Behind the Scenes: After the Pain

By Antonette Smith

If you have suffered in your intimate relationships, marriage, or singleness state of being. This book is for you. We suffer in silence from lack of intimacy from our mates, spouses, or during courtships for many reasons mainly because of our lack of knowledge of a true relationship, marriage, partnership, or commitment. Mixed with distorted views because of sexual violations as a child, because of physical or sexual abuse as a teen, because of rape, because of incest, because of our insecurities, because we lack self-esteem, because we lack self-control, because of our lack respect for ourselves. We week love in all the wrong ways from the wrong people at the wrong times because of our own lustful desires and desperation that leads us into a deep level of sexual sins and addictions. But Jesus has the power to free you from all sexual sins, lustful desires, and acts of desperation. Read how he made me free from all the above!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684568697

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Behind the Scenes

After the Pain

Antonette Smith

Copyright © 2019 Antonette Smith

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc. 2019

ISBN 978-1-68456-868-0 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-68456-869-7 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Thank you to all my faithful followers and readers. Thank you for all your support, your reviews and feedback, and appearances at my book signings. I don’t take it lightly that you have chosen to read my books. Thank you so much. I realize there are billions of books being written and published daily by many great authors. I am humbled you choose to read my work. I pray that I have been a blessing to your life and journey to your success. I pray I have helped you to become the person you were created to be and strengthen you to stand in the trials of this life with the power and presence of God, the love of Jesus, and the communion of the sweet Holy Spirit. I pray that Behind the Scenes has helped you to create your plan of action to get you to your destination in view. The Behind the Scenes series is the sequel to the Real Antonette Come Forth book series with ages five to thirty-nine. This series consist of five books with ages five to forty-one. Behind the Scenes was number 1 that kicked this series off. I wanted you to know the steps in which I took to get to the place I am today. These next four books will be about all my mental, emotional, physical struggles I lived in secret, in silence, so I thought no one knew. Hope you enjoy this sequel as you did the series.

Love,

Antonette

Prelude of What’s to Come!

Volume 3: My Life as a Caregiver: How I Became the Best in My Field

Volume 4: The Heart of the Matter: God Cleansing My Inside / Me Facing Truth about Myself

Volume 5: Made for Him: God Uniquely Made Me for My Husband

Preface

After the Pain: My Relationships with Men (The Dangers of Having Good Desires at the Wrong Time, for the Wrong People).

This book deals with all my relationships with men from ages five to forty-one when my molestation began and how my perception of men was distorted. I will walk you through all the mental, physical, and emotional effects of my encounters with men. The dangers I lived in throughout my life until Jesus freed me from the stain of all my abusers and even from myself. We are truly our worst enemy; no one has to do anything to us from the outside for us to destroy ourselves. I will prove it to you in this book. There are many dangers I endured because of my perception of the male species.

I walk you through my mental and emotional journey as I sought out to seek love, revenge, acceptance, answers, security, peace, and happiness in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways, at the wrong times from the wrong people. How my thinking was warped and fueled by negative behaviors and attitudes. How I became to think and act like my abusers in many ways and forms. How I disregarded men’s feelings altogether to get what I wanted, when I wanted it. How I used many forms of manipulation, trickery, and deception to satisfy my flesh. Nothing or no one was off limits when it came to fulfilling my sexual desires, the lust of my eyes, or the burning in my flesh for more.

The flesh was or is never satisfied. I will show you how far we will go to feed our desires that will lead you to an early grave. This was the behind the scenes battle I fought and faced daily that no one knew about. Each year and age brought about more corruption to my flesh; it continued to grow year after year until Jesus freed and delivered me from me. I would describe my desires as a snowball rolling down Mount Everest with each roll the snowball gets bigger and bigger until it reaches the bottom. Now you know that Mount Everest’s elevation is 29,029 from the ground. I accumulated a lot of snow (sexual sins) before I hit the bottom traveling at the speed of light. Sit back, relax, and enjoy more trues of my past life in the flesh.

Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. And God hath both raised up the Lord, and will also raise up us by his own power. Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

—First Corinthians 6:13–20, KJV

Chapter 1

The Danger of Lies, Deception, and Betrayal

Age five

1981

Welcome to After the Pain: My Relationships with Men chapter 1. I will use the human skin as a metaphor because it has three layers. To describe the three evils in their form and manifestations. The three evils I am referring to are lies, deception, and betrayal. They all are different but connected to each other and holds their own level of evil, corruption, and wickedness.

