Into Your Hands

By Rosa B. Brinkman

Into Your Hands is the follow-up to the first three novels, In My Father's Footsteps: As Told by His Son, Binded by Blood, and Within These Walls, which received excellent reviews at the Ohioana Book Festival in 2010 and 2016, and books by The Banks Book Festival in Cincinnati, Ohio, in 2018. This story might appeal to you because it is an intimate love story being told by the main character--John Resenburger--who shares his complicated life and his paranormal romance with a strong woman who loves him. As John works to revitalize his church and his relationship with his father, the differences he has with his wife, he is confronted with a tough emotional responsibility. "As senior pastor, I often faced many difficult situations, which at many times, like a sword, pierces my heart in two. None of them were as heart-wrenching like the one I had to do today..."

The emotions in this novel are high and are heartbreaking. Into Your Hands is a passionate love story that is told from a man's perspective, which has been interesting to write. John Resenburger is a fictional character but seems real in his job as senior pastor of St. Paul Lutheran Church located in Providence, Rhode Island. He was introduced to the world in the first novel, In My Father's Footsteps: As Told by His Son, in 2009. In Your Hands continues the passionate epic love between him and Amy as they enter into the drama and emotions that are part of their intimate relationship and his everyday duties as pastor. Their love is different, and it expresses feelings that are unique in the bond between a man and a woman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781639039470

Book preview

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Into Your Hands

Rosa B. Brinkman

ISBN 978-1-63903-946-3 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63903-947-0 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Rosa B. Brinkman

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

About the Author

I have found the one whom my soul loves.

—Song of Solomon 3:4

Chapter 1

As senior pastor, I often faced many difficult situations, which at many times, like a sword, pierce my heart in two. None of them were as heart-wrenching like the one I had to do today. I have to eulogize a baby. I am familiar with nursing homes and hospitals, watching my older parishioners pass on. But, today, I question God and ask Why? My emotions are high, and I want to be here at home close to Amy and our children. There have been many times I've walked with parents who had to bury a chronically ill child and help them go through the bereavement of a profound and painful experience. But, today, God, I question you. I question my strength to endure. This is one of the most difficult things a pastor has to do. People ask questions, and they wanted to know why? I could easily tell them that in waiting, they will understand that God has his purpose for everything. These are just some questions that I cannot answer with certainty. They involve matters that God has chosen not to reveal to me.

I stood in our bedroom and gazed long and hard at myself in the mirror as I fasten my clergy collar in place before grabbing my black jacket from the bed. I was waiting for the limousine. I quickly slid on my jacket before looking into the mirror again and, this time, looking right into Amy's face as she opened the door and walked in. She slowly closed the door behind her. Our eyes met briefly for a moment. She tried to smile, but she looked away before I could smile back. She let out a grieving sigh that let me know that she had not changed her mind.

I watched her walk over to look out the window. I was in deep thought and remembered back to that night while performing the marital vows between my mom and dad who were recommitting their marriage. I will never forget hearing how Amy looked up at the pulpit where I was standing at and released a quiet sigh of oh no! It was right then I knew I had some questions I could not answer about what happened to either Anna or her baby, Damon. The police found him wrapped in a blanket strapped in his car seat in Anna's car. He had been left in the cold for hours without the care of his mother; he died all alone. Amy took his death hard because it was her who answered the call. I remembered hearing her cry out, They found him, John! She cried to me as I rushed down to where she was sitting. They found him in her car and in the cold. She cried more. How could she leave him out in the cold all alone, John? she asked.

I don't know. That was the only answer I could give her.

So here we are. Today, she knew what I had to do. It was going to be hard doing the service without her beside me. I walked to her and hugged her close. Hey, I know I've asked you already. But…have you given it a second thought about coming with me? I asked her.

I can't do it, John, she whispered, pulling back away from me. She paused for a moment and then looked up at me. This morning, as I was nursing Matthew, I looked down at him, and I just couldn't imagine something happening to him, John! She sniffed. He is so young. I can't bring myself into seeing how you can bury a baby. She sniffed again. I don't see how you can do it and not think of Matt? she asked, as she moved away from me, took tissues from the box on the dresser, and she sat on the edge of the bed.

