The Road That Brought Me Here: My Journey to Redemption, Deliverance, and Love

By Jacqueline Dye

The Road that Brought Me Here is a wonderful story of a journey to love. It will make you laugh and cry. It will make you angry, and it will encourage you in your own life struggles. But through the emotional ups and downs, one thing is for sure: you will finish knowing without a doubt, that you too can be redeemed, delivered, and loved! About the Author Jacqueline Dye is a licensed minister and a gifted teacher. She has been passionately teaching and working with youth and young adults for over 12 years and possesses the unique ability to break down biblical truths about spirits that plague our young people today. Jacqueline shares revelatory wisdom to empower her audience to overcome the attacks of the enemy. God has truly given her a heart for the youth. Her deepest desire is for young people to be set free and delivered out of the hands of the enemy, and walking in the divine plan and purpose that God has for their lives. She has committed her life to doing all that God has ordained her to do to bring this vision to pass. Jacqueline is a wife, and a mother of three boys, and she is currently serving as a leader at Go Hard For Christ Youth Ministry, Prayer Minister for Bill Winston Ministries Prayer call Center, and VP/CEO of Generation Next Empowerment, a youth program and transitional house she established with her husband. She is a faithful member of Living Word Christian Center in Forest Park, IL, and resides with her family in the Chicagoland area.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 9, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098031121

Book preview

Chapter One

Where do I start? When my child died? When I was molested? Or maybe when I was raped? Let’s just start from the beginning.

Life in the Sparkman/Pete household was interesting. I was raised in a middle-class family in a condominium on the north side of Chicago, Illinois. I lived with my mom, brother, sister, and stepfather, who I considered my father since my mom met him when I was very young. For as far back as I can remember, he was there in my life. I never knew my real father but thought about him sometimes… I was born in Detroit, Michigan; I was told by mom that we moved to Chicago from Detroit when I was two years old. I think she moved to get away from my dad, but she says she moved up here with my grandmother (the apple of my eye, you will hear more about her in a few). Apparently, we lived near the west side of Chicago when we first moved here, but the earliest memory I have is of my beloved north side. Although I love my home and where I lived, there were times, more often than not, that I wished I had lived somewhere else all because of my stepdad.

My dad was very strict and very overprotective. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was very verbally abusive. He yelled and cursed a lot, and on top of that, he made us clean A LOT. Now I’m not talking about normal chores, like the ones we give our kids today: take out the trash, clean your room, or wash the dishes. I mean, we did that too; however, I’m talking about backbreaking labor. He worked as a maintenance man/janitor at a building on Addison Street. Every weekend, we had to go with him, and he made us clean—vacuuming the lobby and the staircases leading to the apartments, wiping down the banisters on the staircases, sweeping the back porches, and if anyone moved out, we would clean the apartment. We would be there at least four hours minimum every Saturday. The worst part of it all was having him standing over us yelling about how we were doing it wrong. For the life of me, I could never understand why he made us do it or why my mother never said anything to him about the way he treated us, but that was life. This went on throughout our young teen and teenage years. My brother got fed up with the abuse and moved to live with my grandmother. I don’t think it was just the cleaning that made living so bad; it was the yelling. We did have an escape, though; we spent the weekends and summers at our Grandmother Freddie Bee’s house on the south side of Chicago.

I loved my grandmother. She was loved by all her children and grandchildren, which was funny because she was quick to tell you off and curse you out, but somehow, it was endearing, you could tell it was done out of love. Some of my best memories came from spending time at my grandmother’s house—the freedom to go outside and play, as long as I was back on that porch before the streetlights came on, going to church every Sunday, watching and helping her cook and bake cakes; my grandmother made the best cakes. But you better not get caught running in the house while there was one in the oven, or you were in big trouble. Yeah, days at my grandmother’s house were the best, until that night when they weren’t.

