A Mind Scarred, a Heart Damaged, a Spirit Broken: Poetry of the Macabre

By Ron Vernon

Residing in the small town in Nebraska for a little over a year now it has become a place where I call home. Diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, Major Depression, and Major Anxiety it has been a very hard and long struggle for me. Working with a therapist and psychiatrist and a support network of friends which have become a surrogate family for me; helping me to find faith and belief in myself. Still I do struggle with Self-harm among other issues. Within the pages of this book the words speak of my struggles, my ups and downs, my beliefsand lastlymy dreams. These words which lie within these pages do not just reflect upon me but upon the global community in one way or another. May you find understanding and reflection that you are not alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 31, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477152003

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Copyright © 2012 by Ron Vernon.

Library of Congress Control Number:            2012913690

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

AN INTRODUCTION

SELF-HARM QUESTIONAIRE

KARMA FROM THE GRAVE

OF LIFE, OF DEATH

TO HAVE AND HOLD

THE UNFORSEEABLE

FORGOTTEN AND FORSAKEN

HUNTRESS, DOMINATRIX

HAUNTED TURMOIL

ONE DROP AT A TIME

COUNTDOWN TO EXTINCTION

MY ROSE IN THE DISTANCE

DEATH OVER LIFE

MERCY

BATHED IN BLOOD

DEAD INSIDE

SLAVE TO THE QUEEN

BOW DOWN TO YOUR KING

SHEWOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING

DO YOU TAKE ME (THE WEDDING WISH)

THE END OF THE BEGINNING (THE BEGINNING OF THE END)

LONELY NIGHTS

SHIP OF DREAMS

SHADOWMAN

PANDAREK

BLEED ME DRY

THE RIGHT TO LIVE

STRANGER INSIDE

DESPERATE CRIES

YOU’RE IN MY NIGHTMARE (A TRIBUTE POEM TO FREDDY KRUEGER)

DISASTER

GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH

MOUNTAIN OF LOVE

TRUE LOVE

THE ONLY ONE THAT I LOVE

TEARS IN THE RAIN

CRAZY SNAKE

SOUL STEALER

SHATTERED TRUST

ENDLESS SUFFERING

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T

NO RESPONSIBILITY

THE FIVE BLADES

POINT OF NO RETURN

MYSTIC LANDS

REMEMBRANCES

A BITTER PILL

THE GOLDEN TEAR

THE DESCENT

CONCRETE ANGELS

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY, HOW

PUNISHER

FEELINGS

THE SCARRED MIND

THE HEART DAMAGED

THE BROKEN SPIRIT

SANCTUARY

SOARING WITH EAGLES

HIGHWAYS AND BI-WAYS

CRIMSON STREAMS

HOLIDAY HELL

DISASSOCIATION

SCREAMS IN MY DREAMS

INNOCENCE LOST

IMAGINARY WORLD

ISLE OF LOST HOPES AND DREAMS

TOOLS OF THE TRADE

CALM BEFORE THE STORM

WISHFUL THINKING

CRUELNESS DIVINE

THE MASK OF SORROW

NEVER FORGIVE/NEVER FORGET

THE QUEEN IS A VAMPIRE

DRESSED IN BLACK

FEAR CONSUMES

TAKING BACK THE POWER

IF WOMAN WAS I

CORNERED

BY CANDLELIGHT

LIAR

SUPPORT TEAM

DERAILED TRAIN OF THOUGHT

DEAR ME

THE BUCKET LIST

IF ONLY

JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND SCREAMS

WISH I COULD TRUST

ESSENTIALS

DEAD INSIDE PART 2

FINAL DESTINY

GODSEND

CONUNDRUM

PIECES OF HATE

GOODBYE/FAREWELL

NEW FAMILY COME TO STAY

STREAMS OF FREEDOM

THE CRIMSON TRAIL OF TEARS

I H8 U

KILLED BY LOVE

DEDICATION

I wish to sincerely bless with all my being Tim, JoAnn, Kristen, Sammy and Brandie for their belief and continued support during these times I’ve had. Without you, I don’t think I could have survived. I’d also like to dedicate this book to those who suffer from mental illness and the ever-continuing problematic addiction of self—harm. I’ve been there, still am, and I want you to know my tears are your tears. I also wish to thank the great Goddess and God for helping me through these darkest of hours and days. Blessed be to you all.

AN INTRODUCTION

For a grand many years, I lived in silence towards the abuse I endured. Always blaming myself for every little thing that went wrong and telling myself This is what you deserve. Keeping it secret for the many years I did finally took its toll upon me. A sort of breaking point one might suggest. I refer to my abusers as Queens. Why??? It’s simple . . . I was the loyal servant, the obedient dog, the chained slave. I could never do anything good enough. I was the butt of most jokes. And still for all those years of torment I accepted it.

The types of abuse I have endured are many; physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual. And keeping it a secret from everyone for so long finally took its toll upon my body . . . mentally and physically. I have been hospitalized and been to the ER many, many times since 2008. And it varied from severe anxiety attacks, kidney stones, self-harm and suicide attempts.