I have to, Amy. I have to offer some comfort to our grieving church and to my dad and the community. I sighed. People in this city are concerned, and they want to know why an infant was abandoned by his mother. I have to offer some hope regarding the eternal fate of Damon…and I have to help them understand that God has a purpose for it all. I sat beside her and rest my arm around her shoulder. Sweetie, I know it's difficult for you in seeing me eulogize a baby who was no older than our own, but I have to offer comfort of God's love and the power of prayer. God invites us to pray and promises to hear our prayers, including those in the death of Anna's baby. You have to believe that.

She blinked back tears. I do, John. I do…and I also wonder what's going to happen to Anna? she asked.

I got up and walked away from her. I gave it some thought as I remember seeing Anna locked away in the hospital for psychotic depression. She was not functioning in a state of reality about the death of her baby along with possibly facing criminal charges if found competent to stand trial. I made it a routine to stop by the hospital to check on her. The only person who knew about my checking on her was my friend, Jason, and was totally against it. I looked back at Amy for a moment before responding. I don't know! Anna strapped the baby in his car seat for some unknown reason, then she went back into her apartment where she took an overdose of medication and left him out in the cold. I sighed. He had been out in the cold too long to survive, Amy added. I sighed at the thought that Anna had endangered her son by leaving him in the car on a cold night, which caused his death. I looked across the room at Amy. I know you are being sensitive to my family's loss. Damon's death has been an emotional impact on my parents especially during this time when they should have been headed on their cruise.

I looked through the curtains. It was a gloomy cold day in early January. Christmas was just as gloomy, everything in our family on hold. We spent Christmas Day making arrangements for the burial plans of a two-month-old baby who never had a chance to live out his life. No one will ever know what happened on that cold night when Anna got so depressed that she took an overdose of drugs to end the miserable life she always referred to as having. She ended the life of her son instead. Dad was the last one to talk to her, and I will never know what their conversation was. He never shared it. I looked out the window and could see the limousine pulled into our driveway. I looked across the room at Amy again. They are here. She got up from the bed and walked to where I was and took a look out the window also. You're sure about your decision? I asked. We looked at each other.

Yes, I'm sure. I can't, John. She sniffed. Not this one. I just can't.

I hugged her. I kissed her forehead. I know. I'm going to do what I know to do, I said, and I kissed her forehead again. Are you going to be okay here with the kids alone? I asked.

She nodded and rested her head on my chest for a moment.

Did I want everyone here at St. Paul to pity me—the pastor? They didn't know what I was feeling. We all were shocked into silence and stillness by the tragic death of untimely proportions, but I'm the one who has to stand up and voice the grief they felt and try to put it all into proper perspective the life of an infant. Therefore, while everyone else is grieving, I go to work and do what I know to do. I have no memory what have I said at Damon's funeral. My guess is that I just cried with them who cried and tried in my faltering ways to share the hope of God's Word is what it gave to my dad and a few of Anna's friends who were there. This is how I know God called me to be a pastor. Because, without that calling, I could not so easily do this, for any amount of money—not to eulogize a baby who was just a couple of weeks older than our baby Matt. I thought about Amy who was at home alone with Sam, Gabby, and Matthew. She was doing what she was good at doing, and that's taking care of our children. It is every mother's job to take care of their children. What happened to cause Anna to just leave her baby whom she wanted so badly out in a car? I looked down at my dad from the pulpit where I stood. He had his face buried in his hands. Was he grieving or was it in the shame in which he had put our family through? After all, Damon was his illegitimate son…my brother! … His son! My brother! … His illegitimate son. Thoughts of this raged through my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to change my thinking and focus on what I came to do. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I began my eulogy. That is Romans 12:15, and it's the mandate of the Lord's people. It is also my assignment. The fact is regardless of whom I am, planning a funeral for a baby or a memorial service is one of the most difficult things I will ever do. So today, I commend your young spirit back to God, were the final words I said, as I looked down from my pulpit into the faces of both my parents and could see the brokenness in my dad's eyes. He uncovered his face to reveal he had been crying. I knew crying was how his heart was speaking because not even I could understand the pain he was feeling. I will never come to understand the pain of a parent for a child. I remembered back to when Karen lost our first baby. She was so early into the pregnancy and lost our baby before it came into full term. I will never come to understand how she felt. I closed my eyes again as I thought about the night Amy received the call from the sheriff when they told her that they had found the baby in Anna's car. I will never know what she felt.

