Dying for Life: Defying Death and Destiny

By Saibal Guha

The storyline in this book follows the protagonist, Sam, a Psychiatrist practicing in Brisbane, living with his partner, through his recurrent dreams and visions, which relate to missing a chunk of his childhood. As he tries to unpack his lost youth with the help of his family and friends, it slowly becomes clear to Sam his childhood was psychologically dissected for a reason, which soon becomes his singular mission.

As he starts unraveling his past, strange visions and experiences start occurring. This leads to a unique transformation, not without its own challenges, nearly destabilising Sam’s mental and physical health. His lost childhood is gradually unpacked through experimental narcoanalysis and frequent dissociative episodes.

As the story progresses, Sam returns to his roots to find answers. Little does he know he is a mere pawn in a much bigger game involving politics, money, greed, and lust. As he also discovers more about the source of his index trauma, his life is suddenly tossed around in the stormy sea of guilt, paranormal experiences, threats of death and dying, and glimpses of hope and salvation. ‘Dying to Live’ remains the cornerstone of this narrative with its’ inevitable twists and turns, forays into Sam’s conscious and unconscious mind, and his singular-mindedness to get to the truth! Inevitably, this gripping narrative culminates in a truly uncharacteristic ending…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Jan 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9781669833161

Book preview

Copyright © 2023 by Saibal Guha.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 12/20/2022

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CONTENTS

The Past Returns

The Triggers

Joseph’s Psychosis

The Treasure Hunt

The Winds of Change

Life in Brisbane

Durgapur: The Epicentre

In Pursuit of Rahul

Identity Crisis

The Reckoning

I Am Rahul

Memories Unleashed

The Awakening

Total Recall

Meeting Maggie

Stepping into the Abyss

The Miracle

Unpacked

Retracing My Steps

The Healing

Shock Therapy

Strange Happenings

At Durgapur

Finland

The Past Reawakens

Closing the Gap

The Prodigal Returns

And Then Came the Tsunami

Saved by a Whisker

The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Open Disclosures

Under Siege

The Clean-Up

And Here Comes the Cavalry

Opening the Pandora’s Box

A ‘Ray’ of Hope

Seek, and Ye Shall Find

A ‘Major’ Change

Battle Stations

Changing Safe Houses

A Strange Reckoning

Saved by a Whisker

Satya: The Truth

The Past Revisited

A Surgical Strike

Joining the Dots

The Noose Tightens

The Point of No Return

Finding Jhumki

Armageddon

Close Encounter with the Apocalypse

The Aftermath

Tabula Rasa

Defying Death

Dedicated to:

This narrative is dedicated to ‘us.’ This story would never have taken shape without the ‘us’ in me. My characters are representative of this embedded ‘us.’ And I am grateful to ‘them’ – my past and present!

Acknowledgment

Without hesitation, I acknowledge the support and love I receive from my family, including my parents, brothers, and the extended Indian family I am blessed with. My parents have been my pillars of support and stability throughout my life. I also feel humbled and supported by my Australian family, including my stepchildren and close friends, who have been with me every step of the way.

My school and college friends in India always will remain a significant part of my life and in my mind. Throughout my academic career spanning several decades, my teachers have been on my mind throughout this narrative. I would like to also extend my sincere thanks to my professional colleagues worldwide, who have also been my inspiration and somewhat embedded in this narrative I presented.

A special thanks to my mentors and guides, who took me under their wing and shaped my destiny. This also includes all clients who have been with me through my professional journey in life, with its inherent ups and downs. So many of these names and their stories are etched in my mind. I feel blessed to have been born in such a dynamic country, India, the main inspiration for this book and its background. My adopted country Australia and the people of this beautiful nation have enhanced my understanding of life and have been a significant definition of the storyteller inside me.

Last but not least, I will like to thank my beautiful wife, Marina, who is my true inspiration and support in telling my story as I wanted to. I feel blessed to be able to participate in this five-year-long project with her by my side to the finish line.

I love you all!

The Past Returns

I feel someone is following me as I walk down a narrow alleyway. It is evening. I am unsure where I am. Or how I reached this place. I am looking for someone to ask for directions to my home. Footfalls again, not far from me. I can see a man’s shadow behind me from the corner of my eye.

I hasten my pace. I have to get away from him. I see a door of a house partially open. Someone is crying. I know this voice. I cannot remember who it is. But I know this voice. Is she in trouble? I also need shelter from my stalker. I run and push the door open. No one is inside. The house is in semi-darkness. Candlelight flickering from a room down a narrow hall throws a dull light.

The footsteps come closer behind me. I have to get away. I close the front door. I walk rapidly to the room where the girls’ crying is coming from. I tentatively walk inside the room. A few candles are burning, throwing long flickering shadows on the walls. Two women are sitting on the floor, wailing. One is around my age and the other much younger. Perhaps around nine years? They both look at me and raise their hands for me to hold them.

I am absolutely shocked. They both look the same as if they are twins! The child starts mumbling ‘Daddy, Daddy’ as she cries. She is looking straight at me. The older woman looks at me and screams louder. There is a cut or ligature mark around her neck. I cannot see whether this is a wound or an old scar.

She says, ‘Rahul, take your daughter.’ My daughter? What is this all about? I have no daughter. I feel anxious. Is this a setup? I think I know these women as their faces are very familiar. Am I losing my mind? Who are these people?

I turn around to escape. A bearded man wearing saffron clothes stands behind me, blocking my escape route. He has a sharp knife. He shouts, ‘This is your past and future, Rahul. Accept this, or you will die.’ He then pushes me into the room. I fall to the ground. The women are not there. I look up. The older woman is now hanging from the ceiling.

She is still looking at me, tears streaming down her face.

I feel a hand shaking me. I am unsure whose hand this is. ‘Leave me alone, please,’ I want to cry out, but my throat is choking.

‘Sam, please wake up. We have reached. We are getting late,’ a voice cried, waking Sam up.

Sam found himself sitting in a car with Maria. They had reached Kolkata International Airport’s main terminus. Sam shrugged himself out of this slumber on the way to the airport. He was surprised to be sweating profusely, although the temperature in the car was below 20 degrees.

