The Image

By Mike Kurtz

Mike Kurtz, a retired Christian police detective of thirty years, had embarked on a forty-year journey to understand why his mother, Kathy, murdered his father who was a St. Louis County police detective. Through the years, he began to understand how she also contributed to the death of his two little sisters, Lisa and Michelle.

Through years of research and conversations with his mother, Kathy, the truth was slowly revealed. Lies and deceit from his mother only encouraged him to be more inquisitive. It took forty years of soul-shaking talks and nightmares before the truth would finally make itself known. On his mother's deathbed, she finally admitted what Mike had already known.

This a true story about the betrayal and loss of a secure life that every child deserves. Times of happiness and adventure are described only to be overtaken by the well-planned murder of his father and the negligent death of his two sisters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685705732

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The Image

Mike Kurtz

ISBN 978-1-68570-572-5 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-68570-573-2 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Mike Kurtz

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Love and Security

Change

Shattered Image

The Plot

Death Follows

Living Darkness

The Final Betrayal

Hidden Truth

Transitions

Lost

Second Chance

Strange Things Along the Way

About the Author

This book is based on true events, written in hopes of bringing healing to those who have been wounded and betrayed. The first step to recovery is admitting that you do have pain and that the pain is real. What I hope you learn from this book is that you did not cause your pain nor did you deserve it. Above all, I pray you will find the healing that you so desperately deserve and that you learn to trust again.

To trust again means that you need to take the hand of someone who is reaching out to you. Learning to trust might involve some of the most painful, uneasy efforts you have experienced. If you strive for nothing, you will find nothing. Embrace the process of healing, and you will truly be well. Heal within yourself so the healthy version of you can come out. It might take years of consistent effort with many failures before you begin to trust again. Don't give up! At the end of your journey, you will be able to hold out your healing hand to someone else who is just beginning their healing process. You must first be willing to be carried, and eventually you will become the rock of stability for someone else who will need you.

Last but not least, trust in the Lord. Pray. Find a church and become part of it. A body of believers can be very instrumental in your healing. The Lord is not only big enough to understand your pain but yearns to carry you through it all.

Preface

As a young child, I always imagined what it would be like to be loved by a family. I even wanted to know how to love a family back. To do so would mean that the walls I had so carefully built around myself year after year would be weakened or even destroyed. I had so many hopes and dreams, all of which seemed to be some type of a cruel hoax.

I needed to know the meaning of love. When a child is born, the baby is entitled to receive the kind of love that brings and holds a family together. Somewhere, something went wrong. Love was not found. Could I ever have love? Was love real? Why couldn't I have the most basic of needs met? Since I never experienced a family kind of love, I built walls around myself in a vain effort to protect my emotions. I desperately needed to be wanted by someone.

People who have been deeply hurt tend to build walls around their emotions in an effort to protect the vulnerability they feel in order to feel safe. The walls that I had built were easily seen by people around me; however, I had no idea that the walls were there. It scared me to even think that I had hidden my most basic of emotions. I had to allow my walls to be torn down. To do so would mean I would have to become vulnerable. The walls I so carefully built gave me a false sense of security and so my journey began.

The despondency I grew so accustomed to led to years of panic attacks. I was ten years old and living in my first foster home. I woke up to get ready for school, and I did the usual things like brushing my teeth, showering, and combing my hair. I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was an old mirror with one of the corners missing and cracks all the way down on one side of it. I could hardly look at myself. Fear and panic overwhelmed me. My heart began to pound, and it felt as if I were going to pass out. I tried to rationalize away these feelings by telling myself that I was just tired.

I came home from school later that day and found myself looking at the image of myself in the bathroom mirror again. This time, the feelings of dread were unbearable, which led to years of avoiding mirrors at all costs.

When I did find myself looking at the reflection I found in the mirror, it would make me shudder all the way to the core of my being. Mirrors projected an image of my empty, hurting shell and reminded me that all of my family and security was gone. What happened to me? Did I cause this? Maybe I deserved the destitution of abandonment.

Life has taken me on a fifty-year struggle to understand that there is hope. I just had to allow myself to become vulnerable enough for healing to take place.

A special thanks to my foster parents, Cathy and Dave, along with my foster sisters, Celeste and Becky, for putting up with a broken foster child. You have given me a solid foundation to live life in a healthy manner. Without you, I could not have made it.

Another special thank you and bear hugs to my sister Cindy. She has stuck by my side through very turbulent waters that life threw at me. She saw me go from a broken young man, sprout into a confused Christian, and then finally land on my feet. She has been the silent rock in my life, always ready to catch me when I fall and help me back up. Cindy has even helped edit and guide me in the whole book-writing experience. She also wrote Mikey's Back which will be seen later in this book.

Teen Challenge was also a huge part of my life. Graduating the program gave me a sense of belonging and a newfound way to live a life with structure without the curse of drug addiction.

Lastly but not least, a special thanks to my wife Heather and my two children, Harley and Sabrina. In 2018, I was diagnosed with PTSD, some of which stemmed from what life dragged me through as a child and events that took place while working as a police officer for thirty years. My wife has instilled in me an unwavering faith. When the hypervigilance of PTSD brings me into a cyclone of panic and despondency, she always has a way of pulling me out of the muck. Sabrina has such a carefree and caring nature that I come to her for a safety net. She always understands. Sabrina also did some of the artwork that you will see later in the book. Harley is my gentle giant who has a very loving and analytical nature about him. As he becomes aware that I am going through a PTSD situation, he very gently reminds me that everything is okay and helps to guide me out of it.

Introduction

My name is Mike, and I have been employed as a police detective for the last thirty years. An officer is supposed to be confident and be the rock of stability in everyone's life. In my mind, I was living an illusion. Many things go into the makeup of a person and that is what haunted me. On one hand I had a great career, but a deeper look into my life would reveal a confused and hurting person. I had so many questions that needed an answer.

People around me seemed to be living a safe and secure life. They had jobs, nice homes, and great families. They appeared to be happy. The security I saw in them was an unshakable commitment to their friends and family with no deceit and that is what I seemed to lack.

As time went by, my life felt as if it were an empty shell or an outline of what might have been. People around me saw a successful police officer who