Life After Losing A Child

By Antonette Smith

Life After Losing a Child is dedicated to my son, Antonio Smith-Scott (May 23, 1992–March 5, 2013) and in honor of my mother, Flora Scott (August 25, 1949–January 3, 2020), who birthed eight children and lost six before her own death.

Life After Losing a Child is based on my own experiences—from a mother’s perspective losing a child, from a sibling’s perspective losing brothers in early childhood, how the death of my brothers affected my parents and our family. I also share how losing my own son affected my family, my four other children, and their father. Millions of parents lose a child every day and are left struggling, trying to not be overtaken with grief for the rest of our lives. We suffer from guilt, shame, hurt, pain, and sorrows until we allow Jesus to heal us. Losing a child from a miscarriage, stillbirth, sickness, deformities, abortions, accidents, or homicides—all these losses of a child carries the same hurts, pains, sorrows, and grief. The loss of these children leaves a void in all our lives as a family. I pray by sharing my loss and grief process, you will seek Jesus for healing for yourself and family. That you will be empowered to live your best life after the loss of a child or sibling. I pray you will live to the fullest capacity God has intended, Jesus died to give you, with the Holy Spirit guiding you—a life of purpose not only for yourself and family, but for the child that is gone but not forgotten.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 24, 2021
• ISBN: 9781662447938

Book preview

1

A Prayer for a Child

As a little girl and the only girl in the home, I played with my many dolls. I played with my tea sets and easy-bake ovens with my full kitchen. I would line dolls, aka my babies, up to eat at my little table. I would lay them down for their naps. Bathing them in the sink and changing their clothes. I always have the latest dolls—big dolls; no Barbie dolls for me. My father would always take to get new dolls because I took care of my toys. My mother kept me with the newest kitchen sets and ovens for little girls. All this was training for parenthood. I always dreamed of being a mother as early as I can remember. I always watched my aunts and uncles deal with children and babies. I was my parents’ baby and last child so we didn’t have babies in our home to stay. I would always gravitate toward babies and children even though I was a child. I would say I will be the best mother in the world. As I grew older, I began to plan what kind of house I would live in, the sex of my child, and how many I wanted, the kind of job I would have, and what I wanted my husband to be like. I put some time and thought into being a great mother and wife for many years as I played with my doll collection. I watched my parents, how they lived and made decisions, that I would live my life differently.

My mother and father were never married, but my mom was married and then divorced. So I had two great fathers, and I was their baby girl. They co-parented us. We spent time with both our fathers in their homes. My stepfather was remarried briefly, some like two or three years. My father was married to a lady briefly, I think maybe one year, with no children. Neither one of my fathers had any more children after my mother. My biological father had lots of children—seventeen or eighteen by one lady, with a few singles on the side by other women. It is safe to say my father had his heyday and few days that belong to someone else. I just say my father was a loving man that showed his love openly by producing children.

Even though my three parents went their separate ways with different mates—my mom included—they were extremely close. So close that my fathers would stay the night in our home while my mom’s mate was there. I thought this was normal behavior of parents that raise children together, but in my own adult life that bird didn’t fly with my ex-husband nor did that dog hunt. Those are quotes from the elderly; you know old people always speak in parables, riddles. I learned a lot from both my grandmothers. All right, people, now that you have an idea of my family dynamic as a child, I will begin with my story. Now each chapter will be different and not written in chronological order because there was no straight path to my healing. I bounced around in my emotions day to day like a ping pong ball between two rackets. I was unstable a lot of days. Days of crying, days of joy, days of depression, days of sorrow, days of guilt, days of shame, days of blame, days of disbelief, days of hopelessness, days of near death, days of denial, days of anger, days of confusion, days of just loss, not knowing what to do or how to feel or cope, sleepless nights, long days, shorts days, no holidays. I went through it all and I know you have too, but there is help, there is hope, and there is healing for us through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

2

You Are Highly Favored

And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of galilee, named Nazareth, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David and the virgin’s name was Mary. And the angel came into her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be. And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus." (Luke 1:26–31 KJV)

Now I know you may be thinking, What does this scripture about Mary the mother of Jesus have to do with us? Well, allow me to explain. I personally have taken this scripture and applied it to my life as a woman and a mother. Let me explain further. I became pregnant at age twelve and birthed my first child at age thirteen. This scripture was embedded into me as a child in Sunday school and Awana Bible Camp. I learned of the conception, pregnancy, and birth of our King, Jesus. And my spiritual leaders always taught on how favored Mary was among women and chosen by God to conceive Jesus and birth him into the world to save us; he was our savior. They taught us the important role as a woman and especially the role of a mother. The role of a mother is so sacred that not all women are chosen for this role, but only the ones that God has highly favored, because they found favor in his sight. I am not saying that only mothers find favor in God’s sight, because that is not true. But I am speaking to and talking about mothers at this time, not just women. Even in biblical times not all women were able to conceive a child, they called them barren women. Infertile.

Barren woman—not producing or incapable of producing offspring; sterile. Unproductive; unfruitful.

For behold, the days are coming when they will say, blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed! (Luke 23:29 KJV)

But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years. (Luke 1:7 KJV)

Now Sarai was barren; she had no child. (Genesis 11:30 KJV)

Even in biblical days, they had surrogate mothers