‘Did you have a nightmare?’ Maria enquired as she started to get out of the car.

‘Yes. It was a bizarre one. I must have slept on the way here. Of late, I frequently see the face of a woman who seems to be well known to me. But I cannot place her anywhere in my life. Perhaps someone from my childhood? A child replica of this woman in my dream called me daddy. It was scary. I saw this older woman hanging from the ceiling, still crying for my help. She called me by a different name. I cannot remember the name now.’

Maria studied Sam. He looked unsettled. She said nothing as she stood listening to him.

Sam continued, entirely lost in himself, ‘Interestingly, a man wearing saffron clothes threatened me with a knife and said something about my ‘future and destiny’. I am sure this is a silly dream, and nothing like this has ever happened. My anxiety about returning home and not sleeping well at night must be causing this. Let us get going, Maria. We are genuinely getting late for checking in.’

Sam still could not get this unusual dream out of his mind. It haunted him for a while.

Little did Sam know at this time that this was the start of a series of cataclysmic events that would shape his future.

The airport looked busy, with passengers scuttling around with pieces of luggage precariously loaded on rickety luggage trolleys. A disorderly crowd blocked the entrance gate, trying to say final goodbyes to their departing loved ones. Some were crying and hugging each other. Others were trying to peek through the curtain of people climbing over each other to have a last glimpse of their close ones leaving the country.

It was close to 8.45 p.m. The flight leaves at 11.30 p.m.

There was still some time, but Sam wanted to check in early to avoid the rush. He didn’t like the hassle of these onerous airport formalities. This was one of the main reasons he wanted to travel in business class.

‘For heaven’s sake, let us go through,’ Sam said aloud, with building frustration in his voice, as he jostled with the trolley full of their suitcases, ready to proceed towards the entrance. No one allowed him any room to move forward.

He was becoming upset as people around him seemed to not care very much about anyone else and were mainly preoccupied with their farewell business. Sam hated selfish people who did not care about others’ privileges. He took a deep breath. He was determined not to lose his cool.

‘Not here in front of my whole family,’ he thought as he managed to calm himself down.

He turned around to his mother, Gauri, and lamented loudly, ‘We may have to say goodbye now, Ma. You guys cannot enter the terminal, as this place is crowded, and we are also getting late for the flight!’

He tried to camouflage the slight sadness and anguish in his voice. He looked around at his two brothers watching him intently. They seemed sad too. Sam felt blessed he had a loving family who truly cared for him and Maria. They all came to see him off.

‘This is truly nice,’ he thought. He loved his family and wanted to have them around him as much as possible. Maria had always complained that Sam was too Indian about this aspect of his family connection and felt he had struggled to adapt to his new country, Australia.

‘Maybe she is right,’ he mused. ‘I miss India a lot, especially my family.’

Gauri looked at Sam with forlorn eyes. After such a short annual holiday to Kolkata, she seemed sad to see her son leave for Australia. She never liked these moments of goodbyes. She would prefer Sam to stay in India and never wanted him to relocate to Australia permanently. Now with Maria in his life, he was never going to return. She has always been vocal about her thoughts on this issue. There was a tear in her left eye, which Sam noticed. He hugged Gauri tightly. Sam knew how she felt about his decision to live in Australia. He just wanted her to accept his decision and be able to move on. Gauri hugged him tightly.

Gauri whispered in his ears, ‘I want you to do me a favour.’

‘What is it, Ma?’

Sam was surprised. They disentangled slowly.

She was quiet as she hesitated. Sam was becoming restless. He hoped Gauri would not take too much time to speak her mind. She did not consider ‘time’ as a valid parameter in her communication strategies. He looked around. Maria was happily talking to his older brother Som. He might have a few minutes before Maria would again nag him to hasten the pace of these seemingly prolonged but necessary farewell formalities. She had never come to terms with these specific Bengali cultural aspects of a complex ‘goodbye’ process.

‘She is Australian. I cannot hold this against her.’ Sam thought fondly that this was her first trip to India.

Sam looked back at Gauri. She was holding a small black suitcase in her hand to his surprise. The bag appeared old in the available light. The case appeared to have been well travelled and worn out.

‘What is this, Ma?’ Sam demanded to know.

‘Can you take this case with you?’ Gauri pleaded. There was a look of worry in her eyes.

‘Why does she want me to carry this case to Brisbane? Why didn’t she give it to me before so I could consider it? What is all this hush-hush last-minute business? Does she not want Maria to know? I hope this isn’t one of Ma’s incorrigible Bengali politics I am involved in.’ Sam’s mind was in a tizzy!

He had always worried about Gauri’s overprotective and implicit ways of trying to manage his life. She sometimes managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat possibly to still get some mileage into his life. Sam always received special treatment. Both Som and Deep, his two brothers, escaped such undivided attention. Sam never understood this aspect. Now, he had a suitcase to deal with as a piece of extra luggage.

He had every intention to deny Gauri’s request. Sam just did not want to do anything that was not explained well. Gauri surely knew he was travelling business class. Hence, he was allowed extra cabin luggage. This case seemed to be small enough to pass as cabin luggage. Thus, his protestations might not go far with his dearest mother and her current offer. Protests usually never deterred her, not for want of trying in the past!

He changed his mind from ‘I don’t want this suitcase’ to enquiring more about Gauri’s strange last-minute request.

‘What is in this case, Ma? Why do you want me to carry this?’ he asked.

Gauri sighed. ‘Nothing much, Sam. Just a few surprise gifts for you and memorabilia. I could not give you much during your stay. Hence, these are my small gifts for the forthcoming Kali Puja festival. Please open the suitcase only on that day. I have given a letter to Maria with all the details. So don’t worry much. I hope you like what is inside this case!’

Gauri smiled as she related this. Her eyes did not join her smile. Her eyes were full of worry and apprehension, although she tried to appear calm. She seemed to be trying to make it look like this was not a big deal!

