Pickles and Mayonnaise

By Lisa Catano

Some kids are scared of the dark. Others are afraid of monsters. But when it comes to ten-year-old Kayden Richards…well, let's just say he's really not a fan of pickles. And while you might think that no normal person should ever be frightened of a food, perhaps the reason why Kayden hates pickles so much is because he's always in one—whether he's causing mischief at home, finding himself in sticky situations at school, or brewing up trouble with the old ladies in his neighborhood's watch group. But hey, life is hard enough when you're ten. And that's before you throw in a mother who's a drill sergeant, a wild skydiving grandma, and an annoying little brother whose name rhymes with yours. Not to mention being stuck with a broom-riding witch and mad scientist as your teachers. Plus, a kid on your basketball team whose main goal in life is to make yours miserable. But with Kayden so busy trying to steal the spotlight and seek revenge, will he ever stop to learn the importance of working together as a team?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781644620274

Book preview

Chapter 1

Summer Bummer

Kayden! You got a postcard! Mom shouted excitedly as she barged into my room.

Great! I mumbled sarcastically, not even bothering to take my eyes off the television screen.

There was no time for distractions. One little slip of my finger, and the video game I spent the entire summer trying to beat would be over, and all my hard work would be gone. I couldn’t stop now. Only two more humans left to capture and my mission would be complete.

It’s from your new teacher! Mom sang happily.

My mother can be so embarrassing sometimes. I mean she practically sings every word that comes out of her mouth. You should hear her talk on the phone. You would think she was trying out for a musical or something.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if she was actually in tune.

Yes! I screamed as I zapped another human onto my spaceship. Only one guy left. Then us aliens can take over the planet and become the most powerful creatures in the solar system!

Kayden Michael Richards, I am trying to talk to you! Mother squawked as she yanked the television plug right out of the wall.

But, Mom! I was just about to beat the game! I complained.

I hate it when my mother makes it sound as though she’s reading my name right off my birth certificate!

I really just wish she would leave me alone. I mean I am ten and three quarters. That’s practically eleven years old. I’m the second-oldest kid in my class next to Billy Martin who stayed back a few times, and I’m nearly old enough to stay home by myself.

Besides, there are plenty of other people in this house for her to bother like Ally or Jayden or even Grandma. Why does she have to pick me?

My mother stood there with her arms folded across her tiny body tapping her foot on the floor. She is barely an inch taller than me, but when she gets mad even Rusty, my dog, knows to stay away.

Her cheeks brightened as red as her hair, and I could tell by her lowered eyebrows and puckered lips that I was in big trouble.

You are grounded, young man, my mother announced sternly.

But, Mom! I didn’t do anything! I protested.

"That’s exactly the problem," my mother replied.

I opened my mouth to argue, but bit my tongue when Mom raised her eyebrows and gave me the don’t even think about it stare.

Judging from the look on her face, I didn’t think now would be a good time to tell her that I forgot to let Rusty out, and he kind of had an accident on her new rug.

Besides, I did not want to upset her any more.

Mom’s anger level was at about a seven and a half right now. Only once did I push her to a level ten when I accidentally broke Mrs. Quackmire’s window trying to launch water balloons at her yapping poodle. And let me tell you, things were not pretty. Let’s just say I could see my mom’s veins bulging out of her neck.

Mom held out her arm and coldly handed me the postcard.

I shivered as I saw the familiar picture of Port Bridge Elementary on the front.

My mother nodded, impatiently waiting for me to read it.

I took a deep breath then forced out the words as I read them aloud.

Dear Fifth Grader,

Welcome to your last year at Port Bridge Elementary.

School will be starting in a few short weeks.

Please read two chapter books and write a report for each one.

Happy reading!

—Ms. Trumport

I wondered how anyone could put the words happy and reading in the same sentence.

There’s nothing happy about reading, I grumbled to myself.

Well, now that you won’t be playing your video game for a while, you’ll have plenty of time to read those books. Mom grinned.

I could feel my body tightening more and more until it took everything in me not to explode.

As soon as my mother left the room, I slammed the door shut and flung the card onto my dresser.

I really didn’t know which was worse: getting grounded for the rest of the summer or reading that postcard.

Chapter 2

Worst Day Ever

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!

Nooo! I moaned as the sound of my alarm echoed in my head.

I was really not looking forward to going back to school. In fact, I had been dreading it ever since I got that postcard from Ms. Trumport.

Half asleep, I rolled over and forced one eye open.

7:00 a.m.! I grunted. It’s way too early! I thought aloud.