There were a lot of people over at my grandmother’s house all the time—cousins, aunts, and uncles. Most of the cousins lived there, and at times, so did the aunts and uncles. Finding somewhere to sleep was always an adventure. One night, my sister, one of my cousins, and myself decided to sleep in my uncle’s bed. My uncle was not home, so we figured it was okay. After we played around for a while, we decided to go to sleep. Just as I was drifting off, I was awakened by someone touching me; it was my uncle. He had come home. Suddenly, I became very aware of the fact that this was not right. Lying on my side, I could feel him trying to pull down my underwear. Once he got them down, I then felt something that was too big to be a finger, sliding back and forth in between my legs, and I was terrified but not enough to scream or even make a sound. I kept hearing him whisper, Put it in. I pretended to be asleep and didn’t move or say a word. Eventually, he gave up and turned over and went to sleep. I was only twelve years old at the time.

A few nights later, I was lying on some blankets in the basement floor with my sister and cousins (because I had vowed never to set foot in that room again), and I overheard a conversation he and one of my aunts were having. They were talking about us, the children, saying how grown and fast we were. Then my uncle said, Especially Jackie. She’s the worst out of all them. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! He was the one who tried to take my innocence away, and in a way, he succeeded, and that was the day I never looked at going to Grandma’s house the same anymore.

Back at home, once summer was over, it was life as usual. I never told anyone what had happened to me that summer; I guess I was ashamed. I felt as if in some way, it was my fault and I was responsible for his actions. If I had known then what I know now, that I was a victim that did not ask for or deserve, in any way, what he did, I probably would have spoken up. I later found out that he also molested my sister and cousins, so maybe I should have spoken up…

I don’t know if what I experienced at my grandmother’s house caused me to view things differently or what, but the living situation at home did not feel so bad anymore. My mom would take us places often, almost every weekend. We would go to Lincoln Park Zoo and downtown Chicago mostly; it was a great way to escape my dad’s temper. However, we were adolescents, and we really just wanted to spend time with our friends. I remember my friends teasing me because I could never go anywhere and do anything with them. My dad’s reasoning was because I would go out and get pregnant. So we stayed in the house for the most part. Before my brother left, my dad would allow him to take us outside, but we had to stay close, either the park or the lake. We would often see our dad driving by to make sure we were where we said we were. I can see how my dad thought this would work and keep us out of trouble and away from the wrong crowds; however, it really just pushed us, especially me, right into it.

Chapter Two

I went through grammar school fighting a lot. I’m not sure why, but if anyone said anything to me that I did not like, the cuffs were going up, and the fists were coming out. My mom had to come to the school almost every day. So when I got into high school, I decided that this was the perfect time to put away childish things and grow up. I pretty much stayed to myself for the most part. I still had my friend, Kendra, from grammar school that I would hang with. She had a friend, Ebony, who joined us. It was just us three. Things were good—new school and a new friend. The best thing about it was that the school was farther from the house, so there was a little more freedom, and I was a little older, so my dad loosened the reins just a bit.

Now every high school is pretty much structured the same way. There are the cool kids, and then there are the not so cool kids. You know, the cool ones were the ones everyone liked, the ones everyone wanted to be friends with, or wanted to be like, and the ones everybody imitated. They were the ones who set all the trends. I would love to say that I was one of them, but sadly, I was not. However, there is a silver lining, Kendra and Ebony were, and since I hung out with them, I was like the gentiles in the Old Testament, grafted in. The only reason the other kids would hang out with me, sit with me, or even talk to me was because I was with Kendra and Ebony, but I was okay with that. It was either that or having no friends at all, so I chose to be The DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend: a movie made in 2015) as long as I didn’t have to be by myself.

