Better Living, Better Dying

By Lewis Tagliaferre

Better Living, Better Dying Reconciling Freedom and Surrender in Aging The aging baby boomer generation born from 1945 to 1965 poses a real challenge in aging services for themselves and their families. Many of them are not well prepared for the challenges coming their way. Neither are their children. Most people are so busy being human "doings" they have overlooked developing as human beings. You are never too old to begin the adult self-development lessons in this book, but it becomes more important during the second half of life. Maybe it is true that you cannot put young heads on old shoulders but perhaps you can put older heads on old shoulders. Eventually, freedom must transition to surrender as the inevitable changes during aging take over. It takes special resilience to walk through the final portal to whatever comes after, and these instructions help to pave the way. Each person must take the walk of life they are given, but if you begin with the end in mind the trip can be a grand adventure with a happier ending. This book is chock-full of information and instruction for lifelong self-care based on professional research and therapy compiled by an accomplished senior who also is an experienced researcher and writer. As such, the work is more practical and less theoretical, although it is based in many professional sources. Organized into lessons and homework assignments, it goes far beyond the usual content of most self-help books dealing with aging and mortality. They address needs of the whole person that you are: physical, spiritual, mental, emotional and social. With this lifelong self-development, you can feel better inside no matter what happens outside right up until the end. Now, who would not want that?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 17, 2019
• ISBN: 9781643498409

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Better Living, Better Dying

Chartres Labyrinth

Reconciling Freedom and Surrender in Aging

Lewis Tagliaferre

http://www.churchoftheofatalism.org/image.jpg

ISBN 978-1-64349-839-3 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64349-840-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2018 by Lewis Tagliaferre

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

If the discussion about aging in this book makes you feel scared and confused, that could be normal because all growth requires suffering. But if you feel panic and uncontrollable anxiety, please seek professional care immediately from a qualified counselor. Nothing in this work is intended to be a substitute for competent medical or mental health treatment.

Preface

About half of all Americans die by age eighty and most of the rest by age ninety. So, at my age of eighty-five, the number of future days I can anticipate on earth are much fewer than those that have passed. In our culture, the process of aging and dying has been privatized and commercialized, so it is scarcely evident until the needs of senior family members make it impossible to ignore any longer. It is possible to live into middle age before ever attending a family funeral. The late anthropologist Margaret Mead said we celebrate at weddings and we rejoice at births, but when people die, we pretend nothing happened. That does not make it any less significant. The issues facing older people still have not found a place among the public or private priorities in our culture or institutions commensurate with their impact on individuals. Moreover, we do not have social or cultural rituals marking the advent of aging, so it is housed in a wide gray area of life spanning many years. Many people remain in denial by keeping busy and avoiding contact with old people as much as possible until the shock of their own reality makes it impossible to avoid. Psychiatrist and professor emeritus, Irvin Yalom, wrote, facing our own mortality is like staring at the sun; it can only be observed through a dark filter in short squints. It seems to be a normal human defense mechanism to delay and avoid planning for the last years of life, but failing to plan is planning to fail. I cannot change human nature, but perhaps I can offer some ways to live so the final portal does not seem to be such a thing to be avoided at all costs.

It has been my lot to be a long-range planner, researcher, and writer. When I applied these skills to my own future after I retired, I found much to be worried about. I asked myself what I should know to help me get through the remaining time on earth, considering all the possible disability, humiliation, pain, expense, and emotional suffering it can bring. After researching for information to help me in this final transition, I was unable to find anything written for people in my situation looking for help navigating the final quadrant of life. There are many books exploring the sociology and psychology of aging and many describing the specific experiences of adults caring for their old parents, but I could not find anything speaking to me directly. Poet Robert Frost said it is hard to get into this world and hard to get out, and what lies in between makes no sense. I guess I am trying to make some sense out of it.

