Cast away your dreams of darkness

By Peter Raposo

I'll turn into f…. Houdini and disappear.

When the woman he loves says that she no longer wants to see him, M÷ doesn't know what to do, what to say. Instead of pleading, he walks away while trying to keep the pieces of his broken heart together. Around him, the world is spinning out of control.

A new war has started, the Queen has died, Elon has bought Twitter, Tate is trying to escape the agents of the Matrix, while the mysterious Invisible Hand is trying to take over the entire world.  

The sequel to the illusion of movement finds M÷ searching for God, meeting all sort of crazy characters along the way, including a possible time-traveller, while trying to forget the woman he loves. But damn love is hard to forget.

• Language: English
• Publisher: APS Books
• Release date: Feb 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215303320

Book preview

For Helena Fernandes Cabrita

(1930-2022)

Love is a trap.

Here we go again...

Love is a trap, a deadly trap.

You are given a taste of it, baited, and off you go, towards the unknown, running after the flesh, running after her soft lips, those fit legs, that... but it’s all a lie, a trap, unreal. Or maybe I’ve got it wrong. Yes, that’s probably what happened. I mistook lust for love. I mistook loneliness for love.

I was so needy, so desperate, and she was... hell, I don’t know. And because of my neediness, I fell into that trap. Again. And was the pain even worth it? No. It never is.

So now I must start again, less needy this time, maybe give less, too, be more cautious before falling into that trap called lust. But I’m okay now. I needed this heartbreak so that I could learn from it. Another heartbreak to add to the collection. Let’s hope it’s the last.

We’re living in a simulation game, our lives being written (and controlled) by others, and the game is getting tougher, more dangerous, not to mention the enemy is getting stronger; the enemy of righteousness. Look at what’s happening in Canada and Australia: both countries are building a prison around its inhabitants, and if you dare to fight back, they –the Controllers of the game- will stop your bank account, shame you everywhere even though you’ve done nothing wrong, and stop you from living. There is no law: the law is controlled by the demons that control the game. We’re heading towards disaster. Who can save us?

A strange game this one that we’re being forced to play.

A strange (game) world we’re (playing) living in.

Obese is now beautiful and acceptable and the new sexy, except it isn’t (but the Controllers of the game want you to think it is).

Obese is ugly, and it can lead to heart attacks, diabetes, etc., but the Controllers of the game are telling you something else while laughing at you, at me, at us. They’re probably living on the moon. Then again, maybe not. Maybe the ones (aliens? but there are no aliens; we’re only creatures in a game; ghosts in the machine, dumbfounded or just plain dumb) that live on the moon are as lost as us.

Did Erin Valentin (all names have been changed, just a tiny bit) found the truth in Silicon Valley? The truth about the game? Is that why she said it’s all a game, a thought experiment, and we’re in the Matrix? And because she found out the truth (about the game) they took her out?

What about Seth Ritchie (all names have been changed, just a tiny bit)?

He had bruises in his hands, on his knees, on his face, and yet he had two shots to his back, and the so-called robbers never took anything from him.

A strange game we’re playing, a game where the Controllers create division and make us fight one another, and while we fight they laugh. And they also tell us to eat insects, eat plants, eat crap, while they have the richest of foods.

Seth Ritchie was a good man, a good friend to all those who knew him, a good son, and yet no one is doing enough to find out who killed him.

Same goes for Erin.

Here we go again...

I sit in bed, say that first prayer, a short prayer, then I stand up, stretch my arms, and look around me. So much has changed in my life but I’m still alone, no Ellie in my life, no love, no one...

No one but God. Maybe that’s all I need.

Last night, while I was in bed reading Joshua Cohen’s Book of Numbers, I grabbed one of my journals and read through it.

The journal was dated December 21st, 2021. I couldn’t remember what I wrote on that day.

December 21st, 2021; how time flies. Four days later, I would spend Christmas with Ellie. A beautiful Christmas, a beautiful day, a beautiful woman... I was in love but...

December 1st 2021

Two strange dreams last night, both featuring Ellie. Dreams of floods, death, Heaven, spaceships (the Floating City?).

Dream ~1

I found myself in Australia, walking along Melbourne. I had said goodbye to my sister Linda and I was on my way to meet Ellie. She was waiting for me somewhere.

A tram drove past me, the driver being its only passenger. Flashing lights on the walls around me, an empty closed shopping centre to my right.

Where’s everyone? I thought as I made my way up the road.

I saw a fish market at the end of the road, still open.

I entered the market, saw some women and children sitting on folding chairs, waiting. I made my way past them, heard one of them talking in Portuguese, saying to the others, Who is this fool? What the hell is he doing here?

I apologised for bumping into them, in Portuguese, and that made them feel a bit embarrassed. I headed towards the exit, tried to push the door open but it wouldn’t open. The woman who had badmouthed me said, The door only opens at 14:30 pm.