If you have not figured it out by now, I had self-esteem issues in high school and actually throughout my young adult life. It came from a combination of things, but not having the latest clothes and being overweight were the main triggers. I can’t even remember when it developed; I just know it was very prevalent and it was very much a part of my identity. So I needed the friendship of Kendra and Ebony because it was what kept me both in the limelight and hidden at the same time. As long as I was with them, I was A okay! So you can only imagine how devastating it was to me when they turned their backs on me, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself…

For the most part, high school was where young people begin to date and form romantic relationships, and this was very true for Kendra and Ebony. They both had boyfriends and were so in love, and I was happy for them. It hardly interfered with the time we spent together, especially since we only spent time together at school, because my dad was still strict about letting me go anywhere but school even though I was now a sophomore. He would let me go to Kendra’s house sometimes, but I think that was only because both my parents knew her from our grammar school and she lived down the street from us. Kendra and Ebony spent most of their time after school with their boyfriends. During school, it was still the three amigas. Their boyfriends were around at lunch and at their lockers, hugging and kissing them, carrying their books, and whispering things in their ears. I envied them. I wanted someone too. The desire to have a boyfriend, to be in love, grew stronger and stronger in me every day. It had gotten to the point that I would be with anyone, just to be with someone. One day, that someone showed up…

Evan Mann, he was a junior, and he was on the basketball team. He noticed me walking down the hall one day and called out to me. Now Evan was not the most attractive boy I had seen, and I really didn’t like him much. However, he was a boy that was interested in me, so I took what I could get and ran with it. We started dating, and by dating, I mean hanging out at school. He would walk me to my locker and classes, carry my books, and eat with us at lunch. He did all the things that Kendra’s and Ebony’s boyfriends did, and finally, I didn’t feel so left out anymore. I would do anything to maintain this feeling of being accepted and wanted, and I almost did just that—ANYTHING.

There was this organization at school called the Service Guides. It was a program kids could sign up for to help with after school events; like parent-teacher conferences, concerts, and plays. Kendra was a part of it, and had the great idea that I should join as well because it would be the perfect opportunity for me to get extra time out of the house. So I asked my parents, and surprisingly, my father said yes. I was ecstatic; this gave me the freedom I needed to hang out with my friends and to hang out with Evan. Since the Service Guides worked after school events, I didn’t have to go right home after school. What my parents did not know was that we had two to three free hours before we had to be at the school to prep for events. So during this time, I could do whatever I wanted.

One day, Evan decided that we should spend this time together, and I was in agreement, so we left school and started walking. I asked him where he wanted to go, he said his house. I agreed and off we went. Walking, I could remember how happy I was about the opportunity to spend some time with him. We walked, held hands, and talked all the way there. When we got there, we went into his room and watched a little television and began to make out; it was nice. He stopped and said hold on a minute. He turned the television off and turned the radio on. Then we continued to make out. He started to take off his clothes and went to raise up my skirt. I wanted to stop him, but in my mind, I thought, well, Kendra and Ebony were not virgins anymore, they both were having sex with their boyfriends, so I should too. So I let him take off my underwear and lay me on the floor. He climbed on top of me and tried to insert, but it didn’t work. He tried again, still didn’t work, and it was beginning to hurt. As R Kelly’s It Feels Like You’re Ready played on the radio, all I could think about was how not ready I was. Actually, I was scared, so scared that my body began to shake, and a tear rolled down my face, but Evan either didn’t realize it or didn’t care; he just kept trying and trying until we heard the door open. It was his mother, and boy was I glad. I jumped up, put my panties on and pulled my skirt down, and sat on the bed and pretended to watch the television that Evan had quickly turned back on. About ten minutes passed, and I left. As I walked back to school, all I could think about was how Evan didn’t even notice or care that I was shaking and crying. I knew in my heart that I did not want to be with him anymore, but I did not want to go back to being the fifth wheel either, so I decided that I would have to stay with him.

As I walked back to school, I saw Corey Scott. Corey was a junior at the school, and we had passed each other in the hall all the time. We also had Spanish together. We would talk, in passing and in class. I never thought anything of it, but for some reason, I felt guilty about him seeing me coming from Evan’s house. When I stopped to talk to him, I fumbled over my words, trying to explain to him where I was coming from. He looked at me and smiled and said, It’s cool as long as you weren’t doing anything that we can’t do. A smile spread across my face, but I had to play it cool. So I said no, turned, and walked back to the school leaping for joy on the inside. I couldn’t believe it, a guy that I liked actually liked me back, and it was amazing. I never would have approached him, out of fear of rejection, but he opened the door, he approached me, and now I could end things with Evan.