Sam was in a bind. He did not want to be difficult and refuse the gifts because that would break Gauri’s heart. Maria would not like that. She always wanted Sam to remain close to his family and work closely with them. This was most probably to reduce the impact of his absence from their lives. Gauri’s request, although intriguing as this happened at the last moment, seemed simple. It was only a gift, after all.

Sam looked around. His brothers were looking at him enquiringly, wondering about the hold-up delaying the farewell formalities. The security entrance to the airport also seemed to be less busy now.

‘We should dash now,’ Sam thought.

He looked back at Gauri and smiled. He made a decision.

‘It’s fine, Ma. I will take this suitcase if this makes you feel good. I think I might have seen this suitcase before. Where did I see this case?’ Sam enquired.

Gauri’s eyes became instantly alert and focused. She seemed surprised. Her face was taut now as if she was holding back something. She tried to smile, which hardly softened her facial tension.

‘Don’t worry, Sam. It is an old suitcase you might have seen before in our attic. I was in a big rush. I found it handy and thought this would pass as a piece of cabin luggage for you. When you open it on the day of Kali Puja, you will know its contents. I am certain you will be happy with what is inside.’

She stopped and looked at Maria. Their eyes met.

‘You both need to get into the terminal, or you will miss your flight. Call me later when you reach Brisbane. Please remember not to open this case before Kali Puja day,’ she retorted, trying her best to keep the anxiety out of her voice.

Sam was curious about what was in the suitcase, making her anxious. ‘No time for that now,’ he thought. ‘Ma is right. We need to leave and start the immigration process.’

After finishing her goodbyes to his brothers, Maria was already walking towards him with a smile on her lips. She seemed happy. Dad never came as he was suffering from flu and decided to focus on his brandy-and-hot-water concoction to become better soon. This suggestion came from my younger brother Deep, the naval commander, who knew all about wine and spirits.

‘Let’s go, Sam,’ Maria urged him while shuffling towards the entrance.

Sam looked directly at his brothers. They both smiled and waved at him. He bent down and touched Gauri’s feet in a traditional show of respect. She blessed him by touching the top of his head lovingly.

‘Keep well, Ma. I will call you when I reach Brisbane’, he said.

Maria also came up to Gauri and hugged her tightly. She whispered something in Maria’s ears. Maria smiled and nodded. Sam had no clue what had happened there. He was happy to note Gauri and Maria had become close during this short holiday. Their first meeting since Sam and Maria had been together.

‘Some family secrets being shared,’ he thought fondly.

Gauri then waved at Sam. She had a tear in the corner of her eye. Teary and sad farewells always made Sam uncomfortable. He picked up the newly acquired black suitcase and placed it on top of the trolley, along with his other pieces of luggage. Maria joined him as they both walked hastily to the security entrance.

After their passport checks were completed, they both entered the main terminal. The terminal was busy, with multiple flights possibly taking off around the same time. Passengers were scurrying around, active in finding their way to various check-in counters. Sam turned around quickly and waved again towards his family. The trio waved back at him.

‘I will miss them,’ Sam thought to himself. Maria might have guessed his thoughts. She squeezed his hand and smiled at him reassuringly. Sam pushed the luggage trolley towards the check-in counter.

‘Thank god we are travelling business class. Look at the queue of people in the economy-class section,’ he reported to Maria.

Maria nodded in agreement. Sometime later, the couple were inside the business lounge, waiting for the flight to be announced. Sam felt relaxed.

Sam asked whether Maria knew anything about the black suitcase being a gift for him. She nodded. She knew.

‘Gauri asked me about your dreams and sleep issues,’ she reported to Sam.

‘Why so?’ Sam wanted to know.

‘I think you told her about your recurring dream about your childhood. These have been apparently bothering you for some time now. You wanted to know from her if anything happened to you when you were a child related to these recurring dreams and nightmares,’ Maria reported. ‘She even asked me about your sleep issues.’ Maria smiled. ‘I said you snore a lot and talk in your sleep.’ She started laughing, observing the discomfiture in Sam’s face.

Sam thought more about Gauri’s interest in his sleep and dreams. ‘This makes good sense as I had tried multiple times recently to talk to Gauri about my childhood. There are big gaps in my memory. I feel unsettled. I had such a block in my memory before we came to Kolkata this time. I believe my dreams are possibly related to my past, and Gauri knows more than she lets me know,’ Sam thought as the couple sat down close to the boarding gate.

Gauri was increasingly worried and anxious when Sam queried her about the past and his ‘memory gaps’, mostly about earlier parts of his childhood. She soon became defensive and tight-lipped. This reaction surprised Sam. Was there something Gauri was carefully guarding as a family secret? He did not know.

Boarding was announced. Sam picked up the hand luggage and looked at Maria.

‘Let us move?’ he asked. Maria nodded and started collecting her bags before moving towards the nominated aerobridge. The flight was luckily on time. Gauri’s anxious and teary face flashed in Sam’s mind.

‘Goodbye, Ma,’ he thought, feeling a tinge of sadness about leaving his hometown and family.

Once on the flight, Sam relaxed in the comfortable and spacious allocated seat. The air hostess was fussing around him, ensuring Sam was settled comfortably in his seat. He wondered whether a ‘doctor’ was mentioned before his name to draw extra attention.

Sam always ensured that ‘doctor’ was not mentioned as a salutation before his name when travelling. He just did not want to be disturbed on a flight. He sat back as the flight soon took off. Maria was watching movies. She was a movie fanatic and would like to watch as many movies as possible on this flight.

Sam asked for a Singapore sling, his favourite drink on these flights. Previously, he had stowed the pieces of carry-on luggage in the overhead bin.The black suitcase was an apparent misfit but had adjusted nicely.

‘Too large for cabin luggage,’ he thought whilst trying to squash it in the compartment. ‘Why does Ma have to complicate things at the last moment?’ he wondered to himself.

Sam was surprised as he felt a weird tingling in his right arm while handling the black case. He did not understand the reason. He attributed this to possible muscle fatigue as he carried a few pieces of heavy luggage. Also, possibly the stress of going through the complicated security check-ins.