My experience in support groups with caregivers of mentally ill family members led me to write the companion book for this one titled Creating Serenity in Chaos – A Unique Course in Self-Care for Family Caregivers. I realized the roles of caregiver and care consumer actually are two sides of the same coin, and God never made any one-sided coins. So, the two books are back-to-back images of the same challenge, with this one being focused on issues and needs facing aging people who eventually must rely on family and professional caregivers. The roles are reversed when the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent. Then, we old folks must reconcile freedom and surrender as control of our lives slips away. Some people die suddenly and unexpectedly, so this work may not be very useful to them. But for those with slow protracted aging, it might be a lifesaver—pun intended. But its greatest value may be preparing those in midlife for the remainder of their journey through aging.

Considering there are more than seventy-five million baby boomers born from 1945 to 1965 now reaching their final years, it seems likely a lot of people could use this kind of help. The demographic shift to an older population will be so great that some analysts are calling it a silver tsunami. I began organizing my personal experience watching many relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors do it their way, working through various forms of therapy, and building a reference library of published material. I began to see how all this information could be organized and presented in a form that older people could read and apply to their individual situation. I have written this book for you and me, the aging population of our times. I don’t know when old age begins, so I hesitate to set any arbitrary age threshold for this work. You can define that redline for yourself when you look into a mirror and realize you are no longer young. However, the official line may be age forty since that is close to the meridian of life in America, where about half of the people die by age eighty and most of the rest by age ninety.

Psychiatrist C.G. Jung (1875–1961) said, There is the thing and the symbol of the thing. Everyone inevitably seems to walk the labyrinth of life they are given, so I chose that as the symbol of my writing. This ancient construct is different from a maze that poses challenges and dead ends. There is no way to go wrong in a labyrinth—one must go ahead one step at a time. I see it as depicting the pathway of life each of us is given. We leave the source in the center when spirit incarnates into flesh and traverse four quadrants of infant, child, youth, and adult to midlife when we reverse and return to the source through four quadrants of maturity, seniority, contemplation, and mortality. Along the way, we have some ups and downs, some failures and success, some joy and suffering, and we learn some lessons in life. This book contains some of the lessons I have learned, which are useful in aging on my walk of life that I want to share with others.

The cover graphic contains the labyrinth installed about 1200 AD in the cathedral of Chartres, France. The Rev. Lauren Artress wrote, Walking the labyrinth has reemerged today as a metaphor for the spiritual journey and a powerful tool for transformation. This walking meditation is an archetype, a mystical ritual found in many religious traditions. It reduces stress, quiets the mind, and opens the heart into the soul. Each step unites faith and action as travelers take one step at a time, living each moment in trust and willingness to follow the course set before them (Walking a Sacred Path, 2006). The labyrinth is divided into four quadrants, so I have organized this work into four corresponding parts. Those who can walk through a full-size labyrinth often report awareness of the divine essence that they really are. Some churches are providing that opportunity by creating a labyrinth in church yards large enough for walking. You can walk the labyrinth on the cover with a pencil, or you can buy one for finger walking at www.bwatsonstudios.com. I do it after every meal as an act of thankfulness and appreciation to the universe (www.veriditas.org).

I am not a professional scholar, so this work may not be academic enough for some readers, and it may be too academic for others. I have kept it short and condensed as possible without omitting essential information. I included a bibliography of books and online resources for further reading and learning. Also, I included brief instructions on organizing and conducting a support group for discussing and applying this information with family, aging friends, and neighbors.

Acknowledgments

I wish to thank Adam Mellot and the team at Christian Faith Publishing, who converted my amateur manuscript and basic ideas into a professional book. Thanks also to all the contributors who I was given as mentors and teachers, including those referenced as well as those inferred. Thanks also to the readers who will, hopefully, find some use for it in their aging lives. After all, what value is there in life if it is not shared. And, of course, I must thank God as the primary force in the universe that I think controls everything from atoms to galaxies. I am not the source, but merely the messenger.