Chapter Three

Things with Corey were different than things with Evan. With Corey, we really didn’t spend much time together in school, we didn’t eat together at lunch, and he didn’t carry my books or walk me to my classes, with the exception of Spanish class because we were in that class together. It seemed to be the same relationship we had before that day on the street, during school hours, but after school, we were together as much as possible. The Service Guides gave me a lot more freedom, and I had gotten a job as well. I worked for Wendy’s restaurant near my mom’s job, which was quite far from home. Surprisingly, my dad was not against me working after school as long as I was contributing to the house; he gave me the light bill. My mom was okay with it as well as long as I kept my grades up. Between Service Guides and work, I was almost never at home after school anymore, and with both of them starting two to three hours after school was over, I had more time to spend with Corey. Most of the time, we just hung out, rode around in his car, sat at his house, and watched TV. He would drop me off at work most days. We had a lot of fun together, I remember the time he tried to teach me to drive and we were pulled over by the Lincolnwood Mall Police. It was the most terrifying yet exciting day of my life. Because I had been sheltered all my life, things like that excited me. I also remember a time he offered me weed and I choked and couldn’t breathe. That too I found fun. It could have been the lack of experiencing anything outside of my home life that caused me not to see bad things as bad, but at that time, I was having a blast.

When we hung out, we made out too, but never at school, and I was okay with that. It was a great relationship, and I was enjoying being with him; it was easy. I didn’t feel like I was competing to be like Kendra and Ebony anymore, I was just enjoying life in the moment with Corey, and it felt good. Kendra and Ebony could see the change in me, they knew it was a guy, but I would not tell them who. Corey had decided that we would just keep our friendship between us. So I did.

Things went on pretty much the same for weeks; we hung out and had fun together. One day, instead of watching television in the living room, Corey took me into his room, and we sat on the bed and made out. It was nice; he was always so gentle with me. He laid me down and began undressing me and himself. I knew where it was going, and in my mind and heart, I was okay with it. However, I guess my subconscious was not because as soon as I felt him trying to get things started, I started shaking and tearing up just like I did with Evan. Corey immediately noticed and stopped and said, Are you okay? We don’t have to do this. Just then, I felt at ease. I don’t know if it was the fact that he actually noticed or that fact that he actually cared enough to stop and comfort me, but a smile spread across my face, my body stopped shaking, and the tears dried up, and I gently said, No, it’s okay. I want to.

The next day, I couldn’t wait to get to school to tell my girls what had happened. They had always teased me about still being a virgin. They kept asking me what was I waiting for and reminding me that I was the last one in our group who had not had sex. When I got to our lockers, I was smiling from ear to ear, and they knew something was up. Kendra was the first to inquire. I eagerly blurted out, It happened. They knew exactly what it was and immediately started bombarding me with questions of who, how, and when. I remembered what Corey had said about keeping our friendship between us, but I had to tell them, so I did. As soon as I said Corey Scott, Ebony said, That chubby boy in your Spanish class? I felt really bad, I knew Corey was a little chubby, but I thought he was cute. The fact that she said that really upset me, and I went from being ecstatic to really, really sad and disappointed that she felt that way about him. I don’t know why I needed her approval, but I wanted it.

Kendra chimed in and said, He cute. That made me feel better, and I perked up a little and began to tell her all the details. I then told them to make sure they didn’t tell anyone.

Things between Corey and I continued to be the same, only now when we hung out, we had sex. We didn’t do it every time we hung out, we still watched television some days and drove around in his car. He also continued taking me to work. I really was enjoying the time we spent together, and I remember thinking, This is what it must feel like to have a boyfriend. The more time we spent together, the closer I felt to him. I just knew this was developing into something, at least that’s what I thought.

