to my brother, or to my sister, or to my mother, it was so traumatic for me that I had to stop working on it, sometimes for months, and sometimes for years. I once did not work on it for twenty years because I could not bring myself to put down on paper what had been done to us, and this book has taken me 32 years to write.

The reason that I kept at it is that I want to stress that just because a child is removed from a batterer or abuser or molester does not mean that everything will be okay. It won’t. The repercussions from being abused follow a child for the rest of his or her life and often are passed down to the next generation, as happened in our family. Today, it is easier for an at-risk child to be identified and removed from the situation. However, there is little follow-up intensive counseling to help a child to become well and whole again. If an abused child does not receive counseling to learn to deal with what was done to them, healing does not take place, and their future is often bleak.

And so, I persevered. I have tried to be as honest as I can be, even when certain events still leave me feeling ashamed to this day. I have withstood a trial by fire, and it has taught me strength and compassion, and today, I like who I am. Although I am a Christian, I am not a churchgoer, due to things that happened to me in churches. I have tried but become too uneasy to stay for a whole service. However, I try very hard to live my life by God’s Golden Rule. I belatedly realized something as I was nearing completion of this book. Throughout the many years of my very stormy relationship with God, it was my Lord who gave me that backbone of steel, and was there picking me up, setting me on my feet, and giving me the strength and courage to go on, and I give Him my most humble thank you.

I could not have made it as far in life as I have without the help of my beautiful, sweet, little Mama, the late Gloria Shaw, who was a victim herself, and carried shame with her to the end, and without the help of my beloved Papa, the late Eugene Shaw, who was always there for me, was the rock underneath my feet, and once loved me enough to fight a bear for me. They made mistakes. They were not perfect, but then, no one else is, either, and they did the best that they could.

I want to give my sister, Mary, a heartfelt thanks for sharing my life with me, and being there for me through good times and bad. Most of all, I want to thank her for always making me laugh. I could not have made it through my life without a sense of humor. Thank you for the love and laughter, Little Sister.

And I want to thank my sons, Jeff and Jason, for forgiving me for my many mistakes and loving me anyway.

I would also like to thank my lifelong friends, Barb Sandvol-Stinson, Linda Teeter, Sharon Brown, and Elva Mills. Each of you encouraged and strengthened me at different times in my life when I floundered. Thanks, Girls. I would not have made it without you.

And most of all, I would like to thank my husband, my friend, Jeff Cunningham, who is my steady, loving influence to this day. He is the rock I stand beside so my feet are firm upon the ground.

Sylvia Roome

Part One

Daddy

Chapter One

Early 1953

Sylvia Roome (pronounced Rome) snuggled down in her daddy’s lap. She was blissfully unaware of the minister’s voice droning on and on. All Sylvia heard was the slow, steady beat of her daddy’s heart. She frequently pushed her head harder against his chest and inhaled deeply of his Old Spice after shave. Her eyes were halfclosed, and she was in a state of neareuphoria. This was something that happened every Sunday night when she began to get too sleepy to sit up during the church service.

Sylvia was a tiny, thin child. At four years of age, she was very frail, weighing only twentyfive pounds, and was exceedingly quiet and shy. She had light brown hair, and very large, dark blue eyes that looked somberly out at the world.

For this moment in time, Sylvia was one of the happiest children in the world. Unconsciously, her thumb worked its way up into her mouth. Instantly, her father thumped her hand painfully with his index finger and thumb. Sylvia jerked her thumb from her mouth, making a very audible pop. Her father frowned down at her. Sylvia looked quickly away and stuck her hand between her legs so her thumb would stay out of her mouth. Again, her father thumped her. She put her hand behind her back.

The peaceful mood had been broken. Sylvia began to get wiggly. The harder she tried to sit still, the more she squirmed. Daddy kept frowning down at her, and at last he whispered fiercely, Do you have to go potty again? Sylvia nodded, without looking at him. "Well, get down and go, then. And be quiet," he hissed at her.

Sylvia climbed down from his lap and walked on tippytoes down between the pews to the back of the church. Several members of the congregation smiled in amusement at her exaggerated efforts to be quiet.

