Set Free Through Christ Who Strengthens Me

By Amy Zillner

Have you ever wondered what it would take for a brainwashed, suicidal victim of a cult to be able to live a normal life? I know a little more than some about deliverance. Once I was told I was possessed by demons and a danger to all those around me. I stayed up many a night being "delivered," coughing up "demons." Told I didn't have enough faith or I was in love with the demon inside of me and I didn't want to let it go. I went to many a prayer meeting, but the "demons" wouldn't let go. Or so I thought. The demons were not what was inside of me; it was the company I kept who was around me. They piled lie upon lie upon lie in my mind. Why? I don't know. For manipulation, for control, for kicks, or maybe out of ignorance. It almost broke me. It took me to the edge of my sanity, and let me tell you, it's been a long way coming back. Have you ever been there? What darkness do you face? Are you on the edge of your sanity? Let me tell you there is a peace that belongs to those who belong to Christ. This book will show you how a life with Christ is the only way to be fully set free from the situation that you face. This book will shine the light of hope into your life. Set Free through Christ Who Strengthens Me is my journey from being a victim of a cult to living a full life with Christ. Come share the journey with me and see how Christ will be your strength when you are at your darkest hour.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098069179

Book preview

Jonah

The journey began with giving my heart to Christ, but in the beginning was the Word, and the Word that led to the mountains began with Jonah. I questioned what would it be like to spend every moment with God. I asked my future roommates if they would like to study the Bible every day together. We studied the Bible together for almost one hundred days straight. During our time together, there were things that were of God and things that were not of God. We began our study with Jonah.

This journey I embarked on was not one without baggage. I carried the baggage of my childhood, teen years, my twenties, and the beginning of my thirties with me. When I was fifteen years old, my brother Terry died in a car accident five days after his eighteenth birthday in September of 1995. The loss of my brother devastated my mother, father, younger sister, and myself. We grieved in silence for nine years until I was twenty-four years old and my parents got a divorce. My whole life, I had been very shy. By the age of twenty-four, I had graduated high school and even had an associate’s degree in liberal arts. I didn’t have much of a social life, nor did I have a job or a driver’s license. At the age of twenty-five, I had my first job and finally got a driver’s license. I also continued my education and got a bachelor’s degree in English. Before I moved to the mountains, I lived in my childhood home with my mother and sister.

I was thirty-two years old when I started doing a daily Bible study with Michelle and Jasmine. During this time together, I became completely healed of twenty-four years of grief. It was in September of 2013. I was a freelance reporter at that time and had to do an article on an event around the date of my brother’s birthday and passing. I remember telling the Lord, I don’t want to deal with this story right now, but I will, Lord. I attended the event, and after I was done interviewing everyone, I turned around, and someone I hadn’t seen in eighteen years was standing there. She was my brother’s best friend’s little sister. Seeing her brought peace to my heart. I said, Oh my God, you’re the reason I’m here. I felt such peace about my brother’s death.

The following morning was my brother’s birthday, and I went to the cemetery with my family. While there, the scripture, Let the dead bury the dead, kept repeating in my mind. I thought to myself, This isn’t right. I’m here with my grieving family at my brother’s grave. I can’t be thinking this. After the cemetery, I was sitting alone in my room, and two thoughts went through my mind. One was I’m ready to let Terry go. The other was, You can’t do that.

That night, I went to Bible study with Jasmine. We were studying Jonah, and I just started weeping. Jasmine said, What’s wrong? I couldn’t speak.

I wrote on a piece of paper, I’m ready.

She asked, Ready for what?

I wrote, To let go.

She asked, To let go of what?

and I wrote, Death.

At that moment, I felt that the Holy Spirit washed over me, and all the grief was released.

I don’t know why the Lord released me of my grief. All I can think was that I was ready and willing to finally let go. I had grieved every single day for my brother for fifteen years, and when I turned thirty, the grief slowly unraveled. However, it wasn’t until this moment that my grief for my brother washed away completely. I was not sure why I connected with Jonah so much during this time, but here’s a thought for you to consider.

A fish swallowed Jonah, and three days and three nights later he spoke:

Then Jonah prayed unto the Lord his God out of the fish’s belly,

And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice. (Jon. 2:1–2)

Jonah sat in silence for three days and nights before he relented and sought the Lord. So too often, we suffer in silence. We try to punish God, others, or ourselves. We suffer in silence, grieving over dead loved ones, sometimes believing that our suffering honors their memory. They loved us; wouldn’t they want us to live free of guilt and regret? Wouldn’t they want us to be free from the burden of the memory of their death? I know I would want freedom for my family as someone who was trapped in grief in silence for twenty-four long years. How long will we suffer in silence before we seek the Lord and give it to him?