One day, Kendra, Ebony, and I were walking in the halls. I was on my way to Corey’s locker so that we could walk to Spanish together, and they were on their way to class. When we got close to his locker, I saw Althena leaning up against the locker next to his, smiling and talking. Althena was a junior, I saw her around the school, and I had seen him speak to her before in passing, and that never bothered me. Ebony asked, Who is that girl all in your man’s face? When I heard that, I got enraged. I stormed up to the locker, stood in between the two of them, and said, Are you ready to go? He told her he would talk to her later, I turned and rolled my eyes at her, and then we walked away. On the way to class, Corey questioned me about what had just happened, and that made me angrier. Why was he questioning me, he was the one all up in some girl’s face. I didn’t answer his question. Instead, I asked him, Do you like her? Why was she there? Do you want to be with her? He responded much calmer than I had asked the questions and said that they were just talking. I said nothing after that, and neither did he; we just walked to class in silence. In class, once I had had the chance to calm down, I turned around to him to try to joke and goof around with him like we always did in class, but he just looked at me. I couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes, but I didn’t like it at all.

I did not have to work that night, and there was no Service Guide event, so I went straight home, and all I could think about was what happened between us. What if I had just ruined us? What if I just messed things up between us? What if I lose him? I can’t lose him." As those thoughts ran through my head, I began to feel really sad. I had never acted that way before. I had seen him talking to girls before, and after all, we were just friends. I wondered if Ebony and Kendra had not been there or if Ebony hadn’t said what she said, maybe I wouldn’t have acted that way. In the moment, I felt like I had to do something. What would my friends have said if I would have just walked off and left the issue unaddressed? All that didn’t matter now, all I knew was that I had to fix this; I had to do something to make this better. I tried calling him, but there was no answer. I tried again, no answer, again, nothing. On the fourth and fifth try, his brother Clay answered and said that he was not there and did not know when he would be back.

I felt sick to my stomach. How did I let this happen? This couldn’t be the end of us, was all that I could say to myself. So then I did the only thing I knew to do: I put pen to paper and began to write. I had always been better expressing myself through words than verbally, so I began. I apologized for my outburst and anger. Then I began to explain to him how I really didn’t mean it and how I didn’t know why I acted that way. I told him how much I enjoyed being with him and how I hoped that the incident did not ruin our friendship. Then I ended the letter with, I just want to be with you, I love you.

The next day, I didn’t go by his locker, I went straight to class and waited anxiously for him to arrive. When he did, he spoke to me in a friendly, calm way, but nothing like he used to. I didn’t hesitate, I gave him the letter. I knew after he had read it, he would forgive me and all would go back to normal. Instead, he read it and said he would respond tomorrow. We spent the rest of the class in silence, which was the longest class ever. I remember watching the clock, tick, tick, tick. As soon as the bell rang, I jumped up out of my seat and practically ran straight out of the door. Needless to say, he didn’t take me to work that day, and we didn’t speak at all that night. I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I was not ready to lose him.

The next day was a blur. I went from class to class in a stupor. I barely ate lunch; all I could think about was his response. When Spanish class came, I was the first one there. I waited and waited in anticipation. When he got there, he handed me a letter, and I almost tore it trying to open it. I began to read it. I felt joy rise up in me. He talked about how he enjoyed spending time with me too and how we were great friends and could always be friends. He said he understood what happened and why I acted the way I did. He ended the letter with, I love you too. I was ecstatic! My foolishness had not ruined us, and we were okay, and everything could go back to normal. I was so overjoyed by the letter; I was completely unaware of his behavior. He was not his silly, goofy self that day; he was quiet, almost sad.