Out in the foyer, she turned and went down the stairs. At the bottom, she stopped, and a knot of fear tightened in her tummy. Although the long hallway was welllit, the Sunday school rooms on each side were cold and dark. And Sylvia was afraid of the dark.

Everyone knew the DEVIL lived down under the ground in the dark. Daddy said so. And the DEVIL liked to get bad girls. Daddy said so. And Sylvia was a bad girl. Daddy said so—all the time.

It was bad to have to go potty during church. Sylvia always tried really hard to wait, but somehow, she never could. Her older brother, Cameron, never had to go during church. Well, hardly ever. Right now, he was sleeping peacefully with his head in Mommy’s lap. The DEVIL sure wouldn’t get him.

Sylvia was afraid to go on down the hall. Her heart thumped wildly, but she had to potty sooo bad. She grabbed herself between the legs to keep from wetting her pants, but suddenly remembered only bad girls touched themselves down there, and she jerked her hands away. At last, she could wait no longer, and she started slowly down the long hallway, stopping to peer fearfully into each gigantic, black room.

Suddenly the floorboard creaked, and Sylvia bolted on down the hall to the bathroom. While struggling to get her bottom clear up on the toilet seat by herself, she did not quite make it in time and got her panties a little wet. Sylvia hated that, because it felt so icky. As she pulled her panties up, she unknowingly got the back of her dress tucked in them. She was in such a hurry because she was terrified of this bathroom.

It was a small room, with white walls, and a cement floor painted gray. There was a little window up high in the wall near the ceiling. The toilet was up a step and was white, with a wooden toilet seat and an oldfashioned tank suspended from the ceiling. There was one light bulb that had a long string hanging from it to turn it on and off.

Sylvia was afraid here. She had been hurt here. Buried deep within her being was a memory too painful to remember, and only her terror remained.

Peeking first around the door to make sure the DEVIL was not out there, Sylvia ran all the way down the hallway, and back up the stairs.

Breathing heavily, she tiptoed down the aisle to the pew where her parents were, her little pink panties, with dress tucked neatly inside, wiggling back and forth all the way.

Everyone tittered, and a few of the church members laughed out loud.

Daddy turned and saw her.

Yanking her by the shoulder onto his lap, he pulled her dress out of her panties, and discovered that they were wet.

Daddy gave Sylvia such a fierce look that made her stomach churn dangerously. She knew, without a doubt, what would happen when they got home.

Chapter Two

Clifton Roome was a tall, blond, serious man. He was deeply religious; in fact, he never made a decision of any kind without praying about it first. Clifton’s God was a stern, unforgiving God, who demanded perfection of His children. These beliefs put enormous pressure on Clifton, who, in turn, demanded perfection of himself and his family.

The trouble was, no one ever measured up to his standards, including Clifton himself. He suffered terrible guilt over every imagined little sin, and if he failed to notice something, his mother, Ina Roome, would be sure to point it out. Mrs. Roome disapproved of everyone and everything, especially Clifton’s wife, Gloria.

Clifton had a tremendous amount of pride in his wife’s tiny, slim attractiveness, but at the same time, he was jealous and very resentful of her. His wife’s beauty both delighted and offended him. He never could quite figure out how he had managed to marry her and was scared to death of losing her.

Gloria was so unlike his own mother, who was very prim and proper. Clifton’s mother wore her long, thin hair in braided ropes around her head. Her dresses were darkcolored and almost touched the floor, and she wore thick, heavy, overrun black shoes. She was enormously overweight. She was stern, unforgiving, never smiled, and was a pillar in her church.

Clifton’s wife was almost the exact opposite of his mother, which was what had attracted him to her in the first place. She was five feet, two inches tall, and weighed 105 pounds. She had short, very blond hair. Gloria was the only child of a retired minister and his wife, and she, too, took her religion seriously. But unlike Ina Roome, Gloria was wellliked by everyone and had been very popular in college. She handled their family business accounts with ease, while also running the home and her family. Clifton was jealous of her ability and constantly sought out ways to criticize and belittle her to other people. Although these things hurt Gloria very deeply, she had been raised like all girls of her generation. She accepted what her husband said and did in silence and worked harder to please him.