Can I encourage you to let go of your grief, your despair, your hurt, your worry, your fear, your anger, your loss, and your justification? Child, you have a deathlike grip on these things. Do you not know that what you have a deathlike grip on will rule over you?

I’m not sure why I needed to be released of grief before I moved to the mountains. Perhaps it was a burden I could no longer bear. I remember going home that night and looking around my room; it was like living with a corpse. I was surrounded by death. I had movies, TV shows, music, and books that used death as entertainment. I even had a pool cue that had a grim reaper on it. Now I no longer actively seek death as entertainment. I share this beginning with you so that you might understand better the environment I felt I was escaping from by moving away. I believed I was escaping death; little did I know, I was headed straight for coming face-to-face with my mortality. I destroyed everything I had that used death as entertainment, for I did not want someone to be held in a vicelike grip through my belongings. I felt the need to throw away every bit of death I was holding on to, for it had been with me a very long time.

*****

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for your peace, Lord, on the hearts of those reading this who have lost a loved one. Please help them surrender all the hurt and pain to you, Lord. If they use death for entertainment as a way of escape from their grief, I pray that you would set them free from the grip they have on these things. I pray, Lord, that you would help them enjoy and seek life. Please wash over them with your Holy Spirit, and cleanse them of all their despair. Please help them cherish the good memories and let go of any guilt they may be holding on to. Help them know that their loved one’s death was not their fault. For you, Lord, have numbered the very hairs on our heads and you have given each of us an appointed time to die. Please help them, Lord, to know how precious and loved they are by you. Please bring peace to their hearts about all the unanswered questions. I thank you and praise you, Lord, for who you are. Help them seek your face, for those who seek you find you. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

When the Word of God Is Used Against You

In the beginning, it was clear things weren’t going well. I was not assimilating to Jasmine’s ways. Cooking and cleaning were a very big deal to Jasmine. We all agreed to cook meals for all three of us when we cooked. Jasmine was the one who cooked the most, whereas Michelle and I weren’t as good at cooking. I felt like a failure in these areas, unable to change and be like Jasmine.

Jasmine wanted her daughter to come visit as an escape from her troubles. She had two children and had just given birth to a baby girl. I admit that I did not want her daughter to come. I was a freelance reporter at that time and did my interviewing over the phone in the living room. There was very little furniture in the living room, and the sounds echoed, making it difficult to hear. Before her daughter came to visit, I was feeling restless but was not really sure why. One night after dinner, we read Psalm 107 out loud together, and I don’t remember why I felt so convicted by the words of the Psalm, but I did. I started crying. Each verse felt like a stab to my heart, an accusation from Jasmine to me. Michelle thought I was crying from relief, and I remember Jasmine saying, Tell her why you’re really crying. You don’t want my daughter to come, do you?

Here’s a verse from Psalm 107 that made me feel convicted, and I started weeping. I remember that Jasmine spat this verse at me as if to throw a dagger into my heart.

They that go down to the sea in ships that do business in great waters; They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wits’ end. (Ps. 107:23, 26–27)

It doesn’t make sense that I felt convicted because this Psalm is about God delivering the afflicted and those who cry out to him. I felt as though I was cast out to sea with nothing to save me. After reading the Psalm out loud, Jasmine then claimed that God showed her I was praying against her daughter coming. This didn’t make sense to me because I had been praying for her daughter for freedom from her situation. I was not praying against her. Since I believed Jasmine was a prophet of the Lord, I believed the Lord showed her my heart. I believed he showed her things about me that I did not even know myself. I believed that she could see my heart and even read my mind. I believed I was not safe from her knowing all my innermost thoughts and desires. How could I escape thoughts I didn’t even want to have if the Lord was going to show them to Jasmine?

The first night of her daughter’s visit, Jasmine was making dinner, and her grandson was in his high chair. I was in my room. I don’t know where Michelle was, and I heard Jasmine’s grandson screaming. Her grandson fell out of his high chair. Jasmine got so angry with us that we were not helping her that she burned with rage and yelled at us for not helping her, and we stood like little children being scolded by our mother. Michelle and I had come from households where we were only responsible for taking care of ourselves. Therefore, it would not have been a natural response to help without being asked. I felt like I was a horrible person and should’ve helped her even though she did not ask for help. This was the first time I saw how hot her rage really burned. She went into her room and would not speak to us. Jasmine was very controlling and angry.

During her daughter’s visit, Jasmine told me her daughter said she didn’t understand how I could be so full of hate. That she had never met someone as full of hate as I was. I had done nothing in my behavior that suggested that I hated her daughter. Nor did I hate her daughter. It was their belief that they knew me better than I knew myself that planted a seed, which caused me to behave in a way contrary to how I really felt.