Later that night since I didn’t have to work, I called him, and I was still unable to reach him, and by this point, his brother Clay sounded pretty annoyed with me calling, so I stopped. The next day, I went to his locker so that we could walk to class, and we did. We got there early, which was good because I wanted to talk to him. Little did I know, he wanted to talk to me as well. First, I thanked him for forgiving me for the way I acted, and I thanked him for the letter and told him that I loved him too. He stopped me and said that when he said he loved me, he meant like friends. He said that he was not in love with me. He also went on to say that he understood why I did what I did. It was because I was jealous, but he couldn’t understand why I would be because we were just friends. The next words he said were worse than all the others. He had said, I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to keep hanging out anymore. You want a relationship, and I don’t. Those words were like a dagger to my chest. I literally felt a sharp pain in my heart, and it took all that was in me to hold back tears. I tried to explain to him that I could just be friends and that nothing like this would ever happen again, but he was finished with me, he had made his decision.

I spent the whole class in a daze. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. Then I began to think, think back over the past days and all the details. I went back to where everything started, where it all began, and it didn’t start with me blowing up at Corey or with me cutting in front of Althena. It started with the words that Ebony spoke. When I first saw Althena there, it didn’t bother me, it wasn’t until Ebony spoke that I felt I needed to do something. So I came to the conclusion that if Ebony had minded her own business and kept her mouth closed, none of this would have happened between Corey and I, and we would have still been together. So now my sadness had turned to bitterness. It was all Ebony’s fault.

Normally after Spanish class, I would return to my locker and meet up with the girls, and we would head to our next class. Today, however, I was going to meet up with them, but it would not be friendly or cordial. I planned on going off on Ebony for what she did. I was going to tell her all about how it was her fault Corey broke up with me and if she had just minded her own business none of this would have ever happened. I had it all planned out in my mind, everything that I was going to say and how I was going to say it. As I walked, I began to hear other thoughts, thoughts that reminded me of how much I needed Ebony’s friendship. She was one of the coolest girls in the school. If I went off on her, in front of everybody, I would have no friends at all. The only reason people hung out with me anyway was because of her and Kendra. Then again, her words did cause me to lose the one person in my life who actually liked me and cared for me. The closer I got to my locker, the more I weighed my options. By the time I got there, I knew exactly what I was going to do, and I did just that. I opened my locker, grabbed my books, closed the locker, looked at Ebony, turned, and walked away. Kendra ran behind me, followed by Ebony, and they were asking me questions, wanting to know why I was so upset. Boy did I want to tell them the truth, but instead, I just said, Corey and I broke up. That was all I said to them for the rest of the day. I couldn’t wait for the last bell to ring so I could get out of that place. That had officially been the worst day of my life. I held on to that bitterness against Ebony for a couple of days, but I never verbalized it. She and Kendra just thought I was upset about the breakup. Truthfully, I couldn’t hate her forever because I needed her friendship, so by the time the weekend was over, I had let go of the bitterness and was back to sadness. I still couldn’t believe I was alone again. The school year was winding down, and I was back to where I started—alone. If I would’ve known then what I know now, that my behavior should not be directly connected to anyone else’s words or actions. Maybe things would have been a little different for me that year. Who’s to say?

Chapter Four

I spent the rest of my sophomore year in depression over losing Corey, and the fact that I would see him with Althena much more was like adding salt to a wound. However, over the summer I vowed, I was going to let what I lost go and start the new school year afresh! No boys, just me and my girls. That is exactly what I did. It was the three amigas again—well, the three amigas plus two of the amigas’ boyfriends, but I was okay with that. What I’d been through with Corey made me reevaluate boys. They weren’t worth the heartache and pain. It was a new year, I was with my girls, and we were juniors. We were one year from graduating, everything was going to be great.

It was easy to fall into the routine of school again. We found our classes and lockers. We figured out our meet-up times and everything. Work was great too. I’d been transferred to the Wendy’s closer to home, which was right down the street from school. That worked out wonderfully since I wasn’t getting rides anymore. I really couldn’t have asked for a better life at this point. I mean, sure every now and again, I would get jealous of Kendra’s and Ebony’s successful relationships and wondered if I would ever find someone like they did, but I was quickly reminded of the pain I had felt about how things went down with Corey, and I snapped right back. I was happy now, and I wanted to stay that way.