Most of all, Clifton resented the way Gloria babied their son, Cameron, and their daughter, Sylvia. He felt that she was far too easy on the children. He was after her all the time to quit kissing and cuddling them.

Clifton did not like Cameron and hadn’t liked him from the moment he was born. Gloria had immediately transferred all her time and affection from himself to the boy. Clifton felt that Cameron, at age six, was a sissy. Cameron was small and thin, and he wore glasses. He did not like to play baseball, go fishing, or do any other masculine things. Clifton constantly pushed the boy, but to no avail. Cameron seemed frightened of his own shadow and still wet the bed at night. Worse yet, when he was disciplined, he frequently messed his pants.

Then there was Sylvia. She refused to eat at every meal and had nightmares. He had been trying to break her of thumb-sucking for years, even putting hot sauce on her thumbs. But Sylvia got up in the night, washed her thumbs off, and sucked them anyway.

Then there was Sylvia’s bathroom problem. The child had to go constantly and was always digging at herself down there, which offended Clifton’s sense of propriety. Clifton felt that she did it for attention. Sylvia had a stubborn will of steel, and Clifton fully intended to break that will.

Chapter Three

When the Roomes reached home that evening after church, Clifton carried Sylvia into the house, while Gloria was busy helping Cameron, who was still sleepy.

He took Sylvia straight to the cavernous, dirt basement below their house, carefully locking the door behind him.

Clifton took off Sylvia’s dress and panties, then began to unbuckle his belt slowly, his large body towering over her.

I’ll be good, Daddy, Sylvia whimpered, her eyes wide with fear. No, Daddy, please. I’ll be good, Daddy.

Clifton turned her upside down over his lap, and the belt came down over and over on her little bare bottom, back, and legs. Sylvia’s screams echoed again and again throughout the basement.

Dear Lord, help this child to learn Thy ways, he prayed as he hit her over and over.

His praying, Sylvia’s screaming, and the sight of Sylvia’s angry, red flesh, excited Clifton so that he could hardly control himself. His hands were shaking wildly. At last, Sylvia was just a crumpled, little heap on the floor, and her whimpering stirred him.

Clifton Roome began to undo his pants.

Chapter Four

Sylvia lay huddled on the floor, conscious only of the stinging pain on her back, bottom, and legs.

Gently, she was lifted and turned so that her back was to Daddy. She felt something hard and hot fumbling at her buttocks, and then there was a searing, burning pain deep inside her. Her forehead broke out in a sweat; she gave a short, strangled cry, and knew no more.

Chapter Five

Gloria was trying to get Cameron into his pajamas. It was like trying to dress a large, heavy, rag doll. First he flopped over one way, and then he fell over the other way.

Suddenly, Gloria raised her head sharply. Was that Sylvia screaming?

Quickly, Gloria shoved Cameron back onto his bed and tore down the hallway, into the kitchen, and over to the basement door. It was locked! Putting her ear against the door, Gloria held her breath and listened. Yes! That was Sylvia screaming! Oh no! Clifton was whipping her again!

Gloria began beating on the door and yelling at Clifton to stop, but she heard no response from him. Sylvia’s screaming went on for a long time—a very long time.

At last, there was only silence.

With her fists clenched and tears streaming down her face, Gloria slowly returned to her son.

Chapter Six

Sylvia gradually became aware that she was sitting on Daddy’s workbench in the dark. She could smell the damp, moldy smell of the basement. The pain filled her mind and her body, so that she did not remember to be afraid of the dark. Inside her, deep inside, it burned and itched and throbbed.

Mommy? she whimpered.

Don’t tell, or Daddy will go to jail, and the DEVIL will get thee.

The whispering voice made Sylvia jump, and for a moment, she was afraid. But then, she remembered that you couldn’t see God, but you could hear Him. So this must be God talking to her!

Don’t tell, or the DEVIL will get you.

And Sylvia never told.