However, Sam’s mind still was unsettled about this black suitcase. ‘Something is off-centre,’ he thought. It just did not seem right. He touched the bag twice. The tingling happened again.

‘Strange’, he thought, ‘where is the key to the case?’ he wondered. Gauri did not give him any keys to open the case!

‘I must call Ma and talk about this when I reach Brisbane,’ he thought. ‘Or does Maria have the key?’

He snuggled down and closed his eyes. It was close to midnight, way beyond his bedtime. Sam just wanted to enjoy the flight and not worry about small things. He yawned as he took a longing sip at the Singapore sling, which had arrived promptly a few minutes ago.

He needed to rest. The flight was just a distant hum as the Boeing 777-300 ER reached cruising altitude and raced towards Singapore. That was the next stop. Flight time on this leg was just over four hours.

Sam curled up and tried to sleep. The sleeping capsule was comfortable, although he still felt somewhat restless. He stretched and tried adjusting his posture. His arm started to feel better. The tingling was nearly gone, which was a blessing.

However, Sam’s mind was troubled. He slowly drifted into a disturbed slumber.

A young girl appeared. She had been in his dreams before, trying to reach out to him. She was still reaching out to him with her arms outstretched as she slowly was engulfed by a mist. He wanted to catch her and not let her go.

‘Who is she?’ he often wondered. Why did he see one particular girl always in his dream? Sam had no answers.

Sam felt paralysed as he drifted in and out of sleep. Suddenly, a man wearing red garments with long hair and a red vermillion on his forehead appeared. His eyes were intense, and he looked straight at Sam. He continued to chant some mantras, which Sam could not decipher. Then this man, who appeared like a religious guru, stopped his chanting and addressed him in a sharp, clear voice, ‘You are Sam. You are not Rahul. Remember this all the time.’ He repeated this several times and then faded into the mist.

Sam woke up with a jerk and a cry, body drenched in sweat. There was a bewildered expression on his face. The air hostess immediately came to check on him. He smiled at her sheepishly.

‘Don’t worry, just a dream.’ The lady nodded, offered water, and soon left.

‘What is happening? Who is Rahul? Who is this holy man in my dream? I have heard of this name before in my dreams,’ Sam thought. In one of his dreams, the young girl called him Rahul a few months ago! Was it a dream or nightmare?

‘What is my association with this name Rahul?’ Sam wondered.

His mind was in utter turmoil. Helplessness was creeping in as Sam could not make sense of this nightmare. To distract himself, he casually looked around. Most of the passengers were all sleeping around him. This nightmare seemed lifelike to Sam. The new face of this guru in tonight’s dream came from nowhere.

Sam switched the TV in front of him, frustrated with his sleep disturbances. ‘I must stop my mind somehow, or I will go crazy,’ he thought. ‘This cannot be happening to me all the time.’ He took a resolution to address his sleep issues after his return to Brisbane. This made no sense to him.

He started watching a Harry Potter movie. He liked Harry Potter. He had also begun enjoying movies depicting magic, spirituality, and mysticism. There was an intense desire to know more about these aspects. Sam did not know why. He was often urged to check videos about these topics whenever he had time.

Only a few more hours to go before landing. Sam glanced at Maria in the next seat. She was sound asleep. Her face looked serene and calm as she slept. The TV screen in front of her threw flickering lights on her face. Sam felt a wave of love going through his body.

‘I love this beautiful lady. She is such a blessing to me,’ he thought. This comforting thought made him feel calmer and better.

‘I just need to reset myself.’ Sam sighed as he tried to settle down and distract himself. He continued watching the movie, although he felt tired and sleep-deprived. His eyes drooped, and his tired mind gradually returned to his past.

The black suitcase possibly triggered some memories. Memories that dated back to 1994.

Did it all start at that point in his life?

The Triggers

1994–2005

Let us go back a few years to when this narrative started. Sam needs a proper introduction.

He is a practising psychiatrist in Brisbane, fully immersed in his private practice. His full name is Dr Samiran Gupta. He is an acclaimed doctor in the mental health field and works hard in his busy practice. Joanne, his practice manager, runs the front end of his business and keeps Sam organised with her ‘airtight’ client-booking schedules. They are a very efficient team. Jo is like a family to Sam and Maria.

Maria is Sam’s partner. They have big plans for their future. They are yet to become engaged. A thought often came to Sam’s mind. This is why the couple visited India to allow Maria to meet Sam’s family. This will pave the way to the next stage of their relationship. The visit went well. That is good news!

Who am I? I am the author of this narrative. I cannot reveal my true identity as I am not the story’s main character. Not yet! For the sake of this story, let us consider me as Sam’s consciousness.

Sam does not know me—not yet. I will have to lead Sam to me.

Let me now tell his story, which starts in India. It does not, of course, finish there.

Sam’s initial training as a general doctor and, later, as a psychiatrist began in India. It took him a few years of struggle to establish himself in India. He mainly worked in government hospitals and moved around a few times. Sam was married before to Sheela, a woman originally from Delhi. His family did not entirely approve of the marriage as she was not from the same cultural background.

The marriage finally broke down in 2005.

The marital breakdown is entirely contextual to Sam’s present story, which is best discussed at the very start.

Sheela, his ex-wife, was working as an engineer. She usually travelled a lot for her work. They did not have any children. The couple developed a few interpersonal issues, gradually becoming a problem in their marriage. Sheela wanted children, but Sam never felt comfortable to go down that path. This aspect became contentious in their relationship and was often the elephant in the room. They started having other issues related to their life choices, further fragmenting their relationship.

Sam usually did not like to think or discuss his past. However, his mind was continuously drawn towards this aspect of his life on this trip to Singapore. Like a magnet. Much to his annoyance.

‘Must be this trip to India and all the discussions I had with Ma about childhood,’ he thought.

Sam closed his eyes and slid into his reclining seat as the plane glided towards Singapore at over 700 kilometres per hour.

Let me allow Sam to reminisce about his past life with Sheela.