I had my routine—school, work, Service Guides—and it was working out very well. One day at a Service Guide event, I noticed a boy watching me. I just knew I was mistaken because boys never looked at me, never even noticed me really, so I brushed it off. At the end of the night, he walked over to me and introduced himself to me. His name was Marcus Freedman, and he was a senior. He was in Service Guides too. I hadn’t remembered seeing him in Service Guides last year or at the school before for that matter. Then again, I was preoccupied with Corey, so I could’ve and just not remembered. It was something about the way he was talking and looking at me that made feelings arise in me. I really couldn’t identify exactly what they were, so I tried to connect them to any feeling that I had before, and I finally did. I remember I felt that feeling every time Corey and I were alone. It was the feeling that drew me into him, the feeling that made me want to kiss him and have sex with him. I quickly remembered how that feeling had caused me so much pain, and I quickly told Marcus that I had to go.

The next day, I ran into him again, or rather he ran in to me, and began to strike up conversation. I could tell that he liked me, which made me feel really good. I liked being liked, it felt wonderful. For a moment, I thought about how lonely I felt at times and how jealous I got of Kendra’s and Ebony’s relationships. This could be a good thing, maybe Marcus could be the one for me, the person who will make me feel special and important, but then the thought of the pain I had experienced arose, and I shook off every other feeling. So I snapped out of my daydream and returned to the conversation with Marcus. I told him that I thought he was a nice guy but I wasn’t looking to be with anyone. He said that he wasn’t either, that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to be friends. Then it all made sense; of course, he wasn’t interested in me, he just wanted to be friends. At that point, I didn’t see anything wrong with that. For some reason, I always liked being friends more with boys than girls anyway. I had plenty of guy friends; none that I would hang out with, just some that I would clown around and goof off with in school. Most of whom, I was connected with through Kendra and Ebony. What harm would it do to have another friend? So I thought, Why not!

That’s exactly what it was, a friendship. I had met his girlfriend. We all would walk the halls together. Marcus and I would goof around a little during Service Guide events and in the hall when we saw each other. My friendship with him was the same as every friendship I had with every other guy during that time. The same as the one I had with Corey before the day we passed on the street coming from Evan’s house. We were just two buddies, talking and clowning around. However, one day, our friendship took a drastic turn.

One day, I was sitting in English class, and I looked up and saw Marcus standing at the door, gesturing for me to come out. I asked for a pass, went out into the hall, and very nonchalantly said, What’s up? He grabbed me by my hand and took me up the back flight of stairs to the third floor landing. No one ever used this stairway because it was gated and locked at the top. Once we got to the top, I was so confused. I thought, Why would he come get me out of class and take me up to a stairway that led nowhere? I looked at him, and before I could ask what this was all about, he kissed me. I pulled away, probably not as quickly as I should have, but I did and I looked at him with a puzzled look. What are you doing? I asked him.

Kissing you, he replied.

I knew that, what I didn’t understand was why. I asked him, and he said because he wanted to, then I questioned him, I thought we were just friends?

He then said, We are.

Then I asked him about Margot, his girlfriend, and he said that they were still together. By then I was really confused. I didn’t know where this all came from. One minute, we were cool, hanging out and joking around. Now he had me in the stairwell kissing me. What did this all mean? As I stood there trying to figure it all out, he reached in and tried to kiss me again. I jumped back and just looked at him. He looked back at me and smiled. Then he drew closer and closer to my face. Then I felt them, those feelings that I felt the first time we talked, the same feelings I felt when I was with Corey. As much as I wanted to push him and run away, I did the exact opposite. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. Immediately, I felt the rush of feelings and emotions that I had suppressed since things with Corey and I had ended—the feeling of being accepted, the feeling of being touched, but most importantly the feeling of being wanted. They had all came back, and I didn’t realize how much I had missed them until they came back. I loved those feelings, and now that they were back, I didn’t want them to go away again. So I stood there in that stairwell and kissed and kissed Marcus until the bell rang. Then I stopped and looked him in his eyes. He smiled, I did too, then I walked down the stairs and to class.