Chapter Seven

Clifton Roome owned his own business, the Mt. Hood Telephone Company. His headquarters were in the huge house they lived in. It was so large that there were five bedrooms upstairs that they blocked off and never used. That still left the main office, a dining room, living room, which had formerly been a parlor, a bathroom, kitchen, a pantry, and three bedrooms. His company served the small Oregon town of Dufur and the ranching community they lived in. During the days, Clifton was often out checking lines, or fixing his customers’ telephones, and Gloria ran the switchboard. Their company did not have the new direct-dial system, so every incoming or outgoing call came through the switchboard, where Gloria took the number and then connected them with the proper party. It was a tiresome, boring, demanding job. Gloria could never be out of earshot of the switchboard’s insistent buzzer. She worked at their accounts between calls during the day. During the nights, the Roomes slept on a hideaway bed beside the switchboard, so that Gloria could answer any calls that came in during the middle of the night. Clifton himself took no night calls because he needed his rest.

During the days, Clifton frequently took his daughter with him, as Gloria was busy running the home, business, and the switchboard. It was difficult for her to keep an eye on the small child. Clifton enjoyed taking Sylvia with him because she loved him and was eager to please him. Cameron totally disgusted him with his sissy ways.

Sylvia loved to go with Daddy. They had so many good times. Sylvia was charmed by the outdoors and the sunshine and by the farm animals on the ranches they visited. Once she got to hold a squealing, wiggly baby pig that sucked noisily on her coat buttons, while Sylvia giggled with joy.

Daddy allowed her total freedom as he worked on the telephone lines, and she ran and played, and did as she pleased. They would sing church hymns as they drove along. Sometimes he would sit her on his lap, and let her hold the steering wheel as he drove. He taught her Scriptures from the Bible, and at age four and a half, she could recite The Lord’s Prayer flawlessly.

Sometimes, they would stop for coffee in the small town’s only restaurant. Daddy would put several spoonfuls of coffee in the little glass cream pitchers and let Sylvia drink from them. Sylvia loved coffee, and she felt very grown up, especially when people would sit and visit with them, and include Sylvia in their conversations. Daddy acted proud of her and patted and kissed her frequently. When Sylvia had to stay home, she got no attention at all.

But sometimes, there was trouble too. One day Sylvia was sitting on the running board of the panel truck that carried Daddy’s telephone equipment. She was letting a ladybug crawl on her arm and did not hear Daddy walk up to her at all.

Daddy has to go to the bathroom, Sylvia, so don’t you look, Daddy said.

Sylvia jumped at the sound of his voice, and she looked up. Daddy was standing directly in front of her. He had a big, funnylooking thing in his hand, and it was sticking out of his pants!

Sylvia’s eyes grew wide. She had never seen anything quite like this before, and she was very curious. After all, she did not have anything like that in her pants. She wondered what it was.

Daddy had a funny little smile on his face. Nice girls don’t look, Sylvia, he said softly. Embarrassed without knowing exactly why, Sylvia looked away, but she immediately heard the sound of water splattering, and she looked up again. That thing in Daddy’s hand was squirting water! Sylvia was astounded!

Nice girls don’t look, Daddy repeated. Thee must not look. Sylvia looked away again, until the water stopped, and then ventured a quick peek. The thing in Daddy’s hand had grown, and was sticking straight out! Fascinated, Sylvia could not look away.

Do you have to go potty, Sylvia?

No, Daddy. I’ll be good, Daddy. Please, I don’t have to. I’ll be good, Daddy. Sylvia didn’t like to potty when Daddy was around. He always insisted on helping her, and then it always hurt to go.

No, Daddy. I’ll be good, Daddy.

But Daddy turned her around with her back to him, and that thing bumped her in the face. It was hot! He pulled her pants down and ordered her to go potty. Obediently, she squatted down and started to go. Immediately, her body was lifted up and slammed down on something hard and hot, and a ripping, searing pain hit her deep inside. She screamed, and the urine ran unchecked all over her feet, and blood dripped off her legs.