Sam remembered meeting Sheela during his hiking trip to Simla, an exotic hill station north of India, in October 1997. Incidentally, they were staying in the same hotel. One morning, she bumped into him at breakfast and accidentally spilt her coffee all over his shirt. She was pretty shocked at what happened and was very apologetic.

Instead of being upset with her, Sam was amused at her expressions of utter shock and embarrassment. He felt instantly attracted to her and engaged actively in trying to sort out the mess she created. Sheela then accompanied Sam to his room and patiently waited for him to change. She was much relieved that he appeared better after freshening up. Sam was enjoying this beautiful lady’s undivided attention, which he previously never had.

She caught up with him a few more times in the next few days and continued with her string of apologies. She felt possibly obligated to greet him whenever they met. One day, Sam gathered his courage and asked her out for coffee at the Simla Mall. She accepted without any hesitation. It was an exciting first date as there was a mutual connection from the word ‘go’. They had a lot in common: their mutual physical attraction, intelligence, and love for travelling.

Subsequently, they caught up every day for a week and promised to continue their friendship after their holidays came to a sad end. She lived with her parents in Delhi, still single. At that time, Sam was undergoing psychiatric training at Pune, a lovely army cantonment city near Mumbai. The distance seemed to be an issue, but Sam promised her to make an effort to connect regularly.

Sam fell deeply in love this summer at Simla. His first love.

They made frequent contact through phone calls and letters. Mobile technology was not affordable then; hence, the connections mainly were through conventional methods. It was apparent that these communication efforts enhanced their mutual attraction, and a long-distance relationship blossomed. The affair continued for a year.

Sam also focused primarily on his psychiatric training, which was sometimes exhausting and stressful. Sheela worked in a consultancy firm in Delhi and had more control over her work-life balance than Sam. He was impressed when Sheela took time off from her work and travelled to Pune several times to meet up with him that year.

Sheela was a woman who always planned her life. Much to his surprise, she wanted to marry him within the first year of their courtship. Sheela quoted her parents’ intentions to get her to tie the knot soon and settle down as she was going past the marital age, as stipulated in their culture. Sheela did not want an arranged marriage, which her parents suggested she accept. Neither did Sam favour an arrangement like that, which is customary in orthodox Bengali culture. Sam hated such customs. His parents were conservative and repeatedly showed interest in choosing his life partner for him, as was the norm. They had done so for his elder brother, Som. Gauri always commented on how happy Som was and how she could quickly seek out an appropriate Bengali girl from a compatible family for Sam to marry and settle down.

‘It will be easy, Sam, for us to find you a nice bong girl as you are a doctor. Everyone likes a doctor to marry their daughters off too!’ Gauri often claimed excitedly.

She loved this topic, much to Sam’s annoyance. Sam mostly ignored these statements as he did not like to have conflicts with his mother. His standard line was ‘I am not ready and busy, Ma.’ This line had worked so far.

Parents were not put off by Sam’s denial about marriage. They went about their way, looking for suitable Bengali girls. In June 1997, they even put a matrimonial advertisement in a popular Kolkata newspaper in the ‘Brides Wanted’ section.

It read, ‘A beautiful, homely bride wanted for a handsome, successful, and working doctor, who will soon be a specialist. Hindu Bengali Kayastha will be preferable. No dowries are required. Well-qualified English-speaking girls who want to be employed, or are in employment, is desirable. Please apply with full biodata and photographs to this PO Box.’

Sam nearly passed out with embarrassment when he viewed the advertisement during his regular visits to meet his parents in Kolkata. He had a big fight with Gauri that day and asked her to stop searching for ‘suitable brides’ for him and advertising him as a ‘saleable commodity in a fish market!’

‘I will make my own choice, Ma, about who I will marry!’ he shouted at her that evening. They did not speak for a month after this incident.

He could not control his parents’ actions as he lived far from them. He was also trying to survive through demanding medical training schedules. Sam just did not need this kind of pressure on him from his parents at that stage of his life! Easier said than done, he knew that his parents worked autonomously around making such decisions for their children’s lives.

‘Marriage’ is an essential social statement that families in India often want to showcase their affluence and importance to the community. Sam would be a show pony in such a gala ceremony designed and orchestrated by his parents. They did not want to deprive themselves of such an opportunity because of Sam’s indecisiveness and quest for a career progression. They were worried that Sam might fall in love with the wrong person, which would depreciate their family’s standing in society and bring unhappiness all around. They also thought he was an easy target for women who wanted a doctor as a ‘husband’. His parents did not want Sam to fall into any trap like that.

Sam understood the ethos behind his parents’ efforts to seek a suitable bride for him. He just hated the idea of having an arranged marriage, and like any progressive Indian male, he wanted his autonomy of choice. It was challenging to achieve that autonomy when he still had to respect his parents’ wishes and dreams as most obedient children in India did.

At that stage of increasing pressure to denounce his bachelorhood, Sheela entered his life. Sam was excited to find someone who seemed interesting and beautiful and shared similar interests with him. He was not yet ready for marriage as Sheela wanted. She made it clear on their second date, which surprised him. He had less than a year of training to get his full credentials as a psychiatrist. Finishing his degree was very important to him.

She was under intense pressure from her parents to agree to one of a few persuasive proposals that they had for her. One was a surgeon with a nursing home! Sheela, however, was in love with Sam and wanted him to be her husband. She also disliked the idea of arranged marriage as educated women in India often succumbed if they couldn’t convince their parents to accept their choice. For Sheela, Sam was the only choice she had.

She indirectly started to drop broad hints around early marriage, which Sam tried his best to avoid. He tried using his newly acquired skills in reflective questioning as an interviewing technique during their discussions. This method worked somewhat for a few months.

One day, Sheela gave Sam an ultimatum over the telephone.

‘If you do not decide by tomorrow, I will kill myself,’ she cried on the phone, babbling about the immense pressure her parents were putting her through. Sheela seemed to be cracking under such stress applied. Or this was what she claimed at that stage!