Later on that day, I saw Marcus and Margot walking down the hall. He had his arm around her. He saw me and smiled, I smiled back, and we kept walking past each other. I went home that night still feeling warm inside from what had transpired that day. It was a great feeling, but again, I was reminded of the feelings of pain that I had experienced with Corey. So I quickly snapped back to reality. What on God’s green earth was I doing? I said to myself. How quickly had I forgotten? I didn’t, by any means, want to get wrapped back up in a guy again. It was just something that I wasn’t mentally or physically capable of doing again, not at that time, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t cast away that feeling of acceptance I got from kissing Marcus. I loved that feeling. I wanted it and needed it, so why couldn’t I have it? Then I thought about how I saw Marcus later that day and we pretended as if nothing happened. Then it was like a light bulb went off and I had it! That’s exactly what I could do: I could fool around with Marcus, get what I needed from him, and not allow myself to get attached, especially since he had a girlfriend. I guess he was on the same page because the next day when we saw each other, he said the same thing.

So that was it, our friendship went from laughing, talking, and goofing around to ducking out of classes to go to that stairway to make out. This went on for weeks, and I was enjoying our time together. One day, Marcus came to my locker in between classes and suggested that since we had a Service Guide event after school that I should come by his house, only it had to be around five o’clock once Margot left. Since the event didn’t start until seven o’clock, I told him that would be fine. I wasn’t naive; I knew exactly what was going to happen at his house. The question was, did I want it to happen? What if we had sex and I got all caught up with him like I did with Corey? I didn’t want to ever feel that type of pain again. So was this something I really wanted to do? Then I began to think about how I felt when he kissed me, how it made me want to have sex with him. So I decided to do it. I would have sex with Marcus, but I WOULD NOT allow myself to get emotional.

After that night at his house, things carried on the same with Marcus. We would find times throughout the day to hide and make out. But we continued to act like nothing was going on in public, especially around Margot and Kendra. I definitely didn’t want Ebony to find out. I didn’t need her getting all judgmental about it and ruin it for me like she did with Corey, so Marcus and I were very careful. I knew the first thing she would have said was, Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? I didn’t need to hear that from her, I knew he had a girlfriend; I didn’t need her to remind me of that. Frankly, it didn’t matter to me anyway. What we had worked. We had fun together, and he made me feel wanted. The fact that he was already with someone made it easy for me not to fall for him; it was a win-win.

Marcus and I only had sex that one time because most days after school, Margot would go to his house, except for days we had Service Guide events. One day, about an hour before an event was scheduled to start, Marcus found me. He grabbed my hand and took me into the auditorium, back behind the stage. We started kissing, and then he told me to turn around, and I did. He raised my skirt and bent me over. I remember thinking, I know we are not about to do this right here, but we did. I was nervous about getting caught, but it had been a while since we had been together, so that nervous feeling left pretty quickly. It was replaced with excitement and pleasure. When we had finished, we kissed and departed. That was the day that we both realized that we had found a way to solve the problem of Margot being at his house so much. We could just do it at the school, and that is exactly what we did. Every opportunity we had, we got together, in some empty stairway or vacant auditorium. Any hideaway we could find, we made out and had sex.

As I think back on it now, I feel ashamed of what I allowed myself to do, sleeping around with a guy who was with someone I knew, and doing it at school no less. But back then, I didn’t care. All that mattered to me was that Marcus made me feel wanted and I loved that feeling and I never wanted it to end.

I was so proud of myself. Half of the school year had passed, and I had been fooling around with Marcus from the beginning. Yet I had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever! I could honestly say that it felt empowering. I’d gone from feeling like an outcast that no one really wanted to be around, to feeling