I grabbed my pillow and held it tightly over my head trying to muffle the blare of my alarm.

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

All right! I yawned as I lifted my arm out from under the covers and reached over to hit Snooze.

As soon as I began to drift back to sleep, my bedroom door flew open.

Hurry up and get out of bed or you’ll miss the bus! Mom shrieked as she yelled into my room.

Ugh! I groaned. I really need to get a lock for that door!

I slowly peeled off my superhero blankets and dragged myself out of bed, struggling to keep my eyes open as I headed toward the bathroom.

Sorry, Kayden, my sister Ally snickered as she brushed past me in the hallway. But I saved all the cold water just for you, she chuckled.

Fortunately for her, I was too tired and annoyed about having to go to school to think of anything mean to say back.

I never understood Ally anyway.

She spent the entire summer trying to pick out the perfect outfit to wear on her first day of high school, and she ends up throwing on some ugly red-and-green plaid skirt and a pair of Mom’s old Army boots.

If you ask me, it looks as though she got dressed in a dumpster.

Since I was already so late, I had no choice but to take a freezing cold shower and put on the first pair of clean clothes that I could find.

I frowned as I walked past the mirror and noticed that my bright-orange curly hair was matted down like a wet dog’s. I tried to dry it with my towel, but it only puffed out like a clown.

Just great, I thought to myself. Now I really look like a freak!

Kayden, the bus is here! Mom screamed from the bottom of the stairwell.

Dang it! I shouted as I threw on a baseball cap and dashed down the stairs.

I grabbed my backpack and flew out the door just in time to see the bus pulling away.

Stop the bus! I screamed as I ran after it as fast as I could while frantically waving my arms in the air.

I chased the bus past Mrs. Quackmire’s and the old man’s house down the street.

Wait for me! I yelled as I scrambled by the fire hydrant and the corner house for sale.

Just when I thought I couldn’t run anymore the bus began to slow down and its bright red lights started to flash.

I jogged over to it trying to catch my breath, then cringed as the door jerked open with a loud ear-piercing squeak.

I climbed on expecting to be greeted by my usual driver, Mr. Ed, but instead I came face to face with some chubby guy with a long gray beard.

He looked a lot like Santa with a huge stomach that hung over his sweatpants and sat on his lap. Only he wasn’t very jolly.

You weren’t at your stop, kid, the old man grumbled.

S-Sorry, I replied.

The driver stared at me with small beady eyes that hid behind his whiskers and the rolls of fat on his face.

He pointed to the seat diagonally across from him and signaled for me to sit down.

I looked over at the other fifth graders who were sitting at the back of the bus laughing and talking about their summers. I thought about joining them, but I decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to mess with someone who was large enough to swallow me whole.

So I slid into my seat and sank down as far as I could; hoping that no one would see me. I wanted nothing more than to just disappear into the cushion.

And take off that cap. There are no hats allowed on my bus! the driver ordered in a deep, raspy voice.

I blushed as I slowly pulled off my hat and tried to pat down my wild, uncontrollable hair. As I glanced up at my reflection in the bus’s rearview mirror, I couldn’t help but sigh as it looked as though a mop was sitting on my head.

I couldn’t believe he actually made me take off my hat. And even worse, I finally get to sit at the back of the bus this year, and he forced me to sit in the front with him and all the kindergarteners!

I closed my eyes and buried my face into my hands.

This is going to be the worst day ever! I thought to myself.

Chapter 3

Ms. Trumport

The ride to school took forever! It was so long and humiliating that I was surprisingly happy when the bus finally screeched to a halt in front of Port Bridge Elementary.

As soon as our grouchy driver opened the door to let us off, I quickly put on my hat and sprang out of my seat.

I couldn’t stand another minute of being trapped on that bus.

So I hurried past the cranky old man and leaped out the door without even bothering to use the steps.

Then I jumped behind a bush where I waited until the bus pulled away before making the ugliest face I could think of at the Santa Clause imposter.

All of a sudden, my stomach started to grumble.

With such a crazy morning, I didn’t have time to eat breakfast, and I was really starting to get hungry.

Realizing that I had no choice but to try to ignore it, I shrugged my shoulders and trudged up the walkway to the school’s newly painted yellow doors.

Above the doors was a huge, colorful banner with smiling children holding hands. In big red-and-blue letters it read, Welcome to Port Bridge Elementary.

I could tell that they had been trying to make the dull old school a little brighter over the summer. But since it was made of bricks and only had a few small windows,