Sam was shocked. He did not want her to carry out this threat. However, he doubted a sane, educated person like Sheela would ever contemplate self-harm as an option. She said she loved him and could not think of marrying someone else!

‘I am better dead than marrying this neurosurgeon from the US. I thought you loved me also. Why not marry me?’ she cried on the phone, distraught.

Sam did not feel the same intensity of love to get married so early in their relationship, although he liked her very much and did not want to lose her. He just wanted more time to sort out a few of his issues without dealing with marital pressures at that stage of his life. He was willing to wait until he finished his training, which he believed was a priority. Sam also wanted to further develop the relationship and check their ongoing chemistry.

‘It is only a few months since we met, for heaven’s sake! Why this hurry to get married now?’ he wondered.

The other thought, which bothered Sam, was breaking the news about his love affair to his parents.

‘Too early to make such life-changing decisions,’ he thought. ‘Sheela is not from our caste or culture, which would irk my parents. How will I make them understand when I told them that I was not planning to marry for the next two years?’ he thought to himself and felt distressed.

However, the situation changed rapidly soon after Sheela threatened to kill herself. Sam had a strange dream that night for the first time in a long time.

A young girl of 7–8 years old came into his dreams. She was seeking help, with her outstretched little arms pointing towards him. There was evident pain in her big dark eyes. She appeared to be someone he might know from his past, although he could not place her properly. She looked at him with pleading eyes. Sam resumed that she possibly wanted to be saved from the grey mist engulfing her. Sam stood on the edge of this dense fog, helpless and paralysed. The mist slowly engulfed her. Her cries for help echoed for a while. Then, Sheela appeared after the girl vanished. She was also reaching out for his help. She was crying. The fog was all around her too.

Sam woke up from this nightmare with fright. He could not go back to sleep after that. He was drenched in a cold sweat.

‘Why am I being asked to save these women? Who is this young girl?’ Her face seemed familiar, but Sam was unsure where he had met her before. Nothing came to his mind.

‘What is the relevance of this dream to my issues with Sheela?’ he thought aloud. He pondered about this nightmare for the rest of the night. He dressed and left for the hospital in the morning earlier than usual.

After debating with himself for half the day, Sam decided to approach his associate professor and mentor to discuss this particular nightmare. He wanted to know the relevance of this nightmare and his current challenges to Sheela’s pressures.

Prof Raghuraman (Raghu, as he liked to be called) was a senior psychiatrist who specialised in trauma and dissociation. He came from an army background and managed a few psychiatric centres before taking on this academic role. Sam was one of his favourite students as he was very interested in Raghu’s line of work. They spent long hours talking about the psychological underpinnings of trauma. In the faculty, it was well known that Raghu was mentoring Sam to be his protégé.

Raghu always encouraged trainees to approach him with their issues, even personal ones. He openly stated, ‘We have all chosen this speciality of psychiatry for our subconscious reasons. You have to find out your deeper issues, which led to you choosing this grey area of science!’

Rather than skimming the surface, Raghu always approached problems from a philosophical angle by analysing more deep-seated fears and worries. He usually focused on past attachment to formulate a diagnosis for his patients.

Sam liked his approach and was keen to explore this in his future practice after qualifying. He had thought about Raghu’s statement about inherent underlying attachment and past issues defining career choices. Sam could not find any fundamental reason why he chose psychiatry as a speciality. He could not find any underpinnings to his childhood.

Sam thought he had a much-protected childhood with loving parents and a close-knit family structure. He endured no bullying or trauma in high school or later while attending medical college. He could not remember anything more about his childhood before grade five. There was a complete blank! He never thought anything abnormal about this and blamed his memory for this gap. The family moved to Kolkata, the state capital, from Durgapur, a town 200 kilometres away from Kolkata. He did not have any connection with Durgapur since they moved.

Surprisingly, his parents did not entirely support discussions about their past life in this place. As the story goes, Sam was reportedly unwell, which led the family to move to the city for his health. His dad, Sudha, was ‘offered a better job, making things easy for the family’. He always heard this line from Gauri whenever discussions about Durgapur came up. Sam was still baffled about the lack of clarity about his early life in that town. But he also did not ever find the need to try to stretch himself to remember his early childhood much.

‘I did not have any issues in my childhood. I am sure,’ Sam often reassured himself. He, however, did not argue with Raghu about his belief around the influence of early childhood on later life choices. Raghu must be correct in some cases. This principle might not apply to all.

This morning, he approached Raghu while the professor was sitting under the big mango tree, sipping his ginger and mint tea. A mid-morning ritual he religiously followed. It was his ‘date with nature’, which he often laughingly told his students.

‘I need you to help me analyse this strange nightmare I had, Prof,’ he requested Raghu.

Raghu asked Sam to sit down with him. Sam sat beside his favourite professor in an empty garden chair. There were not too many people around them at that time. A few scattered crows were squabbling about old bread wrappers they sourced from the nearby bins. Their cawing added a different perspective to the environment. The mango tree was in full bloom as summer approached. Sam looked around him, felt better emotionally, and fixed his attention on Raghu.

Raghu asked a few clarifying questions about Sam and his relationship with Sheela. Then he asked him about the dream Sam had in more detail.

He was silent for a while as he slurped his special tea. Raghu was very basic in his mannerisms. He had no pretensions and used his earthiness to allow his patients to trust him completely. Behind this unsophisticated demeanour was a very sharp intellect. Sam was aware of this well, which was why he was so attracted to this man.

‘This dream is all about someone in your memory probably seeking help from you, someone you may know from your past who expected help but did not receive this from you. You might not have been in a position to assist this young girl at that stage. It seems like a trauma that has remained unresolved involving a small girl. Maybe this girl could be your first love from your childhood? Sheela just triggered this memory. It is about unmasking implicit memories by triggers that remind us of the past.’

Raghu had a distant look in his eyes. ‘I think it is precognitive. But I may be wrong,’ he continued. ‘It is just my theory, as you told me, that this dream is recurrent and has a similar theme, you see?’

Sam agreed with Raghu.

‘But I do not think I had any such past trauma incidents in my history as much as I can remember, sir,’ Sam retorted.