Months after this incident, the seed that had been planted in my mind blossomed into me believing that I hated everyone. I even said during prayer one night that I hated everyone I knew. Jasmine used this to tell me that I should tell people that I hated them. If I did not, I would be a liar because if there was hate in my heart and I pretended that I did not hate someone, then I was lying. I began to tell friends and acquaintances that I hated them to please Jasmine.

When Jasmine used Psalm 107 against me, that was not from God. When someone uses the word of God to accuse you, they are using the word of God to manipulate you for their own purpose.

For the word of God is,

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: (2 Tim. 3:16)

God’s word is meant to draw us nearer to him, not push us away. God does use his word to convict us, but it is to instruct us in his ways.

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. (Heb. 4:12)

God will reveal to us where our hearts are at with him. God does this to cleanse us and heal us from unrighteousness. Jasmine was using God’s word to condemn and not to convict. She used God’s word to shame me into following her and not God. So much of what I went through was Jasmine bending me to her will by using shame and guilt. I was to behave in a way that pleased Jasmine, not necessarily a way that pleased the Lord.

Also, when Jasmine made me believe that the Lord showed her my heart, that was a lie. Consider this scripture from when Samuel was looking to anoint the next king of God’s people:

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (1 Sam. 16:7)

The Lord sees in a way that man does not see because man looks on our outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Jasmine could not see my heart. In no way could she see my heart. Maybe the lies of the enemy were coming to her in the guise of God’s voice. I do not know what motivated her. What I do know is my heart was not as corrupted as my roommates wanted me to believe.

Can you relate to any of this? Has someone used the word of God against you? Has someone claimed to know your heart and your intentions? Were those claims contrary to how you really felt in your own heart? Has someone tried to bend you to do his or her will? Have you been manipulated into believing the lies someone has said about you? Have you ever started to spiral into telling more and more lies or compromising your own heart to please someone who is controlling and manipulative? You are not alone, dear reader. It’s not your fault. Sometimes these behaviors are so subtle that we don’t even know that they are happening until it’s too late. We have a duty to our own hearts, our own well-being, and ourselves once we do realize what’s happening. We must remove ourselves from the situation if we can. God will lead us out of that manipulation and control. I encourage you to seek the Lord’s will for your life. Some of you are in relationships that are emotionally abusive. Seek the Lord to see if you should leave that relationship. Sometimes the Lord will work on our behalf in that relationship and make it better than it ever was. However, sometimes we need the courage to leave, and God can give you that courage.

*****

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for each and every person reading this book that you would release them from the manipulation of others. Lord, please saturate them with your truth and give them firm guidance on what to do next in their lives. Please help them seek your will for their lives. I pray for those who are currently in bondage to the lies that you would set them free, Lord. Please take the shackles and chains off their spirit and show them a way of life that would please you, Lord. God, please open their eyes to the manipulation that is going on in their lives and help them turn to you. Where your word is used against someone, I pray that the truth of your word would shine through. Help them understand the scripture and what you are saying to them, Lord, and not what man is saying. I pray for freedom from oppression for your people. Deliver them, Lord, from those who would spitefully use them. Please send true ministers of your word into their lives to encourage and refresh their spirit. I love you, Lord. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you that your word is not bound, Lord, and that you don’t call us to be in captivity but set us free. Thank you for freedom. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

The Power of Words

What drove me to the edge of my sanity wasn’t the actions of my roommates; it was what they said, coupled with the power of my belief in their words. I bought into it. Their words were far more crushing than their actions, but the words were united with very subtle actions. When I was trying to explain to someone about what happened to me, I told him my roommates drove me to the edge of my sanity, and he asked how did they do that? It got me thinking. How did they do that? How did I go from a sane person to literally out of my mind in a few short months of living with these women? How did that happen exactly? I’ve come to the conclusion that it happened mostly with the words that came out of their mouths. Specifically, it was mostly the words that came out of Jasmine’s mouth. Michelle was a victim, too, but she bought fully into Jasmine’s lies and started to follow her doctrine. Jasmine’s words were supposed to produce changes in me. The change of a different way of living by doing things her way, instead her demands, drove me insane. The words that fell on my ears and in my spirit far outweighed the actions. The actions helped drive the words home, but oh, those vicious words were what caused me to want to die.

Words like You’re selfish. You’re a liar. You haven’t given your heart to Christ. You hate people. You’ve been in the occult. You need to leave your family behind. Your mother is going to drag you down and you’ll never be free. You’re going to drag this out for years. You’re never going to change. I pray that you see Satan. You’re possessed by demons. I pray that the demons go back into you. You’re releasing demons into the house. You’re on a mission from Satan. You’re holding onto the past. God’s wrath is on those who rely on the love of Christ.