I looked at my watch. It was two seconds to 14:30 pm. I pushed the door, smiled, and thanked them for their time. And then I saw myself facing Ellie. She was waiting for me by the beach. She was wearing a yellow bikini, her hair was cut short, and she looked so tanned. There was another woman standing next to her, a chubby woman, but she made her way out of there when she saw me. I reached for Ellie, both of us smiled at one another, but then, by instinct, I turned around and saw a tsunami heading in our direction.

Let’s get out of here! I said, panic in my eyes.

We run towards a big building, with the tsunami behind us growing in size.

We run up the steps, the water getting close to us.

A naked woman appeared out of nowhere, swimming in the tsunami waters. She was beautiful on the outside, but so ugly on the inside. That same woman reached for one of my arms and tried to drag me into the tsunami, but Ellie pulled me up and managed to save me.

The two of us reached the top of the building and when we looked down, we saw the woman that had tried to drag me into the tsunami stuck in a room with others. They were on the ground floor, so many faces, all staring at us. Pretty faces but so ugly on the inside.

And afterwards the dream got even weirder, as if that could be possible, but it was.

A spaceship appeared on top of us, we got teleported, and the spaceship took us somewhere else. It left us in a forest, a large forest, so beautiful, with long trees around us and the most beautiful blue sky on top of us. Ellie grabbed my left hand and we smiled at one another.

Dream ~ 2

I saw an older me in bed with an older Ellie. We were both in our eighties, and the younger me was seeing the older me with Ellie. I was somewhere else watching myself.

Ellie opened her eyes and said, I can’t believe I woke up before you.

She looked at me, and saw that I was gone pale. When she touched me, she realised that I was cold. And dead.

I was watching us both from above, watching an older Ellie scream when she saw that the older me had passed away.

Where are the cats and the dog? I wondered as I looked at Ellie and the older me. But then I realised that the animals were dead because decades had gone past.

At the end of the dream, a sad Ellie got up and called someone.

What did the dreams meant? I thought when I got out of bed.

My son Matthew was still in bed, sleeping. I looked out of the window, saw the rain softly falling against the glass. First prayer out of the way, I went online, read yesterday’s emails, followed by today’s news. A new mutation of the Invisible Enemy had arrived in England, all the way from South Africa. More fear on the news. More fear for sale.

What could turn out to be the trial of the century had just started as the right hand of the monster Epstein was defending herself in court. This is the trial that could change the world, but I knew better than that and I knew that nothing would come out of it. Nothing would be revealed. After all, the ones in control didn’t want for any of us to know too much.

I logged off, wrote nothing, went downstairs, did my necessities, washed my hands, said the second prayer of the day while washing my hands, went back to my bedroom, a few more prayers out of the way, and then returned downstairs where I had my breakfast.

Later, after dropping my son at the bus stop, I walked all the way to Earlsdon just so I could see my daughter Leaf for a few minutes. 

Yu and Leaf arrived at school a few minutes before 9 am. For the last few weeks Yu has been very friendly towards me. She had some problems with her home, found herself alone, crying every day, with no one to turn to for help, and I ended up being there for her. As I’ve mentioned before, in another entry, a few days ago she kind of made a move on me, or got up from her seat and was about to make a move on me, but I told her straight away that I was really serious about Ellie. That stopped Yu on her tracks.

Last night, while I was at home, I went through some journal entries of 2020, and when I read how much I went through because of Yu, I felt anger towards her. She really put me through hell, constantly bullying me or giving me the cold shoulder, constantly texting me when I was at work, telling me to move out of our home, asking me when I was moving out of our home, sending me links to apartments that I could rent; day after day, the bullying never stopped. Even when I was at my lowest, going through a severe case of depression, the bullying never stopped, day after day, there she was, either shouting at me or treating me like shit, or both, and when I thought I was about to lose my fight and the will to live, I was given another chance; one could say I was reborn, came back to life as a new man, as the person I always wanted to be, and bit by bit, a few things started to come my way, like having some of my dreams achieved and meeting someone new, a new woman, someone I can call love, but as I climbed out of that abyss called depression or darkness, Yu pushed herself into that same pit of desolation, and she found herself alone, crying every day, having a taste of her own medicine, and instead of abandoning her, which was what she did to me, I went to her rescue, gave her some good advice, and even contacted her sister Mei and told her to get in touch with Yu because my ex-wife had no one in her life. And so Mei got in touch with Yu, but Yu is really hard to get along with, and she’s so stubborn, so proud, at times so stupid, and she keeps going back to the past, to stuff that happened years ago, even decades ago, accusing people of this and that, and Mei got so tired of it. She messaged me later on to tell me that Yu got upset with her, again, and that she stopped talking to her, again. Oh man, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then again, this is Yu I’m talking about so it shouldn’t surprise me. I apologised to Mei for Yu’s behaviour, and I thanked her for the fact she called her older sister. And then I texted Yu, told her to text her sister back, apologise for her behaviour, and thank her for the call. Thankfully Yu got some sense and did as told. And now she’s back on good terms with her sister. Well, sort of.