On the way home, Sylvia was silent. Daddy held her close beside him, but that didn’t help the ache in her heart, or the hot, stinging pain in her belly.

Don’t tell anyone, Sylvia, or the DEVIL will get you. Nice girls don’t look at their Daddy’s ‘down there.’ You are a very bad girl. God has to punish bad girls. You wouldn’t want the DEVIL to get you, now, would you? Don’t tell or the DEVIL will get thee for sure. If you’re good and don’t tell, Daddy won’t let the DEVIL get you.

Chapter Eight

It was hot, too hot. Sylvia’s eyes burned, and her breath felt hot in her throat. She thrashed back and forth in bed and every movement caused shooting pains in her back. When she opened her eyes, there were dancing monsters on the walls that frightened her. Sylvia squeezed her eyes tightly shut.

Sylvia had gotten up sick this morning. She threw up as soon as she got up. And it had hurt her so bad to go potty that she had screamed.

Mommy had taken her to the doctor, and he had Sylvia potty in a little cup. Then he had stuck her arm with a big needle, and her blood had filled a little glass tube. It hurt, and Sylvia cried. Then the doctor had given Sylvia some big, red pills that were hard to swallow. They kept getting stuck in Sylvia’s throat, making her choke and gag.

Sylvia was afraid, because she felt so hot, and she hurt all over. Two little tears squeezed out from under her eyelids, but she did not cry out. Daddy didn’t like for Sylvia to cry and sometimes slapped her when she did cry.

Suddenly, and so very gently, there was a cold, wet rag on her head. Sylvia opened her burning eyes, and Mommy’s face swam in front of her. She closed her eyes again and felt her nightgown being taken from her. Then the cool rag was all over her, soothing, refreshing, and calming her fears. Soon Sylvia began to feel better. It wasn’t so bad to be sick after all!

Hour after hour, Mommy sat by Sylvia’s bed. As the fever went down, Mommy cuddled her and kissed her. This was a rare and exquisite experience for Sylvia, and she loved every minute of it! She wanted to stay sick.

Mommy talked to her too. She told Sylvia that she was going to have a baby! Sylvia grew very excited and wanted to know everything about what the new baby would be like. Sylvia loved babies. She thought that they were so cute. Sylvia thought that it was funny that Mommy said the baby was in her tummy, and she did not know if the baby would be a boy or a girl. She decided that she wanted a sister, because she already had a brother, and although they were buddies, sometimes he picked on her and made her mad.

Chapter Nine

Mommy was cooking supper, and it smelled awful. She said it was liver, and the doctor had said that Sylvia must eat some because she was anemic. Sylvia did not know what anemic was, but she did know that the stuff Mommy put on her plate made her stomach churn. She sat and eyed it fearfully as Daddy asked the blessing.

And we thank Thee, O Lord, for Thy goodness and mercy to us. Please bless the food that Thou hast provided for us. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. As Clifton began to eat, he caught sight of his daughter’s ashen face and groaned inwardly.

Another battle, he thought angrily. Why does she have to fight everything that goes into her stomach? Well, with Thy help, Lord, I fully intend to win this one.

Eat your meat, Sylvia, he commanded.

I don’t like it, Daddy, Sylvia said in a small voice. I don’t feel good.

"I said to eat your meat. Now do it, or Daddy will take you to the basement and spank you."

Sylvia obediently put a bite in her mouth. It tasted nasty. Her stomach revolted, and she gagged.

Instantly, Clifton was beside his daughter.

"If you throw up, I’ll make you eat it anyway! Now get busy," he roared.

Clifton, maybe we could get her some iron tablets, Gloria began.

"Shut up, Gloria! I am handling this. If you would be firmer with her, we wouldn’t have this problem every single time we sit down to eat. Take another bite, Sylvia."

Sylvia put another bite in her mouth and tried to swallow it without chewing it. She choked, but it went down.

Another bite, Sylvia.

Again, Sylvia took a bite. Suddenly, her stomach rebelled, and she vomited the liver into her plate.