I want to encourage you, dear readers. If someone is speaking death into you, I implore you to walk away from that person. If someone is trying to turn you into someone you’re not, don’t let them. Walk away. It’s okay to turn away from those who would spitefully use you. You don’t have to listen to what someone says about you. Listen to what God’s word says about you. God himself formed you in your mother’s womb. You are precious. You are beloved. You are redeemed. He has called you by name, and you belong to him. Ponder these things in your heart and let God’s word and truth wash over you. I let words make me a victim. You don’t have to be a victim. You can change your situation by walking away or at the very least not taking to heart what someone is saying to you.

God’s word has quite a lot to say about how powerful our words are. Just think God used words to speak the world into existence. Also God sent the Word, Jesus Christ, to save us from our sins.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (Prov. 18:21)

Jasmine spoke death, and I ate the fruit of her words. Also, eating the fruit of death produced in me the desire to die. When I came back to my childhood home to live with my mother, I found a new church home. My new church family spoke life and love and peace and joy. I ate the fruit of the words of life, and every single day, I thank God for life. I am so grateful to be alive and to be recovered from all the death that was poured into me. My life is a testament to what the Lord can do with a seemingly impossible situation. My life is a testament to hope, to healing, to love, and to my Savior. I am a work in progress. However, I choose life, and I will eat of the words of life. Now the words of death fall on deaf ears.

God shows us even in his word how powerful words are. For instance, Paul and others were preaching the Gospel and a woman who was possessed with a spirit of divination followed them and said, These men are the servants of the most high God, which shew unto us the way of salvation (Acts 16:16–17).

And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour. (Acts 16:18)

However, there is a difference when we speak words without the authority of Jesus Christ. Our words can certainly have an effect on those we’re speaking to. Our words can hurt someone or encourage someone. The difference with Paul is that he spoke with the authority of Jesus Christ. He commanded the Spirit in the name of Jesus Christ and the Spirit came out. So often, we speak death into others when in the name of Jesus, we could speak life. Jesus has given us authority with our words, but we must remember where the authority comes from and whom we serve. We must be in God’s will to speak life; otherwise, our words are like vapor that disappear the moment they are spoken. Our words can also be like swords that pierce and cut the people we are speaking to.

We can do so much harm with our words, yet we very rarely take care with how we speak to others and even ourselves. I’ve spoken death into my own spirit by listening to the words of others. I’ve thought I was ugly and worthless based on what someone has said to me. I’ve tried to cater to the world’s expectations for my life. I’ve spoken death to myself based on someone else’s expectations believing I wasn’t good enough where I was at in my life. What about God’s expectations? His word says,

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. (Matt. 22:37, 39)

These verses explain what God expects of us. As far as loving our neighbor as ourselves, we must look to the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25–37). The neighbor in the parable is the one who showed mercy to the man who was almost dead. Therefore, if we are expected to treat our neighbors with mercy, then we are expected to show mercy to ourselves.

I encourage you to speak life into your situation and into your own spirit. Of course, we must lean on our Lord and Savior to be able to speak life into our lives. It is an absolute must to turn to Jesus. It is an absolute must to turn to God’s Word and read what he says about us. I have lived a life without God, and, yes, there were happy times; but the majority of the time, I was miserable. It wasn’t until I started going to my new church home that I began to get the concept of speaking life. I started going to this church in 2014, and it has taken me three years to start understanding what it means to speak life. I don’t always do a great job at this. For instance, when I used to think I was ugly, I would speak that into my spirit. Now I know I’m beautiful. Now I tell myself I’m amazing, and I believe it because I am. That’s speaking life. I just encourage you to consider your words and the power of what you speak. For there is someone very important listening to your words, yourself.

In the book of James, he speaks of what comes out of our mouths, and it’s so true what he says,

Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? (James 3:10–11)

A fountain of water does not send out both sweet and bitter water, so why should we speak both life and death with our mouths? James also talks about the tongue and how powerful the words that come from us are.

Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindelth! (James 3:5)

James is telling us that we can start a fire with the words that come out of our mouths. So often, we start conflicts and fights among ourselves with what we say. If we would but be silent or speak life instead of death and dissension, we would be able to love each other more deeply. Why not consider the very life of the person we are speaking to? Why not consider what would harm them and do our very best to set out to bless them instead of curse them? May God help us.

God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit help us. Jesus says so much in his Word and he wants us to know how to use his name with authority. There was a boy who was demon possessed, and Jesus’s disciples could not heal him. Jesus healed the child, and his disciples asked