Mei told me they spoke for about 5-10 minutes, and all Yu did was complain. She complained about the fact she was alone and had to do everything by herself, and Mei didn’t know what to say back. She also has her own life to deal with, her own problems, and listening to Yu complain non-stop can be quite tiring. Mei told me that she felt like telling Yu to suck it up and get on with it because she has done that to herself, but chose wisely not to say a word. Thankfully, for Mei’s ears, Yu said she had to go and get dinner ready, and I have a feeling that Mei won’t call her sister again soon. Yu is really hard to get along with.

Anyway, I saw Yu this morning, and my daughter, too, and after my daughter went inside the school, me and Yu spoke for a couple of minutes, but I had to go to my friend Yahli’s place and I really don’t have much to say to Yu. A few days ago Yu told me I could go over and spend the night at her place, and she even invited me out for dinner, more than once, and it was clear to see that she regrets the divorce, but even though I miss my children, I couldn’t see myself ever going back with Yu. Later, when her life is better, she will quickly forget me, and, who knows, she might badmouth me again and forget how much I’ve helped her in the last few days.

Nevertheless, regardless of what she does, I still care about her. But I wouldn’t want her back in my life.

I decided to walk all the way to Yahli’s place instead of getting the bus. Ellie, my new woman, has opened my appetite for long walks and running, so now, whenever I can, I go jogging or I go out for long walks. The long walks actually started last year, just right after the first day of lockdown, but lately I went a bit lazy and started to go everywhere by bus. Not so long ago the lovely Ellie came into my life, and since she jogs three times a week, I started jogging with her, and on Sundays she comes to church with me. I only jog with Ellie once a week, and then I jog alone once or twice a week, but if I don’t go out for a jog, I try to go out for a long walk, and that’s what I did this morning.

Yahli was alone at home. Well, almost alone since he has two dogs. He was happy to see me and we sat in his back garden drinking coffee and talking. I told him about both my dreams, and Yahli told me that both dreams meant a new beginning for me. The first dream was about people that I was leaving behind, and the naked woman on the underwater that tried to drag me into the tsunami was my ex-wife; pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside, while Ellie was that new beginning, the woman who would lead me towards a new –and hopefully better - life. And the people on the ground floor; the ones that were staring at me and Ellie, were just people that I was leaving behind, people that I could no longer have in my life. As for the second dream, the one where I saw myself from above, lying in bed with Ellie, dead, that was also a dream about new beginnings, and Yahli said that sadness in the dream actually meant happiness, and that I was going through a spiritual rebirth, starting again.

I liked both explanations. They made sense. Afterwards we spoke about the Invisible Enemy and the Invisible Hand, and Yahli told me that what’s happening right now is nothing new and that every few decades we go through this, and once the virus is over, we will face a Big War.

He asked me if I was prepared for the war in case it happened. I shrugged my shoulders. What could I say? I had some food stored but it wasn’t enough. If only I had my own place, then I could prepare.

You must be ready to leave everything behind and walk away, Yahli said.

I nodded. I knew what he meant with that.

For the last few months I’ve been trying to get my own place through the council. So far I’ve had no luck, but if things do change and I get my own place, the first thing I will do is food storage, foods that can last a few years, and plenty of water, too.

We spoke about the Chinese government and how the people of China were told recently to store up food that will last for at least one year. But why? What for? What does the Chinese government know that we don’t?

Notes from a faraway past

December 2021

Coventry, England

Broken, or, that voice inside my head telling me to quit

It wasn’t the divorce that broke me, or the separation, but both contributed to the slow decline of my sanity. One night I was sleeping with my children, the following day I was sleeping alone, in a strange bed, in a strange bedroom. No one knows how much I cried during lockdown, while the divorce (and separation) was going through. I would come home to a cold face, a harsh face, a cold heart. I would open a door and come face to face with a wall. I would open a window and I would bump into a wall. A wall of ignorance, a wall of silence. More than a year gone past since I last shared a home with my children, I’m still crying, but no one knows about it. But the sad thing is that even if people knew about it no one would care. Someone would say, Don’t worry. You’ll get over it. Life goes on, but do they even know what they’re saying?

Life goes on?

You’ll get over it?

Yes, life goes on, and I might get over it, but the truth is I’m broken, dismantling piece by piece, dying the slowest of deaths while that voice inside my head is telling me to quit.

I no longer know what to do.

No matter how hard I try, I don’t seem to have it in me the strength to heal myself, so I walk alone, through the dark night of the soul, broken.

Some nights I open the Tanakh at random, or I read Psalms, and I ask for help; I pray for it with tears running down my face. The morning comes and I’m still broken, slowly dismantling, coming apart so painfully, leaving a piece here, a piece there. The saddest of all is that no one sees the (broken) pieces I leave behind. And even if they did, no one would care.

There are days when I want to quit, but, at the same time,