I TOLD YOU, YOU’LL EAT IT ANYWAY! Clifton shouted, his face contorted with rage. He stabbed a piece of the vomited meat with the fork and forced it into the child’s mouth. Sylvia’s hands flew up to push it away, and she turned over her milk. Instantly, she froze in terror.

Clifton grabbed Sylvia by the arm and dragged her from her chair and over to the yawning, dark basement stairs.

Gloria pulled on Clifton’s shirt, trying to hold him back.

Clifton, please don’t spank her. She tried—.

"I told you to shut up," he shouted, shoving her roughly aside. Losing her balance because of her pregnancy, Gloria fell to the floor heavily, taking her chair down on top of her.

Clifton dragged Sylvia down by one arm into the basement, where he tore off all her clothing, including her panties. He held her up off the floor by her arm, reached for one of the switches that he kept handy for spanking his children, and then lit into Sylvia’s dangling little bottom with all his righteous might.

Sylvia’s screams rang through the house. Clifton hit her over and over, until the blood ran down her legs and splattered through the air with each new blow.

Then suddenly Gloria was beside him, screaming and beating him with her fists. Cameron stood at the top of the stairs, watching in horror, while unconsciously, his bowels emptied themselves into his pants.

Clifton dropped Sylvia to the floor. Turning, he swung his fist in a mighty arc through the air and caught Gloria square on the jaw. She dropped like a rock straight to the floor without making a sound.

As he reached for the switch again, his eye fell on a two-by-four-inch board lying on the floor. Lifting it with both hands, he brought it down right in the middle of Sylvia’s lower back.

Chapter Ten

Sylvia lay face down on the dirt floor where she had fallen. It was dark, cold, damp, and the musty smell gradually penetrated her consciousness. She felt afraid, and she shivered. The DEVIL lived down in the dark!

Turning her head, she could see the late afternoon sun pouring in through the outside door of the basement. Shivering again, she tried to crawl toward the sunlight. Her movements caused intense, blinding pains all up and down her back and legs. Involuntarily, she cried out.

Hearing a slight noise beside her, Sylvia flinched, and held her breath. Is Daddy still mad? she wondered fearfully.

Then a hand softly touched her head, and ever so gently, turned her over. It was Mommy! She took Sylvia into her arms and buried her face into Sylvia’s neck. There were loud, clattering footsteps on the kitchen stairs, and little Cameron threw himself into their arms.

Mother and children sat rocking back and forth on the earthen floor, the tears of one mingling with the tears of all.

Chapter Eleven

Sylvia and Cameron were practically beside themselves with excitement. Mommy was going to take them on a vacation to see Grampie and Gram Leland in The Dalles!

Mommy and Daddy had been yelling at each other, while Cameron and Sylvia hid themselves under the bed and listened in fear. Daddy said they could not go, but Mommy had packed a suitcase anyway. Now everything was okay. Mommy and Daddy were not talking to each other at all, and they were all going to Grampie’s and Gram’s. Everyone, that is, except Daddy, and that fact had begun to bother Sylvia.

Now, Mommy was standing at the far end of the long hallway, waiting for Cameron and Sylvia to tell Daddy good-bye. The suitcase was all packed and ready beside her. The sun shone in the open doorway behind her, and Sylvia’s little heart beat painfully, because she loved Mommy so much. She always thought Mommy was beautiful and looked just like pictures she had seen of Jesus’s mommy.

Cameron drew back, but Daddy put his arms around them and pulled them close. Sylvia closed her eyes, buried her nose in Daddy’s neck, and deeply inhaled of his after shave. Daddy smelled sooo good.

Now, Daddy wants you not to believe anything Mommy tells you while you’re gone, because Mommy is a liar. Just remember how much Daddy loves thee and will miss thee.

Sylvia slid her thin, little arms around his neck and hugged him tight, then turned and walked with her brother down the long hall to where Mommy stood waiting. Cameron held Sylvia’s hand, because she was still having a little trouble walking. Her legs felt all tingly, and sometimes they did not hold her up at all.

When they reached their mother, Mommy reached down and took Sylvia’s hand, and Cameron manfully lugged the suitcase out the door.