Many of the parishioners bowed their heads in respect as the tiny white coffin draped in flowers, was carried through the cemetery, and accompanied by the moving sound of a single voice of a lullaby. People wept as Pastor Ben delivered a moving sermon about the infant, simply named in his death notice as Little Damon before laying balloons, flowers, and soft animals on the site where he was finally laid to rest. We were whisked back to the limousine and headed back to St. Paul.

Chapter 2

Two weeks went since Damon's burial. We were trying to return to a normal routine. But nothing was normal anymore. January was ending soon, and we were looking forward to February because we planned on getting away from Providence. Dad and Mom were finally on their cruise. Amy and I decided to take our family and visit my parent's time-share West Palm Beach. We invited Jason, Brittani, and their son Ean to join us. Our flight from T. F. Green down to PBI took about five hours. Jamie was thinking about us when she booked us at 7:00 p.m. because by the time we boarded, Amy and the kids were asleep, and our ground transportation was waiting for us, when we arrived. We were off to the beach house in no time to find Jason and Brittani were already there. Jason opened the door. Welcome to paradise! he announced and smiled as he took Gabby's car seat. I reached behind me and picked up Matthew's seat from the steps. Amy followed me in carrying Sam.

Here, let me take him, Amy! Brittani took Sam in her arms.

Ean is asleep already. Come on, let's get these kids in bed. Amy took Gabby out of the car seat and followed Brittani. Jason touched my shoulder.

Let me help you get your luggage, he said.

Amy came back out of the bedroom moments later to get Matthew. Jason and I had just returned from bringing in our last piece of luggage. Are they settled in?

She shook her head. Yeah! They are sleeping, she whispered. Right now anyway. We all laughed.

I walked over and slid the patio door. I walked out and immediately could smell the ocean waters. I looked out into the darkness and could only see the lights of other condos in the far distance. Amy, Brittani, and Jason came outside. I tell you, John, Britt and I can't begin to thank you and Amy for the invite because we were just about ready to explode! We both laughed. I think we all were ready.

I reached out and took Amy's hand into mine. We needed a break, I added. And thanks to your secretary, Jamie, we have all the comforts of home. She has ordered enough food for us not to have to go anywhere. This place is stocked with so much. He smiled. That's Jamie for you. She always goes over and beyond to keep my family's needs met, I added.

And while we were waiting for you guys, I took the liberty and chilled some Chardonnay, would you two like a glass? Brittani asked. Amy and I laughed together. What did I say that was so funny? Brittani asked.

I wrapped my arms around Amy and kissed the side of her face. You remember don't you, sweetie? I asked Amy, as she wrapped her arms around my waist. We both looked at Jason and Brittani. The very last time, Amy and I had a drink of Chardonnay before we went to bed was the night Matthew was conceived. Amy and I laughed again. Jason and Brittani joined us. Sweetie, we are not sharing our bottle with these two! Jason chuckled to Brittani.

Just a small sip, you two? she asked.

Tempt them not! Jason laughed.

I looked at Brittani as she started into the beach house. Maybe just a small sip, Brittani, because I'm nursing Matthew later, okay? Amy answered. Amy went into the beach house with her. Jason and I stood at the edge of the patio and looked out at the ocean waves.

Jason and I both stood quiet for a moment. He hesitated before he asked, So what's going on with Anna? You are not still visiting her, are you? he asked.

Shh! Jason, I quickly added.

He sighed. Oh no, man, now you are really treading heavy waters! he whispered. Your wife finds out and you are dead! I thought you told Amy that you've been checking in on her? he asked. John, what are you waiting for? he asked again.

It's just too complicated, Jason. I sighed. There's a Lieutenant Copeland that's working the case now. There is not too much that can be done as long as she's hospitalized. They have no idea.

And you've got to tell your wife that you have been visiting the hospital checking on Anna! I took a deep breath. You have to, John, before she finds out.