Could this be an omen? Something unpleasant possibly going to happen in the future? Otherwise, why would Sheela’s word ‘suicide’ trigger such a nightmare? Raghu nodded in agreement when Sam articulated his fears about Sheela.

‘It’s entirely possible, Sam. Everything in psychology is possible, you know.’ He smiled.

‘What should I do now, sir?’ Sam asked Raghu with trepidation.

He needed some directions at this particular crossroad of his life, and he had no one who could give him proper advice. Definitely not his parents. They did not even know of his affair with Sheela. Analysing the meanings of dreams was Raghu’s line of work; and hence, he is here with Raghu, trusting him to give Sam directions.

Raghu just smiled. He pondered over the question for a minute.

‘I cannot tell you, Sam, what you should do. These matters should be managed carefully by looking deep inside your subconsciousness. You should also take into consideration your present needs and life directions. You need to feel strong enough to analyse the complexities of your present challenges and use appropriate strategies to save the day for you. The nightmare you recently had is indicative of your inner anxiety around the threat you have experienced from Sheela. That is your present trigger. This dream is possibly a story created in your mind from your existential anxiety to indicate a possible resolution. I suspect a deeper emotional fault line in your psyche, but as you told me, we cannot go much further without knowing details of your childhood. Just focus on the present for now.’

Sam looked around, mind racing as he grasped Raghu’s statements. The quarrelling crows had flown away. Some dead mango flowers dropped from the tree with the gentle spring wind. The distinct smell of these flowers was intoxicating.

Sam was anxious about this discussion as he felt that Raghu was explaining something deep and hidden in his psyche. The direction he was seeking from his professor might turn into an exploration of his past, which worried Sam. He was not ready for such an expedition.

Before this day, Sam had never realised that there was a hibiscus tree on the campus. He liked this tree, especially its flowers.

Raghu continued after a brief moment of introspection, ‘Getting married is not bad, Sam, as long as that is not an act of escaping from the challenges you presently have. Your past issues may come to the fore if the emotional triggers continue to hammer you. Precognition is a tricky area, Sam. Do you want to explore this and become afflicted by some of its revelations? Are you truly prepared for all that at this stage?’

He looked straight at Sam with empathetic eyes and then looked away at the distant hibiscus bush in full bloom.

‘Why is Raghu looking at the hibiscus flowers while discussing my precognition?’ Sam wondered.

He also focused on the hibiscus bush for a while, following the gaze of his mentor. The red flowers swayed in the gentle breeze without caring about the world. Then suddenly, it dawned on Sam what Raghu might be trying to indicate a solution to him, possibly using symbolism.

Hibiscus is a flower much liked by the Indian goddess, Kali. Kali is the eternal goddess of creation, destruction, and time. In Hindu mythology, she symbolises the death of the ego and the creation of life. Without the inhibitions of the ego and infinite consciousness.

Sam had read about Kali, this famous goddess of Hindu cosmology, as Gauri is a devotee. He was enthralled with Kali’s symbolic influence on human philosophy in India. Mainly those who understood philosophy.

Sam pondered about the issues directly affecting him as they sat quietly. Raghu allowed Sam to think as he often did with his students. He called this ‘reflection in silence’.

‘I need to make this executive decision of what is best for me and my psyche. I cannot let my ego dominate my decisions. A correct decision, taken in a timely fashion, will prevent further distress to me.’ He thought that his indecision about marriage and relationship with Sheela was probably the ‘ego conflict’ Goddess Kali would disapprove of. His dream was perhaps a reminder of the consequences of his ‘inaction’ on himself and Sheela’s life.

He further thought to himself, ‘I will be otherwise forced by my parents to accept someone I do not love if I reject Sheela.’

Also, he could not bear anything negative happening to Sheela if he rejected this proposal. He still could not find any relevance in this young girl’s dream to his current situation. Sam was worried about the concept he might know this girl from his childhood! His early childhood memory gaps always were a source of worry. Still, he never allowed this gap in his memory to trouble him much. Not so far.

Sam is blissfully unaware of how much this unknown will someday impact his life significantly much more than he can imagine. That is for posterity. Let us get back to Sam and check what he has decided about Sheela.

Sam thanked Raghu for showing him the way forward. Raghu smiled as they shook hands. A reassuring and supportive handshake, Sam was pleased to note.

‘Raghu approves of this relationship,’ Sam thought in his interpretation of the recently held discussion with this professor he so respected. He felt that Raghu helped him reach his objective without a straightforward answer.

Sam would never know what Raghu honestly thought about his decision. It would remain one of the many mysteries of Sam’s life.

That same day, he rang Sheela and accepted her hand in marriage. He felt secure and empowered about his decision. He felt Kali’s blessings showering on him after taking this proactive decision. His family, especially Gauri, would still be a challenge for him to negotiate.

‘Will see what happens next,’ Sam thought to himself.

The dream, however, never recurred again after that day. That was a good omen, he thought. Sheela was thrilled with his decision. She discussed ways to engage parents in this decision and ensure a positive outcome.

Sam agreed with her although still harbouring a nagging doubt deep inside him. A small doubt lingered on.

This occurred in India when love marriages usually did not go down well with parents. Sam’s parents were not open-minded about the prospect of a love marriage. They always worried about young people making mistakes with their hasty decisions based on their short-term infatuations.

Marriages were always made in heaven and are considered permanent aspects of life for couples. One could not rescind their decisions once the nuptial knot was tied. Not easily. One would get married if only the family could accept each other. Cosmic signs had to be matched. Genealogy, heredity, and blood groups also played a significant part in pre-negotiations before any relationship was established. The gifts shared between the families were a prominent aspect of premarital negotiations and sometimes could follow a long course. This was a redefined version of ‘dowry,’ which was prevalent in Indian societies openly until it was deemed illegal by Indian law. Because of this, no one talked openly about such things, but there were subtle ways to negotiate them if the girl’s family was open to it. Families would feel left out if their children used the love-affair shortcuts!

It was no different with Sheela’s and Sam’s families.

