ENIGMA - Excerpt from My Diary

By Terrie Adams

The intention of this short biography is to provide an insight about a period in my life when I started to walk the path of transexuality with no prior knowledge and experience in a society that is filled with taboos, intolerance, and discrimination. The discovery of my true self brought joy and idealistic expectations about the future of finally being me. When the path filled up with disappointments, hurts, and mockery, inner pain set in with a vengeance. To quiet the feelings, the emotions, I walked into the abyss of drugs, indiscriminate sex, and self-destruction.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781640823129

Book preview

Introduction

After reading Terrie’s manuscript, many thoughts came to mind, regarding the complexity of her transition of male to female, and the joys and troubles of the journey. From my point of view, as the mother of a transgender is one of the hardest transformation a person can go through in this day, and age of intolerance and contention over the established moral rules of our society.

When there is a physical deformity that everyone can see, it does not seem to create a problem, but a feeling of compassion, pity, or sadness. No disagreeable comments or making fun of the affected individual; when there is a disability brought on by an accident or caused by the chromosomes in the body, no one has anything to say but wonder on the future of the person afflicted.

When there is a change brought up by inner feelings, we are ready to pick rocks and throw them, lynching to be exact.

In reading through portions of Terrie’s diaries, I was filled with sadness and compassion as no one can see what occurs in the recesses of the human mind. Feelings and desires that can bring a person to the brink of insanity as a way to escape the existing confusion, and the surrounding cruelty attached to them.

In all her entries, even from childhood, there was a searching, sad soul trying to make sense of the physical world, its meaning and the interaction with the people and surroundings. There were concerns, inner inexplicable pains.

Who knows what creates this kind of drama in life: upbringing, mental, or physical illness? No one can give a reason for this kind of switch in the sexes; most religions will classify it a corruption, deviation, and mainly sin. Yet these individuals suffer insurmountable amount of pain, and inner turmoil before deciding to walk the walk. The hardest is the shame, instability, and guilt toward those closest to them.

Some individuals seem to adjust to their circumstances, making a mockery of themselves or creating an entertainment for others, and some function in regular places of business where they are treated as equals and not as lawbreakers or freaks. Yet there is a greater majority who have a desperate desire to belong as part of our society unsuccessfully living in the shadows of daily day life, only coming out at night to disguise who they really are, winding in the arms of drugs and alcohol to ease their inner pain; some go as far as having unprotected sex with strangers, like a secret death wish to end it all.

When the ignorant say that it was a choice, I tend to disagree, who in their right-mind will stand in front of an incoming train at full speed? Something out of human control is at work here in the most severe way. Call it what you want: sexual dysmorphia, karma, reincarnation, mental illness, whatever. The medical profession does not have an answer or cure. Due to the openness of communication, more cases and more stories of the past come to life to let us know that this is not a happening of our time: warriors, soldiers, journalists, doctors, athletes, spiritual guides, you name it you will find one female to male; male to female.

Terrie made notes in her diaries when she was able to. Due to certain circumstances some dates, follow-ups are missing; the truth of what had been her life is here, nude from the inside out; many times crying in despair for help while sinking deeper into the mire of lost souls. Trying to encourage herself each day as much as she could to face the challenges that lurked the streets. Hoping somehow for love, dignity, acceptance, family.

She continues to write, trying to build a better future within the murky path that she calls: my life.

—A tranny’s mom

Enigma

Something hard to explain or comprehend when it’s happening to you.

So it was with me. There was a thing inside that tore day and night without a reasonable explanation. What was it? Where did it come from and when? My body was not mine, it belonged to another being that was very uncomfortable, always crying inside my head: Let me out.

One day without warning it manifested itself: I am the woman living inside of you. It was unreal; I never consciously thought of such a thing and less for such a bizarre happening. Being a transexual? Man-woman? Once the realization came, the inner turmoil stopped, and I went for it.

The excerpts of the early years of the diaries will appear at the end from 1981–1986, when the diaries began to be written. Childish thoughts in which the world started to be about me, and my feelings, discoveries, while looking to adjust to the flow of life, and the people around me. Trying to define the emotions that came with every event. The only one that has information about me, prior to those years, is my mother, who could not understand some of my behavior patterns, and we landed in psychotherapy when I was only four. It’s up to you the reader, if you want to go there, reading about those moments, in the unforeseen case that you happen to have or know someone as withdrawn as I was.

Good luck!

Terrie’s Diaries:

1989–1994

November 1989

You wouldn’t believe the courage it took for me to go to Dr. Stratford’s office. Days before, I wasn’t the least scared. The fear struck the night before while going to bed. Restless sleep. When I woke up there was an awful pain in the pit of my stomach. It was as if a rat had inhabited my insides scratching away the lining. It got worse when I got up.

The doctor, though friendly, was very peculiar. His feminine airs were over the top—it would’ve made most gay men sick. Tara, my friend and mentor at the time, reminded me that as long as he accomplished what I wanted, the rest did not matter.

Today is the day, have to call this morning for the results of my blood test; then we are off to the races, and I can begin treatment this evening. The fear I have is the lack of knowledge about the whole procedure, not knowing how the hormones will affect me physically or emotionally. Though the fear lingers in the back of my head, my apprehension has been replaced with anticipation.

Two months ago in our STA meetings, a transexual named Diana had begun hormone therapy. Prior to it, she was a little stern, but kind, nonetheless. After the treatment, she became a real bitch—antagonistic and dictatorial. She walked around with a solemn look, and would languidly help the group put the chairs away as if she was weighed down by lead.

I expressed my fears to Tara about the treatment. She made me realize that we are all different individuals, and that everyone’s reaction to the chemical is different. Yet another transexual named Otis seemed to have a similar reaction as Diana. She looked terribly exhausted. I hope my reaction is different.

Following Day

Yesterday was my day to shine. After a brief discussion with the doctor, I was