About Grief

By Emily Rowe

Everyone will have a different blindside. For some it may be a death. Or an accident. A diagnosis. For others, a divorce, or a bad break-up. What is the same in every blindside? It's that no one sees it coming. When we are blindsided, we are challenged to still show up and play the game of life, even when we are feeling like we are not sure that

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Good Grief Coach
• Release date: Dec 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9780645672824

Book preview

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and obtain their permissions for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologises for any errors and omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

The author gratefully acknowledges permission to quote Mary Schmich from Always Wear Sunscreen. Copyright © 1997 Chicago Tribune

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl Copyright © 1959, 1962, 1984, 1992 by Viktor E. Frankl Reprinted with permission from Beacon Press, Boston Massachusetts

The cover artwork is an image of a sculpture called Time Running Away by Matthew Carney Copyright © 2009

I acknowledge this book was written on the traditional Country of the Bundjalung people who have occupied and cared for the lands, waters, and their inhabitants for thousands of years. We pay our respects to them as the Traditional Custodians and to Elders past, present and emerging.

All rights reserved by the author, Emily Rowe

ISBN: 978-0-6456728-1-7

To Matt. Still miss you every day. So grateful for our love.

And Calpurnia. Teaching me daily what matters most.

About the Author

Emily Rowe is a grief and trauma counsellor, therapist and coach in private practice in Australia.

She has a bachelor’s degree in Counselling and Psychotherapy, and another in Literature and History.

Emily offers both one on one, and group therapy online for grieving people looking for support while learning to live in a forever changed world.

You can find her online at http//: www.goodgriefcoach.net

When she’s not working you’ll find her hanging out with Calpurnia in the garden, the kitchen or at the beach.

TESTIMONIALS

After the death of my father, I fell into a very black hole and didn’t know where to turn or who to speak to. I knew Emily through social media and asked if there was anything she could do? Over the subsequent nine weeks of conversations and modules l was able to address the grief and associated feelings extending back to my childhood and began piecing my life back together. She provided me with an essential set of recovery tools and did so with great empathy and understanding. I would highly recommend her services to anyone who needs to tackle serious issues.

M.K.

I first met Emily online and I was attracted to what she had to say about life and its travails. I was reluctant to get ‘engaged’ in my grief and Emily waited for me on this path until pain made me ready. Her course wraps around you and Emily protects you as you go. I have now rethought my grief and my way of being and healing; I see it as an expansion of the positive, joyful self, despite loss and pain. I have a much better understanding of the tools for true healing and one of Emily’s great skills is to make sure you understand that love never really leaves.

L.M.

I discovered Emily through her social media presence. I was 3 years into treatment for cancer and trying (unsuccessfully) to cope with the anxiety and isolation around COVID. Working with Emily has given me perspectives and skills that I practice daily- sometimes hourly to work through tough times. Her compassion, humor and laser beam insights are creating the change I’ve been seeking. I am so thankful to have found her. Emily is a gem.

M.G.

I have been working with Emily for a few months now addressing some of the issues that arose over the loss of a parent under quite traumatic conditions. Emily has supported me in identifying my issues and working through them. I have appreciated her work with me, and even at inconvenient times (for her) she has been there and supported me with the immediate crises that have arisen. Her approach is honest and caring, the materials she uses are very practical. I value the insight that she has given me, along with her support. Thank you Emily.

I.R.

Today I was sitting at my laptop, and I had an urge to write to you. Not for any pressing reason other than to just send a message of thanks, so here I am. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me during the worst phase of my life. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone in the shipwreck that has been my life. Thank you for guiding me back to myself when I lost my way to do so. Just thank you.

A.T.

"I have found Emily to be the most responsive therapist I’ve worked with. Her unique style creates a person-person dynamic and is not hierarchical like traditional counsellors, that results in better communication, an openness, and less dependence on Emily as someone to ‘tell you what to do’ and more as a catalyst for self-assessment and accountability.

As I progressed through sessions with Emily, the growth and self-awareness were rapid, and we seamlessly transitioned from therapist-client to a coach-mentee dynamic. It’s so hard to find a good counsellor/therapist to begin with, but to find and experience her unique and highly effective method that evolves with your progress was a real godsend."

H.S.

I contacted Emily when a sudden unexpected devastating event derailed my coping processes. I have experienced considerable adversity and grief throughout my life but was knocked sideways by this event. Emily provided immediate coping resources and support and then a structured and supported process for moving forward. The process has been incredibly useful, and I am now quite a different person than I was 12 months ago. I frequently revisit the material and find even further growth and consolidation. Emily provides empathetic and professional support and coaching with humour and understanding. I can highly recommend Emily and her grief recovery services.

M.H.

"I first came across Emily’s video about complicated grief shortly after my mother died. The concepts she expressed in that video prompted me to make an appointment.