Sylvia turned to look back at Daddy. Suddenly, she didn’t feel good about going at all, because Daddy was crying.

Chapter Twelve

Gram was baking cookies while Sylvia and Cameron sat at the table watching her and sneaking little bites of dough, which Gram pretended not to notice. Mommy never had time to bake cookies, because she always had to run the switchboard. The children were so excited that they could hardly sit still. Gram took the first cookies out of the oven, and the aroma filled the house. As soon as they cooled, Gram said they could eat as many as they wanted.

Both the children took two big handfuls of cookies, but Sylvia could not finish even her first one. Her tummy hurt. It hurt all the time, and she could not eat much of anything.

Sylvia wanted to go home. She missed Daddy and worried about who was taking care of him. She dreamed of him at night and woke up crying.

Daddy called and talked to them every day. He begged them to ask Mommy to bring them home. But Mommy only cried and said they couldn’t go home. One day, a man driving a big truck came to the door bringing pretty flowers to Mommy. The little card with the flowers said that they were from Daddy, but Mommy cried some more and angrily threw them away. Sylvia could not understand why Mommy should cry over such pretty flowers.

Gram took Sylvia and Cameron for long walks in the woods every day. They loved it! Sometimes they took a picnic lunch and ate sitting under the pine trees. The children ran, played hideandseek, and picked wildflowers for their mother. Mommy could not go with them, because she was getting real fat, and she was always tired now.

At night, Grampie sat with the children on his lap and told them long stories about wonderful things that he had done when he was a boy, or about Indians. He tickled them, let them comb his hair, and played outrageous jokes on them, and the house rang with their laughter.

But then, bedtime came. Sylvia’s fear of the dark had turned into sheer terror. She would wake screaming and see the DEVIL dancing on the wall. He was big, red, ugly and leered at her. His long claws reached out for her and tried to grab her. She would cower in her bed, and sometimes, she vomited what little supper she had been coaxed into eating. Then Grampie would come in and tell her that Jesus loved her and would not let the DEVIL get her. He would sit and hold her and tell her that the DEVIL could not get good girls like Sylvia. But Sylvia knew deep down inside that she was not good. Daddy said so. All the time.

One day as Gram, Cameron, and Sylvia returned from their walk, Sylvia spied Daddy’s car turning into the driveway. Dropping the flowers she had picked for her mother, she flew across the yard and straight into Daddy’s arms. He lifted her high above his head and swung her around and around, while she laughed and shouted in delight.

Chapter Thirteen

Gloria stood watching this little scene from the living room window. She felt so trapped. She had not really loved Clifton since their honeymoon almost eight years before. Gloria had been a virgin on her wedding night, and Clifton’s sexual cruelty and extreme jealousy had horrified her and shamed her emotionally and physically injured her body. She had tried desperately to please him. Her whole honeymoon had been spent in a state of shock at the change from her laughing, charming, handsome fiancé, to a cruel, mocking monster of a husband, who not only demanded constant sexual gratification but had no sense of consideration for her sore and aching body. The first night alone he had demanded intercourse seven times and took her with such violence that she was left torn and bleeding. He could change in an instant and, without warning, become enraged. Now, after all these years with him, all she felt was a resignation to her fate and a strong sense of duty to her marital vows, because she had been raised to believe divorce was a sin.

Gloria knew Clifton was too hard on the children. She herself had been raised very strictly, but with a general lack of physical punishment. It had not been easy to be the preacher’s kid, and she had always been expected to act perfectly at all times and had resented this very much, but she had never been beaten. Not until she married Clifton.

Gloria also knew that her little boy was terrified of his father. And Sylvia! Why Clifton had actually broken the end off her tail bone! Gloria could feel it and move it around with her finger. And yet, Sylvia loved him so. She was making herself sick with worrying about him, and Gloria was afraid her tiny daughter would actually starve herself to death. She was literally eating her heart out over him.

If only I could get a job, she thought. Then I would not have to go back to him. I can’t live off Mother and Dad forever. But now this baby is coming. Nobody will hire a woman who has a baby due any moment.

Gloria had never told her parents