Learning to Live Again

By Kay Lewis Fast

Learning to Live Again takes you through the horrific journey of grief after the loss of a cherished loved one. It is an honest account of the day-to-day struggle surviving without the person that is significant in your life. It will help you face each day with courage and strength, knowing you are not alone with your loss. The book stresses the importance of faith, with scriptures heading each chapter. Through Christ, all things are possible. It is possible to heal after a great loss. It is possible to learn to live again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781640037847

Book preview

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Learning to Live Again

Kay Lewis Fast

ISBN 978-1-64003-783-0 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64003-784-7 (Digital)

Copyright © 2018 Kay Lewis Fast

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Dedicated to my husband, Rich, who continues to live in my heart, and to my family and friends who have loved and supported me through this grief journey.

Introduction

December 9, 2016, 3:23 a.m. The moment that my life changed forever . . . Richard Fast, my spouse, my lover, life partner, and best friend, passed away. When someone you love so much that they become a part of you ceases to exist, a part of you dies along with them. You begin to realize that everything you were before is no longer a reality. You are no longer a wife, you are no longer a couple, and you become the only parent to your adult children and the only decision-maker in your household. What was once a home now becomes a house that is lonely and empty. Memories are everywhere, yet the sadness and reality that this life is over are unbearable.

December 9 changed my life forever, and I am still finding my way, looking for my new purpose in life. I consider myself still young, at fifty-nine, and know that at some point, I will need to begin a new chapter in my life. I am waiting for God to show me the way. In the meantime, I find it necessary to put my thoughts in print. I truly believe that this will help me with the healing process and hopefully help others going through similar situations. May God bless you in your journeys in life, and bring you comfort in times of grief.

Chapter 1

The Cancer Journey

Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept diversity?

—Job 2:10

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you . . . Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

—Joshua 1:5, 9

For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

—Romans 8: 18

I retired from a long and very joyous career in music education in May of 2015. I taught vocal music for thirty-four years, including districts in Red Oak, Villisca, and Glenwood, Iowa. I looked forward to retirement to be able to spend more time with my family. I planned to help my elderly parents, keep grandkids, attend their activities and, most of all, wanted to spend quality time with my husband, Rich. I looked forward to traveling together and fantasized about all the trips we would be able to take in the next twenty years. While my life to that point largely identified with being a teacher and director, I said goodbye to that life and looked forward to the next.

In late June of 2015, less than a month into my retirement, my husband, Rich, was diagnosed with a rare and highly aggressive T cell angioimmunoblastic lymphoma. He had been to the doctor many times that spring, with flu-like symptoms. Finally, they took a CT scan, which showed cancer in the lymph nodes throughout his body. The spleen and bone marrow were also compromised, which determined the disease to be in stage 4. While the diagnosis of cancer was made at a small area hospital, we knew we needed an oncology specialist to guide us in this journey. After searching for doctors online, we were incredibly lucky to get an appointment the very next week with Dr. Greg Bociek, a lymphoma specialist at the Medical Center in Omaha, Nebraska. While he was very honest with the seriousness of this type of cancer, he was encouraging and always had a plan of action. Plan A was to have six to eight rounds of chemotherapy, CHOEP, hopefully go into remission, undergo an autologous stem cell transplant, and eventually be cancer-free and have our lives back. It sounded a bit overwhelming at the time, but we could do this, one step at a time. My husband was always my superhero. He was strong as an ox; he was determined and stubborn to the point that nothing would get him down. He was always positive and had no doubt that he would beat this brutal disease. He chose not to research the cancer. I did enough research for the both of us. I read books and searched online, doing all I could to find information on this particular type of cancer. I became the expert layman on the subject, sharing this with Rich only when he asked.

Shortly after the diagnosis, the first round of chemo was scheduled. It was three straight days, consisting of six hours each. I had packed a bag of snacks, blanket, magazines, and anything else that he might need for the long days. We spent the two nights at a hotel in Omaha so we didn’t need to drive the hour and a half home and back each day. This first round went as predicted. He was tired in the evenings and didn’t have much of an appetite but got through it like a champion. That weekend in Clarinda (our local hospital), he received a Neulasta shot to help keep blood counts up after the chemo hit his body. The next week was pretty routine. He was able to do some work and attended an REC meeting in Des Moines. He did look thin and tired and had been on water pills to help with swelling in the legs and feet.

That weekend, the nightmare of this disease truly began. On July 24, he began having shortness of breath, which entailed a quick trip to the closest hospital, which was in Clarinda. They sent us on to the medical center in Omaha, where he received two units of blood. We returned home at 11:00 p.m. At 12:30 a.m., he began running a temp, and I took him back to Clarinda, where they administered antibiotics. After being up all night, we returned home by 6:00 a.m. We were exhausted and headed to bed immediately, when he began shaking and chilling. While he said he was fine, I insisted on taking him back to the med center, where he once again received two units of blood and, this time, was admitted to the hospital.

From that day forward, his blood counts were seriously low. He was constantly receiving blood and platelet transfusions, unable to do any more chemotherapy, due to his low counts. His doctor was very hopeful that each new week, his counts would improve and that he could get back to his chemo schedule. In the weeks of waiting to continue chemo, he was put on cyclosporine to hold the lymphoma at bay. Those weeks seemed like forever. We both worried about not being able to continue the chemo treatments, which was imperative to fight the disease, and what the next plan of action would be.

Early September, we met with a transplant caseworker and began discussing a possible allogeneic (donor) stem cell transplant. The goal of this transplant would be to get his blood counts back to normal so his body would be strong enough to fight the cancer by continuing the chemo treatments. This was pretty