During our first session, Emily gave me solid, constructive ways to mitigate some of the issues within the family that were coming to the surface after my mother’s death. These helpful tools worked to keep things on an even keel emotionally for me during the memorial and during a time that I had been dreading for many years. As we worked together, I was able to clearly understand the dynamics surrounding family and my reactions to grief, and work through them positively with Emily’s guidance.

Emily’s approach is professional and supportive, and her own life experience brings a depth of personal warmth to her care for others. She patiently works through long standing deep issues, with excellent results. I highly recommend her book and courses to any who are navigating the rocky seas of grief and recovery."

M.S.

I have had several experiences with psychologists over the years that have been helpful. Recently, when I was struggling with my relationship with my adult daughter, I was well and truly stuck. Working with Emily has provided profound insights and helped me develop the skills to better deal with the situation. Emily also focused on providing a framework for me going forward further empowering me. I am so glad I found Emily.

C.K.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Prologue

Before We Start

YOU

The Crucible - Processing Emotions

The Birdseye - Stretching The Story

Change, Choices, and Decisions

EVERYONE ELSE

Your Emotional Software

Manage the Moment

Choose Your Circle

CONNECTION

Different Kinds of Empathy

Degrees of Connection

Living Change and The Momentum Loop

Afterword

Reading List

Acknowledgments

Introduction

How To Cope with the Pain of Loss

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.

The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

Excerpt from Always Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmich

Everyone will have a different blindside. For some it may be a death. Or an accident. A diagnosis. For others, a divorce, or a bad break-up.

What is the same in every blindside? It’s that no one sees it coming. We all wander on through our days and hours and minutes and live with this assumption that it will just keep ticking over and we have control over our lives. That tomorrow will follow today, that we will pick up the dry cleaning on Tuesday and have a picnic on Sunday. When we are blindsided, we are challenged to still show up and play the game of life, even when we are feeling like we are not sure that we can.

In this manual I lay out quite simple ways to move into life that are intentional, considered, and safe. Eventually, in time, as you cultivate a relationship with uncertainty, you will be able to adapt to this new world order you are in. You will learn simple ways to grow trust in an unexpected future.

How to Use this Book

I encourage you to start at the beginning. It is designed to work through as a series of steps. The book is in three sections. Each of these sections has three chapters with recurring themes of emotions, stories, and change.

YOU

In the first section, You, we will explore what is coming up for you personally. How are you managing your heartbreak?

Your feelings at the moment are very distressing to experience.

In Chapter 1, The Crucible, there is a process where we explore what is happening to you. Just you. Your primary emotions are survival mechanisms that elicit specific behaviours. There is relief connecting the feelings to their purpose. That they have a greater meaning and can help you find a way forward.

In Chapter 2, The Birdseye, you will still the chatter. You will explore the nature of storytelling and the role it plays for people to make sense of their lives. Even in unexpected tragedies that make no sense there is a need for explanation. You will isolate the details of the event that has changed your life forever. When you connect to this point in time, the ‘now’ will help you focus and put the past in the past, and the future in the future.

When you reclaim your personal narrative, you let the rest fall away. This is important because your feelings align with the stories you are telling yourself. And often other people’s version of things can be destabilising and feel threatening to your very identity.

In Chapter 3, Change, Choices and Decisions, you will study how people respond to change. Uncertainty creates wide and varied emotional reactions. Naming your emotional reactions will allow you to shift from reaction to response. You will focus on all the parts of your life that are challenged to change, and map how you will respond. Because we may live differently, but we all live in a day. You will learn how to cultivate acceptance of changes that you have no control over. And in doing so, the changes that you now must navigate will become clear to you.

EVERYONE ELSE

In Section 2, Everyone Else, the focus is on other people. How other people affect and influence how you approach your first principles (Emotions, Stories and Change).

In Chapter 4, Your Emotional Software, you will look at your meta-emotions. Meta-emotions are the feelings you have about expressing your feelings. Are you afraid to feel anger? Are you disgusted at your sadness? The modelling you received in your formative years as a child deeply affects your ability to articulate and express your emotions in healthy ways. I will explain all the variables that limit or strengthen your emotional literacy. Through learning about the impact of specific historical, cultural, and familial influences on your emotional expression, you can release all the baggage that isn’t yours to carry.

In Chapter 5, Manage the Moment, you will learn of all the diverse ways people communicate. How people respond to your blindside reveals their ability to support you through the challenges you are facing now. You will learn to decode and depersonalise the different responses to your change of circumstances.

In Chapter 6, Choose Your Circle, we look for the key people. The specialists who can help you. Who can supply the knowledge you need? Who can help you to become better informed of potential outcomes for the choices and decisions you make?

CONNECTION

In Section 3, Connection, the focus is on how to function within a larger system of family, friends, and peers. How can you inform the