Disclaimer: The work of preparation for issues in aging requires knowledge and skills that few are prepared for by education or experience. Many people are blindsided when they wake up to realize they have arrived at this stage of life. The American Psychological Association has identified a list of common problems that many families with older people face. Although the list includes issues of much concern which must be addressed, this book is not about solving all of these problems because they vary with the local situation. You may have other problems to add. Solutions to these issues are beyond the scope of this book and may require professional counseling. But to set the record straight, I am listing them so we can get on with the purpose of this work, which is how to walk through a labyrinth of aging. This book is about taking care of yourself physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and socially while navigating the labyrinth of life you are called to walk as an aging person.

If your situation becomes chronic, your family caregivers are at elevated risk for developing mental health disorders, so they should be screened for these conditions. In some situations, a full diagnostic evaluation is appropriate (e.g., a caregiver asking for treatment for depression or anxiety). Other caregivers seek assistance with the care demands or burdens but do not identify themselves as having mental-health problems. This latter group still should be screened to ensure that the elevated risks for mental disorder are appropriately considered (www.apa.org).

Challenges in Aging

Mental health concerns

Depression

Anxiety

Subclinical stress

High rates of guilt, sadness, dread, worry

Ambivalence about care

Witnessing the suffering of relatives

Health concerns

Fatigue

Sleep problems

Risk of illness, injury, mortality

Physical and Functional impairment

Secondary strains

Work—employment

Financial strains

Relationship stress

Loss of time for self-care

Reduced quality of life

Care decisions

Choosing time for various services

Residential placement

End of life care planning

Resources and eligibility for public services

Housing

Healthcare

Community services

Respite

Disability Insurance

Social Security Benefits

Family challenges

Conflict about care

Lack of support for caregiver

Balancing needs of healthy and sick family members

Behavioral issues

Interpersonal conflicts

Advocacy for care

Lack of cooperation by care recipient

Interface with service systems

Coordinating various providers

Legal assignment for care decisions

Introduction

When you were young, you dressed yourself and went wherever you pleased, but when you are old someone else will dress you and take you where you do not want to go (John 21:18).

(Note: I urge you to get a notebook and use it to write comments in your own words and journal your progress as you implement the skills and homework presented in each chapter. Yes, there is homework. This notebook is your private course in personal self-development and should be retained and worked throughout your life. Keeping a written journal is a proven way to process your walk on this labyrinth of life and to navigate through old age. Begin by making a list of the people you love who are there for you and briefly describe their situation in relation to you as best as you can. Then make another list of those people in your life who do not seem able or willing to contribute to your ultimate care. Give them up to the Lord and go on without them. Judge not that you may not be judged (Matthew 7:1). You should update the description from time to time as the situation changes and you learn more. Keep the notebook handy as you work through the course of self-development that follows. It is your personal, private diary of progress.)

I did not create this book from scratch. The material is based on contributions by professionals I discovered in reading and therapy who are referenced throughout in the text. I refer to therapy here as resources you can use for yourself and not necessarily as expensive and restricted treatments by a professional counselor. There are many approaches to what is called therapy as an intervention to help reduce personal distress or change behavioral issues, and new ones are being created all the time. Many resources are available to seniors who are experiencing issues in aging—the friendly support of friends, peers, family members, clergy, personal reading, healthy exercise, research, and independent coping—all present considerable value. Humans have been dealing with crises, navigating severe social problems and finding solutions to life problems long before the advent of psychotherapy—what is called resilience. Professional therapy is a useful treatment for those who can afford it and live near professional providers. If that is not possible, this book may be the next best thing. It is organized as a course in self-development presented in several lessons as a learning experience. The sources I employed include acceptance commitment therapy, schema therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy. These concepts will be explained so no need to fret about their meanings in the beginning. Just take one lesson at a time and it all will become clear in due course.