I have now been going to therapy twice weekly and take a plethora of medications on a daily basis. My diagnosis’s are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Major Depression, Moderate Agoraphobia, Major Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder.

I have found that writing helps a lot. It is a wonderful distraction technique. My writing has been published in compilation books 3 times and I have awards acknowledging my talents as a writer.

It has now gone on almost a year and a half to where I have not allowed myself to get into any kind of relationship with a female. Don’t take it wrong. I still look and talk platonically to them but I am very much afraid of them. I do not allow them to touch me out of extreme fear. I do not hate females . . . I AM SCARED OF THEM. There are only 4 females whom I allow to have contact with me and that contact is minimal. However I have known these 4 females for almost 7 years and around them they make me feel like family.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship or are a child who is enduring such hardship know there are people you can contact.

1. Police

2. Teacher

3. Relative

4. Preacher

5. 1-800-DON’T CUT

6. Abuse helpline 1-888-743-5754

7. Adult abuse hotline [phone]

8. Help line 1-866-615-6464

9. Suicide lifeline 1-800-784-2433

10. Suicide prevention 1-800-273-8255

11. Your local crisis center

Self-harm is not a cry for attention, but a cry for help. Knowing someone is self-harming themselves can be very scary for that person, and in the end don’t know how to react. Research and learn the dos and don’ts of assisting the person who self-harms. Please note that self-harm is not an attempt at suicide, although on rare occasions a self-harmer goes too far, rather it is a coping mechanism. Help can be found through therapy, DBT & CBT therapies and EMDR. If you are considering self-harm . . . I implore you to not start. It can and does most times lead to a terrible addiction which is extremely hard to break. It will change your life for the worse . . . forever.

SELF-HARM QUESTIONAIRE

As a self-harmer/self-injurer below is a set of questions to help you get insight as to why you do so. Take time to answer these questions and share them with someone you trust. That person could be your parents, teacher, preacher, doctor, therapist or even your closest friend. The important thing to remember is this is your answers and in this you may find ways to help find better ways to release your emotions.

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

For so many, many years I have felt the stinging, destructive-natured pain at another’s hand, almost always being ridiculed and made fun of, name calling, butt of jokes; I feel as though I am now in control of something for the first time in a long time. At times, many they are, the thoughts in my head are so overwhelming I need them to be quieted and when I cut or burn myself it shushes them for a while, bringing about to me a sense of peace. Sometimes, I feel like I am emotionally dead inside, a sense of numbness, and it helps me to know I am still alive. It’s also a way to punish myself for feeling like I am a failure or stupid. And all too often I find myself consumed with these feelings. Anger, I have learned and taught myself is bad and so if I feel I should begin to feel angry I cut because it is wrong for me to show anger.

What has brought me to this point?

Extreme abuse (physical, verbal, psychological, sexually molested growing up), surviving a marriage that was blessed in Hell for 15yrs. The only reason I never left sooner was because of my kids, but it came to the point of I either leave or I was going to commit suicide because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was raped forcefully from November 2010—January 2011 by what I thought was a fresh start relationship. Boy was I ever wrong. I live with the feeling and belief that I am inferior to females and ever since I was raped repeatedly by one, I no longer even view myself as a man. I have a saying which I tell myself quite often, "I am not a man, nor am I beast; I am the nothing that lies in-between.

2. Have I been here before?

Yes . . . in my teens. Sort of like deja-vu all over again for me.

What did I do to deal with it?

My coping skills at the time where cutting, many suicide attempts, drinking, and drug use.

How did I feel then?

Like a loser, a freak, a loner, angry, scared, hurt, terrified, a failure, worthless, stupid.

3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?

I do go to therapy and psychiatry appointments, take a plethora of medications, SH/SI (A LOT), listen to various kinds of music: classical, heavy metal, rock, gothic metal, my favorites are Shinedown, Evanescence, Plumb, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Linkin Park, Elegeion, Green Day, Metallica and Helloween. I also write in my journal, write song lyrics and poetry, draw (which I am not that good at), color, arts and crafts, and play video games.

What else can I do that won’t hurt me?

At this current time in my life I really don’t know.

4. How do I feel right now?

Worthless, a failure, like I can’t do anything right, terrified, paranoid, guarded, confused, betrayed, disgust, revulsion, shame, inferior, embarrassment, stupid.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Sometimes I feel angry with myself, and others I feel hurt, empty, numb, scared, shame.

6. How will I feel after hurting myself?

Relief, my anxiety starts to come down some, somewhat calm.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I don’t ever care about tomorrow . . . just getting through the day is enough . . . you could say that I instilled the practice from Alcoholics Anonymous, which I am not a member, to just live my day one day at a time, but if you’re meaning about the SH then I would have to say it’s a split between embarrassed, shame and a, I don’t care what I’ve done to myself attitude.

7.