I looked out into the dark distance and thought about how angry Amy was with me. I was counseling Anna without telling Amy. It was not until after her suicide attempt that I told her everything. Of course, she was angry. And you need to tell her while we are here before you get back home and get too busy, he added.

We are here because we need a break from all the stresses we've been through the last couple of weeks. God knows we don't need anymore, I said, as I looked beyond him to the patio door as Brittani and Amy joined us on the patio. I will consider everything you just shared, Jason. I promise.

Amy wrapped her arms around me. You promise what, John? she asked, as she handed me a small glass of wine.

I took a sip, smiled at her, and kissed the side of her face. I promised him that we'd babysit Ean one evening, and then they will keep our three so we all can have some alone time. I looked at Jason.

He nodded. Yeah, because Britt and I want to check out the new jazz restaurant while we are here.

Amy smiled. We don't mind caring for Ean. You guys go out whenever you need to.

I took hold of Amy's hand. Good night, you two, don't be up too late, I said.

Good night.

We both were too exhausted and just wanted a quick shower and to get some sleep before Matthew would wake us. She came into the shower with me. Being intimate was not on my mind until she asked me to rub the soap on her back. The sensation I felt of having warm water running over her body was stimulating and exciting. She always enjoyed it when I washed her.

Don't stop, John, she whispered in a sultry voice, as I gently rubbed soap on her.

I throbbed in anticipation knowing that this would be our first time in weeks we've made love. I slid my tongue over her wet flesh and kissed the back of her neck and then her shoulders. I heard her gasp as I pressed her closer against the wall of the shower and touched her breast. You are gorgeous! I whispered in her ear.

She turned to face me. She chuckled. No, John! We are not having sex in this shower because we have no protection, and I am not taking a chance of getting pregnant again, she whispered.

You won't, sweetie, I promise you, I exclaimed more anxiously, as I kissed her passionately and pulled her closer to me. At the moment, I did not think about us being safe.

I got up early with Gabby and Sam because Amy had been up earlier with Matthew. She was sound asleep and so was Matthew as he lay right beside her. After their breakfast, I took them out for an early morning walk. Gabby walked as far as she could on the sandy beach before I picked her up and carried her back to our beach house. Amy was waiting on the deck of the beach house with Matthew in her arms.

How was the walk? she asked as I stood Gabby on the deck. I bend over to brush some of the sand off her feet. I could feel Amy stroke my hair. Are you hungry? she asked. I can make breakfast.

Sure, that'll be fine, I said.

She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I could not respond the way I wanted to. And what was that for? I smiled.

I just want to say that I am sorry for reacting so nervously in the shower. I know it's been a while, baby, I just don't want us to make another baby so soon! We both smiled. Give me Matthew. I'm going to take them to their room and get them all dressed. I will give you a break. She laid Matthew in my arms.

Later, we took a walk along the beach with the kids. I pushed Gabby in her stroller; Matthew was tucked inside his swaddle that Amy wore and Sam ran ahead of us. The temperature for January was comfortable, and in the far distance, I could see other condos and people relaxing near the ocean. I was in deep thoughts thinking about the conversation Jason and I had earlier. He was right. I needed to find a way to tell Amy that I was visiting Anna. I felt I had some responsibility to check on her because she had shared so much with me during the times I counseled her. I felt connected to her, and I thought about the last conversation Anna and I had when she told me how she wanted to end it all. She was suicidal, and I did not refer her for mental help. I looked at Amy as she walked beside me. She called out to Sam for him not to walk so far ahead of us. Hey, what's on your mind, John? You seem so far away. she asked.

I smiled. I could not do it! I can't break her trust in me by telling her that I go by the hospital and check on Anna regularly. Don't do it, John, I said to myself and slowly changed the subject. Just thinking about all the things I've got to do at church when we get back. I think maybe we need to head back. I promised Jamie I would give her a call later this morning.

Are you okay? she asked.

I grabbed hold of her hand. Sure, baby. I sighed. Everything is fine. I looked at Sam. Hey, Sam, come on, bud, we're going back.

Chapter 3

It was our night out. Taking Amy out to dinner at a local restaurant was a refreshing getaway from the kids. Our ground transportation took us where we wanted to go. I surprised Amy by taking her to a French restaurant. It was good to see her