Part 1 begins with a discussion of personal needs I think everyone has that may be submerged many ways in our culture. We may be so occupied with taking care of others or making a living we forget about these needs. They may seem to be self-evident, but everyone needs to start from a common baseline, no matter how old you are. You may find some of them apply to your situation more than others. Concentrate on the discussions that are most helpful. My inspiration for this part comes from a comprehensive program for self-care developed by faculty of Stanford University titled, Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions (2012). The objective here is to remain healthy as long as you can before your freedom must transition into surrender.

Part 2 follows with a life inventory to establish how you got to be you and who you really are to determine the resources you bring to later life. It includes a discussion of how your personal history got you to where you are today, because you can only use and share what you have been given. This part focuses on family and environmental history, which are part of your subconscious makeup because, as with an iceberg, the top must go where the bottom takes it. Discussion of the influence of your environment is anchored in concepts of schema therapy. It then includes an explanation of the personality model developed by Swiss psychiatrist Carl G. Jung, MD (1875–1961) as implemented in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI©, CPP, Inc.). Everyone is driven by their differing gifts throughout life, and this model of personality has proven to be very durable since it was published in 1975. With this self-inventory, you will be equipped to understand and accept who you really are and what you bring to the challenges in your old age. It may also help to expose strengths and weaknesses in your makeup which present both assets and liabilities in aging. Then you can choose the aspects of your personal inventory that are worth retaining and what you want to discard.

Part 3 contains lessons which describe five different sets of skills and resources for developing necessary resilience to manage the various challenges encountered in life that may stress your personal serenity. They are sourced from acceptance commitment therapy (ACT), cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). (DBT is a registered trademark of Marsha M. Linehan.) This part of the work—yes, it is work—is based on developments in personal psychology that you would encounter in behavioral therapy sessions, which take several years and cost thousands of dollars if you were to engage in such professional treatment. This condensed summary is not intended to replace such treatment, but it can provide a good foundation for creation of serenity in the stress that so often defines aging in America. Some of the topics may fit your situation better than others, so you may concentrate on the lessons that are the most useful. They comprise a set of resilience skills that offer an improved lifestyle for you and those who must care for you.

Part 4 gets into the final quadrant of life and discusses the many challenges that most of us will face in the final stages of aging. You may not like what you read, and it may open some feelings you would like to avoid. But if you can work through this part, the reconciliation of freedom and surrender will help reduce the burdens and increase the benefits of old age. I promise. After working through the course, you can return to the lessons that are most useful when you may need them as things change. They represent a model of ideal human development which presents a lifelong process rather than a destination.

Finally, the closing summarizes the course of work and provides some encouragement to use this self-care for the rest of your life. Some additional highly recommended resources are listed in the bibliography and related online web sites. This is not a quick read and something to pass on or trash. It should be retained and become a resource for the rest of your life. It will reveal avenues for further investigation and learning. Some of it may be self-evident and some may be difficult to process if it exposes some painful awareness of your reality. You may need some grit and determination to make the most of it. Dr. Carl G. Jung, MD (1875–1961) wrote, Everything good is costly, and the development of [individuality] is one of the most costly. It is a matter of saying yes to oneself, of taking oneself as the most serious of tasks, of being conscious of everything one does, and keeping it constantly before one’s eyes in all its dubious aspects—truly a task that taxes us to the utmost (The Collected Works of C. G. Jung,

vol. 13, para. 24).

Part 1

Self-Development Needs

It is never too late to begin caring for your personal needs, but it becomes especially important after midlife. Often, people are so busy taking care of others they forget to put themselves first. Some people don’t even realize what they need. This may sound selfish, but as they instruct in airplanes, you must protect yourself first to be positioned to take care of others. So, I have described the main things people need to put first in their lives to be healthy enough to live a full life into old age. They include physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, social, and financial aspects of living in the modern world. They may be self-evident, but this part provides the baseline from which we can move on to other lessons in aging.

A. Physical Needs

Your body is the only one you will ever have, so it should be your priority in life to take care of