Lies

Lies are the first form of evil.

Lies—to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive. To create a false or misleading impression (Webster).

Lies—are the first layer of skin. This layer is called the epidermis. Epidermis is the outermost layer of skin, provides a waterproof barrier, and creates the skin tone (Webster).

John 8:44, KJV, says, Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murder from the beginning, and abode not in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own for he is a liar and the father of lies.

This is my take on lies. Anyone can tell you a lie, and you believe it but mainly a stranger. Strangers can tell you lies, and you never see or hear from them again, and most of the time you will move past a lie because it is considered surface hurt. The top of the skin lies hurt but don’t have a root; it’s the seed planted for the two other forms of evil to come in. They only take root if you repeatedly hear them, hear the same lie. Not saying that people you know don’t lie to you, but I am describing my beginning of evil on lies in this chapter.

Deception

Deception is the second level of evil known as corruption.

Deception—the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid: an act of deceiving. Trick, fool, guile, slyness, pretense (Webster).

Deception—would be the second layer of skin. This layer is called the dermis, beneath the epidermis. It contains tough connective tissue, hair follicles, and sweat glands (Webster). So we see the dermis is much tougher than the epidermis, but it is connected to it with some added substances. Once you have been exposed to lies and carry that hurt, the next level of hurt pierce deeper into your and mind. Now my perception is that you can only be deceived by someone you know personally or have had some form of connection too.

Genesis 1:13, KJV, says, And the Lord God said unto the woman, ‘What is this that thou hast done?’ And the woman said, ‘The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat’.

We see in the scripture that Eve knew the serpent and was in contact or conversation with him for some length of time to talk in detail. You can only be deceived by people that you are in close contact with and have a level of trust. That’s why the hurt level is much deeper than a lie because you had some trust in the person before they deceived you. Are you beginning to see what I am talking about? If I don’t know you or to some degree have trust in you, what you say about me or try to do to me don’t matter because we have nothing connecting us. You’re just a skin—epidermis (lies)—the top layer.

Betrayal

Betrayal—"the act of betraying someone. Violation of a person’s trust or confidence, of a moral standard, etc. When you betray someone or something, you reveal something like a secret or your true feelings. You betray your friend when you pretend that something is true just to trick him into doing what you want, a form of deception (Webster).

Betrayal—is the third layer of the skin called hypodermis. Hypodermis is the deeper subcutaneous tissue that’s made of fat and connective tissue. The hypodermis is the deepest layer and the thickest layer of skin because it has connective tissue (dermis: deception) and fat. Fat holds and absorbs everything. Because this layer is so deep, if cut or bruised, it takes longer to heal, to mend. And you can’t see the bruise or hurting or healing process because it is so deep beneath the skin the surface.

Betrayal is only possible for people that are close to you—friends, family, spouse, lovers. These are the only people that can betray you because they are the closest to you. You have a strong and deep bond with them. A deep love, trust, and respect for them. This is why when you are betrayed, it is beyond the hurt of a lie, and it is beyond the hurt of deception. Betrayal level of hurt is deadly. The hurt of betrayal is so strong and deep it will kill you. It does deep into your being, your spirit, your soul; every fiber of your being is devastated once you experience betrayal. Okay, you don’t believe that betrayal is deadly. I will prove it with Jesus.

Matthew 26:48–50, KJV, says, Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, whomever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast. And forthwith he came to Jesus and said hail, master; and kissed him. And Jesus said unto him, friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus, and took him.

Judas betrayed Jesus, and Jesus called him friend because they were close. Jesus trained Judas. Judas walked, worked, slept, ate, traveled, prayed with Jesus for three years every day. That’s a long time to be in the company of an individual and not develop love for them. We, as human, formed feelings for people in much shorter times. So imagine the level of love Jesus had for Judas, and Judas had for Jesus before Satan entered into him. It was deep love. I believe this was why Jesus prayed that this cup would passed him. Because of the hurt of betrayal, he knew it was deadly, and it killed the Lord. But betrayal was part of his cross to bear on his way to glory, to victory. Now that I have explained the three layers of evil and the depth of