The usual ‘drama’ occurred on both sides of the family once the bomb-shell news was delivered. The couple, however, stood their ground. Their cumulative mental strength and passion for enacting their self-defined life choices somehow saved the day for them. After a few months of intense debates and negotiations, finally, both sides agreed to this proposal. Sam’s parents were not impressed and did not relent until late in this process. With the help of his supportive brothers, it took Sam a lot of convincing to get the final nod of approval from Gauri and Sudha.

The couple finally got married on an auspicious day in late October 1999, six months after the couple first met.

The event turned into a mega Indian marriage as both sides decided to make a social statement by putting on a gala show. Sam was finally happy as he felt both parties participated sufficiently in the marriage proceedings and seemed delighted. Sheela was explicitly thrilled with the marriage ceremony, which lasted for nearly five days, which usually happens during such important communal events. Every man and his proverbial dog was invited. Sam was amazed to meet some of his relatives he had not seen since childhood! They all came in hordes.

No one came from Durgapur, which Sam found intriguing. His parents had a lot of friends there before the family moved to Kolkata. He could not get a chance to ask Gauri about this and felt unsettled about this fact. He could not even remember any of his friends from his birth city. Hence, no one from Durgapur received an invite from his side.

Sam’s parents eventually accepted Sheela, which took some time after the marriage. Gauri was particularly hesitant at the start. She continued to think Sam deserved a better life partner. She often discussed a dream that Goddess Kali was unhappy with this impending marriage. But she also said that Sheela would lead Sam to his final destination in life, making Sam a better person. These self-conflictual statements were an oxymoron for Sam to understand as Gauri’s spiritual expressions often baffled him.

Little did Sam know how accurate Gauri was at that stage! I know Gauri’s premonition was spot-on!

The honeymoon phase of this relationship only lasted a few years.

Slowly, dark clouds started gathering on the marital horizon for Sam and Sheela. Cracks began to show in their relationship as they soon discovered how different they were in most aspects of their lives.

Sheela was posted away to a city in South India for work. Sam qualified as a psychiatrist in December 1999. He wanted to stay back in Pune as he loved this town and formed a good cohort of friends and peers who he thought would support him in setting himself up as a new psychiatrist. Raghu offered him a position as a lecturer in the college faculty, which Sam considered was a definite honour and positive endorsement of his skills as a psychiatrist. Sam would have loved to work with Raghu and his alma mater to develop himself as a well-rounded doctor.

But Sheela had other plans.

She was a career-conscious woman. Her move down south also entailed a promotion. Sam tried to discuss his career opportunities with her and seek a middle ground. Sheela seemed to be ego-centric, often debating significant life decisions emotionally. This would lead to frequent conflicts, tears, and no communication for days; and then Sam resolved the issues by giving in and accepting Sheela’s terms.

A similar emotional process ensured the outcome of moving away from Pune. Sheela had been transferred to a South Indian city Coimbatore. She insisted they both move and start fresh. Her career was the focus of this relocation, and Sam had to accompany her ‘as a package’ or risk facing her ire.

Sam reluctantly said farewell to his college faculty, friends, and others and dutifully accompanied his beloved wife to this new city. He took a job as a psychiatrist in the local multispecialty hospital run by the Indian Railways. The role that Sam accepted entailed mostly managing this hospital’s twenty-bed mental health unit. He was the only psychiatrist in this hospital, which ensured he was on call every day of the week and managed all emergencies.

His life was soon busy but otherwise relatively mundane. Sam stopped his hobbies, including writing poetry and indulging in amateur photography. He had been involved in these activities since his school days. His wanderlust was also majorly curbed as Sheela was not too comfortable travelling for pleasure around the country. She soon transformed into a homebody other than attending her work. She liked to watch Bollywood channels for sitcoms.

They even had separate groups of friends and hardly participated in activities together. Intimacy was sporadic, if at all contextual to their perceived closeness. Sheela achieved a successful marriage, a tick in her box of dos in life. She then started immediately discussing having a child, which was probably another tick on her life’s agenda!

Not for Sam. He wanted a perfect, loving relationship, engaged and with enhanced synchronicity. Do things together. Not live like flatmates!

In early 2004, the couple started sleeping in separate rooms as their periodic conflicts became more prominent and distressing. ‘Goddess Kali was not that happy,’ as Sam thought in his limited spiritual understanding. Sam often imagined the Goddess Kali biting harder on her protruded tongue in shame as their relationship troubles escalated.

Gauri would agree with this analogy, although Goddess Kali in Hindu mythology bit her tongue for an entirely different reason! Good times seemed to be over for this couple. The hibiscus flower was not blooming anymore in their lives. Sam did not have the heart to let his family know of his life’s issues, which were bothering him incessantly. He felt distinctly embarrassed.

‘Who would enjoy the ignominy of being told by his parents that I was wrong, and they were right?’ he often thought.

While they casually observed the hibiscus tree, Sam wondered what Prof Raghu was trying to indicate to him on the day they met. This image stuck in his mind for a while. It seemed to him Raghu was trying to point at something entirely different to what he presumed that day. He would have loved to ask Raghu this question if he could. Ma Kali, goddess mother, must have had other ideas at that stage, which escaped Sam! Totally.

Then something out of the ordinary happened.

This incident was the final straw that broke the marriage.

This incident also started a chain of events that would change Sam’s life forever. Ma Kali was right in her discussions with Gauri in her dreams about Sheela leading Sam to a different destiny. The marriage possibly served a particular purpose for Sam in his life journey to lead to something different and cataclysmic.

Sam was unaware at that stage that he was on an unchartered course through turbulent and extraordinary times, which would change many people’s lives. Including his. Forever.

This will also bring Sam closer to me. And to the past love of his life. A reunion that will somewhat define Sam in many existential ways.

Joseph’s Psychosis

It was a typical spring day in 2005. In this small city of Coimbatore, seasons were not that discernible.

Sam just returned from a weekend break from a nearby beautiful hill station Ooty. This place always grounded Sam. It was quieter and more appealing. He spent a few days with two golf